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Son wanting to quit job

Started by maxine, August 21, 2011, 07:27:14 AM

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maxine

I  have had a bit of time to question why I have got so upset at my son's actions and why am I losing so much sleep worrying over his future? Is it just guilt that I perhaps wasnt strict enough ? What if  he slips down the slippery slope of drugs drink etc?  Why Cant I just trust him? As I said earlier he has always been difficult and stubborn but bright and a high achiever. Maybe he will get this out of his system but I just get so worried thinking he will just waste away his time.

I am finding it hard to understand also why  he could not have looked for another job before leaving this one, it is so much easier to go from a job and also why he couldnt do his "music" on evenings and weekends.  I lie in bed at night with these questions going around and around my head and lack of sleep makes problems seem magnified.

I wish I had the strength to just say to myself - lay down a few rules then stop nagging, step back and let him get on with it and also perhaps believe in him.  Maybe he feels our dissaproval and he perhaps also feels emasculated.  I try and treat him and talk to him like an adult but when he behaves like a teenager it is difficult.  A lot of the time I cant bear to be in the same room as him because the minute he sees me he puts on this long face.

Am I over-reacting because of tiredness - advice would help thank you ladies.

FAFE

Maxine, go and buy you a new sports convertible and let him do all the worrying.  (Not making light of the situation, but he should be doing that instead of you.  Hopefully, you will see, as some of us have, that it's just flat out up to them and not us.  Until you get there, here's a hug. 

maxine

FAFE you are right. I suppose at that age work/responsibilty/ pensions etc are meaningless.  I dont know about a convertible but I am sure I will think of something equally good 

Doe

Maybe I missed this - does your son have a girlfriend?  Maybe he needs to get... not sure how to put this.
   
After my son got a steady girlfriend then wife, a particular tension went away and he started planning his future with her and I became less tied up with him.     Does that communicate?



Pen

"...a particular tension.."   How Jane Austen of you, lol. Love it!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

maxine

Doe, how perceptive of you. I have been saying that for awhile now.  As it happens he has a "girl friend" ( I say that loosely) staying here at the moment.  Which has helped immensly but I think she is finding it hard to get through to him.  However I have found a distinct improvement in his behaviour when she is around so I can see the difference she is making.  That is why I am trying to not be around so much.
He has always had a problem with friends ( I hate using the word loner) but certainly not a group person and would never follow the herd at school. But he does tend to push people away. So often friends phoned for him to go out and 9/10 times he would refuse, so eventually most of them gave up.  I was so glad when he started working last year and he was up and out every day. He seemed to be getting on fine and even socialising and unfortunately now he is back home and I dread him being in every day. I know I am being selfish but I really want my life back. I am semi retired and have done my bit , this is now like it was when the kids were 15. I have had enough. I am not even talking about the money side of matters.

I would love to to just tell him to go and get on with his life but if I push him out and he has nowhere to go  that would be silly. It would be different if he was on drugs and he had had a couple of warnings. He actually has done nothing wrong except chucked in a perfectly good job.

I sometimes look at him larking about with his friend, laughing and having fun  and then I think OK maybe he is actually starting to really enjoy himself. But he still seems to have this Jekyll and hyde attitude. He is 23 and he shouldnt be here anymore, but maybe that is the problem he is scared of growing up.  I dont know anymore I am far too emotionally involved but how can I get away if he is around all the time.

I know I am not the only person with this problem, I have quite a few friends with sons still at home and they all say they should move out.  But if they are not working there is no way they can afford to.

Thank you for your advice , finding this website has been  such a life saver. It is wonderful to know there are so many supportive mothers out there willing to listen and give their help. I just dont feel so alone anymore.

sesamejane

Maxine,
I had to ask two of my children to find another place to live  My odd, who had a learning difficulty, was quite a difficult teenager and a late-bloomer emotionally.  She was in and out until she was about 23.  It was a process getting her on her feet.  But it dawned on me at some point that the "process" was going to go on and on until I drew a firm boundary with her - "no you can't live here" - and she had to figure things out on her own.  She did some couch surfing for awhile, and then one day, literally, things fell into place for her. She found herself or something, and she has never looked back.  She resented me for a time for drawing the line, but she is able to fend for  herself and pursue her own interests. She loves music and started an "Indy" group, and they even made a CD.  She has a bf now, and they have just started college together that they are paying for by working part time and student loans.

She and I have other issues now that have to do with my ds, but I do not worry about her ability to function in the world.  They find their way if we let them.  After my ds finished college, he came home...and then stayed.  Again, after about 8 months, I said, "time to go" and he did.  He found a job teaching and again put his life together.  Stuff happened years later after he married that are quite tragic - but that is another story.

