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Credit to my DIL

Started by 2chickiebaby, December 27, 2009, 06:14:18 pm

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greeneyes100

if you have raised a narcissis like I have you have to save yourself. They honestly have no care for anyone but themselves. But until we accept was is we can not change, they will never change, we have to change our own thinking.

greeneyes100

I do not believe children should stay with anyone who has a drinking problem. I also dont think your DIL is taking the child off you I believe she probably would want her mother to be like you and is trying to have some sort of relationship with her.  I dont think she is thinking of you at all she probably is just wanting her mothers love.  I dont believe she is punishing you, have you had a talk to her about your feelings?

2chickiebaby

I have found that trying to talk to them doesn't work...they only become more entrenched in their thinking.  Plus, if we try to show our side, our hearts to them, they take it as being needy and passive agressive and trying to control them or whatever else the new jargon of the day is. 

greeneyes100

All I can think of Anna is to be grateful for the times you do see them

greeneyes100

I am refusing to be blackmailed by my D and SIL.

mom2

Anna,

My dil ( with sons approval, of course ) chose to use my little Grandson as a tool against me too.. I am not kidding.. I would cry myself to sleep and thought I would die. I finally decided that I could not allow them to destroy my whole life so gradually I began to heal.
It still hurts me but I no longer grieve.  I think, more than anything, I am amazed that all this happened to us ( I have still never figured that out ).

After yrs. of blaming dil ( which she was at fault too ) I started to realize that the real guilty one was our son b/c he not only allowed his wife to treat us like she did.. he helped her !!! He used to threaten me that he wouldn't come over and I couldn't see our little grandson and so on and so forth.

I know I am on this forum pouring my heart out BUT I really have came to accept that I was not as important to son as I once thought I was and DIL does not want me in their lives and lastly, I will never know my grandson like I wanted to but I guess life isn't fair. I agree with greeneyes, I believe in what we give is what we get and they will ( sadly ) have to face what I have already been through... I feel so sad for them. ( they have a son who will have a wife someday ).

Chickie,
I know what you mean about money  .. these kids now days will sell out for money in a heartbeat and throw love out the door.

2chickiebaby

I have decided to try hard to not TRY so hard to fit into their lives.  I have tried everything.  As long as they have movies like, "Monster in Law" that perpetuates the stereotype of us, it's hopeless. 

Sites on line devoted to the hatred of MILs make it doubly impossible for us to get anywhere in their lives.  It's utterly stunning what the girls say about their MILs.  The main thing is that when their DH says 'his family' and is including his Mom and Dad, they take that as a threat against them.  They are the only family he is supposed to have.  We are considered, "relatives". 

Everything his Mother says is wrong...everything. Maybe some things are but EVERYTHING?

I remember when Luise put this site up and she and I were the only members but now we have 160 or so members.  This site started on Mothers Day of this year. So, we're getting our words out there.  We will surpass the hate sites, I'm sure of it.  Love always wins in the end.  Maybe they will make a movie about the 'Other Side', who knows?

I don't think our sons hate us, how could they? Why should they?  The difference is the whispering in our son's ear all the time about how bad we are. How in the world can you resist hearing for the first time how bad your Mom is?   Bad?  No, just human.  Wanted a family, how bad could that be? 

greeneyes100

the wheels of time  what goes around comes around

mom2

I think they are the ones who lose out, if they lose us.

Anna,
I have said the very same thing.. " Who really is the loser in all this ? " 
I would give anything to have my mother back and I do believe Mom is the backbone of the family.. my home was never the same after mom died.
Have you read my post about my brother and what happened with all that ? I know that in the end.. we all lose and I know too that a son will, eventually, resent his wife for this.


Like I said, I know my son is the true one to fault here but, in the beginning he did follow his wifes lead to just toss me out with the trash.


greeneyes100

the only losers are our children and their children. Do not forget that. We may be hurt but in the long term we are not the losers

cremebrulee



Hi isit me...yes, indeed, it certainly does help...these are people who have known me for years...and all of my life...do I have faults, heck yeah...did I contribute to this problem with my DIL...probably so...especially in the beginning, when it started...instead of claming up like a little frightened child...I should have sat down with the both of them right there and discussed the issue with them...

