Author Topic: Got an email they are getting married  (Read 3751 times)

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sadat46

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2010, 01:20:35 PM »
Thank you Coco.  You all are the BEST!!!!!

I will do everything I can to be there for any of you.  I just don't feel like I can offer advice to anyone until I am stronger, but I do support all of you.  It is so hard to pull together.

cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2010, 01:25:21 PM »
Hey there Sad!  We are in this with you!  I'm not the best advice giver either and have too many problems of my own to be advising.  If that were a prerequisite, none of us would be talking!   ;D ;D ;D

But isn't it nice to have friends?
« Last Edit: February 05, 2010, 01:28:14 PM by cocobars »

Offline Pen

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #17 on: February 05, 2010, 04:02:37 PM »
Sadat, you're in the right place. It seems that we're all so different and yet share similar experiences. The ways we've chosen to deal with them are as varied as we are. There are so many variables, it's hard if not impossible to have a "one size fits all" magic wand that works for everyone's problems. The main thing here seems to me to be support and love. I'm glad you have friends at work as well as family members who love and support you, too.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2010, 09:07:05 PM »
I think love and support can be magic wands. Zappity, zap, zap! What a great e-family we have created in this imperfect world! We share and we care and it comes out looking like advice when it does. It's just a word. So when you feel like it, give us your slant on whatever interests you here.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Marilyn

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2010, 11:07:59 PM »
Sad,I am new also,but have been dealing with my situation a long time. I'm a whole lot better than i use to be,but still have some really bad days.When your children are little they step on your feet,when they are grown they step on your heart.My faith in God has truly helped me thru this,i have been praying so hard in the last couple of weeks for his strength and guidance.And by the grace of God,i stummbled across this web site.He answered my prayers,thru this site.He puts the people we need in our life to help us learn and grow.I had no clue any one else was going thru this kind of hurt and pain.I feel so empowered from just the short time i have joined in on the discussions.Please keep coming here for support.It's so very vital for your emotional well being.You will probably feel much stronger by time the wedding is here.I agree with every one else,that if you don't go to the wedding they will always throw that in your face.Hold your head high.Try really hard to put your feelings aside for that day.It is their day to shine,and you will be proud of yourself for doing the right thing.I did find a really good web site...wikihow...there is an article on gaining control of your emotions,maybe it will be of some help for you.
Sending you Angel hugs

cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2010, 06:29:44 AM »
Hi Mominwaiting!

Isn't it funny how we find these nice places when we need them?  God works in mysterious ways!  When I found this site, I was truly depressed!  I also thought I was the only one experiencing this and had NOT talked to anyone about how hurt I was.  I just happened to stumble across this site trolling the internet for help.  I've been here ever since. I was thinking for so long that there must be something seriously wrong with me.  Maybe I was being too sensitive or something.  It's good to know there are others who understand and are experiencing the same things.

I'm happy you're here...

Oh, and thanks for the website info!  wikihow?  Going to look that up!  Between trips outside with my trusty snow shovel! :)
« Last Edit: February 06, 2010, 06:43:41 AM by cocobars »

Offline Pen

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2010, 08:20:04 AM »
OK, Luise, there IS a magic wand! I love it. This site was a true God send to me, too, Coco. I think I found it through Mom Responds. I was desperate to know what was going on with DIL/DS and my conflicted feelings - glad DS was happy, sad that our family was suddenly yanked apart. I wondered who I was and what my efforts at childrearing had amounted to, and worried that it was inappropriate to feel like there'd been a death in the family. Jealousy and envy reared their monster heads, and I didn't know how to handle those awful emotions. When I started reading the posts by other broken-hearted MILs (& now an FIL!) it put my situation into perspective. The DILs here have been so helpful in showing me that not all DILs are cruel and selfish. I don't even want to think about how I'd be managing without this site.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2010, 08:45:21 AM »
Oh penstamen!  I found it through "Mom Responds" too.  Luise had a "recommendation" on there that caught my attention. 

I'm so happy you're here!  I happy we all are.  It's nice to be around other women who are going through these things.  Someone understands us and as you put it so nicely, it "puts everything into perspective!"

I know I'm here alot.  I go about things around the house and keep checking back in (I take care of my parents, and am between job assignments). 

Thanks Penstamen!  Take care!

Offline Pen

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2010, 09:02:39 AM »
You too, Coco. This is my first forum experience and I'm glad I chose it to be my "de-flowering" in cyberspace :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Marilyn

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2010, 10:22:37 AM »
Thank you Coco,I'm glad to be here,and it is very helpful.Everyone is so supportive!!! It gives me something to be grateful for.I try to focus on all the things i'm grateful for each day,and this site truly is a blessing.

thanks and hugs to every one. :)


Sassy

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2010, 02:49:09 PM »
Sad,

Your DIL is totally unreasonable.  DS may have told her any dumb thing, in order to try and create empathetic parallel tales of woe, to match hers.  "He's a survivor."    Yea.   Tough guy survived your mother's free rent and having you launder his shorts and serve his supper for the last 25 years.   

DS invited you to the wedding because he wants you at his wedding.  When times comes, he may invite your DH and daughter anyway.   Invitations have not been sent.   Real plans for the one lousy night are probably not made yet.  Is DS and DIL testing you "we decide who we want" to see if you'll "respect" their decision.   

I read your 1.- 4.  and all it seemed to me was a little cranky at most, which should not have been given past a moments thought, and nothing personal at all you did.   Plllease~  changing a dirty diaper, mildly sarcastic defensiveness about dirty diaper, and making a bath joke out in the open.  Okayyyyy.  I'm in trouble myself if sarcarsm needs medication. 

Your DIL sounds very immature.  No matter her age she's young.   Hopefully with time she will wisen up.   New mama bear.  My cousins all get very serious for a few years, but they do chill out especially after #2 comes.  For now, next time you interact with them, stay so calm with talking to either of them.  Do not bring up the past as it's not helpful when they do.   Do not escalate.  Shift the subject.   Do not take verbal lashings of any sort from DS or DIL.  Call yourself from another phone to have to take the other call, just get off the line.  Politeness will get you through it.

Did they want more of an apology? Write out some bs one only if you feel like it.

Oh -- and if you've already kissed it goodbye, when the wedding actually comes give them a $100 check and a short note forgiving the total of his loans as their wedding gift.  Just kidding.  Kind of.

As a DIL I tell you, your DIL's very immature right now.  Stay calm and ride through it.   

Offline Pen

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #26 on: February 06, 2010, 03:33:15 PM »
Oh, this brings back memories! The stress of trying to keep everyone happy even though it's out of our control is hard on the mom. I hope all works out well for you and that joy and togetherness rule the day, not petty retaliation.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2010, 03:36:44 PM »
This doesn't apply but then again, it does....strong and true words:

     Four things you can't recover:

The stone........after the throw.     
    The word.........after it's said..

The occasion........after it's missed.
      The time..........after it's gone.

cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #28 on: February 06, 2010, 03:40:58 PM »
This doesn't apply but then again, it does....strong and true words:

     Four things you can't recover:

The stone........after the throw.     
    The word.........after it's said..

The occasion........after it's missed.
      The time..........after it's gone.
Not getting any arguments from me!  How absolutely true!  Who thinks of these wonderful statements anyway?  Makes you wonder where they come from...

sadat46

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #29 on: February 09, 2010, 12:22:28 PM »
Sassy,

Thank you for that email and for putting everything into perspective for me.  Yes you are absolutely right about being very immature.  I was very honest on my past quotes when I wrote what I did.  I never cussed or killed or hit anyone or anything.  It was just some things I said and some actions I took that were not within their guidelines.   

I was also very honest when I said I am sorry for those things.  They were upset because I explained things when I apologized and said that I was not really sorry.

However, I did send her a message and told her happy birthday and now I regret sending it.  I just started thinking I am not on their level. 

Yes I do not want to attend the wedding as it stands now, but I may change my mind in a few months.  But I will not let him or anyone talk down to me again.  I will like you said just dismiss myself politely from whatever communication tool he or she uses. 

I do not need this kind of abuse in my life and will not accept it. 

I am a mother and have been a mother to him, my daughter and I have a step son that respects me totally.  He would never talk to me the way my son did.

If anything, all of this makes me appreciate my step son and my hubby's family so much more being the dil and in-law on that side.   

Of course I think dil's mother agrees with them and she thinks I need to apologize.  How many times can you apologize?

hugs

SAD