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Son wanting to quit job

Started by maxine, August 21, 2011, 07:27:14 am

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Has he had any counseling? You mentioned depression, shyness and low-self-esteem. Does he need some help? Not that he shouldn't be required to pay rent and be responsible, but he may need a little help while he finds his footing. People bloom when they're ready, not necessarily when most of their peers do.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Thanks Pam  & Keys girl. My daughter has thankfully just found a full time job and although she is stilling living at home she does a lot around the house plus food shopping, cooking etc. When she starts her job she is going to pay rent and then if her job looks secure she will want to move out. It is exceptionally tough out there particularly for 18-25yr olds.

Crystal ball you are right and I do want to reclaim my lice. I have done my bit. Draining is a good word, I really do feel that I have been put through a ringer!

Begonia, Thank you for your heartfelt advice. I am sorry that your "children" have not stepped up to the mark and been there for you.Do they have kids of their own? It is said that you only appreciate your parents when you have your own children! Yes we all want to be perfect parents, great role models, devoted and caring etc. but we are only human

Will I have to change the title now?

There is going to be a fun evening ahead!


sorry didnt proof read   meant "life" not "lice!!!!

Not sure now whether to let things sink in for24 hours before our serious chat or strike while the iron is hot . I feel that we should givehim a brief breathing space and more importantly his dad will have to gather his thoughts to be calm rather than hit the roof.

I think my son has lost the plot but maybe he hated the job so much the "music" route is just a convenient way out as he doesnt really know what he wants.  Well this will be a great learning curve for him. He has always been an acheiver and quite driven so maybe something good will come out of this.


I'm sorry, but I cannot imagine anybody quitting a good job in this economy.  Surely he could have worked on his music at night and weekends.  Nashville (and a lots of other places) is full of struggling musicians.  (Don't know what his kind of music is but not everyone is a success story.)  I hope you can make him understand that he is gonna have to "man up" and go forth with whatever he can make out of his new decision.

Hugs to you.


I'm with Sassy - I think he needs to draw his own conclusions.  Young adults especially (we've all been there), simply won't listen to what others have to say about their decisions, learn from otherss mistakes...they have to learn it on their own.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard my little sister say "its MY life, let me make my OWN mistakes!"  That's young person speak for:  I know this probably isn't a good decision, but its what I want to do and I'm an adult so you can't stop me.  My children aren't old enough for me to truly know what this is like, but I have siblings that are much younger than me and I've been through a little of this, and my parents have definitely been through the brunt of it.  You hate to watch them do it, you want to just wrap them in a sweet little bubble....but you can't.

What is that saying....

Give a man a fish and he'll be back for more in an hour.
Teach a man to cast a net and he'll never be hungry. 



Ok, maybe this is another topic, if so please move it. But...I am appalled by the expectations of adult children who still expect Mommy and Daddy to foot the bill. Where did this come from?? I'm not talking about parents who make a freely given offer and children gratefully accept. I'm referring to the "children" who EXPECT and take for granted what their parents have WORKED for and are at an age that any given funds will not be made up. I mean really people. When does it end? DH and I knew we were considered adults and on our own when we got married. We knew not to ask and we didn't go off in a corner and pout about it or write them off.
Our son asked for yet another loan a number of years ago...when he was still talking to us. He wanted $5,000.00. We had no business making the loan, but decided to if we reached a written repayment plan. Result? Cold distance and no...we didn't give them the loan. We are not the Bank of England.
So that's my rant. I feel better anyway ;-}


That's what I did. Set up a payment plan and no more loans unless it was paid in full according to contract. If not, no more loans. As I have said here before...my kids then did that with their kids! :-)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hi Maxine-
I'm on the side of allowing your son to become a man by withdrawing your support. If he needs to be fed and needs a place to sleep, by all means help him out but beyond that, he needs to provide for himself.  By age 23, a person could have had kids, fought wars, started businesses, or done a whole world of things.  It's time for him to jump into the game of life on his own!  (JMHO)


I don't want to hijack this thread, I think its relevant but please move it if I'm out of line I'm so sorry don't mean to be.  Today I got a note from DD that she wants to proceed and close the deal on the business.  I appreciate Luise's advice on setting up a payment schedule and think I should also list myself as default owner if the deal closes.  I feel backed to the wall on this one, if I pull out I am losing an opportunity to redeem myself somewhat as a Mom and over the years I've prayed for opportunities to make restitution to my children in a healthy way for not taking as good care of them as I should have.  Please don't feel the need to soothe, I know myself and my strengths and failures.  But even in spite of this, I'm not emotionally caught up in it.  The fact is that this business is very under priced.  It was never advertised and it is being offered for less than half its worth.  But a little different from you son wanting to leave a rather secure job and go into a romantic career (which there is nothing wrong with if he can budget his life to make it work) DD is leaving a playful froo froo-ie job to go into a demanding workplace.  Her hours will double.  But her income will also more than double if she is conscientious.  However, I just want to do the right thing, a lot is at stake.   DD was raised in this type of business, so she knows the work involved to make it successful, it isn't an idealistic venture and she must get her income up in order to become independent.  I can't ask you ladies to make a call on this for me, as you only can read a few lines and our lives are much more complex than this, as I know you are aware with your son wanting to go into the music business.  I feel a lot of sympathy and ability to understand as you also have son/daughter and I think a similar history as myself.   The only thing I do know, is that after I make the call I'm not going to look back and remonstrate with myself. 


I'm all for redemption, and it sounds as if you are being cautious about your involvement. Good luck to you, I hope it all works out.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Good luck on these tough decisions with adult children and their work.  I usually try to see how my gut feels.  Am I at ease?  Am I in my sound business mind?  How am I sleeping at night?  What would a financial expert outsider say?  Are there other options I have not considered besides either this or that?  Is there a fair compromise that has not occurred to us?  Is there someone who is impartial who would hear our concerns and help with the right way to proceed?  Once the evidence on both sides is collected it is easier to take the emotional ties out of it, IMHO.  But every situation is very different and all we can do is our best approximation of what we hope will succeed. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)


Well as mentioned before DS has now left his job and it is day 2 of him being at home. We have decided that we are going to give him a short while to sort himself out before insisting he moves out or pays rent. But he has to live by the house rules, do his own cleaning, cooking shopping etc and general chores around the house.

Did think that he would revert to a teenager and sleep to midday but must admit that he has not done that yet. He does appear to more relaxed since he left and has said that although in some ways he liked the job he just could not take the pressure of all the exams. So maybe after a few months of rejection in the music  world he will get it out of his system and then look for a job that does not have the pressure of exams. Will let all you kind folks know what happens next but I think that the best way I can deal with this is not to get involved on any level and just step back.


I do hope it works out for you Maxine.  Just please be vigilant about having some boundaries.  Things can drag on and on until a year goes by before you know it.  I'm sure he was having a tough time with the exams, but we all know, every job has stress.  It doesn't matter if you flip hamburgers or are a Doctor, life is full of stress and you have to learn to deal with it.

I think you need to do what you are comfortable with and if sitting back for a little bit and watching to see which direction he takes makes YOU less stressed, then you made the right decision.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


QuoteWe have decided that we are going to give him a short while to sort himself out before insisting he moves out or pays rent. But he has to live by the house rules, do his own cleaning, cooking shopping etc and general chores around the house.

I agree that charging a grown man rent to live somewhere is a great idea. 


And once you define "a short time"...stick to it!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama