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Credit to my DIL

Started by 2chickiebaby, December 27, 2009, 06:14:18 pm

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Just wanted to give my DIL credit where it is due.  Although she has caused me and her husband unbelievable and unnecessary hardship, she has allowed us to continue a form of getting together, in tact with her and the Grandkids in spite of it.

It's not what I ever wanted and I envy the people who don't have this, I have to give her credit where it is due.  She has not called our relationship off, which has saved our sanity. 

Actually, if you just let her do what she wants to do, it's okay.  If she wants to give you a day, then, I have chosen to make that day a good one.  I know it means a lot to our son.  It means the world to us.  It could be a lot worse.   I'm getting to where I'm just grateful for what is.....even if it's a little bit.

It's funny what you'll settle for....I had big dreams. 


it's really strange what we'll settle for, isn't it?  I had such high hopes for our family! There was no reason not to. 

I was re-reading your first post where you said your other son was dating a nice girl.  I was wondering how that was going?  I hope this one goes great for you.


Me, too - I hope the new one is a winner for you, Anna!

About the dreams for a large, rollicking, loving family: I had to mourn the death of that dream, just like I've had to mourn the death of the "perfect child" when we realized DD was disabled; the death of childhood/motherhood when DS went off to college and then married; the death of my sense of self when I turned 50 and realized I'd put a lot of time and energy into childrearing and almost none into myself, and knowing I was not likely to find myself doing the amazing things I'd dreamed when I was younger (globetrotting photjournalist, for example, although you never know!) Yeah, I knew better and still made the choices I made.

Maybe that's why this DIL drama hits so hard - I gave my kids my life, my health, my time, etc. etc. and now I'm old and in the way. I knew I'd passed on the glamorous career or whatever, but I never thought as a mom I'd be treated as obsolete.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Sorry! I was going to carry on with the credit to DIL topic and I got sidetracked (I have ADD, if you haven't already guessed.) My DIL was very pleasant on Christmas...if she was just acting, she did a great job ;) DS was so happy! Reason enough, DILs, to put some effort into getting along with your MIL and FIL - if you love your DH, it's worth it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Good Morning Ladies...
Glad to hear all went well for you Chickie...

and yes, isn't it sad, that we have to take what we can get..

because I know so many other Inlaws who get along famously, it's sad.  My DIL has accomplished her reasoning, whatever that is, for not talking to me at all be it...but, she will teach my GD to hate me as well...I can see it already when we talk....haven't seen her now for 3 years...can you imagine, being that angry with someone, that you would want to keep your daughter away from them, just to hurt them? 

Talked to my son and GD via webcam before Christmas, and my DIL walked across the kitchen just to let me know she was there, and would not come over and say hello...? hateful....


Anna, me to, I hope the new one is might really be surprised...and if she is, the other one might just follow never know...she might be really embarrassed or even jealous...that you get along so good luck...will keep you in my prayers....


Quote from: penstamen on December 27, 2009, 10:23:55 pm
Sorry! I was going to carry on with the credit to DIL topic and I got sidetracked (I have ADD, if you haven't already guessed.) My DIL was very pleasant on Christmas...if she was just acting, she did a great job ;) DS was so happy! Reason enough, DILs, to put some effort into getting along with your MIL and FIL - if you love your DH, it's worth it.

Hi There penstamen...
I think everyone would agree...we all get carried away, we hurt, so, please don't feel badly or apologize...big hugs to ya...


Creme, I am so sad that your DIL did that!!  There is no reason whatsoever for her to pile on this hurt towards you by walking across the room like that, which I understand because I've been done the same way!  No reason to pile on! 

The only reason I can see is that she is hell bent on making sure you know she's in charge.  Of course, she's in charge...duh...they all are.  I just don't know any MIL/DIL relationships where it is a good one, like you say.  I'm sure there are some but I don't know who they are!  Judging from the hate sites, I can see it's a rarity.


December 28, 2009, 06:53:59 am #8 Last Edit: December 28, 2009, 07:09:08 am by cremebrulee
Hi Chickie
Personally, I think she did that to let me know, I'm here, but I hate you and I'm not going to come over and say could also be a little guilt...she is so stubborn, she must carry this thing thru...and also, it's been what she's been trying to do ever since the beginning.  In the beginning when this all started...I actually knew what was going on but was in denial...didn't want to believe it...and feared what could happen...she told my son, that I was jealous of her, that she was taking him away from me....but, candidly, I don't believe my son buys that at all...perhaps in the very beginning b/c he didn't want to believe she was creating this, but in his soul of souls, I do believe he knows the truth...he knows me, and knows I'm not needy or clingy...and that I encouraged him to go foreward with his life, travel, experience, join the well as when he told me he was going to propose, I was extactic...

