I had hope and then it was dashed...

[pam1]

lol Pooh, even if you met my MIL to hear why she demands all that time...I'm still not sure anyone would be able to follow that logic.  Most of what she says "I'm a Mom"...ok, so am I, so is my stepmom, my sisters.  She'll say her children are very close....DH says not and before me, he even spent less time with them.  She says she has traditions....yes, we all do! 

So when she gets nowhere with all those reasons....it is now b/c we just hate her, we would only do this to someone we dislike.  She moves on to guilt tripping.

Eh, I do think when you have one party who is this insistent on their way or the highway, nothing will ever be enough.  There is no such thing as a compromise b/c to them, compromise is doing exactly what they want.  Otherwise you're being mean.

I can totally understand how 9 years of this can add up.  Heck, I've only been dealing with my MIL for a handful now and I can't do it.  It doesn't matter how many lunches you take her too, how many special things you plan specifically for her........she is looking and only counts one thing only, if you're doing everything her way. 

And as a disclaimer, I know there are DILs out there exactly like this too.

[herbalescapes]

DILs often get blamed for what is really the husband's fault.  It's his family, he should make the effort, but if he doesn't, then it's DIL who "keeps" husband away from his FOO.  I know it does happen that a DIL (or somethimes a SIL) really cuts off the inlaws with no cause, but families too easily blame the newbie.  Also, a younger married couple, especially once kids arrive, can be a lot busier than an older couple who may be retired or semi-retired or at least not have little kids under foot. 

If you've made an effort over the years to keep the ILs involved in your lives but they can't appreciate the effort, then it's their loss.  My attitude is usually, "If you can't appreciate what I already do, don't expect me to do more."  Some people are "all or nothing" types; if you can't give them all, give them nothing.

good luck.

[forever spring]

Relationships (even family ones), evolve and "cycle through," even grow and/or deteriorate over time.  That's not necessarily the fault of any outsider, or anyone's "fault" for that matter, but is the natural progression/regression of any relationship type.  When we start the "tug o' war" to regain control on either side...the one on the middle is the one that really suffers. 

This is so right. It can be a source of hope for everybody who is going through a bad patch with the family. Thing about family, you can't just forget about them.
When I read about DIL's problems I always think that I could be that MIL and without wanting it putting my foot in constantly. I think I'm not demanding but maybe I am.
Have a good day everybody! 

[lancaster lady]

chipping in here with my tuppence worth .......
since my DS and family have moved in , I have realised that the main problem is my DS !
He fails to make any effort at keeping contact with his family and of course we blame it on his wife to be when the real problem
is him !
He doesn't do it on purpose , he just can't be bothered full stop ! When questioned about it , his reply was , Well they
(family) don't keep in touch with me ! To which I replied ...It's a two way street !
So ladies when your MIL ''thinks'' you are the instigator of splitting families up , you can point them in the direction of
their precious son !

[tryingmybest]

I think we all have the right to decide where to put our energy and it sounds like you have gone as far as anyone could be expected to. Don't cut her off, but just stop worrying about it. She has a problem, but it's not you, you sound like a wonderful DIL. And I so agree with LL I think a lot of the issues we have with our DILs are really son problems, and the DILs get the blame. 

[pam1]

Wow, this is just what DH and I have been discussing and going over in therapy lately lol.  How timely!  It has come down to there are some unresolved issues between my MIL and DH but it is easier to point at me.  Our counselor said it was similar to a stepchild blaming a stepparent for the bio parents failures.  In essence, it is a lot easier and a lot less painful for a MIL to point at DIL as the source of her upset.

[forever spring]

This puts a different spin on my situation in the past year. It really made me think that the disappointment I experienced was caused by DS and my relationship with him - amongst other things that is. Thanks for addressing this LL. One has to look at a situation from so many different angles and try to make sense of it.

[Ruth]

QuietStorm, Your name speaks volumes.  I can relate firsthand to your frustration.  I tend to err on the side that as long as two parties are still willing to slug it out that it isn't time for the fatal cut off approach.  LL, you are dead right.   Her (MIL) issue is with her son, and she isn't strong enough to admit it to herself or to him.  Rather than cut off, I'd do one of two things.  I'd either go to the cool side of politeness and distance with her and no more intimate talks, or I'd tell her the truth that in all honesty and gentleness I just didn't have any more strength to keep beating this dead horse.  I agree with LL, its usually about the DS.  My MIL cut me off to the quick four years ago, I was dead to her when she decided I had come in as an outsider and destroyed her utopic relationship with her DS.  And also that I had destroyed his precious peaceful life.  She hated me, and wrote me a letter telling me so.  I did cut her off, but my DH didn't.  This was a death blow to our marriage although it still limps along as well as can be expected. 

[Pen]

I'm so sorry for all the mistreated DILs & MILs out there. I'm disappointed that after all these decades women can still be backbiting, jealous, mean, and spiteful to one another instead of supporting each other in dealing with the DS/DH who can't seem to honor both his wife and his FOO at the same time. I'm very grateful for my DS who stood up to his DW & her FOO when they tried to take over. They're still at it, but at least we get to see DS now & again and DIL is nicer. And I'm also very grateful that WWU doesn't encourage backbiting, jealous, mean or spiteful behavior! Our little haven...

[luise.volta]

Peace...

[lancaster lady]

When you think.about.it men are bound to.change as they mature and also find a partner .They no longer need their DM as they used to ,so we perhaps look for a reason why and up pops the DIL ! I love my son to bits but I hope my FDIL learns how to handle him , he is a younger version of my DH ! A beating once a week should do it ! ......

