Son wanting to quit job

[maxine]

So glad I have found this site. I have messaged Luise direct but thought it a good idea to hear other points of view on this problem. So here goes. I will try and keep this short!
I have a son of 23 who is intending to quit is 3 year contract as a trainee accountant ( he has been there  1year and is doioing very well)  He has suddenly decided to be a singer/ songwrite but has never performed anywhere yet. He does have a small amount of talent but then do so many others out there.
We have sat down and tried to talk this through and other friends and relatives ( a couple in the music industry) have tried to convince him to do the music bit on the weekends and evenings and finish the 2 years to get the qualifications.  I am not sure if this composing is just a cover up for not wanting to grow up and take responsibilty, it is difficult to say.  He tells me that he has been depressed for several years but all I have noticed is that he is sometimes quiet and of low self esteem.

He was away for a 3 years at uni and did very well.Then he went on to look for a job ( which took 9 months) where he had to do many interviews and presentations which I thought was amazing considering he is shy.

We had hoped that he would move out soon but that wont happen now if he is not working. We also suggested that before he quits he finds himself another job  but he now wants to go to full time music college and probably expects us to fund him.  Can any one suggested what I should do.? I feel I should just step back and let him make mistakes and learn that way getting it out of his system. But I know that should he start looking for a job next year he will find it very difficult especially when employers see that he quit his last job. hope somebody has some advice

[Begonia]

Hi Maxine:  I am new here so won't give advice, but I thought you really did a nice job of stating the issue. I have many musical friends who have had similar situations with their children this age.  I know you will get great feedback on this site.  Good luck to you. 

[Keys Girl]

Maxine, it's always interesting when adult children expect their aging parents to fund their "dreams".  I think he's "fishing" looking for that feedback from you and your husband that you'll support him until he wins a Grammy.......even if that means when he's 90.

I would get on the internet, pull up the bios of a dozen successful songwriters and print them up and give them to him.  Make sure you look for the ones who spent their early lives in poverty, Johnny Cash might be one.  My son once told me he wanted to be an actor.  I encouraged him by telling him he needed to go out and get a job as a waiter, because most waiters are starting artists.

Don't try to convince him of anything, he won't be convinced.  Give him 3 months notice, and tell him that you have rented out his room because with this struggling economy you need to do whatever you can to make ends meet.  Put an ad in the local internet newspaper and bring people in to look at his room so he knows that your aren't joking.  Alternatively you could sell the house, downgrade a place for you and your DH, but not large enough for him.  Hoping that he'll move out won't bring any results that you want, forcing him to stand on his own two feet and move out will. 

My generation learned the basics: If you quit your job, you won't be able to pay the rent and buy groceries, baby formula and diapers.  Jobs are hard to come by these days.  Give him some food stamps and the promise that you'll be clapping in the audience when he thanks his parents for sending him of to fulfill his dreams and give him some new material for his songs.

I can't think of one Top 10 hits that stars out with "I live with my parents, I've got it good, I don't have to worry, even though I should".

If he's been depressed, there is help for that.  Not having a job and a framework would likely bring on more depression.  Wayne Dwyer said "Be miserable or do something about it, the choice is yours".

Good luck.

[pam1]

Welcome Maxine

Please read the Forum Agreement in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so, not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Since he is hinting/implying that he'll just stay with you until he makes it big I think now is the time to give him the time line for when you expect him to be living on his own.  His choices are his own and so is the responsibility.  You did a good job Mom, it's his turn.

[maxine]

Thanks for all the good advice. We have had talks about him moving out and were prepard to initially help him with his rent for about three months assuming that he would pay all the other expenses - food, elec , taxes etc.  now his  argument is that he wont be able to afford to live out if he is not earning.  He now informs us that he wants to go to music college full time ! so if he has the money for that in his savings he could afford to  move out , try and get another job and study at night school.  It wont be easy  getting another job as so many people especially of his age are on benefits.

We have a daughter of 25 yrs also living at home but she has not had a proper full time job for nearly 2 years so I get the childish reply from my son of "its not fair, she is still living at home"

I had thought of suggesting 3 months allowed to live at home in return for 3 months volunteering in south america or africa. I think he would return a changed person after seeing what it is like in the real world.  What do you think ?

[pam1]

I hope he takes you up on your offer!  That sounds awesome to me. 

Is your daughter having a tough time finding a job?  Just curious, I know it's rough out there now.

[luise.volta]

Welcome - I think it is hard for most of us to let our adult "kids" go and watch them flounder and at times fail because of poor choices. And yet, that's the plan; raise 'em and turn 'em loose. Easy but not simple. If we don't set limits, we prolong the parent/child dynamic after it should have shifted to mutual responsibility and respect...and it becomes unhealthy and even harder to release. Sending love...

[Keys Girl]

I had thought of suggesting 3 months allowed to live at home in return for 3 months volunteering in south america or africa. I think he would return a changed person after seeing what it is like in the real world. What do you think ?

I don't agree that he will return a changed person, I think it's just another way to prolong him standing on his feet if you are going to fund that.  If he wants to go to South America, he should go and fund it himself.

As for the remarks about your daughter, since I assume that neither one of them is doing anything except whatever they want to actually contribute to the household, I would set up a set of chores, cutting the grass, painting the house, cleaning carpets, etc. etc.  You daughter could also run errands for a fee, do laundry, set up kid's birthday parties, etc. etc.

I would also promise their services to my friends and neighbours as as type of "sweat equity" since they aren't contributing financially to the household (until they move to their own place). 

Time for you to stop worrying about them and their future, that's their responsibility and if you stop picking up the tab for them, you'll have a few $$ for yourself!

[CrystalBall]

Well, we are living now in a society that emphasizes "following your dream", however unlikely and impractical this dream is.  So, it is time for you to pursue your dream of a self supporting son where you are funding no more education for a 23 year old!  Why are only youth allowed dreams?   You should let your son know of your dream that he function as an independent man and how depressed you will be paying for another direction career wise in his life. 
Truly, I can see you are a caring, kind hearted Mom and have done enough.  Try not to think that if he can't pursue his dream on your dime, you are responsible for any sort of sadness he has.  Please think of your own entitlement to peace.

I think of a friend of mine who recently mentioned that her parents lived their own lives with all three of their children married by age 21 and had absolutely no demands whereas the current generation of parents are often caught with adult children living like perpetual adolescents, draining them financially and emotionally.

[Begonia]

I really agree wholeheartedly with those who say that funding anything more will only prolong his independence.  I mentioned on another post that Dr. Phil (like him or not) says we teach people how to treat us. 

I was always there to pick up the pieces for my kids and they were always having financial difficulties, daughter even went through bankruptcy, husband lost job, etc.  I have "gifted" them some money even if I am a single senior citizen living on ONE income (both my children are married and everyone works). Sad part is, they never had to ask, which they can use against me now.  Beware of this!!

I think it is much like an addict needing more and more.  Unbeknownst to me at the time I was teaching my very adult children that I would always be there with some $$.  One Christmas there was not even a card from any of them.  I was snowbound and all by myself.  Neither even called me.  And as broke as my daughter said she was there has always been money for her nails and her cigarettes and her $4 espressos.

Now I am in this mess where they are shunning me because I stopped the gifts and listening to the whining.  So I say nip it in the bud now, as it will not, repeat not, get better.  You will do both your children a favor by being firm.  Our children are smart enough to know that work is HARD and home is easy--after all, they have watched our struggles and they do not want that life.  In many instances we have tried to protect them from living our hard lives and it usually backfires leaving us to pour our hearts out to each other on blogs like this wondering where we went wrong loving them so much.  I am very guilty of that and I realize now it was my own need to try to insulate them from a hard life.  Silly me.   Lily Tomlin said, "We are all in this alone."  I always smile when I think of that. 

Oprah has a saying "We all have to walk through the fire, going around it will not solve the problems."  The greatest peace I will have is knowing that my children can make it on their own without me. I am striving for adult to adult communication now, not having these teenage behaviors from 40-something children.  Amen and hugs to you...keep being strong!! 

