Dear Daughter ???

[lancaster lady]

Hi guys ......
Think I would like your take on my DD ......
for those who know my history on here , they will know the difficulties I had with my FDIL and my GD ,( limited access) to make
a long story short .
During this time my own DD took it upon herself to become the mama bear towards me and got very involved against
my wishes in protecting , she thought, my feelings against anyone who dared to upset me .
In doing this , some nasty things were said to my FDIL and consequently a war of words was had leaving a nasty after taste between the two .
Fast forward 6 months , when my Ds and his family came to live with me through financial difficulties , plus they got married .
Now .....my DD went reluctantly to the wedding , got drunk and became quite abusive while hitching a lift with the bride and groom .
After hearing about this the following day , I told her how wrong she was and how unacceptable her behaviour was .Her DB
was now married and she had to accept the fact and move on .
She didn't congratulate the couple or her DB , she didn't give any gift or card , and has yet to apologise !
She has also stopped communicating with me , her portable bank !
I know she acted out of love initially for me , trying to protect me when all the chaos was happening .
However , if I can move on , I think she should too .
She and her brother have been very close , like forever , so I think the green eyed monster has
captured my DD and changed her personality completely .
She now acts like the world is against her , and I dislike the person she is becoming .We were also very
close .
I would appreciate my wise women's take on all this . It kinda ruined the wedding , also her relationship with her
DB , not to mention me .

[pam1]

Oh Lancaster Lady, I'm so sorry to hear this happened. 

My take is that she is an adult and is responsible for the consequences of her actions.  The natural consequence here is that her DB and new wife pull away from her and that's tough lesson to swallow.  Anything less and I think she wouldn't really learn anything from this other than she can behave horribly and get away with it.  Hopefully, she'll take something positive from this.

Hubby's sister behaved similarly at our wedding.  I know part of it was b/c MIL was complaining to her about our decisions and she took it upon herself to be Mama Bear.  It didn't endear her to me.  And DH said this is par for the course for her and she's been like that since they were kids.  He thinks it had nothing to do with MIL complaining to her, if MIL hadn't done that...DH said she still would have done something to get attention.  That this was her personality. 

Is it possible your DD has issues with attention? 

[SunShine]

Oh my. One of my sister's brought her drunk boyfriend to my wedding and my only male cousin stayed drunk in a van during it too! However, your DS having to have his sister drunk at his own wedding, is not something he will forget, nor his wife. It sounds to me like your daughter may be jealous of her SIL. Her new SIL is getting a closer relationship than your DD had with her brother. It sounds to me like your daughter can't handle not having that close relationship anymore. Perhaps in some way her brother was her anchor in life and now she feels she is adrift and floating around. The getting drunk part, meant she couldn't handle this change perhaps. Girlfriends can easily be dumped and she was not threatened so much by them perhaps, but a wife is not so easy to dump and then come children that she will also have to compete with for her brother's attention. Is there a chance she used her brother as some kind of anchor in life, when she had no one else her age to confide in?

[luise.volta]

I would step back...way back. They are having growing pains. Achieving adulthood is no "walk in the park" as we all know. It's what's up for them. Leave them to it...with love in your heart...and get on withyour life.

[Ruth]

Dear, Dear, LL, so sorry for you!!!  But you are strong and a real survivor!   I am sorry also but I almost burst out laughing about the drunk episode!  We all have these drama issues going on in our family, let them work it out themselves, I think your DD is probably a little needy for your attention and possessive, and its probably just her personality.  People have short memories all in all, and time will heal.  You will be fine.  Send all of them out to your peripheral vision.

[lancaster lady]

Hi Ruth ....
wish I could see the funny side of it too .....
She is my youngest and has always been spoilt , she is 28 and unattached and perhaps jealous of the newly married couple .
Also the fact they are staying with me , getting a free ride as she called it !
However , I bought her the dress for the wedding , also paid for a two night stay in a posh hotel , without a thankyou !
Her take was ...I didn't want to go anyway ..!
I wish I had a big naughty step , 'cos she would be glued to it !
Still no contact .....think I'll try the ''Whatever'' phrase for a change .

