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I'M STILL MAD

Started by 2chickiebaby, January 03, 2010, 09:04:48 am

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cremebrulee

Quote from: Peace on January 03, 2010, 05:59:43 pm
I think it is the same emotions as grieving from a death. When my dad died two years ago I had a hospice counselor work with me for a full year.  I am now caretaking my mom and the only caretaker.  She lived in the era where the man completely ran the household and she was completely sheltered.  She was married to my dad for sixty years.  She still lives on her own but I handle all of her affairs.  Her short term memory is getting really bad and this subject is just another major part of my life.  Anyway, the emotions are (I think):

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Does this sound right?


Boy, aren't those hospice workers wonderful...I've never met medical workers that were so caring and compassionate before....when my foster mom was going....they were wonderful!!!!  We were all so thankful for their expertise and acting like human beings...she was in a good clean place...it was beautiful....and how loving they were....when my mom left, they were there crying with us...saying she was such a lovely person...they all loved her...be it true or not, they knew exactly just what to say and how to advise us....what wonderful women!!!!!

cremebrulee

January 06, 2010, 08:12:41 am #16 Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 08:33:50 am by cremebrulee
yanno, I have to admit, I went to that other site...I was called the resident physcolgist here, and a know it all and a narcissistic....and the woman who was writing this, said, she loved to come here and read what we MIL's had to say...b/c it helps her know what hurts and bothers her MIL all the more...and she intends to use it against her MIL....

That is how utterly hateful and vindictive some of these young women are...it's shocking isn't it...?  But it also helps me understand where my DIL is coming from and what she's feeling.  I can honestly say...this is the type of person, you will never resolve anything with....never...it's a lost cause...

I didn't get angry, but what I felt was sympathy for that young woman, and more so, her husband and MIL, little do they know the hurt  they're lives are in for.....

whoever she may be...it is very sad, to be that hateful and contemptable, to actually desire to hurt another human being like that is not only dispicable...but your husband's own mother...????  Sheesh....I wonder what he would say, if he could read her comments....how hurt he would be...

yanno, it's not just about her, but the lives she will continue to effect in a very negative way...hers, her husbands, her MIL, FIL, and most of all her children...she will teach them contempt and hate...and teach them to hate they're MIL....one can only hope, that her husband finds out what kind of woman she is before they have children....

We are so blind when we marry, are we not?

I take comments like that and think, "that is how my DIL is".....so hateful...so out of touch...socially unacceptable behavior...

that is the same kind of hate that starts wars and kills people....and I know there are MIL's out there like this...what I can't understand, is the fact that they don't even realize, let alone care how they treat others...or the pain they cause for so many other lives...for the rest of they're lives...a truly life altering person....a person who will hurtfully change people's lives forever...

So, your main goal in life, is to learn how to irritate and hurt MIL more?  What a small world she must live in....sad....very sad....

to sum it up...I believe we should be aware of this...not to learn how to retaliate, but more so, to get out of our own little plastic bubbles and realize, that there are really people out there like this....and learn how to deal with them in a controlled, kind, and understanding manner...hate breeds hate...but sometimes love can create miracles.

I know when this first started with my DIL, I was in such a state of complete shock at her behavior towards me...and deep inside, I actually knew what she was doing, but preferred to be in denial and consider that I must have done something to spark this behavior...and try so darn hard for 12 years....sheesh?  I wish I had known then, what I know now...

Oh well, just thinking out loud...

I know I do come off as a know it all...however, my main goal is to share all my experiences...and hope that by telling my stories...that someone else gains from my mistakes...I can't live anyone's life for them, or tell people how to live, but what I can do is talk, and tell people about my achievements and my failures, along with my bad choices and experiences...in hopes that it may prevent someone from making the same mistakes as I did.   And to those of you who are my age, age is also on our side...life experiences through age, is really a great teacher isn't it?  We all know where we went wrong....and what we would change if we could....but sometimes we need to talk about it and share...

And believe me, once a mother always a mother, and these DIL's who feel that we should no longer love our sons, that our sons are now they're properties...I got another think coming...someday, they will feel the same way about they're children, and because they are who they are, they're children will turn around and leave, and I would hate to see how they are as MIL's.   

So, if I come off as a know it all, please know, that I don't mean to...I am just a very open person who cares about people...I'm not a counselor, nor do I have all the answers and have definately made my share of mistakes....big ones...

Just wanted to let you all know that I do care and I may not always have the right answers...and I don't mind, if anyone points that out to me...as long as they are genuine and caring back....and I beleive we all feel that way...I believe this is truly a very productive site, if it were not, other new DIL's wouldn't be venturing in...

and by the way, I'd also like to say, to you new DIL's, it takes an awful lot of courage to break away from the cliches and stand on your own for what you believe in to be right....which shows, you have a lot of wisdom and compassion for the feelings of others...your taking the time to find out a MIL's perspective, not to hurt back, but to understand the why's of her behavior and perhaps, resolve the issue. 



isitme?

