I had hope and then it was dashed...

[QuietStorm]

At least for my MIL it's clear and it always has been.  I never liked leading the family on and pretending we would show up for something when neither myself nor DH intended on going, but MIL did always act like she expect us to surprise her when she knew well in advance we weren't going to something.

I did however do a bad thing.  The day after the "coffee talk" we were still in town because DH had something to do for work.  He told MIL that I would be roaming the mall all day and MIL took it upon herself to drive out to the mall with SIL in tow (SIL have been troublesome to say the least and to keep the peace we are civil but distant with her) to have a shopping day with me.  She tells DH that this is her plan without letting me know until she's there.  I was still fuming from "coffee talk" so I ignored her calls and avoided her all day.  Granted I had to meet up with her for lunch with DH but at that point SIL had already gone home.  But I suppose for my MIL the "what ifs" come to play because she puts them there.

Pooh I completely understand what you're saying about "what if"...I think about it too - what if they show up in town to surprise us, what if we go to the holiday and someone acts out...if everyone could be upfront about their feelings and intentions we'd all be a lot happier.

[pam1]

QuietStorm, it is similar here too.  Neither DH or I have waffled around in responding to invites or letting people know our plans.  For some reason DH's family acts in secret.  They will know the plan but won't let us know until last minute.  Things in my world that are social signals to let you know that you're not really welcome.  But in DHs family they act out if you don't show up.  And the surprise visits and secret ambushes out in public, wow, I really do not know why they think it is a good idea at all, but they do and it's the norm. 

And the "what ifs" are familiar to me too.  Are they going to show up at an event I'm at?  Are they going to show up at my home?  What if they call DH crying?  It goes on and on, so for me, the challenge has been to let it all go.  They are going to do and be who they want to be.

[Pooh]

I can agree to disagree with someone but yet never worry about if I run into them.  I know where they stand, they know where I stand.  If someone is shunning me and I don't know why, I am more than likely going to go the other way when I see them coming and then worry about what to do next time I run into them.  Do I confront them, do I avoid them.  If DS said he was choosing not to come to events, I wouldn't feel like I couldn't send him a Happy Birthday text.

[Belle]

I feel a lot of the same way Pooh.  I don't have to completely avoid someone over a snit, but I don't necessarily put myself in their line-of-fire either.  My MIL's biggest public complaint of me is that I have stopped visiting, years ago.  She uses this to tell others "DIL doesn't want anything to do with us, she doesn't want to try to work this out, so I'm not going to either." 

That's her perception.  The fact is that after years of being berated, mocked, made fun of, and belittled in her home, amidst others, I just stopped going.  She knew I was uncomfortable because DH told her so.  Her comments were audacious enough to make everyone in the room drop their jaws, yet to her her comments were "justified, and I just needed to grow a thicker skin if I was going to fit into this family!"  Of ourse, she had "done nothing wrong."

So when I just stopped going to her holidays, she got very defensive (and even more offensive).  The first few years that I didn't go, DH went without me.  We spent 3 Christmas-es in a row withour individual FOO's, and it was miserable.  To make it worse, his mother kept on making comments about me, even worse ones when I wasn't there to defend myself (at that time, DH wouldn't DARE defend me to Mumsy).  DH got so tired of it that he finally told his mother that he would not be coming to visit again until she apologized to both of us for the way she'd acted and the things she'd said to and about me.  LOL, I'll let you guess how that turned out.

Now, neither of us visit her.  We don't invite her to visit either.  When she wants to "stop in" for a few days on her way to Florida, we ask her to get a hotel room and we will meet her in public for dinner.  She has invited me to her house to stay (they live several states away), but I just won't put myself in her territory, because it appears that she thinks that gives her a right to speak to me however she chooses.

But darned if I do, and darned if I don't.  If I go, she treats me like dirt.  If I don't, she tells everyone I "avoid her family."  Its not all of them, she's the only one who's really intolerable.   

[pam1]

I can agree to disagree with someone but yet never worry about if I run into them.  I know where they stand, they know where I stand.  If someone is shunning me and I don't know why, I am more than likely going to go the other way when I see them coming and then worry about what to do next time I run into them.  Do I confront them, do I avoid them.  If DS said he was choosing not to come to events, I wouldn't feel like I couldn't send him a Happy Birthday text.

I'm ok with conflict and on-going conflict.  One of the things I noticed that bothers me with my MIL are the scenes she makes.  Picking up DD and twirling her around, screeching at the top of her lungs how much she loooooves me, crying, the over the top emotions really bother me.  So in her case, it is definitely our personalities don't mesh in this area and I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, which I'm apparently prone to do lol. 

[Pooh]

Belle, I don't blame you one bit.  I have stated several times, that if my DIL just doesn't like me and doesn't want to come over...ok.  If DS wants to come visit without her then she shouldn't stand in his way, like you were doing.  If DS showed up on Christmas without her, I would be going, "What are you doing?  This is Christmas.  I appreciate that you guys are ok with going to family without each other, but truly you should limit that to non-holidays or at least none of the biggies Son.   It's important that you guys get to spend these times together.  We can get together tomorrow or some other time to do our Christmas.  Go surprise that wife of yours!"  If you guys truly knew me, you would be shocked how easy I am to get along with on things like that and how I totally believe in they should be together for the Holidays.

Belle I think it's great that you have set your boundaries.  No one deserves to be treated that way and she is absolutely wrong.  It's a shame that you are missing out on the other good family members because of her antics, but totally understandable.  MILs like her make me want to go sit in the room with them with a paintball gun and every time they say something nasty, shoot them.  Kind of like we used to do to our dog we were trying to train with a a water bottle.  They told us every time he started chewing on furniture, shoes or anything that didn't belong to him, to spray a squirt of water at his nose.  He would learn to not do that.  Our friends were training one at the same time and we told them about it.  3 months later, their dog learned.  1 year later, we found ours a new home because he didn't and I was tired of him destroying everything I worked hard for.

You're a good wife Belle and a great DIL that someone is missing out on.

[Nana]

Pam and Belle

For me, you true assets as dil's in our forum (some others too).  Your contribution is unvaluable...we have a lot to learn..  I am also a dil (my mil is 90 lol)  and we love each other dearly.....but it was easier back then to have a good relationship with in-laws (really dont know why) but things have changed now....and I love to hear what young adults have to say now.  The clarity and honesty in your posts are awesome.

Good luck to you
Love you guys

[luise.volta]

As most of you know, we started out as a MIL site...(www.MotherInLawsUnite.com) to try to figure out what went wrong and if there was anything we could do about it. Then DILs started joining us asking if we could help them with difficult MILs. In turn, of course, we asked them what might be done with difficult DILS. From that we learned that it wasn't the titles all but the person. Quite a revelation. So we took it from there. We look at the dynamics and see if there is anything we can do or if we are innocent bystanders and need to look at survival...or both. Sending love...

[justanoldgrandma]

Pooh, dh and I told a ds and dil several years ago that since Xmas Eve and Day were extremely important to dil's family and the only family tradition, they must go to her family's and we would see them later; they were saying they would each go to their own FOO's, that it was just another day.  They were afraid, I'm sure, of offending us and dil's FOO; we insisted bc we wanted them to be together and also we knew how important it was to dil and her FOO to be together.   

With other dil, Christmas is long-stranding tradition to be at great-aunt's house and that's it.  We don't even think of suggesting otherwise bc it would only lead to "no" and hard feelings, so we get together another time; we just have to make other plans.  We are fortunate that both dils will come to our home other times and vice versa.

We haven't had serious problems that would warrant deep down problem solving discussions.  Things I get upset about really can't be solved; maybe they aren't that major, just differences in personalities, etc.  We just talk it out briefly when there's a problem.  Lucky so far.....

