Grandson in hospital but I can't take the drama and demands anymore

[Pooh]

Getting it all down and "on paper" so to speak, helps most of us, so don't feel like you're ranting.  It's therapautic and necessary.  That's what this site is all about.  Getting it out, learning to heal so we can take care of ourselves and move on to enjoy life. 

[Pen]

When you change yourself by moving on with your life, you will change the dynamics in the family. Since the dynamics aren't so great right now it could be a positive thing for all involved, eventually. Keep reading & posting!

[Stardust]

OMG! It never ends!   

My other DIL (the one married to my younger son) just called me to tell me she just found out that she has cervical cancer.  She doesn't know what stage it's at, yet. She has to go in for more tests. Hopefully it's only the very early stages so a hysterectomy is all that will be needed. She's 35 and has 3 children (from a previous marriage - all teenagers) and has had her tubes tied for a long while now, so a hysterectomy for her isn't something that would be terrible to have, so I'm looking at that as a positive.

Unfortunately, my son lives here in Canada and she's in the States. She was here for a few years trying to get residency, but while living here, she kept having to renew visitor visas every 6 months... and then for no particular reason, the last was denied, so a year ago in April she had to go back to the States. Her and my son plan on having her reapply for Canadian residency next spring when he gets his tax refund to pay for it. They'll do it this time while she's living in the States (makes it easier and a bit cheaper), plus it's a lot quicker to get approved that way.

Unfortunately, it would be so much better for her to be here with this situation now, since having the cancer taken care of wouldn't cost her anything up here. She did have medical insurance for while, but my son said she didn't have the $400 she needed to pay for it last month, so lord knows she may not even be covered anymore. She is covered under his medical insurance plan here in Canada, but he has to check to see if the insurance company would actually cover her expenses since she's currently living in the states.

What a mess! I'm praying that everything works out well in the end.

[Pen]

So sorry to hear this, Stardust. I will be sending good thoughts out to the universe that all will work out for you and yours. {{{hugs}}}

[Stardust]

Thank you. And Thanks to everyone for their encouragement and advice. I'm doing my best to stay in the present moment. Release the past and keep my mind out of the future. I know how the mind likes to make up all kinds of horrific stories. As they say -one day at a time and I'm determined to make each of my days have as much happiness in them as I can.

All the best...

[Pooh]

Sending good thoughts and warm hugs to you!

[Ruth]

I'm with you each day in my thoughts and prayers, Stardust, your story deeply touched me.  Some of us seem to go thru life with a target on us and there's no answers why in this life.  I believe you have a firm handle on all these situations and the sadness and disappointment and loss are the barriers between you and peace.  But those are crosses that heal over time, where bitterness and blame and hate do not.   This time will pass in your life and your GS will grow older and decide he wants his GP's and you will get the opportunity to give all the love and gifts you may have been deprived for a time.  Your DIL has such huge issues in her life, its too broad for you to attempt to unravel.  I can't even mentally find words to express the sponge bath issue.  That is just off the scale nuts!   However, having spent a considerable amount of the in excruciating pain his hospital myself (once I laid in a hospital bed for a week and REFUSED to allow a nurse to come near me with a basin of water, any movement caused me so much pain that they just left me alone and I didn't even change out of my clothes during that week, and yes I also had my husband stay up one entire night rubbing my back because that was the only way I could keep from shooting myself the muscle spasms were so severe and I don't know how he was able to keep it up) but when in crisis human beings act out all kinds of crazy.   This explains your GS possibly.  Meaness is a different issue when I see with your DIL.   Your DS is in her world and that's his reality right now.  Please quiet your own fears with prayer, and be comforted that so many other people do likewise in your behalf.  You're shouldering a great load and there are special graces for us in those times.  Thankfully cervical cancer is high on the cure scale, and this will draw you closer to the two healthy love relationships in your life, you will be able to bask in giving care that is gratefully received.  It will help heal you. 

[Stardust]

Thanks for the hugs - they're always good.  my neighbor brought me some fresh cut gladiolas from her garden yesterday. As she said, I have many friends who care about me and know how much I've done for my OS, DIL and GS over the years, and reminded me to always remember that.

Yes Ruth, my DIL does have a lot of issues, especially from childhood. She did see a psychologist for several months back in 2006 when her and my son were separated. She said it helped her, but she also refused to talk about the deeper issues that had affected her when she was younger (she's the one who told me that). In any case, I still saw the same patterns repeating, so I'm not sure how much it actually helped.

In any case, today is a beautiful sunny day. We're going to my YS place for a visit and dinner this afternoon and I'm going to focus on the good and happy things in my life. As they say, whatever you focus on expands... if I want better things to happen in my life, that's where I need to focus.

All the best...