[Ruth]

I agree very much with Keys Girl.  We must stop parenting our kids from the standpoint of fear/guilt.  It isn't in their ultimate good and although we may not be popular with them for a time, in the long run that's our job as parents.  We seem to be so needy and desperate for our children's approval and devotion.  I don't think my parents ever saw it that way.  They said jump, we said how high.  Not defending that, but there's too much enmeshment in this generation of parents.  We need to detach and send them on to live their lives.  They smell fear and it is a killer. 

[Pooh]

Welcome Maxine.  I agree with everyone and although I think it's wonderful that you are having sitdowns with him, I think you are going to have to actually outline what you are willing to do.  You said you would fund him for 3 months if he moved out, so maybe tell him the money you were going to spend on that, is now his room and board for the next three months if he quits and wants to pursue the music career.  He has 3 months to find some work in that industry and find his own place.  After that, you will no longer fund him even if that means he has to take another job and do the music career on weekends.  If he wants to pursue a music degree, then he needs to apply for student loans and move into a dorm.  He will be responsible for paying them back, not you. 

I do kind of understand where he is feeling slighted that daughter gets to live there and he is getting the talks.  It would be very hard to know that my Mother told me I needed to move out but my sibling could stay?  Since you didn't explain your DDs situation, there may be more to that story than we know.  I'm not saying that he shouldn't move out, but sounds like DD needs the same rules. 

It sounds like you have been a very good Mother, but they need to learn to pay their own way and pursue their dreams without trying to make them your dreams.  Set some boundaries you can live with.

[SusieQ123]

Hi Maxine,

It seems like this is very common these days.  When my son was 18 he dropped out of college and quit his part time job.  One Friday he got very angry at me for nagging and he put all his clothes in his car and went to live with his friend and his friend's dad.  F's dd called me and said ds could stay there until Sunday evening, then he had to go (wise man).  I was not going to allow him to come home until he got a job.  He came home that day, but on the way home he got his old job back.  He was younger than your son, but he had to learn that freeloading was not an option.

Recently (when he was complaining about my mothering) he mentioned that I wasn't very understanding when he was down and out without a good job after hs.  I said it didn't seem like he was down and out because he was sleeping till noon, partying at night and not looking very hard for a job. 

I think it's great when people want to follow their dreams, but they need to be responsible for themselves too if they're over 21.  I'm an artist and I'm following my dream and working hard to one day support myself with my work.  One reason I have a chance is that I recently wrote a book about my art through an established publisher.  If it wasn't for that I probably wouldn't even consider it.  I have a full-time day job and I pretty much work non-stop.

It would be a good idea to have him talk to some local musicians because in every small and large city there are many extremely talented people who have day jobs and play the local bar circuit on the weekends.  He needs someone to tell him the truth.  It's a hard life.

Good luck.  I think this is the hardest part of being a parent.

[sesamejane]

Gosh how we get ourselves into these pickles!! Really.  It starts quite innocently and before you know it, you have a mess on your hands.  I sure know about that - making messes.  But truth is, that is the point of parenting right?  Growing people who are able to take care of themselves.  I realize the economy is bad, but even so, struggle is very motivating especially for young people.  As folks get older, and more set in their ways, or more addicted to bad habits, life gets a lot harder.  Better for the kids to suffer the struggle when they are young then when they are older.

I mean they have to fly from the nest sometime, right?  And if they don't, sometimes a little push helps.

[Sassy]

My suggestion is instead of sitting down a 23 year old man and telling him his dream of career in music is a bad idea, or planning his trips overseas for him, you allow him to come to his own conclusions.  That also includes his conclusions of how much rent he is going to pay, what utilties he wants to purchase (such as cell phones, cable TV and internet) and so forth. 

He won't be able to quit working when his rent is actually due, instead of being paid for him.   Supporting a grown man who is not in a college program at this age, is enabling him to become self-indulgent at the cost of being self-supportive.  In other words, his isn't being done any favors anymore.  30 or 60 days notice that it's time to move out sounds like a wonderful gift.