[Scoop]

I have to say that, even though my DB had moved out and moved in with his fiancee, it didn't hit home that he was "gone" until the wedding.  I did have a bit to drink, and I cried and cried, because I really felt like I was "losing" my brother.  They were gone at this point and I don't think I ruined the wedding or anything.

So LL, maybe it just 'hit home' for your DD that her DB is a married man now?  And I'm sure there was some jealousy about still being single, with no prospects in sight.  At 28 she's probably feeling her biological clock ticking too.  Right?  So, a year to meet someone, a year to date them, a year engaged, and maybe a year or 2 as a couple before having kids - she's already at 33 y/o by then.

LL - you know her best, how would this work for her?  What if you apologized to her, for complaining to her or unloading on her when times were tough between you and DS?  What if you apologized for triangulating her into the relationship?  To me, it would calm me down and I would be able to apologize for my OWN actions.  Whereas, if you brought it up to me, to point out what I've done wrong, I would stand up for my decisions (even if they were bad/wrong).  Again, this depends on your DD and how she is and if it would work on her.

Good luck!

[lancaster lady]

thanks Scoop ....
My DD came into the argument against my wishes .
She hates her new SIL with a vengeance , for what she put me through , also for stealing her beloved DB .
She does not want to like her full stop , she hates the fact that I have forgiven all past times and moved on .
I suppose it would have been better if she hadn't attended the wedding knowing how she feels , but
how would that have looked ? The grooms sister a no show .
She makes no bones about the fact she dislikes her SIL , but I wanted her to accept the marriage and be happy for her DB,
and he is hurt by her actions and no congratulatory note .
She has an important date coming up profession wise , so I will contact her before that , and no doubt
I will once again be asked to subsidise her salary before the end of the month .
I grant her every wish , and have supported her through thick and thin , I think this is like a tantrum , of
not getting what she wants ....and that it's too late for her DB not to marry .
Will keep you posted ...

[Rose799]

I'd tell dd you became fully aware ds is an adult during this process & that if he made a mistake by marrying, he will suffer the consequences.  Like it or not, dil is family now & you intend to do your part in supporting their union; that you 'hope' dd would do the same, but she, too, is an adult, capable of making her own decisions, as well as accepting the consequences.  Remain neutral.  I, too, think she may be envious & that it will pass when she sees her attitude isn't gaining traction.  Good luck, LL~

[Pooh]

So sorry LL.  I'm sure it is just her total resentment right now that surfaced.  She fought with FDIL about you (even though you didn't want that) and you know, I would protect my Mother too if I thought someone was being mean to them.  You have been able to forgive and move on, but she's not.  She's going to have to come to that realization.  I am sure she feels left behind by big brother too.  I think that's normal for most little sisters.  Combined with she didn't really want to go because she was feeling all this, and I'm sure she was a just itching for an excuse to tear into someone.  Not excusing her behavior, but step back...she needs to fix this.

[Pen]

LL, you're in my thoughts. I hope your DD comes back around soon, but she'll have to work it out on her time. I'm sorry you are still dealing with AC drama. Please take care of yourself!

[lancaster lady]

Thanks guys ....you are always there when I need you ....<3
Bridezilla has reared her ugly head again ......she told my Ds that my DH and I were talking
about her behind closed doors in an unfriendly manner !!!
Not True !!
What on earth does this girl want ? Starting to cause trouble in a persons home who
took them in when they were in dire straits .
Also he says she doesn't want to be here , and she says he doesn't want to be here .....
OK I get the message ...MOVE OUT !!
Perhaps my DD was right after all , a leopard doesn't change it's spots !

[Barbie]

LL, I'm so sorry. How long were they planning to stay there? And by the way, I'm going through a similar situation with DD, she's had many problems with DB trying to protect us and now she wants nothing to do with him, not even with her little niece, she says she's protecting her heart...Unfortunetely there's nothing we can do but stay out of it and hope they can work it out someday (hopefully soon).

[luise.volta]

Time to build your own life. They need to build theirs by making mistakes and learning from them or not. Your job is done. Step back...let go and move on for their well being as well as yours. Sending love...

[Pooh]

Have you given them a date to be out by?  Or have they set a date that they will be going?