MIL makes me regret trying

[Bride2Be]

I expect respect and that's it.  My MIL thinks there should be more than that.  She thinks I should really be apart of her life.  She won't back off, she calls me daughter in law and I hate it.  I feel like I've made a mistake in marrying my husband sometimes because I have to deal with her.  I'm not really looking forward to Christmas Eve and I've finally decided that I won't attend.  I don't want to cook, or be disrespected by being call "daughter in law".  I know this may seem like a silly thing to feel disrespected by, but I'm sure if I called her a name, no matter how true it is, she wouldn't like it she would be hurt.  I'm just hopeful that one day she will recognize the truth and stop trying.

[cremebrulee]

"""I was hoping one of you ladies could share some light on why some MILs say whatever they want and then looked shock and are hurt when they don't get the reaction they wanted.  Can anyone help me with that? """


I'm starting to think of it this way...it's making me wonder alot.

Speaking to your situation...do you think it's because as a mom...she's used to expecting people to do what she says and now that that isn't happening it's causing problems for her?

I don't believe most MIL's say what they want...are rude, and nasty...I know so many DIL's and MIL's who get along famiously.  However, a MIL who challenges her DIL is wrong...or a DIL who challenges her MIL is wrong.

Me, I never said much at all to DIL, scared to death that I would offend her...she's so moody, and she has cut her mother and sister out of her life, countless times...it's her way or the highway...whatever she's angry at me about, were words that went from my son to her...he asked me about situations and I told him what happened, but she turned around and lied instead of taking ownership...right there was the first clue that she had no intention of trying.

In my case, my DIL's mission was from the very beginning to get me out of they're lives...and it took her 12 years...but she finally accomplished that...sad, very sad...she wasn't happy allowing my son to come visit me alone....was I hurt when that happened, sure I was, I wanted her there with us...at that point in time, I wanted to believe this wasn't happening, that maybe it was something I did. 

but it got to much for her, I saw my son, one day out of a year, and she couldn't stand that,  she decided this was working in her favor, we were having an entire day together without her, so, by pretending to tollerate me, she continued her mission by pushing me, and contrlling the visits...when she started comeing along, the visits became shorter and shorter....yes, control has a lot to do with it...but there are many other things going on as well

I work with more girls that are young DIL's then older woman my age...and I get along with them just fine...they are lovely girls, and they are so good to their MIL's.  They love them, and I do believe there are moreGood MIL/DIL relationships then bad ones...as I said once before, I never knew this type of thing happened until it happened to me, and I found these web sites.

[cremebrulee]

I expect respect and that's it.  My MIL thinks there should be more than that.  She thinks I should really be apart of her life.  She won't back off, she calls me daughter in law and I hate it.  I feel like I've made a mistake in marrying my husband sometimes because I have to deal with her.  I'm not really looking forward to Christmas Eve and I've finally decided that I won't attend.  I don't want to cook, or be disrespected by being call "daughter in law".  I know this may seem like a silly thing to feel disrespected by, but I'm sure if I called her a name, no matter how true it is, she wouldn't like it she would be hurt.  I'm just hopeful that one day she will recognize the truth and stop trying.

Have you ever tried talking with her, and telling her the things you don't like?

[RedRose]

MarriedChick09,
I didn't change the topic...What I and the other Mil's tried to show you is our experiences with our dil's. Sometimes I cannot react to your situation the way you want because all I can see is a problem for the rest of your life. If you and your MIL cannot find a way to get along...if you can't see yourself ever finding any good in your MIL...if you never want to share your time...your husband (her son)...and probably your future grandchildren...it will only cause a lot of unhappiness.
If I was you I would never stop trying...no matter how much you feel you regret it now.

[cremebrulee]

MarriedChick09,
I didn't change the topic...What I and the other Mil's tried to show you is our experiences with our dil's. Sometimes I cannot react to your situation the way you want because all I can see is a problem for the rest of your life. If you and your MIL cannot find a way to get along...if you can't see yourself ever finding any good in your MIL...if you never want to share your time...your husband (her son)...and probably your future grandchildren...it will only cause a lot of unhappiness.
If I was you I would never stop trying...no matter how much you feel you regret it now.

I think these are good points, adding...if you would sit down and discuss this issue with her, and she tells you things that you have done to hurt her, you can't take it as a personal attack against your character...you have to explore together, you and her, what it was that you misintereded...and believe me, a lot of this stuff is all 2nd guessing and petty little stuff that sometimes, was taken the wrong way

I would love to sit down and talk with my DIL and find out, what it was that started all this stuff...but she refuses...which also sends a message loud and clean, she has no intention of even wanting to change the situation...

[isitme?]

she calls me daughter in law and I hate it. 

Does she refer to you directly as "daughter-in-law"?  How rude!    Can you just call her "Mother-in-law" back?  Or will that cause too much of a ruckus? 

I understand your desire for respect.  My FMIL also disrespects me but DEMANDS respect - which for her means letting her control absolutely everything AND putting up with her verbal abuse in silence.  I've been taught to respect my elders, and it sounds like you have too, so it's very hard for me to go against this.  But at the end of the day, any "respect" I show her is not going to be genuine...it's not real respect.  And that makes me sad because not only does it fuel this cycle, it also goes against my beliefs and has destroyed what chance there may have been to have a relationship with her.  Then again, it's also quite possible that you just can't have a real relationship with people like this.   

I'm sorry your MIL is so nasty to you - I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays regardless.... 

For the MILs who keep on suggesting that we try to sit down with our MILs and try to 'talk' about our differences or what hurts us.....I think this would work if we had an MIL like you.  Unfortunately, marriedchick's MIL sounds like mine - will never admit there is a problem, deny everything, and then turn around and blame/abuse you.  Kind of like those of you who have tried to talk to your DIL's and been rebuffed....  there is no talking to some people. 

Thinking about some of the MILs comments about how their DILs have also cut off their own family.... can we see this kind of behavior in terms of the big picture?  I've seen this not only in my BF's family but also in my best friend's family - which is VERY similar to BF's (their mom's are even friends!).  No extended family, children don't talk to the parents honestly (if at all), siblings don't talk to each other honestly, husband doesn't honestly speak to wife etc. etc.    There is a larger pattern here...

[isitme?]

Anna, I'm sorry your DIL is like this.

My family is like yours - we may have our fights but we work it out and forgive and move on.  BF's family has two modes:  walk on eggshells or sit quietly while mother rages/has tantrums.  My best friend's family is the same way...she and her sister once got into a fight when she brought home the wrong ingredients for a pie recipe her sister was making and the two didn't speak for a YEAR.  I'm still a newbie when it comes to BF's family but I"ve witnessed my best friend's family over a lifetime and can see the similarities..

The conclusion I have drawn, though it may seem very judgmental, is that these families are dysfunctional.  It sounds like your DIL's is as well.  When a child grows up in a dysfunctional family, they don't understand the difference between what is healthy and not healthy...they just learn to accept what is in front of them.  It's very sad.  It's hard to break that cycle of dysfunction but it can happen.  I'm hoping me and BF can figure out a way and I pray everyday that my best friend can too (I won't even begin to describe the mess she has landed herself in because of her family...).  With your DIL, I don't know.  It's hard to step in and do anything but it must be tough because you don't want your son or grandchildren growing up in a dysfunctional family.  I think the best thing we can do is just try to provide unconditional love and support so that the victims of dysfunction can see what that looks like..

Your situation sounds very sad Anna.  It sounds like you have really tried to be there for your DIL, even up to admitting you have made your mistakes.  It's a shame she can't see beyond her own insecurities to realize that....

[Bride2Be]

The last time I wanted to talk to her was int he summer and she said she didn't want to talk about the past so I dropped it. 

I told my husband yesterday I just wasn't sure what he was expecting from me as far as his mother but I felt that him and his mother were taking it too far.  I told my husband I would try to be civil with is mother but then she started asking can she buy me Christmas gifts.  I have NEVER wanted anything and have felt offended when she took it upon herself to get me something anyway. I also told him that I would leave whatever day he was going to have his mother over so he can celebrate with her.  Well that wasn't good enough for him.  He said, "I don't want my wife to leave on Christmas, I'll just tell my mom not to come by."  So that's not my decision for her not coming over, it's his.   I just want her to respect me and let me get over the stupid things she has said to me.  I have never had to continually deal with someone I didn't like.  I have always been able to get that person out of my life and move on.  But not this time. 

I just don't like her and I don't know how to get over that feeling or if I even want to.  I don't want to put myself in the same position as before and allow her to say what she wants and thinks she can say to me.  I wish she wouldn't talk to me at all but she just won't stop.  I just want peace.  I'm tired.

[isitme?]

Marriedchick - i feel like we have very similar experiences - except I"m not married yet.  I went into this wanting to think the best and hoping to have a good relationship.  I've only been kicked over and over again and now I"ve had enough but dont' know what to do.  For the MILs who suggest we never give up for the sake of our partners/their sons, I understand the point.  But don't these women realize that with their behaviors, they are driving their sons away?  Your husband is not going to spend christmas with his mother, he's going to spend it with you.  You could have all spent it together but HER behavior makes you unwilling to be around her and you can't be blamed for that - you should not have to tolerate abuse.  In the end though, she's the one that loses.  My BF tells me he's working his way up to some kind of "confrontation with his parents".  I have no idea what he means by that and I'm terrified that it will lead to some kind of additional rift....But in the end who gets the blame?  US...  This makes me very sad and it makes me sad for you too.  We try to tolerate these women because we want to do the right thing by family, but all that happens is that we get shat on in the process and the family STILL erodes even further.  I want to break this cycle of dysfunction but I don't know how.   

Same with the MILs and their difficult DILs - how do we manage this level of dysfunction?  Is there a way to stay out of it but still provide support?

[Bride2Be]

MarriedChick09,
I didn't change the topic...What I and the other Mil's tried to show you is our experiences with our dil's. Sometimes I cannot react to your situation the way you want because all I can see is a problem for the rest of your life. If you and your MIL cannot find a way to get along...if you can't see yourself ever finding any good in your MIL...if you never want to share your time...your husband (her son)...and probably your future grandchildren...it will only cause a lot of unhappiness.
If I was you I would never stop trying...no matter how much you feel you regret it now.

My husband sees his mother when he wants to, not in my control.  She sees my kids every week almost and takes them pretty much where ever she wants, I don't care.  I don't want to share my time with her and I don't see why I would.  I don't spend time with people I don't get along with and she is someone with whom I don't get a long with.  I just don't want her thinking we are friends or we are getting "close".  I wish I could find a way to explain to her that she doesn't have to like me just because I'm married to her son and I have her grandkids.  That does not make me feel like anything other than replaceable to her and that's fine.  But as a DIL to hear my husband's mother clearly state that "only because she's with my son is the reason she cares".  WOW is all I can really say to that.  I figure if you don't like me, don't pretend, just be honest up front.  I can respect that a whole lot more than liking me "just because".  If she doesn't like me she should have just not spoke to me, but to pretend she likes and cares for me just because she thinks I will "take her son and grandkids" is absolutely ridiculous and hurtful.  I have never and will never do that. 

What's so hard about baking off and accepting that you just don't get along with someone no matter how much you think you should??  Where is this entitlement feeling coming from and how do DILs get involved?  Why do MILs think that a DIL has to like and and has to spend her time with you?  These are real questions that have been burning a hole in me and I can't get a straight answer from anyone.

I guess I'm just the cruel DIL who is so set on being mean to my husband's mother (not really).  I know I'm not.  I'm just different than my husband's mother and would appreciate her respecting that for a change and back off.  I'm not asking her to stop seeing the kids, or stop my husband from seeing her (any woman who is able to stop their husband from seeing their mother has a weak husband, IMO).  I just want her to realize we aren't compatible and that it's OK that we aren't.

[Pen]

MarriedChick, I applaud your understanding of your husband's and grandkids desire to see your MIL even if you don't want to. That's more than a lot of the MILs here get. And I totally understand not wanting a forced friendship with your MIL...I'm not particularly interested in palling around with my DIL, either - the only things we have in common are an interest in DS (her DH) and good food

However, I worry in my own situation that at some point DS will not want to have that divide anymore (visiting mom w/o DIL), and being the loving husband he is, our contact will be less and less. Is there no way DILs can "suck it up" occasionally and make that duty visit to MIL? Can all sides try to be pleasant and find common ground for a few hours?

[RedRose]

MarriedChick09,
It is always a grandmother's concern that time with her grandchildren and son will be taken away if she cannot get along with her dil. She'll want some type of relationship with you...like it or not. 
What is so hard about tolerating each other during the times you are together. She loves her family. Can you deny that?
As your children get older they will know how you feel about her and how she feels about you. They will not only see it...they will feel it in their hearts too. Like Anna said, "I think they are hurt far more than anyone knows when the people they love have conflict."

[Bride2Be]

My children know we don't get along.  The truth hurts.  I can't change the past.  I can only move forward without the past.

I don't deny she loves her family, but I'm not her family.  I have never stopped her from seeing my husband and kids so I don't see why that wouldn't be enough.  That's my problem.  I feel like she wants way more from me than is really necessary.  She has access to the most important things in my life, my kids and husband.  I think that's more than enough and it's her family so she's got everything she wants, where do I come in to play in that situation?  My time is my time and it's really annoying for his mother to think she is entitled to any of my time for any reason. 

You're right Anna, you don't have to like someone to be kind.  I feel like I'm being kind when I don't say a word about him and the kids being with her.  I'm not making her feel uncomfortable by knowing there is someone who doesn't really like her in her home.  I stay away. 

Why do MILs think that a DIL has to spend time with them?  Why are we bad DILs if we don't spend time with you? 

[2chickiebaby]

MarriedChick,
What do you want us to say?  Without you, there is no relationship with her son.  He will eventually quit coming over and quit period.  It just IS.  You don't realize at your age what you're doing to her.  If she's a human being, she knows you don't like her.  Why can't you pretend you like her? 

If you had a boss at work, you'd pretend to the nines that you liked her; why don't you do that?  We go through hell with our DILs and it hurts more than you will ever know. 

Your posts make me so sad for your Mother in law.  I don't even know her but I can feel what she must feel.  Heartbreaking. 

[Bride2Be]

Well if she allows someone to stop her relationship with her son, that's her and her son's problem.  I will not take the blame if their relationship ends (which it won't).  I don't do phony very well and I won't pretend to like anyone just so they feel better.  That's why I don't like her now.  She has pretended to like me so I won't take her son and grandkids away.  WOW, who's giving who the power??

As far as a boss that's a not something I can equate to dealing with his mother.  At least after working with a boss you don't like you get a pay check.  I don't get paid for tolerating her nor does she with me.


If age has anything to do with it, than she should be the older and supposedly more mature woman she is and realized her mistakes early on and stopped.  If age really has anything to do with not liking someone than she should be old enough to know that lying to people for your own personal benefit is wrong.

I just want to know why do MILs think that DILs have to spend time with them?  Would you really want someone around you who doesn't like you, smiling in your face while they really detest the sound of your voice?  That can't be fulfilling at all.  Why not just spend the time with people who really want to be with you and not concern yourself with whom ever doesn't like you?

I guess I'm just frustrated but I'm glad my husband has decided to let it go and keep us apart.