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My Children Hate Me

Started by cocobars, January 02, 2010, 07:58:43 AM

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cocobars

My daughter hasn't spoken to me in years and calls her step- mother "mom."  I don't really understand what I've done to her.  My ex husband (her father) was physically abusive and she doesn't seen to remember all the bad things he did, but now idolizes him and has stopped seeing me.  I have no money to help her and her husband out, but he does have alot of it.  Would that cause her to act this way and stop speaking to me or seeing me, calling his wife "mom?"

I went to their wedding (which her father and his wife paid for).  I knew that, and decided nothing would bother me;  it was my daughter's day.   When it came time to give the bride away he said, Her mother "Barb" and I give her away."  His wife's name.  I heard a few gasps in the pews behind me, but didn't react. There were stairs outside the church where the family stood to meet everyone there.  They placed me at the very bottom and had their sister in-law offer "bubbles" to everyone that got down to me, so I couldn't talk to them.  I still smiled and had a good time.  I was determined to see her big day.  I was talking to her when the wedding planner came up to us.  I complimented the planner on the beautiful wedding and reception she had helped set up.  When I introduced myself as her mother, the wedding planner looked at me like I was crazy.  She said, "you mean her step mother, right?, Barb is her mother."  There were so many things that happened.  I drove seven hours to be at this wedding.  I was supposed to stay the night, but when it was all over, I just couldn't do it.  I got into my car and cried all the way back home.  I am still so hurt.

I don't know what I did?  I thought I was a good mother.  What would make my daughter treat me this way?  What can I do to get over this and so many other things like it?  I don't think I can give up on her.  I love her so much!

2chickiebaby

Dear Cocobars,
I just want to say how sorry I am that this happened to you.  No Mother should have to go thru this. 

I know someone who was done the same way, no comfort, I know.  The one with the money seems to win out these days, without regard to someone's heart.

I just know you'll find some comfort here among others who have not the same experience but just as hurt in their own way.  Sending you love... :)

cocobars

Thank you chickiebaby!

I hope I do get some help here!  It's why I came...  Finding this site was a Godsend, and you were my very first friend.

2chickiebaby

It's just so sad and I hate for this to happen to any Mother!  The person I know who this happened to and whose former husband never took one interest in the kids growing up, is living with one of her kids.  Her former husband is adored now....he's a total jackass in every way.  He has lots of money, though. 

The woman's son's wife did not want her in their lives and made him choose his family or his Mother.  He chose his wife and family. His Mother has no contact with his kids or with him.

Some people say that she had to have done something to cause this.....she did..she was the other woman in her son's life. 

greeneyes100

Hi Cocobars a similar thing happened to my at my sons very huge wedding put on by his father. My name wasnt mentioned in any toasts etc. I was like cinderella compared to sons wifs mother. Anyway unlike you I got drunk and really stuffed up big time. I fell right into their hands. I have had to live with that for 4 years and learn how to forgive my self. DIL, MIL,S and ex well what can I say they dont think much of me  Congratulate yourself for being so cool that day

2chickiebaby

Bless your heart, Green.....

cocobars

Thank you green eyes.  I guess I don't think I was so cool if my daughter would let that happen to me.  There were other things that day, that led up to my leaving early (before the reception was completely over), and deciding to go on the long drive back home.  I wish I had the money to help, but I'm out now and I see that.  It hurts and I just can't give up on her, although one of my other daughter's (I have 4 grown children too), said I just need to do that. 

I'm so happy I found this site and people like you!  It let's me know I'm not alone and maybe, not so bad.  I've been walking around thinking I'm a bad person.  Maybe that's wrong, but that is how the experience has affected me.  Thank you for your kindness and support.  I will look at myself differently, for not reacting there.  BUT, I have a confession;  I did get very drunk when I got home.  Cried all the way and drank myself to sleep.  I guess that is why I don't give myself the credit you did.  Because my reaction was the same as yours, but just in a different forum...

greeneyes100

LOL   I have said sorry, nothing more I can do. I really abused my ex   oh dear   he really deserved it but not at my sons wedding with guests from around the world. Talk about money being spent on a wedding and I ended up being the main attraction.  not good

2chickiebaby

Coco, you tried your hardest under extremely hard circumstances.  I don't know how you drove home.  I couldn't have done it.  You're a strong woman and I just know you will be okay.  Maybe not right now but one day.  I'm so glad to have all these friends here to say what's on my heart.....that includes you!



cocobars

Bless you both for your kindnesses!  My ex deserved exactly what yours got, and maybe he was a little paranoid that karma was on my heels.  That would explain some of it.

I would rather karma come from somewhere other than me.  God seems to be more vindictive and creative than I am!  LOL!

SunnyDays09

Seems like a conspiracy to me, the way dear old dad claimed he and his new wife du jour would be giving YOUR daughter away, doesn't it?  He didn't think it would be a hateful thing to do?  Had the shoe been on the other foot, how would He have felt? 

  That is unacceptable, to me.  Sad.  I don't even understand why you would bother with a grown daughter like that any longer.  Really. 
   I would certainly be putting my love and energy into something/one that gives back.

  Sorry you went thru that.    I cannot reply too impartially since I, too, have experienced similar betrayals.   Please take what I suggest with a grain of salt, for I am speaking solely from my own personal trials dealing with disrespectful adult children. 
 
  Good for you that you could continue with your brave face thru that awful time.  Our experiences parallel for sure. 
  I do have a question though - you say your daughter hadn't spoken to you in years and calls her stepmother "mom" why would you even bother going to her wedding?  It is obvious it was just an obligation that you were even thought of.  I am sorry if this seems cruel, I don't mean it to.
   But really, personally I wouldn't give that person anymore of my heart or time.

ââ,,¢Â¥ 


cocobars

Thank you happy days.  I wasn't living in the same state, and really thought there was no threat.  I was humiliated and surprised.  I was dumb enough to think that just because I had let bygones be bygones, he had done the same?  I should have known better.

The last night he was in my house, my daughter (11 years old at the time) called the police because he was beating my son and I.  Well, I pressed charges and divorced him.  He should have seen it coming, because I warned him that I wasn't going to be treated that way anymore.

Silly me, for thinking he had gotten over it and moved on.  I'm not worried about what he thinks.  It's my daughter I'm hurt by...

2chickiebaby

You're welcome, Coco...it's hard to do anything till you're on the other side of the situation.  You can't get to the other side until your heart is ready. 

2chickiebaby

Sometimes I think it's the ones our kids can't have that they go after....I don't know why that is.  It seems like the nicer you are, the less you're wanted in this world. 

greeneyes100

hear..hear...it is true what you can not have you want