Son wanting to quit job

[maxine]

The thing that is worrying me at the moment is not what my son did by quitting his job but they way he did. Also I dont understand the reason he took such drastic action. He hasnt fully explained and I have had several reasons related to me, not sure which to bellieve !

well I am not going to knock myself out but sometimes I wish I could get into his head !

[luise.volta]

Don't try to make sense out of the senseless. We all have to learn that to move off of square one. We are right. It's nuts. And we get stuck there. It is our adult children's prerogative to learn by trial and error.

[maxine]

Well I knew this was bound to happen - DS is now beginning to realise that he doesnt know what to do and has begun to pester me.

I have explained that as he managed to make the difficult decision to leave a well paid job, he is quite capable to decide what to do next!  I had to refrain from saying " you didnt listen to my advice before so why are you asking me now"

I think he feels he will just walk into another job, so when I told him he will probably have to work as an unpaid intern for 6 months he seemed a little surprised.  I really dont think he is living on the same planet!

Any advice would be welcome on how to handle him, or should I just keep out of his way?

Anyhow thinking of myself now I have just booked a weeks holiday in the sun  - cant wait !!

[luise.volta]

Congrates on the holiday! :-)

I wouldn't handle him. I would say that everything is his to handle.

[FAFE]

I agree with Luise, let him do all the handling.  Let us know where your trip is and maybe we'll all meet you there!!!! 

[sesamejane]

Agreed!

[Pooh]

You did the absolute right thing.  It is his to figure out now!  Great job and I'm so glad you booked a vaca!  Good for you!

[maxine]

As each day goes by I find I have to look for ways to ignore my son's moods. I have tried very hard to be nonchalant when he becomes provocative and definitely won't be drawn in to arguments.

But why do we become so influenced by our offsprings moods. If he is unhappy why should I be unhappy? It is not a situation I like to be in but I am not sure of how to get out of it.

I am sure that we all get stuck in some mode of behaviour and it is just as hard for us to move on as it is for our kids .  Any suggestions?

[pam1]

Maxine, I think it has to do with DS living in the home.  Our homes are supposed to be safe havens so when it is invaded by negativity or roller coaster emotions, we are affected too.  Especially b/c you can't always get away from it. 

[Doe]

But why do we become so influenced by our offsprings moods. If he is unhappy why should I be unhappy? It is not a situation I like to be in but I am not sure of how to get out of it.

One of my sons and I can practically read each others' thoughts.  I think of something and he'll call me with news about it.  You can imagine what it was like when he was still at home.  Once, he just laughed and said, "Mom, get out of my head!"

Does your son know that when he's unhappy you're unhappy?  He may not be aware of that connection you have toward him.   I had to tell my sons that when they were out of the house, I didn't have any trouble sleeping but if they were living at home and were out late, I just couldn't sleep.  They had no idea.

[maxine]

Just a quick update on what is happening at home.   Well the atmosphere (TG) is much more relaxed and DS seems to be a lot happier in himself.  It appears as though he is going to do a 3month music course which is 3 days a week at he is now looking for a part time job.  So I must admit he is not sleeping in til lunchtime as I thought he would do.

With the new house rules, he is responsible for all his washing, cleaning shopping etc. and he is cooking us an evening meal once a week ( which is amazingly quite good)

Hopefully he will get this out of his system and eventually get another full time job but I suppose he has to find his way on his own.

[maxine]

Just to let you know what is happening Chez nous.  DS just started at music college yesterday coming home with a long face and not speaking all evening!  He probably  has found that his course is not for him ( mostly 16-17 year olds).  I am definitely  not saying " I told you so". I believe he is now looking to change to evening classes which is what I suggested weeks ago before he quit his job.  It is so painful to watch them make these mistakes but I suppose that it is the only way he will learn
I believe that he is looking for a part time job as he has had a couple of phone calls and phone interviews.

Should I continue in the same mode by being pleasant but not getting involved ? It is so very hard particularly when you can see they want to have a good moan.

Roll on holiday time, cant wait ! will soon be lying on a beach soaking up the sun  !!

[Ruth]

I just finished a novel by Pearl S Buck, can't think of the title, but it was about Chinese culture, and centered around her relationship with her son and his father's absenteeism.  The idea was fascinating about how mothers must allow their sons to become men.  She (the narrator) struggled to keep silent while her son found his path to manhood.   I would say nothing if I were you.  You are not in the role as his guiding light any more.   He is making the path to manhood, and that means he must feel empowered to make his own decisions and no longer feel he is relying on you for guidance, but the dance of the ages is to continue to do so as his mother without his knowledge at all!   If you could read this old book, it may help you.   My mind runs in first gear while my mouth goes in 5th, so I'll remember the title very shortly and post it.  We women must learn how to let our sons become men.  I think we've done a lot of harm by trying to steer them and insulate them far past the natural time frame.  Jewish boys become men at age 13.  Its something for us to rethink.

[Sassy]

He's 23 and electively not working.  With the new house rules, he has begun to wash his own clothes, clean his own mess, and cook a meal once a week.   At the end of September (now) he was scheduled to begin contributing to the outgoings.  You're paying his rent, buying his food, covering his internet, and heating and cooling him.  I don't know if you're providing a car, car insurance, or cell phone.  I don't know if you're paying his tuition.  I don't know if you're paying his Cobra or Health Insurance. 

The question was about if you should continue not getting involved.   His negative moods affect you negatively, perhaps since the long face is right there in the house.  If you think he seems depressed to the point you want to become more involved, and he has health insurance, then perhaps it would be helpful to suggest he find a professional to talk to.

[Pooh]

Should I continue in the same mode by being pleasant but not getting involved ?

Absolutely!  You are doing great and he needs to figure this out.  If he wants to, he can come to you and ask for advice, but until then, stick to the rules you made and continue on.