I know it is hard to exercise "tough love" with our kids, but sometimes it is in their own best interest.  I wouldn't have let me kids starve or anythign like that, but a taste of the real world can be a good teacher and needed reality check.

Good luck with it    :)

Doe

Quote from: Pen on August 27, 2011, 09:45:49 PM
"...a particular tension.."   How Jane Austen of you, lol. Love it!

;D  Yeah, I didn't want to get kicked out of this forum!

Maxine, your son sounds a little like one of mine.  When the actual final departure came,  there was a big blowup (after a lot of build up) and I told him to find somewhere else to live, atypical for us.  It's as if he needed me to force him out.  It was difficult for me but after things resettled, we were able to build our adult-adult relationship. 

I'll bet at some point the solution will present itself to you.  Jump on it when it comes!

maxine

Yes doe, I have a feeling that will happen at one point soon.  Although things have been more relaxed around the house. He is getting the message that he has to help around the house and tomorrow he is actually going to cook dinner for all of us ( thats a 1st !).

We havent quite yet worked out what he is going to pay towards the household expenditure but he does know that if he goes to music college he will either have to get a partime job or delve into his savings.

I will keep you posted when there are developments

Doe

It sounds like you're working this out!

BTW, I heard on the radio that about 46% of  young adults in Europe live at home with their parents.   

herbalescapes

I think you need to tell DS that he has to pay a hefty rent, pay his own music college and fund his own vacations because you have decided to fund your new BFF (herbalescapes) trip around the world.  I'm such a giver, I'm willing to let you send me on such a trip so you truly don't have the money for him and do need his hefty rent to put food on the table.

good luck.

Begonia

Maxine, you said:

Maybe he will get this out of his system but I just get so worried thinking he will just waste away his time.

If there is one thing I have learned about my AC is that they are opportunists.  My son was weaving a crooked path and we said he had to move out (he was in college).  He packed some stuff and left in a huff.  I was worried sick about him and what would happen to him.  My imagination was running rampant with all the horrible things he would do: drugs, get murdered, etc.  I was a wreck.  He would not answer calls, nobody could tell me where he was. 

Later, I found out that he was living just fine on the college campus, moving from one friend's dorm room to another and spending the rest of his time in the computer lab (he's a nerd). While I was thinking he was not capable, and might waste away his time he was having the time of his life.

It was the same story with my daughter.  Parents are the last to find out how capable their adult children are sometimes, because I was still thinking he was my child. 

Here is something funny (now).  One night when he was about 14 my son got very mad at me for something..who knows now what it even was???  He left the house.  It got dark and he didn't come home. He had a dog and the dog would not come inside, he kept pacing and whining.  In the pitch dark I took the flashlight and searched the woods behind our house, calling my son's name, imagining he had been kidnapped or had killed himself (mother drama) The dog kept sitting by our boat that was parked by the garage and would not come with me. After at least three hours of searching and the dog making noises by the boat, I looked up and there my son was, sitting in the boat, quiet as a mouse watching his crazy mother run in circles.   The little....stinker....And the dog was the wisest one of all....

In my experience my AC have been way more capable than I wanted to give them credit for.  And if you set a boundary you might see just how capable he is on his own, figuring out his own life without any help.  In my case I liked having my son around so part of that separation was really my problem as a mom.  Just a few thoughts on this. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

sesamejane

Begonia your post reminded me of something else. 

Let's not forget the influence of our dc's friends!  When I asked my daughter to leave, and worried, etc., she was having a fine time living with different friends and complaining to them about what a terrible person I was.  And of course they completely sympathized with her!! She was eating up the sympathy from them!  She was fine and her friend's were taking great care of her until she finally got her act together.  Maybe that's what happened. They requested that she pay her fair share...  ya think?

maxine

Here is a quick update since my last post.  DS seems much more relaxed and in a better frame of mind. We still dont exactly know what his plans are and if he really is going to music college but feel maybe he does not know himself. So we are giving him the space to think things through.  His GF is staying here at the moment and she seems to being having a good influence on him as I saw she was helping him update his CV.  So at the moment things are running smoother than I thought.

He does know that we are not going to fund him and that come end of september he has to contribute to all our outgoings. I am keeping my fingers crossed that stepping back and not nagging and making decisions for him will focus him on living in the real world and begin to grow up.

Begonia - You are so right we get into this mode of thinking our kids cant cope and actually they are much more capable than we give them credit for.

Hearbalescapes  - What a good idea, where do you fancy going?!!

I will post again when there is more news but in the meantime I am going to concentrate on MYSELF ( an about time too)!!

Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb