Why do our sons "obey" princess wives?!

[pam1]

Nicelady, I echo Pooh's "bravo!"  Good on you for acknowledging your perspective is playing a role. 

I understand what you mean.  Sometimes reading MILs stories I'm reminded of when a good girl friend gets a new boyfriend and they fall in love and girl friend totally forgets about her
other girl friends for awhile.

Did you guys ever have that happen?  It's happened to me a lot and I think it's just one of those things.  Young couples get so caught up in each other and new love, it's exciting and all
consuming.  Kind of like a drug, they're in a fog and fair/equal or even consideration towards others is put on the wayside for awhile.  But when that fog is lifted, all of sudden their
stomping around for their old friends...lol

I think some of the paternal MILs are getting sort of caught in this fog.  Maybe the trick is to ride it out and let them come to you when you're ready.  When I think of my girl friends in the
love fog, I doubt they'd seek me out when the fog has lifted if I had called too much and bothered her. 

Just a thought

[Pooh]

That's a good point pam and understandable.  I think that would be easy to swallow for many, even me,  if they had "forgotten" everyone.  I remember the love fog and doing that to people but the entire world disappeared.  We ignored everyone...Lol. 

[pam1]

Yeah, but I'm thinking a girl would naturally turn to her mother when she is in love and a boy wouldn't?  At least, that's what I've seen and experienced. 

[Pooh]

I'm sure they would.  I still expect most daughters to be closer to their FOO anyway.  I think that's actually just reality.

[nicelady]

Hi all, thankyou for your support.

Oh yes I know where I 'fall down', my entire 'mothering' has been about 'family' and how important it is, coming from a family where  love/affection was never displayed ,brothers met dils and we never saw them,I witnessed my own mum,and I to left, it's only now I begin to understand why my mum acted as she did, but thats to long a story now.
It's my own 'inner' child of abandonment,I get that.
I understand that 'my fear' is repeating itself, as that's how I feel, the same 'emptiness of abandonment' I felt as a child.They say 'history repeats'.

Why it's so hard is ds lives at gf foo house and spends every momment there, am I envious ,yes of course I am,especially when gf mum interfered in enabling my ds, and 'took over' our parenting role.GF/gf mum 'planted seeds' into ds head, yes he is an adult, but ds is easily influenced,always has been.A 'people pleaser' .

When ds was coming around,he told us this, we talked about it,and we feel this gf mum' overstepped the 'boundary',none of us parent the same,each parent has 'their way', but I can say without fear or favour, never ever would I overstep the 'boundary'.It's not my place to say another parent is 'wrong n I'm right' or vise /versa, I say we parent differently, and as such if how they choose to parent is upto them, but I'd appreciate this gf mum stepping out of our parenting.
Of course I'm willing to listen to constructive critisism, anyway I can improve, I'm willing to learn.

On advice given to us,My dh went to speak with gf df & dm ,df was polite, didn't really say much, but dm was very vocal in her assumption of our family, as ds had also 'spun a web', of not 'quite the truth', took off the 'sharp points',played the 'victim', again a long story,but from the onset of how gf dm affronted my dh, 'waving arms in air',it appeared not 'adult like' or even respectful.
T o explain the whole story begin to end  would take a long time, and I have spoken with various  people to try and comprehend, and people who know me ,know I tell the truth, not 'my truth' but the truth what was stated from both sides, I also keep a journal, as I grew up with 'lies/deciet', and was led to beleive 'things were in my mind',they weren't as I later found out through 'other family members',this is why it's important for me to teach my ds to be mindful of when telling others his 'side',that he tells the 'whole truth'.

We do know ds, and we do know gf demanded ds be at her beck n call 24/7,yes the 'fog' I also understand that, trying to understand some gf/fdils, though are not satisfied with 24/7, gf has her foo,and our ds.

