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How Can You Love Your MIL ?

Started by RedRose, December 30, 2009, 05:10:10 AM

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isitme?

well I guess all I can do is try..

I don't know if I will ever be able to "win" her love or respect and if she sees that my guard is up, she will take that as additional evidence that I am not trying.  I think she expected me to automatically love and respect her - I did respect her initially but that died once I started seeing all her bad behavior.  Maybe she will change towards me - right now I feel like her grudging tolerance that I am in her son's life is the best I can hope for.  And it makes me feel sad that my BF thinks something like grudging tolerance is anything like real love.  Because it isn't.  Still, I"m willing to give it a shot I guess..

I hate that she makes BF feel torn.  I hate the idea that anyone should feel torn between their partner and their family - I have never seen that with in-laws in my own family.  But in counseling when I said that if I really caused so many problems for him and his mother, then I should end the relationship, the counselor told me I was "threatening abandonment".  But I'm not trying to do that - but if his mother is really that type of person that has such a hard time letting her son grow up and get married....and he has such a hard time trying to have an adult (instead of childish) relationship with her...how much can they really change?  I don't know, I really don't.  But I'm going to take your advice chickie and think everyone deserves a new start...but the guard will be up for sure.

just2baccepted

Quote from: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 05:10:10 AM
I've been reading...

Perhaps these dil's all come from broken homes and are insecure....there are not many bad people in this world...I would hope not...just people unwillingly to accept differences and feel loved.

I think some girls don't want to be loved...they don't know how to accept love. That is why there are soo many monster in laws stories.

If you try to get along with your MIL...It will make and keep your marriage strong and your husband will love you more for your efforts.

I think in a normal situation then this is most definitely true.  However the more contact we had with MIL/FIL or the more info he shared with them about what we do in our daily life the more opportunities they got to find things about me that they didn't like and then complain to my DH about "people" that do XYZ.  Or if my DH tells them we're going to go out to eat or play tennis or whatever, MIL will say things like "oh but its so expensive to eat out, we hardly eat out anymore" or "gosh its so hot outside to be playing tennis, don't you think?"  Or we're planning a trip to the lake a few mos ago and MIL was telling DH "weather channel said that the weather may be too cool that day to swim."  Or when we were about to leave for a trip to Hawaii she was worried about the plane crashing or DH losing his footing in the water and drowning!

So we've had to go back to the original plan of limited info and limited contact.  So I'm just saying that in normal functional relationships this can and should be practiced.  B/c I totally agree that the more a DIL can loving towards her MIL says something special about her simply b/c of the female rivalry/competition that we females seem to suffer from.  And this will make the son/dh happy.  But what does a DIL do when her IL's are dysfunctional and act more crazy when there's conact and access to our lives and how we live our lives.  My IL's don't approve of eating out, vacations or doing anything risky like flying.  MIL doesn't approve of me having several pair of shoes.   But what's odd is that she spend $800 on an MRI for her 12 year old dog who was dying of congestive heart failure.  But that's okay for her to do but its not okay for us to eat out and go on two vacations a year sometimes only one.  I don't get that.

2chickiebaby

She's just an absolute worry wart, Just2be.....makes drama where there is none.  That's all it is. What else does she have to do but worry about you and DH?  That consumes her life.  If she didn't worry all the time and make things out of nothing, she'd go crazy.

I think I've mentioned my Aunt with the 4 sons.  She is constantly saying things like: "you're going out to eat again??  You're just P****G your money away!

Or this one about her DIL who is a real estate agent..."well, there S is, just sitting there answering the phone for free!!!" (Aunt has no clue what a real Estate agent does)

This one:  "S goes and gets her toes done, her fanger tips done" (yes, I said fanger, she's Southern)

"S' never cooks, B does ALL THE COOKING; SHE NEVER COOKS!!"

"Do not bother B (her son) with it.  He's so busy.   He does everything, including the washing!!!"

My Aunt is the cutest thing!  That's why she gets away with all this stuff.  Her son and DIL have been married for about 30 years so she's used to it.  She just laughs it off.  One time, Aunt said that S should lose some weight and that hurt her terribly and they didn't speak for a few weeks. 

Aunt called her up one day and said, "you can come over now, S...I'm not mad at you anymore".  Then, she hung up the phone.

Making a long story short.  S loves her so much and they have all this drama that is fun from the outside and not so fun from the inside, I'm sure.  Aunt loves S just as much.  This is what they do, arguing and dramatics. 

I'm sure that's not what is going on with you but I feel that his Mother is majoring on minors to keep her head in tact. 




2chickiebaby

Forgive me for giving that example:  I know it's not the same. I shouldn't have given it.

isitme?

Just2be, I feel like i"m in a similar situation to you - in "normal" circumstances, I think all the things that people are suggesting are good.  But it doesn't sound like your MIL is able to be be "normal" (I know that's a loaded term) and that makes it hard to have a healthy relationship with anyone...

I really feel like my FMIL is the same way - unhealthy.  She has no job, very few friends (who are just like her), no pets, no hobbies or interests, no close relationship to her husband....    How can you help a woman like that?  All they seem to be capable of is sitting around the house and hating.  That's a terrible way to live but it's also really hard to have someone like that in your life - especially when they take out their hatred on YOU.  Good luck - I've read a lot of your posts and feel like I could be writing the same things sometimes!

just2baccepted

Chickie: There's nothing to forgive for giving that example.  It actually got me to thinking about how sensitive I am.  Yes I still believe that my IL's are nasty people at times but I think that if I was more secure with myself it wouldn't bother me so much what they think about me.  I've always had trouble with worrying about what anyone thinks about me.  That DIL must feel comfortable enough in her own skin to tolerate this type of treatment.  I couldn't handle that.  I'd have to keep this woman out of my life so that she didn't damage my self esteem any further.