QuoteI don't want to let my guard down anymore either.  But now my BF thinks I need to open myself up MORE to his mother in case she decides to have a relationship.  I don't know if I can do that though. Is there a way to show tolerance (real respect isn't possible anymore) without letting down your guard?


I really believe you both need to discuss these wishes your BF wants you to do with your counselor...and please if you woudl, come back and let us know what she/he says...that is, if you want to...

cremebrulee

Quote from: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 08:59:59 am
It's hard to let your guard down when you've been hurt so many times.  But what happens when people accuse you of making things worse by having your guard up in the first place?  It sounds like all of you have tried in the beginning but after being hurt so many times, have had to adopt this position to protect yourself.  There's nothing wrong with that - and maybe it helps to have a little bit of a reality check when someone outside of the situation (creme's co-worker, anna's BIL) notices the bad behavior and says something about it...

I don't want to let my guard down anymore either.  But now my BF thinks I need to open myself up MORE to his mother in case she decides to have a relationship.  I don't know if I can do that though. Is there a way to show tolerance (real respect isn't possible anymore) without letting down your guard?
Quote from: greeneyes100 on January 03, 2010, 05:08:16 am
the only losers are our children and their children. Do not forget that. We may be hurt but in the long term we are not the losers


Your absolutely right...and any person who claims to be a counselor would advise this, and not promote hate...contempt, or the desire to hit back or retrubution...yanno, this is exactly the way wars are started....

cremebrulee

January 03, 2010, 05:18:51 am #87 Last Edit: January 03, 2010, 05:29:21 am by cremebrulee
Quote from: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 08:59:59 am
It's hard to let your guard down when you've been hurt so many times.  But what happens when people accuse you of making things worse by having your guard up in the first place?  It sounds like all of you have tried in the beginning but after being hurt so many times, have had to adopt this position to protect yourself.  There's nothing wrong with that - and maybe it helps to have a little bit of a reality check when someone outside of the situation (creme's co-worker, anna's BIL) notices the bad behavior and says something about it...

I don't want to let my guard down anymore either.  But now my BF thinks I need to open myself up MORE to his mother in case she decides to have a relationship.  I don't know if I can do that though. Is there a way to show tolerance (real respect isn't possible anymore) without letting down your guard?
Quote from: mom2 on January 03, 2010, 05:05:27 am
I think they are the ones who lose out, if they lose us.

Anna,
I have said the very same thing.. " Who really is the loser in all this ? " 
I would give anything to have my mother back and I do believe Mom is the backbone of the family.. my home was never the same after mom died.
Have you read my post about my brother and what happened with all that ? I know that in the end.. we all lose and I know too that a son will, eventually, resent his wife for this.


Like I said, I know my son is the true one to fault here but, in the beginning he did follow his wifes lead to just toss me out with the trash.




The one time that I tried speaking to my DIL about this very same situation...I said to her, can you imagine how much this is hurting DS?  She became livid and yelled, "It's not about him, it's about you and me"?????  Can you imagine her not being able to see even that far?  She didn't care about his feelings, what she cared about was to continue this war...which is within herself...sad...

Have any of you noticed the same thing?  They don't seem to care about the feelings of they're husbands, it's all about winning...not feelings and the hurts that have occurred....and some of them, the extreme cases, even use they're children to continue this war? 

They all seem to follow they're wives...if they didn't there would be yelling and screaming...I don't know if you read my post, which explained...I have a 62 year old friend, who just divorced his wife a year ago...he was living this kind of life, for all of his life, until his kids grew up and left home...she estranged him from his mother and immediate family....I asked him why he allowed it...he said, to keep peace, he knew if he didn't follow her lead, he wouldn't be able to sleep at night and she would go onand on about it for months...and he didn't want his children to hear it...or be broght up in a home where there was yelling and screaming...have you ever noticed, that these men, who are living this kind of life, work all they can?  Why?  Yes, for the money, but also, to get away from it...they can't fight her, b/c they won't win!  When I started sharing stories with my male friend, he told me, your DIL sounds exactly like my wife...exactly, and how many of our DIL's are the same.  It is a pattern...like a spouce who indulges in excessive abusive, alcholol or is untrue to they're spouces...What our DIL's or your MIL's are actually doing, is a kind of infidelity to they're loved ones, it is a very selfish and unhealthy way to live...and many times...even thoughit's my son living it...and I do worry abouthim...I say, thank God I'm not living like that...and thank God, I'm not around her...