One of the things gf mum stated to dh when he went o speak with them july 2010,  was prior xmas 2009,  that was 1st year ds left,wasn't good for us,  every year as we had done since ds could write, they had to give us xmas list, we asked for his , for 2 months which he didn't give us, so instead I got little bit's n bobs' & brought a beautiful card to 'our son' with lovely verse, in it .I wrote, this xmas is different to others, however when you decide what you would like we can go on a huge spending spree, just let us know, ended with 'all the tea in china all the stars in the sky' thats how much you are loved, never forget it,which we had always written in there cards since little.
Ds cried when he read it,and said he would let us know.
GF mum berated dh for this, stating ,no child wants to go 'shopping' with their parents, dh tried to explain that we understand that but he could go shopping by himself to look then tell us what he would like , bear in mind my ds went shopping every week with gf,& gf mum,and just recently gf mum went overseas with her ds on shopping trip, am I missing something here, or does this sound like 'double standard',sightly hypocritical, cos I'm sure wondering why, is it ok for gf/gf mum and yet we are told we are wrong,for wanting same.

I apologise if sometimes I go a little overboard ,I cannot always articulate in writing as when I'm speaking 'face to face', that always appears easier  for me.

As the months draw closer and holiday times are coming, I'm dreading it,I'm going to try to be 'humble' although it's hard for me, & knowing gf/gf mum 'demand' he be there, if he states he will visit, which will be a positive, how do I handle it if he says I can only give you 2hrs,either xmas or boxing day, as have to be with gf & foo, I'm thinking how stressful it will be knowing we have to 'give in' to whats been allocated to us by, gf/gf mum. I 've always maintained to include/share holidays with OS gf/foo,and would love to do same with younger ds, but I can't fight, I'm tired.

I've considered  saying ,well thats not really acceptable, but I'm at a loss to know what to say or do, any suggestions, please.

It's fathers day here on sunday, havn't heard from ds, so not sure if he will even visit, dh, he hasn't experienced this sort of pain before, and he is struggling to, although I have some kind of 'experience' from my childhood,I hope for dh sake, ds remembers ,those good times with dad.
peace love hope & prayers to all 

[luise.volta]

We just have to stop trying to understand it and stop getting stuck in expectations. My husband didn't even get a card from his son on Father's Day and they live an hour from here. And on his 100th birthday next month, they are going to be away on a trip.

[Rose799]

We just have to stop trying to understand it and stop getting stuck in expectations. My husband didn't even get a card from his son on Father's Day and they live an hour from here. And on his 100th birthday next month, they are going to be away on a trip.

I can't answer for ds, but I bet I know of a few hundred "cyber daughters" that would love to be there to help celebrate Val's 100th!  Love you, Luise

[Pen]

I'm having a hard time with this. I think it's sad when our "white hairs," which is a name of respect in some cultures, aren't honored.

How did we miss teaching our kids about this stuff? What happens to a society when there are no consequences for those who only think of themselves?

I guess I'm having a rough day; too much selfishness & impoliteness (outright anger, actually) directed at me today in the workplace. I've had it; hope there's a calorie or two left for a glass of wine, lol. And sign me up for the birthday party! I'd love to be there!

[luise.volta]

Sending lots of love, Pen. There are days that take us down...we all have them. I love you.

[Pen]

And me you...you're a treasure, L.

[nicelady]

Agh yes the expectations, it is hard to realise those and 'drop them' or put them to the side.

Some of my expectations, were a compromise, and an agreed upon, time/date etc, with ds, but then changed, without ds advising us,'plan changes', bc gf, demanded he be with her, fine, I can accept, a 'change' ,but to ignore  us when things were already in place,by a 'no show' not even a txt, at least that would be courteous.
I feel when something is agreed upon, then it's not an unrealistic expectation, but when the 'agreed upon' is not followed through then that expectation is 'violated',and thats what causes the inner turmoil.
He lives with gf foo 10 min drive away.

I' m sending you birthday wishes to pass on, from a 'newbie'.
That's a huge milestone,and a pity ds  does not or choose to see or acknowledge that.

