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Something I realized

Started by Carmexx, April 15, 2010, 11:06:03 am

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I'm not sure if anyone else has had this experience, but this has happened to me and I just realized it recently.

As some of you know, my MIL lives with us and has been doing so since my husband and I got married (almost 5 years ago). We've been through some rough patches (and still go through them every once in a while), but things are much better with her.

Even though I had wanted to have a great relationship with her when I got married, that feeling faded after a lot of things happened. I just wanted us to basically co exist in peace. But recently I've found myself feeling (not acting out on it though) a little antagonistic towards her. Initially, I though it was because I was having flashbacks of all the bad times, but then I realized that is only part of it. What was really making me feel that way is that I've found myself reacting to DH's treatment of my own parents.

DH is always nice and respectful to my parents, but he seems to want them to be at arms length, all while his own mother lives with us! We are thinking about having another child, and I have told him that I want my mother to stay with me a couple of days after the baby is born. My mother is a beautiful person who gets along with almost anyone, and she and my MIL get along famously. Well, everytime  I bring that up, my DH balks and gets all fussy. We also live  far from my parents, and I tell him that at some point I want us to move closer to them (remember, my MIL lives with us so she'll be coming with us), but he won't hear of it.

So sometimes I feel like taking it out on my MIL so that my DH can see what it feels like. I don't do it because I don't like to be like that (and I'm not proud of feeling that way either), but it just amazes me how my sentiments have nothing to do with her at that moment. And that made me think that sometimes when in other relationships others do something, it may have nothing to do with me, but with other issues that are going on in their lives. Granted, I am probably predisposed to feel this way for MIL after how she treated me in the past, but the current feelings have nothing to do with her.

I think I'm going to have a talk with DH and tell him to get his act together with my parents. I don't appreciate feeling like I can't have my mother over for a period of time when his mother lives with us.


Carmexx, I'm full of admiration for you. I know it can't be easy having your MIL living with you, but you are trying to make it work. I applaud how you are exploring your feelings towards her. You're amazing! My DIL can't stand to have me ride in the same car  :P

I feel like things are unequal between my DIL's parents and us, since they see DS & DIL every day and get the lion's share of celebrations and holidays. It really hurts, so I know how you feel. I hope your talk with DH goes well. Best wishes.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Okay, so I haven't posted in forever (have lurked here and there, though) but I had to respond to this. I TOTALLY know how you feel! My mil doesn't live with us, but we see her at least once a week (if there's a holiday we've been known to see them 4 times in a week) while my mom lives 12 hours away. I get frustrated with it also and have a hard time not taking it out on her (I don't though!). The worst is when I hear mil complain that she missed seeing the kids when we've gone out of town or something. I have to force myself not to roll my eyes and and say something about how my mom hasn't seen them in months. My dh has had conflict with my mom that I won't go into so he keeps her at arms length also, although when I was pregnant with my kids who I wanted in the house/delivery room, when, and for how long were completely up to me. I'm of the belief that I'm the one pushing the baby out, I get to choose (sorry mil's). So while your dh may not want your mom with you, frankly I would pull the pregnant mommy card and say "Look, I'm the one giving birth, I want my mom with me and that's how it's going to be. When you give birth, then we can keep my mom away" I know that sounds harsh, but giving birth is such a major event that I can't imagine not having my mom with me even if she couldn't make it for the birth itself.


Liz, no apologies needeed to this MIL - as someone who has also given birth, I appreciated being able to choose who would attend (we did homebirths.) Alas, DM had passed away, but my dear friend and surrogate mother was there. DH was glad to accept whomever I wanted, and since it was a long labor & delivery for #1 child, he appreciated being able to take a break.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Carmexx,  I believe you deserve a very much needed pat on the back!  Yes I do think the knowledge of your own feelings and the realization that came with them gave you wisdom.  I think even more of the fact that you are making that effort not to be vindictive with your MIL (to get even).  This is the sign of a very strong and wise woman. 

I agree with your discussion.  I hope all goes very well for you and believe if your husband is smart and loving, he will see that you request is not asking too much, but is more than fair. 

Please keep us posted.  I for one, am so proud to know you.  You belong in this circle here!  I still believe that and am sending you such big hugs... 


Thanks for your encouraging words, Penstamen and Cocobars! I am so struggling with feeling this way right now, but your words encouraged me to calm down.

Liz, while I'm sorry that you are going through this as well, but it does feel good to be understood.