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Saw Something Heartbreaking Today

Started by Victim, January 02, 2010, 09:26:31 AM

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2chickiebaby

January 06, 2010, 07:32:48 AM #30 Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 07:35:30 AM by 2chickiebaby
but some DILs say that we know very well why the DIL is doing this....why she gives dirty looks and that we are pathetic people having had bad childhoods and for a brief time, were happy with our kids here.  All until SHE came along.  They say we are "N's" and needy and whatever else it is.  Some of the DILs say that they come here just for fun and that they've been cyberstalked by us because they've used their same names here and also post there.

I'd be surprised if any MIL did that but that's what they say.  I don't know VERY WELL why my DILs do these things or why they're so interested in control.  I do not get it.  I'm not stupid....I am educated.  I have a heart, though.  Wish I didn't.  (this, they say is some kind of manipulation on my part or neediness or whatever else it is) 

Why are they so mean?  That's another thing....they love to see us hurt over what they've said on their site. They make fun of us.

They say there are 2 women on our site who post the most.....both are pathetic, sad creatures.  (thanks a lot)

isitme?

creme,
I just wrote out a looooooooooong reply to your post - but lost it.....    ARGH!  I don't think I'd be able to rewrite everything all over again  :(

thank you so much for taking the time to express your thoughts and concerns. I really really appreciate it.  Alot of what you've said are things I have asked myself as well.  I think our counselor is doing a good job though - I don't think she was trying to make me feel terrible, but I was just feeling defensive and insecure and perhaps that's what came out in my vent.  When she went on about how he was a great guy who anyone would snap up, I think she was trying to reassure me that I wasn't choosing a dud.  I also think my BF really wants us to get engaged/married soon but is hurt that I am holding back.  I do need to work on my fear of commitment and dependency though - it's not just because of BF and his family but also other issues from my life.

Wow, I really wish I hadn't lost my post because I had a lot of responses to many of your comments.  Hmm, how to sum it up?  Well, the gist was that I'm not trying to fix my BF or save him - but I do recognize that it's something he is working on himself with the counselor.  I suspect she is as tough on him in his sessions as she is with me - but I think that's what we both need right now.  I think we would have a good life together.  But despite all the "positive" interactions we have had with his family lately, I'm not going to let down my guard.  I've seen and heard to much about FMIL and the rest of the family to think anything will ever change.  I can just change the way I react to them. 

At the end of the day, I still think FMIL has a narcissitic personality disorder and BF has to learn to deal with it.  Earlier I used to follow his lead with his family because I thought that was the right thing to do.  But if FMIL ever speaks to me the way she has in the past, I am not going to keep quiet and take it the way the rest of the family does, I am going to leave the room or end the conversation.  BF knows that and says he supports me in that.  I really think the counselor has opened up his eyes to a lot of things but I'm not in those private sessions and I want him to have some privacy and space as he works on those things...

So again, sorry I lost my earlier post because there was a lot more there.  But thanks so much for all the advice.  I'm really taking it to heart and am going to think long and hard about everything.   :)

cremebrulee

Hi there
I have learned, when you write a long post, it's best to copy it before you push post, b/c it has happened to me....LOL...

Hun, I hope you know I wish you the very best that life has to offer....and the bottom line is, only you know best....

I simply wanted to bring some apprehensions I had to the table....and let you know, you have every right to your feelings...

No matter what you decide, it's all about your happiness and your choices...not mine....

Big hugs and thanks so much for your reply....

Creme

cocobars

Good for you, isitme!  This site is so good for venting.  It's like a private place to go where you can say what you want and nobody around you knows.  HA!  Lots of caring women come here, and not just for the MIL's. We are all trying (just like you) to be great MIL's.  It's too bad not all DIL's really try like you are.

isitme?

January 06, 2010, 08:09:07 AM #34 Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 08:14:59 AM by isitme?
Yes, copying before trying to post is something I am always kicking myself for not doing - oh well..
:P

I understand where your apprehensions come from - and I really am grateful to you for sharing them with me because it makes me realize I"m not crazy and it's okay for me to have these feelings.  I don't want to be like one of the DILs described on this site - but the sad truth is, my FMIL is not like any of you here either.  But this a great site for those of us who DO want to have healthy relationships with our families. 

I might have had a positive conversation with FMIL yesterday but everything I have ever seen and heard about her tells me it won't be long before the crazy comes out again....but hopefully I will have better tools to deal with that.  I will do my best but keep some distance - like I always say "I may have been born in the morning, but it wasn't YESTERDAY morning!"




cremebrulee

Quote from: isitme? on January 06, 2010, 08:09:07 AM
Yes, copying something before trying to post is something I am always kicking myself for not doing - oh well..
:P

LOL, I hear ya....and I still forget sometime....LOL

isitme?

I don't know the answer to your question Anna - but my FMIL is the same way:  you can't ever bring up anything she has done in the past because she will either deny it or say not to bring up the past.  I don't like dwelling on the past either.... but sometimes history is all you have to go on.  I've been told over and over that I am dwelling on the past and I just need to make a fresh start - I can see how sometimes that is the case but there's also somethign to be said for first impressions...and second ones.... and third ones....and so on!

If you look at someone's post, there's usually something in the upper right corner that says "insert quote" - if you click on it, it will add that post to your post and you can edit it to show just what you want....

cremebrulee

QuoteAnna
My dil storms off & runs away too.  Won't deal with anything that happened in the past, & how do you get past issues if you can't discuss things that have happened?  It is circle, never ending.  If you bring up past issues she says we are throwing things in her face, we have been told she will not discuss it.  How do I get past these things?  Things have been better lately but we are all doing exactly as dil wishes.  That seems to be the only time things run smoothly, if dil is in total control, & no one goes against her.  Yikes !!

My DIL will do the very same thing...they do it for several reasons
1.   to control the conversation
2.  Sometimes any attention will do for them, even if it is negative attention...
3.  to avoid discussion is to avoid hearing that she is wrong...that way she doesn't have to take ownership
4.  Storming off is her way of walking out, still in control of the situation, she wins....

Yanno, I've grown so weary of this any more....I actually believe that she must be right at all costs..therefore, so what, let her win...who cares...whats more important, your sanity or winning....you can't win with these people....they are Never wrong...

But I do know your frustration and hurt very well....

Hugs