Credit to my DIL

[RedRose]

I think that if isitme and her BF do get married her future MIL will one day adore isitme and show her how much she loves her.  She will want to start over and make it right between them.

Hopefully

[2chickiebaby]

RedRose,
I think so too!!!  She will adore Isitme.....

[2chickiebaby]

Isitme....just a little background of when son and DIL were going to get married after the first call off by son. She agreed to counseling with a counselor who I know and have for years.

Son told me this: (OH!!, wish he hadn't)  DIL told the counselor that she didn't like me. 

The counselor said, "oh, that's normal"  Really? Not like me?  Are you freakin kidding me?  You know me, counselor.   I know you too and I know what kind of family you have.  I am not going to go around telling people, though. 

I've never felt the same about that counselor since.  She knows us and knows us well.  She knows what kind of people we are and to say that, is way beyond the bounds of what's right. 

She also told one of our son's friends who got a divorce about our friends: "Oh, I know that family and they are totally dysfunctional".  Again, really?  Them?  No, their kids come home to see them and yours don't.  (sorry, it just makes me mad!)  They don't know everything but they think they do.

[mom2]

Chickie,
How great is that !!!
You are right.. there isn't a heart that can't be touched. I sure hope things move forward for you.

[2chickiebaby]

I absolutely agree, Mom....I have high hopes but not false hopes.  I will continue to do what I did and sometimes I'll fail miserably but I'll sure try.

[cremebrulee]

Chickie, I hope your relationship with her continues to bloom and nothing but good happens in the future...you deserve it.....
hugs
Creme

[2chickiebaby]

I hope it continutes too, Creme....I have no way of knowing the future and today I woke up with less faith that it would.....I get weak and afraid....but thank you!

[isitme?]

Thanks for the comments ladies.  I don't know how optimistic I feel about my FMIL ever coming to really love me if we get married - I'm a little worried that things will only continue to get worse because then we really will be connected by a family bond.  But I'm willing to hope that things can improve.  Let's see how our counseling goes.  Chickie - it sounds like the counselor you had was very unprofessional.  Your son shouldn't have told you anything that was said during his sessions and if the counselor knew you personally, they probably weren't in an objective position to handle the situation.  Then again, I don't know what really happened.  I'm hoping that counseling will help us to figure things out - not start blaming anyone or saying negative things but to work out the reality of the situation.

I really hope things continue to go well with your and your DIL though.  I wish my FMIL was more open to insight the way you have been.  You've actually tried and have gotten a positive result back.  I"m not as hopeful in my case, but let's see...  good luck!

[2chickiebaby]

Isitme....the counselor is unprofessional.  I can't believe that in 2 incidences she said what she said.  She shouldn't have taken either case because she knows both of us.

I don't understand why she did. 

Hang in there, Isitme....please!!

[isitme?]

You're absolutely right - unprofessional is the word for it.  I don't know why she did that either... she should have refused and then given your son a referral to someone else...

Well, hopefully our counselor is more professional - she doesn't know either of us at all so that's a start.  so far we've had one joint beginning session and then each of us had an individual session.  Our next joint session is tonight - I'm interested to see what she will say after speaking to each of us individually..  I"m trying to hang in there, I really am... but if this is an abusive situation, I'm not sure what I can do. 

[2chickiebaby]

I think it's so good that you're exploring all the potential problems, Isitme....so good.  None of us knew to do that in our day.

It's hard for me to see your situation with your FMIL as abusive because I see it from my side.  I'm sure it is but knowing me and the other people I know in person, it seems like she is just needy or insecure.  Needing more attention than you're able to give? 

Views of everything has changed so much these days.  It's almost like everything is dissected and analyzed but I don't blame you.  Life is too hard anyway so you need to make it as easy as possible. 

[isitme?]

Thanks chickie,
I'm doing my best.  I know sometimes things seem different from how they were before... but at the end of the day, we are all people and how different is that?  At first I thought the same as you - maybe this woman was just sad that her son was grown up and needed more attention.  As time went on and I interacted with her more and witnessed her son interact with her, I began to think there was more to it than that and just being nice wasn't going to help.  If she was just somewhat needy or insecure but overall a healthy person, she would not have acted in the way she did.  That's not the kind of behavior that someone who is healthy would show..

I don't want to label this situation as abusive myself because I feel I am too close to the situation to be objective.  But many of the women on this forum have pointed this out and our counselor suggested it as well.. i"m going to see what she says to us both today..

The way you describe your DIL and how many others have described theirs, also sounds like abusive personalities.... but none of us can say.. we can only try to help each other here...but in terms of what is really wrong with these toxic people - that is for the professionals to determine.... I"m hoping for the best...

[2chickiebaby]

I understand....hoping for the best!!!

[2chickiebaby]

I can't help but wonder what kind of nut I'd be labeled??  I hope not.  My heart is pure. 

[isitme?]

We're all a little bit nutty in our own way - that's what makes us human!  None of us are perfect - we all make mistakes and are capable of behaving badly from time to time..  the thing is you have to be willing to acknowledge this.  If someone tells you you have done something wrong, even if you don't agree, you should be willing to think about it.  I think you have done that from what I've seen...

People with personality disorders can NEVER acknowledge they have done something wrong.  The problem is always with other people, never with them.  They have no insight into their own behaviors and just blame everyone around them.  Maybe this is because of their extreme insecurity... maybe it's because they are out of touch with reality... I don't really know but I've been doing a lot of reading on personality disorders lately.  What I've read fits my FMIL to a T.  But I'm hoping I'm wrong...  That's what the counselor is for - to give us an outside and professional perspective on this.

I remember a while ago I recommended a book called Emotional Vampires.  I still think you might enjoy reading it if you get a chance.  I'd like to know what you think about it..