August 12, 2020, 02:54:24 am


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Grandchild's Birthday

Started by vptink, July 31, 2009, 11:18:23 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


I'm new to this so please have patience.  My DIL has had issues since day one which I have tried to love away.  Needless to say the loving away hasn't worked that well because I am now here trying to find answer for some peace of mind.  My grandchilds birthday is tomorrow and I found out just yesterday after sending her a birthday card in the mail that I thought she would enjoy receiving that she is having a family birthday party and we weren't told about it or invited to.  My son in passing said he beleived it might be tomorrow's date (he said this two weeks ago) but wasn't sure and had no idea of the time.  Earlier this week I had text my DIL to find out what size clothes to buy my grand daughter as a gift and never received a answer back.  She very seldom answers when I call their house and never returns any phone or text messages I leave unless of course she needs a favor.  As most of the other posts I read on here our relationship is almost non-exsitant she had so many sad issues growing up it seems the easiest thing for her is to tune most people out of her life except this mother daughter love hate relationship she has with her mom.  Not being invited or usually being asked as a after thought to a function they are having last minute I have always in the past just over looked and shown up on the last minute invites telling myself well thats just them at least they remembered to call the morning of.  I'm finally fed up with the lack of respect for being last on their people they'd like to include list and decided I'm not going this time even though my son made up another excuse why we weren't told or sent the invitation.  Please help am I being unreasonable asking to be called and asked like everyone else they seem to want to attend to their functions in advance instead of on call? Am I horrible for deciding not to go to my grandchild's birthday that they forgot to invite us to to begin with? I had told my grand daughter that I have plans and want to take her to lunch later next week and spend the day at our house which she seemed to love the idea.  Thoughts on this would greatly appreciated.


I am so sorry...first of all.  We've all been there and it hurts so much!

I'm trying to get clear: did son mention it to you at some point about the party and then you didn't get especially asked?  You have to be careful not to give DIL ammunition for future dismissal, if you know what I mean.

This is a damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of thing.  What about saying, (to keep her from thinking she has hurt you, which she is trying to do) "hey guys, I told Granddaughter that I'd take her out for her birthday so I wanted to get a date firmed up.  Is Saturday okay? I want to make it special for her; we're going to do such and such".

I don't know if this will work but what really matters in YOU and your feelings right now. Your GDaughter knows that you love her and haven't forgotten her and it is most important that you don't show DIL that you're hurt!

Just my opinion. 


No, I wouldn't take a stand on this (or on any other issue) with your DI. I see it as a trap. I think that's what your DIL wants you to do and that she will use it against you.

Prissy makes a lot of sense to me. Her suggestion totally ignores the spiteful behavior of your DIL and focuses on your granddaughter.

I get the feeling that you are being baited and that anything you do will provide her with the ammunition she is seeking. If you fall for it, she will then make it your fault and open war will be declared with her as the injured party. Greater distance from your granddaughter will be the result. 

I have no idea if your DIL is doing this with malice of forethought or is unconsciously trying to cause trouble due to her own insecurities or limitations but the results are the same.

What you are asking for and and deserve is respect and that is being withheld deliberately. To stay in touch with your granddaughter at all, I feel you need to act like it doesn't matter all that much to you how or when you are invited...or better yet, that you didn't even notice the slight...if you can pull that off. She is treating you outrageously, that's clear. I would give her back a happy camper and get great satisfaction from that.

I think your DIL probably enjoys treating others differently to let you know how you rate with her. Your son sounds apathetic; we see a lot of that around here. Our sons can't cope and give up trying. Play dumb and beat her at her own game. I know that's not easy or even honest, but it's a survival plan.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


AMEN!!  I absolutely agree, Luise...