Isitme your MIL sounds at least somewhat like mine.  My MIL is retired, has no friends, no hobbies, no close relationship to her DH as well.  And she comes off as very angry.  My SIL said that she's tried antidepressants twice but stopped them.   Thank God she has pets but she will let them linger and suffer for a long time before putting them to sleep b/c she can't let go.  And she also dumps tons of money in them to keep them alive.   She now just has one little chihuahua left, and he's perfect for her b/c he likes her and her only.  A matter of fact when I first went to their house 12 years ago that little stinker bit me on the back of the heel.  I say now that he was probably just reading my MIL's mind and doing what she wanted to do when they all first met me!  He was trying to run that girl off just for his momma! LOL!

I know I've told this before but when me and DH moved to my hometown six years ago my MIL was going to leave her DH and move into some duplexes down the street from us.  I guess she panicked at the thought of us moving closer to my family??  Thank God she changer her mind before she did anything. I still haven't figured that one out yet.  And then MIL will tell DH that SIL's lights didn't come on all weekend and she has no idea where she is.  SIL is 37 years old.  Or she'll tell me that SIL spend the night with one of their male neighbors and SIL doesn't come home till the noon the next day b/c MIL will see SIL walking from this guys house back home.  I thought wow this poor woman keeps major tabs on SIL's comings and goings doesn't she?  SIL told DH that she wants to move away from them but she can't afford it right now.  But SIL told DH that her parents are both very controlling.

2chickiebaby

Thank you so much, Just2be...I worried about posting it.  My Aunt's DIL is not hugely secure but once in awhile she tells Aunt, "you know what's wrong with you?  Your mouth!!!"

Aunt just sits there with her arms folded.  Just as soon as the hub bub is over, she goes back to doing what she does.

They have been doing this for years...it is very funny on the outside because her son tries to keep the peace all the time (plus washing clothes, cooking dinner, going to the grocery store, P****G away their money going out to eat and waiting for his wife to get back from getting her fangers done)   ;D

I am overly, overly, supersensitive too.  It is a serious problem with me.  Serious.  Our little dog barked at DDIL when she met her too.  It hurt DILs feelings and she told us that we didn't correct the dog properly.  No, we didn't (she died about 5 years ago).  She was our Princess.  I think my feelings would have been hurt too.

Your MIL is a pill with nothing to do but concentrate on her empty life. Very sad.... making her focus on you and SIL and those closest to her.  What a life, huh? 

I doubt that she's mean....she might be but she's angry at her life and sad that she has no one.  She has no one because of the way she acts....vicious cycle.  It's not you that she doesn't like......she doesn't like herself.

greeneyes100

you do not have to love anyone, you can choose to accept someone as long as they treat you with the respect you consider reasonable for you. You can choose to be pleasant to someone as long as they are pleasant to you. Love is unconditional on both sides, it is not jealous,malicous,abusive, just pure giving of love to another person. Dont accept anything less. You are in control of your own destiny. It is up to you what you will accept in your life.

SunnyDays09

Quote from: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 05:50:12 AM
Yes, I know Chickybaby. Control and jealousy.
We just have to try to  get along with each other and sometimes agre to disagree.
Agree  (shaking head YES!!!)

  In my instance. 

2chickiebaby

I've been reading about Narcissism...My CDIL fits it to a tee.  How do you separate her need for control and using me with the ability to be in their lives?  It makes me sick that I've been "had" but I still want to be in the GChildren's lives.

isitme?

ooh chickie, all the descriptions about narcissism fit my FMIL to a tee also!  Have you gotten your emotional vampires book yet?  There are some good tips in there.  All the online advice I"ve seen about how to deal with narcissitic people just says to stay as far away as possible.  Not always an option....but I think by keeping some emotional distance (not letting yourself get hurt) and some non-defensive verbal responses there IS a way to deal with people like that.  The book has a lot of tips on that - I hope you can read it soon!

2chickiebaby

The book hasn't arrived yet but hoping to learn how to deal with this by reading it....such a hard one since it involves my GChildren.   I love them so much. :'(


greeneyes100

narcisstic people do not know how to love or receive love. They cause pain to who ever they choose. They control the way they want people to feel. Never expect to feel love from this type of person,they will,use,abuse anytime they want. People with healthy self esteems will not tolerate their behaviour and stay away, people with low self esteem always try to win the love of these people but never do.

2chickiebaby

This is her:

Talking about himself all of the time, and when you bring up something from your own experience, he will take the subject right back to him.


Being very loving and gracious to you much of the time, then turning on a dime and attacking, ignoring or rejecting you without a second thought.The world's sweetest person in acting


Acting like your best friend in the world, until you really need something--then he might be nowhere to be found.TOTALLY HER. 


Acting in general like the world owes her something, and staying irritated at other people most of the time.


Being totally unwilling to take responsibility for his own actions and any pain he might be causing, being all too ready to blame others (whom he considers to be inferior to him).ALWAYS BLAMES OTHERS!!  In fact, she says: "I blame "so and so".