'pen'
yes the cultures that 'respect' the 'white hairs', as I beleive they say 'honour thy family'.
I believe I was teaching my DS that, well I at least got it 50% right, OS is proof of that,but in saying that younger ds was like that to up until new gf.
He even had our family name tattoed on his arm along with 'loyalty respect' and 'you get what you give', not that I condone or agreed to these 'tattoos',  but it was not another 'battle' I chose to engage in with him  ,it's his life and choice,just somewhere he's forgotten what they mean.

I have often discussed this with friends about the me society and impoliteness that appears around, yes I agree it's an 'anger' that is displayed, and I'm unable to comprehend that sort of mindset.
I'm a believer, and tried to teach my ds's .do unto others' etc', and treat others as you want to be treated, treat girls with utmost respect,do not use them for your own gratitude, etc.

a bit off track but,

YDs 1st gf, mum whom I got along with well, once said to me, your yds is so lovely and puts up with so much from my dd he has so much patience with her, treats her like a queen and she doesn't treat him to well, but ds stood by and took it,we did try and explain to him,that gf had no problems with how well we all treated her for apx year, but,how gf was treating him at this point, was not nice and playing games, up until she well, I'll stop there.
I think what I'm trying to explain is that sometimes, you think you've done the right thing, maybe I went to far in teaching or 'drummed' into him, that you treat girls with much respect, maybe he misinterpreted it to mean ' be a doormat', he deserved the same respect in return.
It's his life, I know but it's hard to stand by and watch.


peace & love and big 100 birthday wishes.

[Begonia]

We just have to stop trying to understand it and stop getting stuck in expectations. My husband didn't even get a card from his son on Father's Day and they live an hour from here. And on his 100th birthday next month, they are going to be away on a trip.

First of all, a very happy 100 young years to your husband!   My mother had terminal cancer and was just recovering from having a kidney removed when we had her 80th birthday...we knew it might be her last.  She had been very good to my DS and DD, even buying a car for my DS when he went to college.  Did he show up for the party?  Nope.  That was a hard one for me to get past at the time.  Now I realize that he just could not face the fact that his GM was not going to be around--it has been very difficult for him to lose her, he just clammed up about it completely and probably has never grieved it.  His way of dealing with sorrow or pain is to withdraw.   

[Pooh]

Nicelady, I think you already know what you need to do.  From your posts, it's obvious you are hurt, worried about him and miss him.  We all do in our situations so that is totally understandable.  What struck me is you take responsibility for your shortcomings and you also state several times that you know that you need to let him go.  You get it...now you have to do it.  You taught him right, you have discussed things with him in regards to his situation and he is still choosing that life.  You did what you could do and now it's on him.

If he says he can give you 2 hours...jump for joy and enjoy every second of it!  Make it a wonderful 2 hours and let things go!  If you do that, he may have a good time and feel relaxed and want to come back for 2 more hours!  If he sees you just worried the whole time and stressing because you are thinking about your limited time, he's going to feel the tension.  Is he making mistakes?  Maybe, but they are his to make and you have done your job.

What is something you can do for yourself today for just 15 minutes?  Baby steps.

[Smilesback@u]

Just want to say I appreciate everyone's heartfelt feelings here; and thank you for giving each other some tenderness.  It makes us stronger.  I am
also grateful for hearing from mothers of sons especially when we go through these feelings and need some comforting.  I agree wholeheartedly
with most everything, esp about how unfulfilled expectations cause upsets.  It isn't so much about the past, but what will we do next.  It is a lot
easier to figure that one out, with help.  Thank you all!  Happy Birthday to Val the Centurion!  (That's sad to not see son acknowledge it).  Sending
love...       

[Doe]

And another Happy Birthday to Val!

FWIW, when my son missed my last birthday, I sent him a funny belated birthday card saying that  I was sorry he had missed it and told him how much fun I had.   He was mortified and came through with some make-up chocolate right away!