Thank you both for your thoughts again patience with me I'm very new to posting my thoughts anywhere. To answer your question Prissy I have a 19 year old daughter that works at a custard stand part time. My son loves to go there when she is working and he has the time to order extra a "loving care" order that is of course larger than the average ones.  She several weeks ago had asked him if there was going to be a birthday party for her niece and when so she could schedule to take off work for it.  He said "oh I think my wife wants it August 1st I have no idea what time."  And that is the last my daughter, husband or I heard anything about a birthday party.  A few days ago my husband said we should mail our grand daughter a birthday card she's turning nine and would probably love to get mail.  I thought it was a great idea and followed up on it.  My grand daughter calling to thank me for the card was the next time I heard from any of them and she spilled the beans saying she was having a outdoor party today with lots of people going.  Several hours later my son calls out of the blue (he calls maybe once a week or two) and said hi just checking in.  Well of course the conversation led to my grand daughter getting her card, loving it and calling to thanks us and then when he said "oh you are coming to the party, right?"  I tryed to not show any hurt by explaining we were never told about it other than our daughter hearing the tentative date he gave her a few weeks ago.  He claimed he was upset that a invitation was wrote, he saw it laying on the table and assumed it was sent.  When I had the phone converstation with my grand daugther thanking us for the card she said she had the invitation and just forgot to give it to us.  Of course through all of this my DIL hasn't answered my text or called to explain the mishap so that leaves me wondering just what the heck is really going on. She hardly ever trys to have any communication with us claiming she is just so busy with her life who has the time.  So just like both of your advise I am trying to take the high road and not take it too personal or make any kind of fuss to show them I was slighted because as both of you said it could turn very ugly with me being the blame for it all if it did come to a head.  I guess I just needed some conformation from this site that I'm not making a mistake not showing up today where I'm clearly not expected to be.  I left it with my son that I was fine with whatever did happen, not to be upset with my grand daughter she certainly didn't mean for the invitation not to be delivered and that later in the week I would try getting with her for a special day. The trick will be my DIL answering the phone and allowing her to go.  But I've been through this so many times that I know eventually she will give me some time with her to look like she's fair about everything in my sons eyes. I fibbed and told my son we have plans for today because we didn't know anything was planned for her birthday. I'm sure their life will move on and not even a second thought will pass that something wrong happened here. Thanks for your thoughts its so good to hear I'm not alone in what goes on and in decisions we need to make over things that happen.


you're not alone....we've been there.  If you don't go thru DIL to get to see GDaughter, it will backfire.  You might mention to son when you talk to him that you can't wait to take GDaughter for her special day! 

Your son is so caught in the middle it's not funny. These women prey on nice guys.

We're here for you...


Well, heck...why not just drop over and say that your company left early and so you thought you'd just stop by for a birthday hug?!

You're doing great...and that's what this site is for...not feeling alone and to blame. We unite...heart-to-heart, and do the best we can in very difficult circumstances. Remember that your DIL had something to do with your being a grandmother. I don't mean that in a Pollyanna way. It's just the other side of the fact that you had something to do with her having a husband. You are deeply connected whether she remembers that or not.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thanks for the "just drop by suggestion" but I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it.  I am just going to let it ride and leave any self pity trips to days gone by.  Honestly I've deicded it's time for me to make good decisions for myself and whatever dysfunctional roads the rest of them want to take is up to them.  Visiting here has helped me get past the tough spot knowing I'm not alone with my DIL relationship. Hey maybe I am on the road to growing up  ;)


Oh, vptink!  I was thinking about whether you decided to go by. It sounded like a great idea in a way but I can see that it could also lead to a new set of heart breaks to come.

I know there will be some way that you can be with your GDaughter without it being ruined.  You seem so strong!!

It's so hard, isn't it?  I think it's patently unfair too. Totally unfair.   


Well, good for you! We just toss ideas out from varying points of view and that's often what happens...a sense of balance returns when we are heard and acknowledged. And you're right, the bottom line is self-love and self-care. It's the foundation from which we give and serve.

You love that little girl and she knows it. The birthday card in the mail brought her joy and you don't want any guilt to fall on her about the undelivered party invitation. (Who knows what that whole story is?)

Have fun on your one-on-one time with her! :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


vptink need to let you know, I have two grandchildren:  one who is 11 that I saw once when he was days old and a 3 year old?  That I have never met. 
   Think with your heart is all I can suggest in matters of the grandchildren.  Much luck to you!!


You are in the right place. We understand your situation. You can not control the situation only how you react. What is the saying?  " You can not control the wind but you can adjust your sails."  Take care of yourself...First. Your GD knows you love her. If you decide not to attend her birthday.... make up some non confrontational excuse. Next time you have some face time with your GD treat her to a very special day.

I am pretty much baned from attending all holidays and birthdays with my GD. (Gatherings are for family, I am not considered family....just a MIL) Although I watched her New Years eve and New Years Day. (Yippee!)  Yes, it bothers me I am not invited, but I am not going to allow one day here and there to distroy my relationship with my GD.

Remember, in life, all we can be assured of is change. This to will pass. I keep asking myself, how do I want my GD to remember me? I want her to remember me as a safe harbor in the storm of life. The fun grandmother who did things with her and took the time to listen to her. Don't worry you will be OK. Just be the beacon of love in you GDs life she will see your love and come to you.....


Quote from: luise.volta on August 01, 2009, 08:20:17 am

I have no idea if your DIL is doing this with malice of forethought or is unconsciously trying to cause trouble due to her own insecurities or limitations but the results are the same.

Once is a mistake, twice is thoughtlessness, third time is intentional.