January 06, 2010, 08:24:57 am #17 Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 08:28:17 am by isitme?
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 08:12:41 am
....and the woman who was writing this, said, she loved to come here and read what we MIL's had to say...b/c it helps her know what hurts and bothers her MIL all the more...and she intends to use it against her MIL....


That IS contemptible...it makes me very sad.

Creme, you are not being a know it all... you are sharing your insights and wisdom with all of us who really need to hear these things.  I've lost count of all the great responses you have had to many of my posts...including the last one! 

I think the main problem we are all trying to work on is how to deal with someone who is unhealthy...someone who tries to find out an MILs perspective just so she can learn how to hurt her????  that actually sounds quite sick to me.  Listening to all of you here has helped reassure me that's I'M not the one with the problem - my MIL is sick the same way as many of your DILs.  She is nothing like the MILs here.  I certainly know how I could "hurt" her but would I?  never!    the most I'm hoping for is learning how to stop being hurt by her..

We can never change these people - but we can recognize them for who they are and deal accordingly.  At least, that's what I'm trying to do.  But it's good to get the reality check....

As angry as I get, most of the time I just feel sad for people like this - I would hate to be them because it seems like a really sad and lonely and miserable way to live...  :-\

2chickiebaby

but some DILs say that we know very well why the DIL is doing this....why she gives dirty looks and that we are pathetic people having had bad childhoods and for a brief time, were happy with our kids here.  All until SHE came along.  They say we are "N's" and needy and whatever else it is.  Some of the DILs say that they come here just for fun and that they've been cyberstalked by us because they've used their same names here and also post there.

I'd be surprised if any MIL did that but that's what they say.  I don't know VERY WELL why my DILs do these things or why they're so interested in control.  I do not get it.  I'm not stupid....I am educated.  I have a heart, though.  Wish I didn't.  (this, they say is some kind of manipulation on my part or neediness or whatever else it is) 

Why are they so mean?  That's another thing....they love to see us hurt over what they've said on their site. They make fun of us.

They say there are 2 women on our site who post the most.....both are pathetic, sad creatures.  (thanks a lot)

isitme?

January 06, 2010, 08:41:48 am #19 Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 08:44:03 am by isitme?
chickie, PLEASE don't let them get to you.  No, you are not perfect - neither am I.  But if you were really such a terrible person, you would have been called out on this site much earlier.  These women are mean for the same reason my FMIL can be so mean - they are unhappy with themselves and taking it out on you.

Please please please stop reading those DIL sites and thinking about them.  They are not talking about you at all - as a FDIL I can see that your DILs have issues.  Have you contributed to the problems in the past?  sure, maybe... I know I have too.  But you're not the root of the problem it seems - please try to take some comfort in that.

have you gotten through emotional vampires yet?  What did you think?  It really helped me realize what the qualities of narcissism are like - but also made me realize that I sometimes verge towards the obsessive compulsive and passive aggressive spectrum.  Not in a vampire way but those are just some of my flaws... but the section at the end of each chapter is helpful because it suggests ways to improve if you recognize some of those characteristics in yourself... the whole point is that you SHOULD recognize some of those traits in yourself - because none of us are perfect.  But when you CAN'T see your flaws, that's when you become a vampire.....

cremebrulee

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 08:33:13 am
but some DILs say that we know very well why the DIL is doing this....why she gives dirty looks and that we are pathetic people having had bad childhoods and for a brief time, were happy with our kids here.  All until SHE came along.  They say we are "N's" and needy and whatever else it is.  Some of the DILs say that they come here just for fun and that they've been cyberstalked by us because they've used their same names here and also post there.

I've been cyberstalked by one inparticular woman, who claims to be my age, although, I've had so so many people ask me if she was my DIL?  I dunno, and I don't care...sometimes Chickie, I really don't care...I mean, I don't want to hurt my DIL...but I've told nothing but the truth...and to be honest...she needs to have someone hit her upside the head with a 2 x 4 to wake her up...this life is not just about her...and she is hurting so many people...

but yeah, I know about being cyberstalked....the woman has the nerve to come into the threads I start and proceed to discredit me...and all the things she accuses me of doing, she has done...I've even had people call me or write me and tell me that...but hey?  What the heck?

I'd be surprised if any MIL did that but that's what they say.  I don't know VERY WELL why my DILs do these things or why they're so interested in control.  I do not get it.  I'm not stupid....I am educated.  I have a heart, though.  Wish I didn't.  (this, they say is some kind of manipulation on my part or neediness or whatever else it is) 

I think Chickie, they have way to much time on they're hands, and they live this tragic soap opera life....yanno?  They are insecure, and subconsciously live out this tragic life to verify to themselves that it's ok to be so miserable and make other miserable...who knows?  But, it is sad...

