married daughter problems

[veronica]

My daughter married a good guy about 3 years ago.  From the beginning, she started to separate herself from her mom, dad, and finally brother.  Her in-laws are religious fanatics, my daughter and son-in-law are athiests, yet they spend all their holidays with them in addition to visiting them 100 times more than they visit us.  When the subject comes up, my daughter becomes very defensive and accuses me of causing problems in her life.  I recently cried to her and tried to explain how me and her father feel about her not coming around to see us and only calling us on the phone maybe once a month or twice a month.  We are to the point now where we are barely speaking because she said that since I brought this subject up again, it has set back our relationship 6 months.  Her husband's parents are divorced and therefore she says she has to visit all sides of his family at different times and therefore cannot see us on holidays, etc. and it is not their fault that his parents have divorced.  It makes little sense to me and hurts so very much.  I think about it all the time.  Does anyone else out there have a problem like this?

[Sassy]

Hello Vernoica and welcome.  I think you have come to the right place!

Your daughter sounds like she started to grow in different ways once she got married.  I think that's normal, but I understand you miss her.  The good news is, there's nothing that you wrote that makes it seems like your daughter is trying to hurt you on purpose.  I don't think she wants to cause you pain.  Maybe she feels some guilt that her time is split, and the conversations and crying about her failing you, that make the guilt worse for her, hence the comment about setting things back. 

I think it's so hard not to compare relationships sometimes, especially in families.  One thing I try to keep in mind is to evalaute each relationship as being between me and the other person, and not evaluate our relationship based on their relationship with others.  I realized I can drive myself crazy if I think like that. And it certainly doesn't help my happiness.  There's no value in me thinking like that.  I have to bring it back to what's between me and them.  Because that's all there really is, isn't there.

Your daughter generally calls you every few weeks.  She does visit you, but I don't know how often other than being less than the amount she visits her husband's family.  I don't know how often you call her.  I don't know how often you visit her.  So the other good news for you, is it seems like there is love and communication there, between you two. You can buuild on that.

I know you wish things are different, and that she had more time to see you. I think she's telling you the truth, that the demands on her time are such that she can't fulfil them all.  You've told her you felt hurt about it.  And even though it's her you're hurting over, perhaps she felt like she was being accused of causing your hurt.  That approach didn't have the results you hoped. So maybe it's time for a different approach.  Next time you talk to her, don't do it with the goal of finding out when you will see her next.  I know it's hard! I understand!  But just talk to her about her work, pets, home, whatever subjects she likes to talk about.  Don't ask about when she's visited the inlaws if she doesn't offer.  Tell her some pieces of happy, interesting news about yourself.   Don't complain about her, and try hard not to tell her you miss her. 

I guess I kind of think of it like a friend or even a boyfriend.  If I want to be closer to someone than they want to or can be with me at that time, crying to them isn't the way to get it. It does have the opposite effect.  If they feel my neediness, it doesn't draw them in, it somehow signals something to stay away.  Nothing attracts someone like being busy with other positive things and people.  I wrote on here before about when I want my cats to cuddle me, if I go after them they hide under the bed.  The more I reach, the further back they hide.  But as soon as I read a newspaper or get online, those cats come out looking to see what's going on and if there's a head scratch to be had.

[Pooh]

Welcome Veronica and Sassy's advice was dead on, IMO.   Schedule a cruise for Christmas so you have something to share with her to let her know that you will still have a nice holiday...then go!

[Pen]

Welcome, Veronica! Glad you found us.

If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First on the home page. Your post is fine, we just want everyone to know the policies.

I truly feel your pain. My DS and DIL are with her FOO every day. We too feel as if we've been replaced sometimes, and it hurts like crazy. We've been careful to not bring it up or push them because we're afraid we'll lose out even more. It's not fair, but there it is. DH & I decided to pursue our own hobbies and interests rather than sitting around waiting for DS & DIL to deign to visit. I think we seem more interesting to them now, maybe?

I agree that the emotional thing does not work. When some of our adult children see/hear Mom's scary scary tears they seem to retreat even more. It's weird, I know, to feel like you have to squelch your authentic self just to get a few moments with the child you loved and nurtured all those years, and some of the moms here refuse to do so. Some of us continue to do it because we're not ready to risk losing them just yet.

[luise.volta]

It seems to me that the number one revelation on this Forum is that it isn't going to make sense. We have to stop trying to make sense of the senseless. Your daughter is an adult and is making choices that do not fit your expectations. That's probably the number two thing here...our expectation are ours and no one has to fulfill them, no matter how nice that would be. We can't change others...all we can do is pick up the pieces of ourselves and make a new life around what interests beyond our parenting. It's called healing. Sending love...

[sesamejane]

yes, healing....

[veronica]

Thank you all for your responses, it is comforting to know that we are not alone with this situation as we thought we were.  It was almost embarassing.  Neighbors/friends would always ask me if my daughter was coming for a certain holiday and I always had to say 'no.'  We were good parents, our kids were our center always.  We taught both of our children to be independent, which they are, but never thought our daughter's independence would take her away from us when she grew up. 

Backing up prior to her marriage, there was breaking away ever since she graduated high school.  During college, it got worse.  When she met her future husband, it got worse.  Then during the wedding planning, it topped out.  I just cannot understand why she has this independence with her parents yet with her inlaws it is the opposite.  All that she is and stands for is opposite of what her inlaws are.  As I said before, they are religious fanatics to the extreme, no music, no liquor, no dancing, church is all.  My daughter and soninlaw are complete opposites.  They love to go out and party, they don't believe in God, they are indepedent thinkers.  She told me that her husband's family gives her no problems.  I said 'why should they??  you are always doing what they want, why would they complain.'  She just cannot see our see our view.  I know I have no choice but to move forward w/o her as I would like, but it hurts.

[Pooh]

Seeing you explain more of the IL differences made me think of something.  Maybe because they are so different, their DS feels the need to prove that even though he doesn't believe the same way about things, that he is still a good person?  He may be trying to prove that by hanging out with them all the time, and DD is being loyal to him (which she should).  Maybe he feels his parents are probably disappointed and ashamed of him and by doing what they want, when they want, it makes him feel better about not disappointing them?

You are not condemning their lifestyle, so DD knows she has nothing to prove to you.  You accept her for how she is.  Just a thought.  We seem to see plenty of the "squeaky wheel gets more grease" in our situations.

[luise.volta]

The sooner you part with "I just don't understand" the sooner you will find peace. There is no logic.