[Nana]

Justan oldgrandma:

You and your husband are great.  Your son and dil are lucky to have you.  Wow....all understanding and only caring to give them peace. 

Great heart indeed

Love

[pam1]

Pam and Belle

For me, you true assets as dil's in our forum (some others too).  Your contribution is unvaluable...we have a lot to learn..  I am also a dil (my mil is 90 lol)  and we love each other dearly.....but it was easier back then to have a good relationship with in-laws (really dont know why) but things have changed now....and I love to hear what young adults have to say now.  The clarity and honesty in your posts are awesome.

Good luck to you
Love you guys

Thanks, Nana!  Sending love right back at ya!

To be honest, I was shocked at how things happened with my MIL.  I really thought it would be like all the other in law relationships I've seen, some aren't the best.  My stepmom and grandmother didn't see eye to eye but I never heard one speak awful about the other or treat each other any different than any other valued family member.  That just wasn't an option

I assumed that my MIL and I would get along and have a great relationship.  I'm slowly learning that I too had expectations that were unfair to expect of others.  For me, WWU has been invaluable to hear the MILs side. 

[luise.volta]

Most of us get to be both. I have had three MILs...(Val was 78 when we married, so his mom was gone.) One walked on water, one I never got to know and one was a total mess but didn't project that onto me. I have since had, lets see...five DILs. No two experiences on either end were alike in any way. I have an ex-DIL that would take a bullet for me and will be the one sitting by my side when I pass...and two ex-DILs that think I am the reincarnation of the Witch of Ender. Another feared me and thought there was no way to live up to me and one likes me even though she thinks I am seriously lacking. Kirk and Sandy aren't married but are in a deep and fulfilling, lifetime relationship. When we introduce each other, we use the MIL/DIL titles because it's simpler. She's a peach and we are very different but very close.

Life's a hoot!

[Rose799]

You may not know it, but you are a pretty tough act to follow, Luise...   

[luise.volta]

[justanoldgrandma]

I have to admit that my previous post makes me sound like I have it all together; like I am totally content w giving dils total pass on doing what they want (a lot more devotion/time/attention/closeness to their FOOS..... which means sons don't have the time and attention to give to us bc it's their choice, as many have said, to make their own families happy; they are grown now and again, as people say, it's their choice.)
 
We are still debating, dh and I, about how long do we wait for dils to let us know when next holiday will end at FOO's and what weekend might be w us, do we plan a trip or go to dh's family's?  Still don't want to NOT see them!

And at holiday time, still an empty spot in heart, remembering past holidays..... feeling alone then, gotta make plans of our own, bc there's no way to change anything; dss know but as has been said, it's their decision to make and if new family is happy, it doesn't help for me to do a guilt trip..... said something once, do get more time...... has to be enough..... and we do get a lot of joy in seeing them.

So I can talk big about being content but as someone said on another board, it's an ongoing thing to make ourselves happy when there is no way to change things w/o losing the good rapport we have by "giving in" w/o saying so..... telling the plans we make for ourselves..... making dss feel guilty is a no win situation; serenity prayer said a whole lot here.   Trying hard to be grateful, trying to let expectations go, "refitting" dh's and my lives bc even though dils' families haven't let go bc they are still so involved, to a certain extent we must.....

Zipping mouth when "things" are expressed and then there's walking on eggshells, trying to be helpful w/o being bossy; but it always passes.....

Just wanted to say dh and i do lose patience, feel neglected and out of it at times, but more to lose by throwing our own tantrums!  And sons and families do appreciate us and in our silence we are recognized, I think, as the good guys..... and it's taken me time to learn, "if you can't beat 'em".... and compared to many, have got it made.  By not demanding, we are invited..... and ILs and we get along fine, so....

This site helps bc there are a lot of suggestions on how to do the living for ourselves thing...

But it's still a struggle at times!  Mope in bathtub at times.....try not to vent too much to dh bc just makes him feel bad.... 

Signed, not a saint, not unselfish, still learning, still coping!