Credit to my DIL

[isitme?]

2chickiebaby, that's admirable.  That shows REAL genuine love on your part.  It's true, sometimes you get what you receive and maybe in some cases by showing love, you get it back.   But do you feel like expressing this love to your DIL was letting your guard down in anyway?  Because that's how I would feel about my FMIL. 

I don't know if the same thing will work with my FMIL.  I don't think she understands what real "love" is.  To me, love is acceptance.  To her, I think love is control.  I feel bad because maybe this woman has never experienced real love in her life.   What she is demanding of me however, is not really love but submission - what she calls respect.  I don't think anyone wins in this scenario.  It will cause me to lose even more faith and respect in my BF for forcing me in this situation, I may keep quiet in order to show "token" respect but in my heart I would have nothing but contempt for a family that chooses this over real love and acceptance.  I don't want to live with this hate in my heart though.  I think MILs are better at learning how to let go of the hate. 

[2chickiebaby]

Yes, Isitme, my guard was totally down. She could have trampled on me if she wanted to. I decided it let her do what she wanted to do to me.  She had nothing to do, though, there was nothing to do anything with. 

I was my funny self with the kids and they cracked up and although I didn't look at her to see if it was okay to laugh and cut up with them, I decided to do it anyway.

I gave her no reason to feel any way toward me.  I looked at her with love in my heart and she was almost cute in her way of doing things.  She kind of ordered us around and I obeyed.  What did it hurt me to be ordered around for 2 days? Two days out of many....not bad at all.

Son was so happy...I could see it.  The kids were dolls and loved it all.  She has to have control.  It's okay with me.  I think she was shocked when I hugged her and told her how much I loved being there.  I whispered, "I love you" and she whispered it back. 

[isitme?]

I"m happy for you too chickie!  you deserve that love and I know how hard you have worked to make it happen.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that with my FMIL though.  I just can't open myself up to her in that same way right now.  Maybe it's a power dynamic thing, maybe it's because I don't feel like my BF and I are yet on the same page about how to handle the situation, or maybe it's because I'm just too stubborn..  I don't know.  But I'm glad you had this experience and I hope many more positive ones for you in the future!

[cremebrulee]

Chickie, that is wonderful...absolutely wonderful....

I suppose I'm talking thru my experience when I said, have no expecations...you see, whenever they invited me down to visit them again...I thought, she probably changed and it would slowly get better....but it never did...the moment my son wasn't around, she'd be huffy and snap at me...and talked very little.

Respect has to be earned....but when you first meet someone, you start off with respect...it just comes naturally...but when someone does things to hurt you....like erase email messages...erase phone messages...when they lie about things you did, to justify they're behavior towards you to your son...it is very difficult to trust again...at least for me it is...and that would be with anyone.  To be perfectly honest, if my DIL were a co-worker, we wouldn't be friends...I would avoid her like the plauge.  Root canal would be much more desirable...just kidding...but...this woman has not changed in 12 years...it's never going to happen.    So, as for me, if my DIL would start to change, I would be overjoyed and welcome it and her, but, it would take me a long time to heal and trust...and I would never have expectations...which is a good thing.

[2chickiebaby]

To all of you...I just want to say that I have learned that NO ONE can resist being adored!!  NO ONE can resist being loved.  I could cry too. 

[2chickiebaby]

Creme, my DIL has not changed.  I have!!

[cremebrulee]

Chickie
How would you get her to talk to you?

[2chickiebaby]

I have been so worried since I wrote about my success with DIL that you all would think that I've arrived.  I haven't!!

I imagine there are so many things left to come; I know there are.  Some I won't be prepared for and I know it will kill me emotionally when they happen. 

I just got thru one tiny portion of the season with no incidences!! I am overjoyed.  I have not arrived, though. 

Creme, I didn't try to get her to talk to me.  I never engaged her or tried with her.  I focused on the kids and when I did look at her, I looked at her in love.  I can't explain it.  I let her boss me around and did what she said to do. I know it doesn't make any sense.....

[cremebrulee]

no, it does make sense...it really does...and I do hope it continues forever...maybe as she grows older it will get better?  I hope so...and even if you had arrived...we'd all be so happy for you...believe me!  Hugs

[2chickiebaby]

I am so glad you understand....I didn't mean it was over.