QuoteWhy are they so mean?  That's another thing....they love to see us hurt over what they've said on their site. They make fun of us.


Let them, who cares, Chickie...if we were wrong, and we were hateful and they're words were true...then this site wouldn't be off to such a successful start, not to mention...every one here understands each others problems...they don't attack, they are looking to resolve problems not make them...that is the difference.  Remember, these people are angry a lot of times and don't even know why...think about how sad that is...

They say there are 2 women on our site who post the most.....both are pathetic, sad creatures.  (thanks a lot)


Well, they are talking about me to hun...pathetic and sad, yes, but it doesn't hurt me...it makes me smile...it's jealousy....yanno, the person at work who talks about someone to all the new workers and says, stay away from her...

well, she is the one that everyone stays away from...when people talk badly about another, you tend to wonder....yanno?

Hugs and thanks for all you've done...and don't worry about those young women who speak so badly of us...Chickie...someday, they will reap what they have done...

cremebrulee

and know Ladies, that you are loved...very much, all of you!!!!!  ;D

2chickiebaby

Okay....I really hate to be people's entertainment...but thank you.

cocobars

mom2,

I'm sorry if I offended you with my remark about mad being part of growth.  I can assure you that was not my intent.  I'm no expert, but just giving my opinions, and I do realize that my opinions are not everyone else's opinions.  I am probably more simple minded that most women but do not want to offend anyone here, because you have all been so kind to me.  Please accept my sincerest apologies for being silly enough to believe that.  I don't expet everyone to agree.

cremebrulee

[quote author=isitme?
That IS contemptible...it makes me very sad.
As angry as I get, most of the time I just feel sad for people like this - I would hate to be them because it seems like a really sad and lonely and miserable way to live...  :-\
[/quote]

thanks so much for your kind words of support...and know, I used to get really upset and taken back when they would hammer me, and tell me I was the problem, not my DIL...

They're words were harsh and I would sometimes sit and cry....but now, I've grown pretty thick skinned...and it doesn't bother me in the least...and yes, I do feel very sorry for them...yanno, God answers prayers in so many ways...

I know you all know, that we all have good up times, and some down times, and there are times when we doubt ourselves....well...and here I go with another story...

the other night I was having a somewhat down time, wishing things were different and all...and my neighbor stops over...

ok, she called me 2:30 in the morning and asked me if I would take her to the emergency room...sure I did...

anyway, she's sitting there talking to me, and asking me if I know a certain person at work....apparently her daughter knows this woman, and her daughter was telling this woman how her mother's neighbor took her mother to the emergency room and picked her up...and she said my name...well, this woman said, "OMG, I know her, she is the nicest person!!!"  and so forth...but it really made my day to hear that...so, when we're down, we have to learn to look for the reassuring gifts which are sent to us....yanno?


2chickiebaby

Okay, I'll quit....it's like a magnet pulling me to see what they're saying.  One of the ones posting was a poster here.  They make fun of us.

I'm glad we have DILs here who care about us....thank you, Isitme!! 

I am going to read more about the Vampires today.  I have found CDIL in almost every passage.  I have also found her husband...our son.  When I look at the other DIL, I can see her too...it's written very well.  I should be equipped for battle when I'm done!!

I was stalked too, Creme....really bad.  When I see the "guests" looking up my original name, I shudder.  I wonder when they're coming to get me.  Thank goodness for Luise...OY

  Listen up, "guests", she won't tolerate it here.

Sassy

Creme Brulee, you are not a know-it-all, not-at-all.  ;D  You are wonderful, nurturing, and generous with your sharing your experiences.

I hesitated to respond to this because Luise has asked us more than once not to bring the content of hate-sites over here to her site.

But I wanted to let you know, Creme, just how warm and knowledgeable and kind your posts come across.




cremebrulee

yanno, Chickie, it's ok to go into those sites...and maybe this is your journey, to learn from, to instead, understand these women who are making these remarks and learning pity for them, instead of anger or dislike...all these things are life experiences...and I know I've asked you not to go into those sites, but at the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is best for you...and deal with it your way...me, I don't get angry, or hurt or feel anything but pity for those women.,...it's very sad, b/c they are missing out on so much of life and life's experiences.

Hey, I had a MIL who was very controlling and sometimes a real pain in the butt, but did I HATE her...NO!  I would have never ever done anything to hurt her, or even talked to her cruely...and I learned so much from her...especially how not to be, as a MIL when my son grew up....and to this day, I do respect her and love her...she is old now, and I feel so bad for her...yet, she is still very strong at heart...and please note, she did teach me so many things, and she loved me...that I know....I was young, dead set on doing things my way, very immature and took things she said as a personal attack against my character....or like she was saying to me, I was doing it all wrong, but she wasn't nor did she mean to...she was simply trying to be helpful and she was confident....


cocobars


2chickiebaby

I just want to stop getting my feelings hurt.  The only way to do that is to quit going there.  Okie dokie......I just will.