[Pooh]

I think everyone of us here that have DIL/MIL issues have recognized that our DS is the middle man that could control the entire situation if they choose to.  They could be taking a stance against their Mother for the mistreatment of their wife.  They could be taking a stance against their wife for the mistreatment of their Mother.  Whatever the situation is.  Choosing to stay out of it and ignoring there is a problem is the worst for all involved.  It allows a not-nice DIL to alienate his family or it allows a not-nice MIL to interfere in there marriage and cause chaos.

It boggles my mind that they can't figure that out.  In the cases where DS actually ends up being the problem, maybe as in he chooses not to visit his family or making bad decisions, step up and take responsibility.  Using my situation as an example, I would love for one of two things to happen. 

#1.  I would love for DS to show up and say, "I want you to know something.  I love you but I just don't enjoy spending time with you, my brother or any of our family.  I'm the one that doesn't want to come to family events.  DIL has been pushing me saying that I needed to, but I just don't want to."  Wow!  It would give us an opportunity to actually have a conversation on what made him feel that way, and it would give me the chance to say, "Ok, that's fine then.  At least you are honest.  You don't have any obligations to visit or come to family events, and I will not ask any more.  I would like an occasional phone call or text, just to know you are alive and well, if that's not too much to ask?"  I would hate to know he felt that way, but by georgie, at least I would know.  It would also allow me to ask if DIL felt the same way or would it be appropriate to communicate with her?

#2.  I would love for DS to show up and say,  "I have had a talk with DIL.  She just doesn't like you or my family and I told her that's ok.  She didn't have to visit or call but I was still going to.  I've been staying away so that I didn't upset her, but I told her I missed my family and wasn't going to do that any more." 

Wouldn't it be nice to know that they could take responsibility for whatever their role is in the situation?  I have no clue which situation is true in my case.  I do know due to history, that DIL doesn't like me and I don't care for her much either.  The difference between us is that I will always be polite and civil if she chooses to change her mind and would give her another chance.  She had a pattern of cutting off people that don't worship her or do exactly what she wanted.  Maybe she's changed in the last couple of years?  I will never know if she doesn't try again.  I do know that my DS is playing a role in this and whichever it is, #1 or #2, he is sitting back and doing nothing.  That in itself, makes him guilty.

P.S.  There is a #3 that I would take, but at the same time would be the hardest for me.  DIL could show up and say, "MIL, I want you to know I've been trying to get DS to come see you guys.  I've tried to get him to call.  He just refuses and I can't get him to do it.  It's caused problems for us."  I would tell her I was sorry that it was causing issues in their marriage and for her to not continue to do that.  I would thank her for trying and tell her that I was glad she came to me to let me know.  I would tell her she was always welcome in my house or to call, but only if it didn't cause problems between them and that she could do it honestly without sneaking around.  That situation would truly be the hardest, because I would want her to feel welcome but not be a intrusion on their marriage.  It would make my DS truly guilty for putting her in the middle.

[luise.volta]

Profound!

[lancaster lady]

If you knew Pooh , would it make it harder or easier to take ?

[Pooh]

For me, it would make it easier.  I have dropped my expectations from them, but yet, there is still always going to be a little nagging voice in my brain that says, "What if they just decided to show up at Mom's for Thanksgiving this year?"  "What if I run into them at the mall?  Are they going to turn and go the other way or stop and be civil for a minute?"  What if?  I have let go of the why's, but there still remains the what if's.  What if they have children, will they change their mind.  What if I am in the hospital and they show up?  I don't expect them to, but it's like my brain has to formulate a plan for the what if's.  If I know the truth, then the what if's wouldn't matter and I would know they were not coming because they said they were not.  I would know that they would probably speak to me if I ran into them.  Just civilly but not an issue if we both commicated our wishes.

If they said, we are not coming to family events...ok, then I wouldn't be second guessing the holiday.  Do I get to go and enjoy myself and be me and not worry about it?  Am I going to walk in and find them there all of a sudden and have to concentrate on being civil and can I even speak to them at this point?  I guess that might sound kind of dumb, but I am one of these people that want to know the truth.  I wanted my Doctor to say yesterday, "I have no interest in treating you" if he didn't so I could move on.  I don't want him to dilly-dally around but yet really had no intention of going out of his way.  Be honest and let me move on.  It's like my disease.  I didn't want one but I needed the diagnosis to know what I could do next.  If it's DS and DIL has been trying, then I could let go of my way of thinking that she could be behind this.  I'm telling you, if I ran into her Mother at the mall today, I would turn and go the other way because of my history with her.  If I knew that DIL was actually caught in the middle, I would stop and try to talk to her Mother and apologize to her for behaving so coldly in the past after our rifts.  If I'm wrong in my assumptions, I want to apologize.  Doesn't mean they have to accept it, but I would like the opportunity to do that.

This has nothing to do with DS/DIL and more to do with my personality.  I'm like that about everything.  I was more mad at my Ex for not telling me that he had met someone that he thought he wanted to get to know, than the actual affair.  We had had conversations about friends having affairs and I had always told him that if he ever met someone, I would want to know.  If he could come in and tell me, before doing anything, that he had met someone that he thought he wanted to see or get to know better...tell me.  Would it hurt any less?  No and yes.  It would still hurt but at least I would know he respected me and at one time loved me enough to be honest.  I told him I would be upset but that I would be willing to be civil about the whole thing and work through the divorce with him and be fair.    I told him that if he ever did have an affair and I caught him, then all bets were off and it wouldn't be pretty.  I know that's probably a weird thing to tell your DH but I believe in honesty and that's how I feel about affairs.  Why would I want to be with someone that wanted to be with someone else?  He actually agreed and said he felt the same way.  Liar.