The music for me, is hard to hear and honestly, I get tired of the carols too because they start them so early!!  I realize this is for the retailers but boy! they get old by the time Christmas comes.

Think Spring!!!

[isitme?]

I know you still have worries about the future - but I'm glad you had the experience you did with your DIL and hope this is the start to something better for all of you.

Can I ask?  How did you feel when you let her boss your around?  I know you were focusing on your grandchildren and all the positive things (which is great!).  But how did it feel to know that you were giving in to someone like that?  I ask because the more I think about it, the more I feel I just couldn't respect myself if I let someone who treated me so horribly boss me around.  I believe in respecting my elders and listening them....but in my experience that is usually based on the fact that I am getting a certain level of respect and love back.  I trust those sorts of people.  I have no problems whatsoever with letting someone like that "boss" me around a little bit.  But when someone hurts you so much and then turns around and blames YOU for not doing more and goes off on irrational, crazy sounding rants that rewrite history and reality.....and when you know this is a person who has ruined all her relationships because she mistakes controlling people for love... how can you just give in to someone like that without letting it hurt you more?  I feel like it would just be setting a precedent with my FMIL - to say "go ahead and treat me as you wish.  I will still love you and let you walk all over me."  I can't do that and I don't think it's right.  But I dont' know what the right thing to do is - I'm still trying to figure it out. 

[2chickiebaby]

Isitme.....for me, it's a matter of having a family.  I don't get to be around her all the time.  She confided in us and the other DIL and son, that she has had bouts of severe depression. I was shocked at her telling us this.  That isn't what made the difference, though. It wouldn't have mattered that she opened up to us, what mattered was that I went with a different attitude.

I was determined to make this a good Christmas and a good memory.  She can behave as she wants to....not me. MILs don't have that luxury.  She doesn't realize that I have struggled all my life just to live and survive.  Well, she does because I told her once when she was so sweet to me early on.

I don't feel badly about myself that she bossed me around. She needs that in her life for some reason and actually, she was not as bad about it as she once was.  My attitude was all that mattered.  I have to have a family and I want to belong more than I want my life.  She holds the key.   All DILs hold the key.

I don't want them to look back when I'm gone and have bad memories of me. 

[isitme?]

That's wonderful and I'm so glad for you Chickie.

I just dont' feel the same though - I want a family but more importantly, I want a HEALTHY family.   I dont' know if it is possible to do this by letting my BF's family have all the control though.  BF desperately wants a happy family but I think he's created a fantasy of what his family is like that is very far from the truth.  If I leave him because I can't handle his mom anymore, I don't know if he will ever get that happy family he dreams of 

I understand your point about how MILs often feel that the DILs have all the power (over son, over grandchildren) but I just don't feel that way.  I feel like I have NO power whatsoever.  None.  She is the one with the power because at the end of the day, I would rather leave this relationship then come between her and her son.  She knows this and I think part of her will resist having any relationship with me because she wants to drive me away.  She just might succeed yet.  Then again, I think the main reason we have problems forming a relationship is because she doesn't have a real relationship with anyone - not her husband, not her sons, not her family... no one.  She is just that type of a person who drives everyone away from her.

The best I have been able to do is try not to let her have any power over my emotions - not to let her hurt me or make me feel bad when she says mean things.  But it's still hard.  Especially when I"m told I just need to keep trying.  I feel powerless - like I've tried my best to do right by my BF and his family despite all they've put me through - I tried to accept so much and support so much but at the end of the day I may end up with nothing because everyone just expects me to go along with the dysfunctional ride and I just can't be in a family like that. 

[2chickiebaby]

I'm not for certain what it is she says...do you mind giving me an example?  We're all dysfunctional in some way.  If she says really mean things to you, then I understand it's not worth it.

[2chickiebaby]

Just one thing my MIL did to me....fresh on my mind after all these years!!  They were walking, son and mother in the back yard.  They had their arms around each other....I, desperately wanting to belong! wrapped my arm around his waist too, thinking how great it was to be walking with a family.  His arm around her waist and mine around his.

HOLY MOLY!!!  She said, "don't worry, honey, I'm not going to take him away from you!!!"

I was broken hearted!! I didn't say anything at all but I was crushed.