been quiet for a while....though i need some encouragement today

[Miss Understood]

Thanks to all of you.
How do you show that you won't take that behavior anymore when you gravelled for so long. I am the laughing stock....to them.
That's what I feel I am. Most of the time I feel pretty strong, however...I still have moments of feel overwhelmed with sadness and confusion regarding the "why" question.
My husbands son did a very similar thing...almost 5 years went by with NO communication. She wouldn't have any part of it, he wouldn't talk. 2 more kids later...they are back
in our lives. Back in a good way. No more disrespect, no more lies, hurt and cruelness. We have a lovely relationship with the kids (4 of them) they even went on vacation with us
which we never thought would ever happen. Tonight the oldest who is 10 sent me a picture of him with his blue blanket that I made for him when he was 2. He kept it and DIL
said when they got home from the trip he immediately wanted to get his picture taken with the blanket and send it to me. I cried....this is what gives me hope that my DS will
come back. My Stepson is now really close with his father. My DH wouldn't gravel though. He hung up the phone 7 years ago and said enough and that was the end of it with him.
I can't do that. I just can't let go. But I know I don't have anything to hold onto either. I feel in limbo with DS. Nothing I have done made a difference....still silent treatment.
I keep saying each day, "I made it this far...I can keep going." I do....and I have good laughter now, I smile more, I work, I function....I wasted 15 months of my life by crying and crying and
having every good thing be filled with guilt and fear and pain over DS's "stupid" silent treatment. I know and realize that. I know it isn't about me...even if he blames me...How can you resolve anything when you can't give the other person the decensy of telling them why you out them...especially your own mother? I am ashamed of my DS! very ashamed of him! I did not raise him to behave this way....My other kids don't act this ridiculous.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I missed all of you. I just stayed quiet because sometimes I heal better by not arguing my case. It's my not being the victim and not focusing on my failure of a mother thing. Sometimes I need to talk about it.

[Pen]

The silent treatment is a form of shunning and is abusive behavior, according to several articles I've read. I googled "effects of shunning" and found several articles.

[Canuck Grannie]

Keys Girl said: "...think of your son as a sheep who is lost in the woods.  He may eventually find his way home, but in my case if there isn't respect, courtesy and kindness, I'll toss his butt back into the woods in a heartbeat..."

How grounded in reality those words are for me today.  Thanks to all who have posted such true words of wisdom and insight.  I have been unfairly treated by a grown son and have cried too many tears.  He must surely be lost in some woods somewhere and may or may not find his way out someday.  He must have got his stubbornness from his loving mother!

I can sleep tonight (after two days of aching), knowing that not only was I a loving and kind mother often told that by him and his siblings, but - more importantly - I was once a grateful child myself who showed patience and kindness toward my own parents.  Reminding myself of all my good qualities and kind motives tonight - after reading others' thoughts here - I feel happiness starting to creep back in. 

Son - I release you.  May you find peace and joy in your life.

[Miss Understood]

I too find it hard to sleep at night sometimes...just the random thoughts of my DS and his smell and things he used to say or do that made me feel so proud to be his mother. Lost sheep....yep....or lost dog with rabies is more like it. Cruel behavior like ostercizing someone who should be so dear to you is just plain evil and hard to fathom.
I go to bed everynight sending my energy and love to his heart...I believe he feels my love, even if he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He will someday. I also pray to God, who is the God of reconciliation that he take hold of this and remove me from controlling this and patiently wait for him to find a way.

The only way I can describe my pain to people who don't understand is that if feels as though my DS was abducted and his whereabouts are unknown and I am panic stricken in trying to relocate him. Hurt that something bad has happened to him, he will be lost forever or that he is somehow crying out to me for me to help him/find him and I am lost too. That is what it feels like to me that my DS as cut me out of his life.....for no reason....for a lie.....for a DIL that changed him into something unrecognizable.

[luise.volta]

Beloved MU, this is old news coming from me to you...but where you focus is where your emotions go and where your emotions go, you will as well. If you let it, this can kill you. You have serious health issues. And you have a family that loves you and is powerless to help you until you help yourself. Your son made his choice, he is not being held at gun point...and you get to make your choice as well. The extreme pain your are experiencing is being nurtured by you and you are becoming attached to it. You go to bed sending love. The love is there in your son's heart and soul because he is your son. You don't need to reinforce it.

You came back to WWU after your vacation to celebrate your progress with us. I see your posts taking you back down to where you are the most comfortable because it is the most familiar and that is into  being the quintessential victim. The rest of your beautiful family deserves better even if you don't think you do. No one can stop you. Everyone has tried. You have documentation this is unfair, proof that you deserve better...and it keeps you in place. Your life was and is a gift. The rest of your family was and is a gift and you turn toward...are drawn to...and have pledged yourself to...the loss that has undeniably come your way. If you hang on to it, it hangs on to you. We all see horrors until we let it go.

[Pooh]

Bautiful MU, do me a favor.  Take a deep breath and go back and read your last two posts as if they were written by someone else on this site and see what you think?  Pretend it was me that wrote those and then tell me what advice you would give me.

I see in both posts, that you know exactly what you need to do.

[Miss Understood]

Oh, I do know...I do sit and have conversations with myself...the logical, smart and not defined by this craziness self. Sometimes, the sad, heartbroken self speaks.
I do have a really good life, a basket full of joyful and abundant wonderful things....a few maggots (as I say) are outside the basket and draw my attention there from time to time....why? because I don't want it that way. I want those maggots to be part of our family, to be there with the joy....I remember the joy and it hurts that it has turned to maggots and it is creaping up to my basket. I know this sounds silly the way I paint the picture....But I do recognize the good stuff and enjoy the good stuff and from time to time I feel guilty for feeling good.
I don't know why I do that. I have no reason to feel guilty. Then when I stand and look at myself I think, "Oh....it is him and DIL missing out on MY love, on a beautiful life with US. What I am missing out on is mean cruel nasty treatment, cursing me when they don't get their way, dangling of that precious baby over my head like a randsom, lies and more lies......and so on." Yes....he isn't ready to come back in my life until he is ready to come back. I almost feel the peace that it is quiet and not a bunch of turmoil. Missing him is sad, but the battle is disgusting and it wears me down.
I did have a great summer with my daughters and other grandchildren...even my marriage is better. I have limited my feeling sorry for myself moments and moved back to the land of the living. Still continue with therapy that is helping me move through the grief and why I feel I need to control everything that I have no way of controlling.

Don't lose faith in me....I am really not stuck in that black hole anymore....I am just having a few sad days. When I look at the beautiful pictures from our vacation and the only one's who are missing is them.....It was a hard slap in my face and it drug me down a bit. That's all. Thanks for understanding and picking me back up. I am o.k. I know that someday....he will realize this was silly and I'll always be his mom.

[luise.volta]

We are with you. Don't lose faith in yourself, MU. Only you can lift yourself up. And we all have bad days and sometimes weeks. Fight for yourself!

[Pooh]

Exactly what Luise said!  I have total faith in you and yes, some sad days are normal.  We are the only ones that can dust ourselves off and believe in ourselves. 

[farrelly80]

I feel for you, its so hard to carry on as normal when your heart is broken through the actions of a son who you gave life to. It helps so much to read and realise that you are not alone in this terribly sad situation. I miss our gs so much its like a knife through the heart but I realise that, as has been said so often,  you cannot make someone be as you want them to be, its their call. The hope is one day he will realise we are not ogres but loving decent people who make mistakes, as normal people do, but love him and our gs unconditionally. I pray to God that that day will not be too far into the future.
Its sad that they can use a little boy as a pawn, to be kept from his gp who he adores. I wish these young women would walk a mile in our shoes, girls today are a so different. yet my ys's gf is a delight and we are real close. A wise man told me once to count your blessings and she and my ys are our blessings.
Keep reading, I take a lot of comfort from the wise words here, it really does help.
Farrelly80 x

[maxine]

just a thought - do you think that you are hanging on to these hopes as it gives you some attachment to you DS, rather than just letting go and moving on with your life? This is certainly not a critisism and I feel for you deeply. We give birth to these children, nurture them and hopefully make them well rounded adults but we can't do everything for them . I am sure one day ( maybe when he has problem with his child) he will realise the pain he has given you.
Go out and enjoy your life and pat yourself on the back for doing a good job.
Maxine

[Miss Understood]

Hi Maxine. Yes...I hold on. I can't let go. He's my child. I can't help it.
I am trying to enjoy my life but this festering wound seems to infect the rest of it.
I am much better than a year ago...I have my bad days...but I DO have good days.
I am and always have been a good mother. I know that.
Thanks for the support ladies.

[luise.volta]

To move forward even more, try to get that it isn't "I can't"...it's "I won't." There is a payoff or you'd let go. I think A. is right, you keep the relationship "alive" by refusing to accept the reality of your son's choices. Your mothering days with him are over. He is an adult and your job is done. You may some day become friends or you may not but your function as a mother is complete. In trying to perpetuate it, you are purposely perpetuating pain. No one can help you...but you, MU.

[Miss Understood]

I know. I am working on it. I spend 90% of my waking hours now functional...THAT is a big improvement. I have that 10% hang on still lingering

[luise.volta]

Just remember that the rest of us have about the same percentage of dysfunction. There is no perfection!