July 11, 2020, 11:13:24 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Adult son selectively looking for work

Started by VelvetHammer, March 03, 2020, 09:15:22 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

VelvetHammer

Almost 30 year old son continues to live at home after college and an advance degree. After graduation with the advanced, degree, decided he "hated" this profession. Works a part-time minimum wage job from 3-7 each day and then plays video games all night.  Has only been on 2 job interviews n the last year - applying for jobs he isn't even qualified for.  We have paid for counseling and a career counselor, all with no progress.  He explodes and plays the blame game every time he is asked about his job search.  No medical insurance - he had a hospital stay about a year ago and has a 30K bill hanging over his head that has not been resolved.  He should be paying rent.  Any advice on what to do?

Stilllearning

Welcome V!!  We are glad you found us!  I am unfortunately on my way to work but I will post a more thoughtful reply in a few hours.  Be sure to check out our forum agreement under "open me first" to be sure we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.  See you later today!  So sorry you are in this unfortunate circumstance.  We all want our children to fledge from the nest on their own instead of having to kick them out.  Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Stilllearning

Hi V!!  It is my lunch break so this will be short also.  Sorry!!  I have thought about you and your dilemma this morning.  It is truly sad when we are put in your situation.  You deserve to enjoy your life. You spent 30 years doing everything you could for him. 

I had to pretty much turn my back on my eldest.  It really hurt but it was not until then that he really understood all that we had done for him over the years.  It took a while but the gap left by my pulling away from him has filled.  We will never be the way we were before he married my DIL but things are worlds better now that he does not have the power to control my emotions.  He is an adult.  He makes adult decisions.  He has to pay for the bad ones, but I give him full credit for the good decisions he makes.  Good luck!

Hopefully someone else will chime in with their own feelings!

Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Bamboo2

Welcome! Your post resonated with me.  What a frustrating situation that must be for you.  I have a son who struggled when college didn't work out for him and he ended up moving back home, aimless, depressed and extremely defensive. Locked himself in his room and played video games.  Wouldn't meet with us about expectations. I had been seeing a therapist myself for a year or so to get some guidance with figuring out this son, who my husband and I believe is on the autism spectrum - Aspergers.  Things came to a head when he said he had suicidal thoughts and I called the county mental health crisis line, which was very helpful.  My son never did agree to therapy, as the county social worker recommended, but she helped us all work out a plan for him to continue staying in the house and take some steps toward gainful employment.  We suggested a short term training program which he completed, found a full time job through the instructor, and now 15 months later he is still at home, paying all his own bills and saving for a townhouse. We take 1/3 of his monthly income as rent (saving some of that in an account for when he moves out) and have an agreement about what household tasks he needs to do. Now he and we both see a good future for him.  Things could change if he loses his job, of course, but for now he feels good and has a purpose.  I don't know if any of my story is helpful to you. We were pretty desperate at times, but I felt that getting my own support was vital.  Wishing you all the best!

luise.volta

Hi, and welcome. I have had no first-hand experience with your situation and we never write here about what we think we would have done or what we think you should do. However, I want to add my caring to the caring of those that have responded. Many hugs.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

VelvetHammer

Thank you for all of the encouraging responses and support.  Much of what you shared has resonated with me.  Hopefully, there is light at the end of the tunnel.