MIL makes me regret trying

[2chickiebaby]

I just want to know why do MILs think that DILs have to spend time with them?  Would you really want someone around you who doesn't like you, smiling in your face while they really detest the sound of your voice?  That can't be fulfilling at all.  Why not just spend the time with people who really want to be with you and not concern yourself with whom ever doesn't like you?
_________________________________________________________________________
Yes, I'd rather have someone who detested me around me, smiling even though they detested me, if it brought my son and grandchildren with it.  It is an integral part of his/their life.  It married him.

[Bride2Be]

Well I you do that...

I totally see why your DIL doesn't like you....  You refer to her as "it"

I would spit if I knew that's how you felt about me.  And I would stay away and let your son and grandkids tolerate you. 

You want other people to feel your pain but then you refer to you son's wife as "it" and can't even remotely begin to sympathize with someone else's pain.  I hope she stays away forever.

I getting a little emotional now.  This is why DILs stay away, they have MILs who refer to them as "it" but want all the respect in the world.

[RedRose]

MarriedChick09,

"I guess I'm just frustrated but I'm glad my husband has decided to let it go and keep us apart."

See, it has started to happen already...in order not to have the argument with you any longer...he has given in to you. You have gotten your way and you don't have to see her any longer. Does this make you happy.

Or maybe...soon...you won't want your children to see her any longer. Then..he will see the whole situation your way..and he will stop visiting her.
All to keep you happy.
Do you see how the whole situation revolves around you and your relationship with your MIL.

[Glitterati]

""""Without you, there is no relationship with her son. """"

I am so unwilling to be responsible for that.  His relationship with his mother is his responsibility to keep up or let wither.  It's convenient to blame a dil for it...because it's less painful than putting the blame on the son.

In my case...my husband originally pulled so far back from his mother I didn't know if he'd every speak to her again beyond answering yes/no questions.  He's much past that point now, but he doesn't have the same type of relationship with her as before--and I don't know if he ever will.  And, it's not my fault.  It's her's and it's his.  I refuse to accept blame or responsibility for a relationship that is not mine.

[Glitterati]

Marriedchick, how do your children feel about your non-relationship with their grandmother?  Are they sad, or do they not really care?   

Anna...I can tell you what I did in my case.  My older son once asked me why I no longer visited his grandparents.  I tried to dodge the issue...but he was persistent.  I just opted for the truth and told him I was mad at them, but that it had absolutely nothing to do with him and he was still welcome to go to their house any time they were available.  He asked why I was mad at them.  Again, I tried to be general, but had to end up being specific.  I said "Grandma and Granddaddy thought that Daddy and I lied about something.  Now they know we didn't, but they won't say they are sorry."  He said ok, and life went on.  He just wanted to know what was going on and why.  Sweeping it under the rug made him anxious and insecure.  Once he had an explanation, he was good to go.  He still enjoys going to their house.

[RedRose]

Glitterati,
No, you are not responsible for your husband's and mother's relationship.
But, do you want to help them get closer and get over what pulled them apart?

[Glitterati]

Glitter, you don't think that when you're married you can't sway your spouses way of thinking?  You don't think you are responsible at all?  I don't blame just my dil, I blame my son.  In fact, lately I've been down right p____d off at him, & I let him know it!!!  How dare he treat me the way he has been when I've done nothing to deserve it.  In my case my dil is off the wall with her thinking.  she is very selfish & controlling, that does not mean that my son has to go along with her.  HE is responsible for HIS actions, SHE is responsible for HERS.  It is both of them, not one or the other, both !!

I do think spouses can have influence.  I do think people make choices about how hard they are willing to have their life be.  I am not buying that it is a dil's responsibility to make sure a husband has a relationship with his parents.

I was very careful not to make my husband choose.  It was enough for me that I knew if I made him choose that he would choose his children and me.  The fact that I wasn't seeing his parents was not the reason he didn't see his parents.  He chose that.  Because he didn't like what they did.   He sees them more now...his choice.  And, I can be honest enough to admit that his time with his parents has cost him some of the respect that I had for him--because they've never owned up to what they did.  They've never said they were one lick sorry.

I KNOW that for a long time they thought the whole reason he was mad at them was to keep me happy.  It wasn't.  If he had been interested in keeping me happy he would have confronted his parents from the get go, instead of reverting to the way their family deals with everything, which is shut up and defer to fil.  If he had been interested in keeping me happy...we would have moved halfway across the country away from them.

[Glitterati]

Glitterati,
No, you are not responsible for your husband's and mother's relationship.
But, do you want to help them get closer and get over what pulled them apart?

Rose...honestly?  No, I don't want to help them get closer or get over what pulled them apart.   I don't want to do it because the ils refuse to be sorry for their part in the whole catastrophe.  Why should they have a reward at my sufference?

[2chickiebaby]

Yes, Anna, the DILs hold the key...they are the Ladies of the Manor.  If they deem fit, we are included, if not, we aren't. 

I think I mentioned the most tragic story of son's friend.  His wife did not like his mother. Bottom line, it was either her or his mother.  One had to go.  His mother went. 

I really thought this guy was going to have a breakdown.  He is over it now but I can tell you, I know his heart....he is deep down devastated and always will be.  His mother was a little different but believe me, not any worse than her mother.  Her mother stays, of course.

[isitme?]

MarriedChick, I feel like I really understand where you are coming from and I have the same questions as you.  I understand all the MILs perspectives here about how it's important for them to maintain a relationship with their son and grandchildren.  I"m like MarriedChick and would never stop my partner from seeing his mother - I know it is an important relationship.  But sometimes I know he wishes his mom had something else in her life to focus on besides him.  It's just not healthy for her to sit around the house all day and obsess about her son and the "bad" things everyone is doing to her.  I feel bad for her but I"m also angered when she blames me for coming between her and her son and tells me I"m not normal because I"m not trying hard enough to have a relationship with her.  No matter what the power dynamic, demanding respect from someone will never get you REAL respect, it may at best get you token respect which is insincere and not really respect at all.  Part of me also wants to say to her "who are you to tell me what's normal?  you want your 39 year old son to be scared of you and to run home every few weeks to sit in front of the tv with you and pretend he is 10 again."  I can't see BF as a real adult anymore - he's just a child to me sometimes... 

It's really really hard to be around someone who is fake nice to you but snipes and behaves very meanly to you behind your back.  I don't blame MarriedChick for not wanting to be around her MIL.  I don't want to be around my FMIL at all anymore but I"m being told I just can't "disengage".  I know that but at the same time, being around her makes me feel so awful, so terrible about myself.  I'm not trying at all to shut my FMIL out her son's life.  I agree with Glitterati that I do not want to be responsible for the relationship between these two, no matter how unhealthy I see it.  And I agree with MarriedChick in that I just can't be phony.  I don't want to have to walk on eggshells around this woman and I know no matter what happens, I"m going to get the blame.  So how do we find a balance?  I never say anything to my BF when he goes home to see his mom, but at the same time, I cant' help but feel hurt that I know he is going home to this childish relationship where I don't exist.  How can I put my trust in a partner who is like this?

MILs - do you expect the relationship with your sons to change now that they are grown up?  What do you see as the difference between your relationship with him as a child and your relationship with him as an adult? 

[Glitterati]

I"m being told I just can't "disengage". 

Yes, you can.  You just might not like what happens.  You have to decide which is more painful...not dealing with her and listening to your dh whine about it because he has to take the full brunt of her nasty behavior--and believe me, you WILL be blamed.  Or sucking it up, taking her abuse (and it IS abuse), making your dh happy, and over the years growing not to respect or even like him at all.

The third choice is to run, run, run.  Sometimes there's just too much crap to put up with to make it worth it.  We should never have to put up with bad behavior from someone because they are family or "that's just the way they are".  Life is too short to be miserable.

[isitme?]

thanks...  you're right Glitterati... those are my options.  I just feel like I need a reality check sometimes because I don't know when I'm overreacting because I've been hurt and when it's acceptable to put up with insults and abuse because it is coming from someone's mother.  Right now I feel like my BF is clinging to this fantasy of having a close happy family and is desperately trying to believe that his mother will change and we can all have that (ironically, this is more what my family is like).  I feel he is being too optimistic about his mother changing to behave in a more rational and respectful manner.  He thinks I'm being too pessimistic when I assume she WON'T change and that we BOTH will have to modify OUR relationship with her and establish some boundaries that we can agree on in order to make this work.  That's what we are in counseling for now.  I am trying to give him some space to work on his individual issues  - but i can see it's hard for him because he clings to any small gesture his mother might make that is positive and tries to ignore all the hurtful stuff.  On the other hand, am I being too pessimistic?  I feel like any "positive" gesture his mother makes is insincere and just a tactic to get everyone to go along with her until she gets upset again and the crazy comes out..  I can't live like that - Life IS too short to be miserable.  I don't want to abandon my BF but if we cant' work this out, I might have to because I don't want to make him choose between me and his mother.  I would send him back to his mother.  But then again, isn't it kind of pathetic for a 39 year old man to need his mother so much that he will put up with all her bad behavior?  I know he is trying to be a "respectful" son and at first I admired him for that.  But now I see that the "respect" he has for her is what I described before.  It's not REAL respect, it's just a token show of subservience to keep her quiet but then he never really tells her anything and it feels like he has this whole other secret life where he does what he wants.  That's not family to me.  And that's not the sort of relationship the MILs on this forum seem to advocate either. 

MILs, what kind of relationship should a son have with a mother like this?  Is it reasonable of her to expect me (as her FDIL) to continue to reach out to her over and over again and never stand up for myself?  I wanted to respect this woman and that is how I tried to start out.  But after all this time, my respect is just gone.  My respect for this whole family is gone but I feel bad that my BF who so desperately wants a happy, close family is never going to have that if he just hangs around with his mom all the time.  Reality check time - am I being unreasonable and a bad DIL by feeling this way?

[Glitterati]

when it's acceptable to put up with insults and abuse because it is coming from someone's mother. 

It's never acceptable.  And, if your bf loved you like he should, he wouldn't want you to be abused.  Abuse is not okay...no matter who it comes from.  It just isn't.

My respect for this whole family is gone but I feel bad that my BF who so desperately wants a happy, close family is never going to have that if he just hangs around with his mom all the time.

He's never going to have that happy, close family because it isn't possible.  People rarely change.  They don't change unless what they are doing becomes too painful to do otherwise or unless something totally life altering happens.

[isitme?]

darn, just wrote out a long reply and lost it....

well - my BF is still clinging to the hope that his mom will change.  He didn't go see her for christmas but went a few days after (not my decision)..... he thinks she is going to change because she realizes he is starting to get mad at her.  She apparently mentioned something about how she wished I would come up for Christmas - I don't think it was meant sincerely but BF doesn't see it that way and it's not my place to say that.  After the way she spoke to me last time, how can she expect me to want to visit her house??  I wish I could just say that to her in a polite way but instead I'm just going to be blamed for being the one to keep the distance.  My BF and his family keep saying "let's have a fresh start", "open yourself up to the possibility that the relationship will improve".... but when they say I should make a fresh start, I feel like they are just telling me to forget all the nasty mean things they have done to me in the past and move closer so that they can kick me again.  How many times can you "start over" with someone before you decide enough is enough?  I realize my BF's point that we can never stop trying because this is his mother.  But this has now entered the realm of the absurd I think....  I don't know how we are going to reach a compromise on this because we just will never have the same opinion about his mother.  I wanted to have a good relationship with her but the more I learn, the more I realize maybe I just can't and we'll have to live with that.  I will never try to interfere in the relationship my BF has with his mother because it's not right for me to do that but at the same time, it just sickens me. 

[cremebrulee]

isitme, I totally understand, and feel that you've been more then obliging...as I mentioned before, once you've been hurt, it is very hard to trust again...very hard, it's like an infidelity to the soul when someone breaks that trust...

yes, it is his mother, but she was and is abusive, you cannot be responsible for her sitting around feeling sorry for herself b/c her son isn't there any longer...lady I admire your compassion and understanding...but I fear, if you marry this man, the problems you are facing now, are nothing compared to what they could be....

first, it's up to him to keep friends with her if he wants to...but it's not up to you to do the same...you have choices...but after your married, you may not...and I could be wrong...I hope I am...

one more thing...you can only feel sorry for someone for so long...and then one has to look out for themselves....