Chickie, she's a very insecure person, with a lot of carry over from her childhood...she wants him all to herself...and by her actions towards me...she definately is jealous of the fact that we were so, she doesn't understand it, b/c her mother was never close to her...perhaps she envies it as well....but, she's probably also, embarrassed...but to a narcissistic admit that she was wrong, is almost a never.  How interferring could I have been anyway, they live a plane ride away...I'm sure she knows I know she was throwing stuff away I sent my in her own mind, she feels, "How could I forgive her?  She couldn't...she either likes you or she does't...there is no inbetween, she doesn't know what allowance or tollerance be nice, even though you don't care for someone...but to hate someone like she hates me, is a actually make up this soap opera tradgity to keep my son and I away from each other is to me, sick...she needs help....and if she doesn't get it, I fear, down the road, her daughter and her will have huge problems....I've read up on narcissists and how they're children relate to them....her controlling, manipulative nature, will some day get the best of her...

My son left the day after Christmas to return to Afghanistan, he is on his way to kubol now...and then onto his base...if something, God forbid, should happen to him...well, I tell you with my whole heart, I don't think I could ever forgive her?  She is the reason he went there...she refuses to get a full time job and wants the best of everything...and he wants so to make her happy....I do believe part of him feels so sorry that she didn't have a great childhood and he's trying to make up for that and of couse, she knows it and takes advantage of him.   Like his friend said, he was always to nice of a guy.  I pray he will be safe, and ask you all to keep him in your prayers.


December 28, 2009, 06:57:17 am #9 Last Edit: December 28, 2009, 07:02:39 am by cremebrulee
oh, and one more thing, one of the young girls I work with knows the whole story...she becomes livid at both my DIL and son, and says, "that so in so, is just looking to make up reasons to keep you away from them...she pretends to my son, to be the the comment I made about my GD being a tom young friend got so angry...and said...she is nuts and your son is buying this...she is just looking for stuff to pin on you..." then she added "and believe me, she can't find much...she must tell him a lot of lies"
She must continue this soap opera tragidy, that I'm the most God awful person...she cannot allow anyone not even herself to know she has ownership in this.  It's all my fault.  And she tells my son that I hate her????????? 

I really believe that most DIL's who act like this come from very dysfunctional homes? 


I have a suggestion...
no matter what good comes from Your DIL, don't let your guard down meaning, never ever have any expectations of them...b/c just when you think everything is going to be fine, she might throw a curve ball at you.  Remember, my DIL pretended to tollerate me in front of her husband.  Say, your having a dinner and you've invited them...don't allow yourself to be crushed if at the last minute they don't show...or if you expect her to call you...don't expect anything of her...ever...b/c when we do that, it hurts when they don't follow thru...and we become once again, upset and depressed....


I won't let my guard down again, ever, Creme. I've had my heart broken too many times before. 

My friend's MIL came into town and we had breakfast together this morning, all three of us. She is very close to my friend.

She told of her other DIL who just now is becoming nicer to her!!!  This is after years and years and years of heartache.  This MIL is lovely and much, much older than I am so I think maybe when they are young, they don't know what they're doing.  (hoping that's it)

Although, my friend, who is also her DIL has always been wonderful to her. 


It's hard to let your guard down when you've been hurt so many times.  But what happens when people accuse you of making things worse by having your guard up in the first place?  It sounds like all of you have tried in the beginning but after being hurt so many times, have had to adopt this position to protect yourself.  There's nothing wrong with that - and maybe it helps to have a little bit of a reality check when someone outside of the situation (creme's co-worker, anna's BIL) notices the bad behavior and says something about it...

I don't want to let my guard down anymore either.  But now my BF thinks I need to open myself up MORE to his mother in case she decides to have a relationship.  I don't know if I can do that though. Is there a way to show tolerance (real respect isn't possible anymore) without letting down your guard?


Quote from: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 08:59:59 am
I don't want to let my guard down anymore either.  But now my BF thinks I need to open myself up MORE to his mother in case she decides to have a relationship. 

That is totally unreasonable.  Totally.


Isitme....I changed in my reaction to her.  She has not changed but I have.  I decided to let whatever happened, happen and whatever said, be said.  I decided to let everything go and focus on her good points. 

Yes, she's hurt me deeply.  I decided for her sake, the GChildren and my son's sake, to let it go and let love shine from my face. It worked a miracle.  She was more relaxed and although nothing was said between us, everything was said by my face!  I wish I could explain it better but I can't.

It was adoration that I decided to have in my face.  I practiced it over and over until I felt it in my heart.  I did adore her.  I do adore her.

I am not an idiot so I know that she might say or do something that wounds me again but I will go back to  loving her and not my usual pattern of hurt and retreat.  I was shocked that this helped so much.  Who can resist being loved?