been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today

[Miss Understood]

Darn...Always thought I was like 90 1/2 % perfect! Hahaha! 

[luise.volta]

[Nana]

Dear Misunderstood.  So good to know from you again.  It is really sad that things are not good now and that you are hurting.  Keys post, Pooh's, Luise's are excellent.  What else can we add to make you feel better.  I was just remembering my brother say about his son "If he doesnt love me, I can love him for both of us".  It is how you are Mu, wonderful, warm, loving. 

Just think of all the people here that love you.  So many posts to your rescue lol.  I also know that justice will be serve...sooner or later. 

Love you

[Begonia]

Sending some good energy to you in cyberspace!!   

[Miss Understood]

With such a remarkably tough day...I feel rather good! Thank you all.

[luise.volta]

Good for you! :-)

[sesamejane]

Mu,  I miss my son too, the one I raised.  I do not know the man now.  I grieve, and then I think of who he has become.  It is perplexing sometimes because he was so loving, but when he married his wife about 9 years ago, he changed.  She is shallow, and cold, and cruel, and has hurt even her own parents, so why not me?   

I wish you the best. For me, even though I have forgiven, I know that unless they have the ability to make amends, apologize, the same stuff would happen all over again.  I have done nothing to them to deserve the treatment I received.  I loved them and spent money I did not have to support their efforts at starting a family.  THey just wanted more and more, with little respect shown to me.

I don't want to dwell on this anymore.  Making a good life and taking care of myself is important now.  Maybe someday, when my grandchildren are grown, I will look them up.

It hurts because you are capable of such deep love.  Good for you and what a blessing for those you love.

[Miss Understood]

I am learning the word "NO" Which is not the easiest thing to pass through my mouth. I am such a fool sometimes. My whole life I have strived to "Please" Everyone. After this past 15 months of intense pain and a good therapist I have learned that I AM only in control of myself. I stand up for myself alot more (which in turn removes the toxic people from my space) It has also made me realize that I am defined as a person because of someone elses opinion or action towards, against or directed at me. I also learned that I can live with a broken heart, learned that I am much stronger than I ever realized, I learned that my life is more valuable to some than others. I learned who my true friends are, how much my daughters respect and feel about me as a mother and that both of them do not think or feel or believe that I did anything to deserve DS's horrible treatment (which means alot to me since my parents believe that I have...but they cannot say what because they are only basing their belief on their view of me...which is extremely low)
I have also learned to remove toxic relationships out of my life...this is the hardest.
However...I am back to work, spent my DS and DIL's house money that I was gifting them on GD's first Birthday...which ironically, the cutoff happened the day before....Anyway, I bought me a convertible sports car with it! 
I know I am and always was a good mother...good daughter....good wife....awesome grandmother. I know...if they can't appreciate that, that is their problem and if they don't want me in their lives...they are the ones missing out...I'm only missing out on GD, because a relationship with either of those disrespectful, cursing, hurting and selfish people is not very joyous. I think they have a lot of growing up and a lot of self discovery and worldly learning before I really want them back in my life. If they came back now...Nothing would be different with them...THEY are not ready. They need maturity and learn to treat others respectfully. Because of my new self identity...I would never listen to my DS curse me for 41 minutes. The phone would be hung up the first curse word or raising of his voice at me and DIL...well... I have zero good feelings left in her and I don't think would ever come back, not after te way she tried to destroy our family. Though...one of the big things I did realized was that SHE didn't destroy our family. She may have caused collateral damage and put a bunch of cancer there...but I have started to remove the cancer one by one and piece MY family back together. Sooner or later or Not...Me, my DH, 2 daughters will be whole again...with our withough DS, DIL and that precious GD. I even took a trip with my youngest daughter to NYC this summer and had a whopping blast. Last summer...I barely got out of bed. I'm healing and learning and growing. The hurting moments and crying moments are less and the joy in my life seems to shine brighter again. I pray, I hope and I remember my DS as the person he was when he was in our lives. I miss him very much. But I need to carry on....so, I do.
Thanks for all the support and for listening to me today.

[luise.volta]

Oh, MU, I am copying that post, transferring it to Word, printing it out and pasting it on my wall!

[Ruth]

I'm so very very sorry for you, and with you, MU.  The grief, for me, comes in waves.  If it were consistent we wouldn't be able to bear it.  This past 9 months is the first time in 10 yrs that I haven't been actively pursuing my DS, begging, pleading, trying to make amends, buying, anything and everything I could think of to try and make it right.   I learned this year to 'cry softly' and now I don't grieve all the time.  I had to come to terms that what I was doing was depriving the others in my life, with my emotional preoccupation.  The most unselfish thing you can do is to pull out of the grief, leave all the outcome to God, and believe there will be a brighter day when all is made right.  Time isn't important, all has its own appointed time.  I don't fret over this any more.  Give yourself some peace today.  The end of the book has not been written yet. 

[Miss Understood]

It has also made me realize that I am defined as a person because of someone elses opinion or action towards, against or directed at me.

This was supposed to say NOT defined...But I think you got that!

I had a no crying day....A few good memories which were very bitter sweet.
I even told one to my hairdresser this afternoon.

This is a true story...a fond memory.
My son was in the 7th grade and I was dropping him off at his first middle school dance. He was meeting his friends out front. As he got out and DID NOT kiss me goodbye...I rolled the window down and said loudly, "By honey...I love you so much and hope you have a great time." His friends chuckled and ribbed him a little. I thought he was going to be mad...He smiled and waved at me. Then one boy said, "Oh...Mommy is saying goodbye. Are you a mama's boy?" He said, "Yes...you would be too if you had a mom as wonderful as mine." He then came to the car and hugged me goodbye. That was my son...That is the son I miss. A long time ago... but he did love me and I know somewhere inside...he still does.

Yes, the book isn't finished yet. I just am not calling and begging and pleading anymore. Quiet I am...moving on I must.

[Rose799]

I'm touched by these posts, MU & Ruth, thank you for sharing.

[molly]

. thousands of dollars to famous psychologist who helped me so much and my wonderful friend luise our son is now interacting with us, connecting ah gain with the rest of his relatives, and calling us albeit from the office.  We are getting to see grandchild for rare visits.  Everything is on their terms.  I accept the crumbs.

But tonight as I read wise women I saw these strong women who are standing up for themselves.  I thought I was one of those but I still weep by myself because I am afraid dil will do something to break that thin thread between my son and myself .  I just asked my husband don't you sly love him d.   He does not because of how he treated me, a horrid story even the therapist reprimanded son for ..
Husband says he tolerates son, could care less about him, is not ashamed we failed.  He feels son failed.  But I am a mother and I take anything to hear my sons voice.  Now if  I could stop hating her for what she has done to us

[luise.volta]

Hi Molly, Thanks for checking in. All any of us can do is be ourselves in the circumstances we find ourselves in. I don't think anyone here has a handle on it 24/7 with never a bad day (or night.) We do support and understand each other. For some, it can help...not to be alone with it. And I agree that men can sometime close the door better than we can. It's a mother's heart. We may not love what they do...but the love is still there. Blessings...

[molly]

Doing great otherwise.  And thank you for everything.  You are one very wise woman