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No contact with SON, Grandchildren, etc.

Started by hurting1, September 13, 2011, 09:37:30 AM

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hurting1



Well I have had to reach out.  8 yrs. ago I lost my oldest son to drugs, sold house in CA, moved to CO.  I put 30K down on a house for my son, daughter-in-law, Grandson and Step Granddaughter.  I also loan 35K for many reasons, received promissory note yet didn't put lien against house.  They ended up filing bankruptcy and put promissory note in it.  Since then I have forgiven them, tried to be there for family reasons.  Although I did this, I was cut off from seeing grandchildren, son, etc.  Then of course he needed some help watching the kids and of course I did.  They ended up with me for 2 days, a delight!  My son came to pick them up and we had some words. Right there, he said to the kids. "get all your stuff, because you will never see your grandmother again".  I didn't and haven't.  He will not answer calls, e-mails or anything.  He and his half brothers have bad mouth me and what a horrible childhood they had because of me.  Dear God, I did all I could and knew how to do at that time of my life.  I had gone from 1 son to 4 boys in 1  1/2 yrs.  My first husband had passed when my son was 9 months.  My step sons Mom dumped them on my second husband and myself with 45 minutes notice, didn't want them.  It was a definite challenge!  Anyway, at work the other day, a friend walked up and said "how's the new baby"?  I said "what baby"?  There is a new baby boy that was born almost two months ago and nobody told me.  It is killing me.  I don't care if I see my son or daughter-in-law, but the GRANDCHILDREN are all I have left and now I don't have them.  Do I move away?  Do I just take present (I have) over and leave at door?  What?  I hope someone can help me!  God Bless all of you and me too!

BlueEyes

I am also a fairly recent newbie to this site. :D  I think you are going to find as I have that this is a very supportive and caring group of people.  Reading many of the other posts will help a great deal.  Also as others read your concerns there will be support and suggestions given.  I have had to learn to give my YDD lots of space and time.  I am learning to maintain my self-respect.  One of the sayings that I read is that some things that we need to do as parents of adult children are "simple but not easy."  I have found this to be so true.  I love this little quote.

This forum has really helped me in so many ways.  It is just wonderful to know that I have got a group to go to for support who can truly empathize and offer words of encouragement.

I would like to suggest reading through some of the other postings.  I think you will find some very insightful suggestions and useful tips.

I think one of the first things that I can offer is to give yourself space and time.  Be patient with yourself.  I think one of the many thoughts shared valuing yourself as an important person.  Sending you warm thoughts and hugs... :) :D :)

Pen

Hurting1, welcome. I can hear the pain you are in through your words and I am sorry you are in such a confusing, sad situation.You came to the right place; there are many here who have experienced what you are going through and I know you'll get a lot of support and wisdom, starting with BE's great post.

If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First on the home page. Your post is fine, we just want everyone to know the policies.

Do one thing to nurture yourself today. This site is great for supporting us as we move forward, and our journey starts with taking good care of ourselves. What are you going to do?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Doe

I'm glad you reached out and found this forum! 

That was cruel for your son to tell the GK that they would never see you again.

Are you at the end of your rope?  I would be.  I would move away from this man and not look back.  Forget about the borrowed money, make a lot more and start working on your dreams for the rest of your life.  You can always set aside gifts for the GK for when they are adults if you want to help them.

Pen is right, though.  Do something each day to make yourself stronger. 


pam1

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

roseanne

I also have not had contact with my three Grandchildren for over a year.  I know what kind of pain you are feeling and there are many other Grand Parents just like you and me who are in the same horrid position.  I have not found the answer to my problem as yet.  Thinking of YOU. 

Begonia

hurting1: So sorry for your situation.  You will find lots of support here for YOU, just to help you know you are not alone in your pain. Remember that people have issues that we will never really know or understand.  It's their stuff.  But, like you say, you have done so much. 

Try to step away from how much you aren't getting back right now (respect, visits, etc.).  Thinking about all that just makes more and more resentment. 

Think of those two days you had with those darling GC.  Make a list of the things you did with them that just warmed your heart.  This might help to keep love in your heart while some time goes by. 

Many of us here on this site have had separations from our family and GC.  It hurts.

One thing I did when I decided to draw a boundary is to take all the photos down of my DS and DD and leave up the beautiful pics of the GC.  That way when I look at photos I only see how wonderful those kids are.  My DS and DD live in my heart, always will love them, but I did not need to see their photos because then I would get right back on my loop of crazy WHY? thinking. Before, when I looked at their photos, I would try to find answers and I always asked myself, "How did I raise such disrespectful children?  What did I do wrong?"  So, just this simple thing has helped me a lot to keep centered.  The photos of my beautiful GC keep me going. 

Good wishes to you on your journey.  Keep posting. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Pooh

Welcome hurting.  Don't go over there and show up with gifts.  They have made it very plain that they do not want you to know or they would have told you.  Do what many of us here are doing.  Start scrapbooks, bank accounts, small things for the GC to give to them at a later date when either the relationship changes or when they seek you out when they are older.

After what you did for DS/DIL and the ingratitude and callousness that he showed, you are better off without them.  I know (trust me, I know) that it is hard not to see GC, but since your DS obviously had no problem saying horrible things in front of them, it will be better on them to not have to listen to him badmouth you. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell