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MIL makes me regret trying

Started by Bride2Be, December 18, 2009, 04:47:47 PM

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2chickiebaby

DITTO...same song for me, 50th verse. 

2chickiebaby

Do you think there might be a chance that DIL is all bark and no bite, Anna?  I'm just wondering.

I do not know what the excessive need for control is, though. Both mine have it. One is just kinder (to me) with hers.  I do not know how to do the control thing.  It is always a shock to me. 

I'm just wondering if she is trying to control everyone because she feels so badly about herself that otherwise she'll drown?  Does your son realize that she is insecure?  I guess he does if he lives with her.

I'm just guessing, it might not be insecurity. If she's heard this kind of talk at home, she is probably patterning it.  Your son has most likely gotten used to it. 

 

RedRose

Anna...He sounds like he is exactly like my son...if he doesn't go along with her it will start a fight. He rather be silent and keep the peace.

2chickiebaby

Anna, I can see that your DIL has such insecurity!!  She is desperately trying to hold it together.  That is her issue...abandoned?  Clear as glass.  I know it's infuriating but if you could look at it from that angle, maybe it could be more tolerable?  I don't know. 



Mine lived with us for a short time (she hated her parents).....I told her not to do that.  Anyway, I think I mentioned the "death grip" hold she had on son's hand in the first engagement photo. 

2chickiebaby

I think that's the way abused children act.  It's true....they push those that love them to the edge to see if they will leave.  Maybe they are terrified of closeness. Maybe mine is too.  I don't know.  It's an idea, though. 

isitme?

screaming and that kind of verbal abuse or any kind of emotional blackmail is NEVER acceptable.  Either from an MIL or DIL?  So how do we deal with this?  Esp. when we've got son/husband in the middle trying to make everyone happy....
I think on another thread we mentioned the men's role in this mess and how their unwillingness to rock the boat can sometimes make us feel even worse.   :-\


2chickiebaby

Isitme...we don't have a choice, we have to allow her to do this to gain access to our GC and son.  We don't have the luxury of telling her off.  If we ignored her, she'd be telling son how mean we are. If we yelled, the same.  I have been advised to not engage her.  I think that good advice.  I have to tolerate her.  Son and GC mean too much to us.

I'm hoping to find some kind of way to see thru her instead of hating to be around her.  We're all insecure about something.  These people, though, are different that just being insecure. 

cremebrulee

QuoteAnna, RedRose, I, like you & Chickie, loved my dil in the beginnig.  thought she was just the best thing ever. 

It is ironic how we all have similar DIL's from the very same kind of background.  And our sons as well, seem to be so kind, loyal and wanting to help the underdog.

I remember when they first met, was so so happy they were getting married and I loved her.  It didn't matter to me that her mother abandoned her, she was living alone in an apartment and making it.   But, right away, my son, was shampooing her carpets, bought her a new TV...helped her pay off her debts...

Amazing...which also helps me understand even more, why she's so darn insecure.  She owns my son and her daughter...very territorial.  And she is snappy...she's either in a really really good mood, or a bad one...no inbetween.  And, she needs an excessive amount of attention..all the time, she must have center stage...

Glitterati

Someone in this thread mentioned control.  I do think many things are about control...and I think some is generational differences.  Younger generations are tired of doing things because that's how it's always been done.  I guess it's selfish...but we're tired of being tradition bound if it always means sacrificing our own happiness.

In our case I can say our schedules are not as flexible as the grandparents since all the grandparents are retired.  We did many, many things with both them and to accommodate them for a very long time.  Even to the point of doing things that we did not enjoy to accommodate them--like traveling all over creation at the holidays.  (That we do NOT do anymore.  We never enjoyed it.  DH never enjoyed it as a child.  We are not passing that on to our kids.  We want them to enjoy the holidays.  And, frankly, we'd like to enjoy them, too.)  I think it suck that only now in their mid and late 60's--after both sets of parents are gone, do my ils finally get to have Xmas in their own home.  They NEVER had Xmas at home with their kids because of all the travel.  And, on top of it...their kids don't have happy memories of it.  So, it's not like they provided their kids with traditions they'd remember fondly.

We're not operating that way now.  We're doing it as we like it--be it the holidays or anything else.  We'll try to make some accommodations along the way.  We're not doing things simply because it's tradition.  We're not doing stuff very often if it's going to be mind-numbingly boring or no fun at all.  Occasionally, yes.  Frequently, no.  And we just don't care if it hurts anyone's feelings anymore.

I'm willing to share...but this is my family.  DH and I come first.  If there is a limited amount of time to be spent with the kids because of school, work, and life in general...then we come first.  I don't mind having gps at my house every once in a while, but I don't want other people in my house 24/7.  Many times we are tired and don't want to make arrangements to travel all over the place or else the kids have activities.  I'm not making the kids blow off soccer or karate or anything else (barring sickness or death or a funeral) to accommodate any schedule but mine and dh's.

DH and I both watched our parents for years step to the gp tune.  There were lots of times when it wasn't fun for the parents, and times when it wasn't fun for us as grandkids.  I'm just not willing to do that.

I can't say if that speaks to anyone's situation here...I know it definitely is not applicable at all to some situations here.  It's just a window into another point of view from the other side.

cremebrulee

Quote from: Anna on December 21, 2009, 06:33:19 AM
Chickie, yes I remember about the death grip hold.  I understand that dil has issues, BUT we were not the cause.  We helped her in any & every way we could.  You'd think after being with son almost 11 years she would get over it already.  She knows we are not like her mother.  She knows that WE have not abandoned her, or our son. although she has given us plenty of reason to do just that.  almost like shes trying to push us so hard that we will do the same thing to prove to herself that all families will bail if pushed to hard, to justify what her mom did to her.  Not going to happen, we have told son all of his life that we will always be there for him.  ALWAYS.  We will do that for dil too, if she would just open her heart.

She's probably afraid to, deep down inside, she is also afraid of sharing your son, allowing him to close...yanno?  Since there is an insecurity issue, I believe our DIL's sabatoged our relationship, b/c she feared that she wouldn't be loved by us?  I think there aremany reasons why they act as such and not one...

2chickiebaby

The very same DILs, Creme.  Identical.  It's hard to deal with!  Never know what kind of mood she will be in. 

If any of us say anything like: "Mary is soo good with kids!"  Son will say, "so is DDIL"

If we say, "Sue is such a good cook"  Son says: "So is DDIL"

It's the same pattern. 

I've tried pouring on the compliments and it doesn't take. 

2chickiebaby

Thank you for sharing that, Glitter.  We're probably more your parent's age so yes, we did a lot of doing for others.  I said in one of my posts that I don't regret it and would do it all over again. 

My kids have great memories of all the runnings too. Right now, I'm just preparing myself for whatever the DIL decides is okay.  That will have to do.

The new thing about doing what makes you happy is one some of us don't understand yet.  It's being taught to us now and we'll have to figure it out.  Some of the MILs here do understand the concept.

2chickiebaby


Bride2Be

Hmmm...not really sure how this topic turned in to "Why do our DILs want to control us"  Is that what some of you ladies got from what I said??  Do you think all DILs want to control you and their sons?  I just want respect and to me respect is when my husband's mother comes into my home, she gives me the same respect that she would want in her own home.  That's it.  I just want respect.

My MIL tried pouring on compliments and it seemed cheap.  It seemed like she was just trying to be nice to get her way (she wants me to fawn over her), not because she genuinely felt that way.  She would make comments like "Well I'm not going to do say that to you because you'll just get mad at me."  Well questioning me about every little thing I do, why I do it, why don't I do it her way and saying well you'll see it won't work your way does not help at all. 

I'm not here to bash I was just venting and this topic turned into something out of left field.  I was hoping one of you ladies could share some light on why some MILs say whatever they want and then looked shock and are hurt when they don't get the reaction they wanted.  Can anyone help me with that?  Do you MILs expect your DIL to treat you the exact same way your son does??   

Sorry for being a DIL...I don't feel very liked here once again. But I'm not leaving this time.  I'm not a cruel DIL.  I am a grown woman who deserves respect as a mother just as you MILs do and I expect that respect from my MIL just as she does from me.

Glitterati

"""I was hoping one of you ladies could share some light on why some MILs say whatever they want and then looked shock and are hurt when they don't get the reaction they wanted.  Can anyone help me with that? """


I'm starting to think of it this way...it's making me wonder alot.

Speaking to your situation...do you think it's because as a mom...she's used to expecting people to do what she says and now that that isn't happening it's causing problems for her?