[herbalescapes]

You have my sympathy.  I second the motion that you should get some counseling in how to deal with the issue.  You can't control other people, so focus on what YOU can do to change your response to their stimulus.  The reality is, your son and his GF are your GS's parents and they do control a lot that goes on in his life.  You may not like their decisions or feel slighted especially after all you've done for them, but that is reality. 

I think you list a lot of legitimate complaints, but some illegitimate ones too.  Others have covered giving your GS and even DS's GF a break in the hospital.  Granted, it would be easier to cut her a break if she weren't so selfish all the time, but you certainly don't need more grievances against her. 

I think your DH was totally out of line taking GF to task in front of GS.  I understand years of pent up frustration coming to a boil; she probably deserved everything your DH said and more, but not in front of the child. 

Should DS have brought GS upstairs while DH and OS were playing a violent video game?  Sure, but DH and OS should also have sent GS out of the room themselves. 

I sympathize with having to find out about GS's condition on facebook, but that is the way things are these days.  Had DS called and left you a voicemail about the situation would you have complained?  Probably not.  Twenty-five years ago, though, many people would have been outraged that such sensitive information was left on a machine.  Technology changes what is socially acceptable.  Email thank you notes are much more acceptable these days than a decade ago.  Had you not been friends with DS on facebook, that would be another story. 

You mentioned your DS is still upset about your divorce nearly two decades ago.  That is something you should explore with a counselor - maybe some day with DS, too.  Do you have any idea why he blames you?  Did you try to protect him from the truth about your marriage to the extent it appeared everything was great and you threw away a perfectly good marriage?  It's a tough line to straddle.  You don't want to badmouth your ex to his sons, but you don't want to sugarcoat the situation too much.  I know of a few cases where the wife was being physically abused, but the kids never knew this.  They figured mom left dad just because she was bored or selfish or whatever. 

Were you taught by nuns?  I was, so I have this habit (no pun intended) that if I want to criticize something or someone, I take the time to play devil's advocate against my complaints.  I come up with a list of hard facts why I am justified in my complaints.  This can give the impression that I walk around with a list of grievances in my head.  You have a lot of facts to show how unappreciative your DS and GF have been over the years.  Are you holding a grudge constantly or were you just drawing on memory to make your point?  This would be something to discuss with a counselor.  If you do keep a tally of what you gave and how unappreciative the recipients have been, that is unhealthy behavior for you.  A gift needs to be freely given.  It's been pointed out that you have enabled DS and GF.  I do understand it's hard to let your kids - especially if they have kids! - to struggle.  You need to identify whether you enabled them because you couldn't do the tough love (which is perfectly understandable) or to keep them dependent or feed your own sense of being needed. 

I know I sound pretty harsh (remember, I was taught by nuns); I'm not trying to blame you for DS and GF's selfishness.  If you want to fix your situation, you have to be honest about your role in the situation.  Again, I stress finding a counselor for yourself.

I hope things work out and you are able to have a close relationship with both GC. If there is a rift, look online for ways you can try to stay in touch and be able to demonstrate to your GC down the line if they come knocking in a few decades wondering why you abandoned them.  Keep a journal written to them.  Send them letters and pcs.  Set up an email account for them and write to them every week.  Never criticise their parents, of course.  This way you can show that you were always thinking of them.  There are plenty of sites out there about staying in touch with physically distant GC; you can adapt them to your situation if needed.  It would probably make you feel better. 

Good luck. 

[herbalescapes]

check with the hospital your GS is in.  I know some of the hospitals near me allow you to go to their website and make a greeting that the hospital will print out and deliver.  If they have something like that, you can stay in touch with your GS even when you can't make the trip. 

I hope he is doing well and good luck with everything. 

[Stardust]

Wow... just... wow. I actually woke up this morning feeling pretty good and starting to get my emotions under control with the situation and then I come here and read this. 

I know very well that I enabled them by giving, giving, giving. It was because I loved my son and GS and hated to see them struggling so much. And when I say giving - I'm not talking "gifts" here either. This was constant requests for help and money by them over and over with no appreciation in return for anything. And still, when I did give, I gave freely. That doesn't excuse THEM from treating me like a walking ATM machine and servant to snap their fingers and do for them whenever they please.

And I am also very aware of whatever parts I've played in this decade long drama. But right now, the fact that my grandson nearly DIED and my son didn't call me to tell me about such a serious event is going too far. Posting updates on FB is fine as far as I'm concerned since it keeps everyone informed. And posting what happened is also fine, if that's what he wants to do... it was the fact he couldn't be bothered to inform his family personally about something so severe.

I know I sound pretty harsh (remember, I was taught by nuns); I'm not trying to blame you for DS and GF's selfishness.

Really? Because I find that when someone says "I'm not trying to... whatever" that is exactly what they're doing and they know it, otherwise they wouldn't try to deny it. 

If there is a rift, look online for ways you can try to stay in touch and be able to demonstrate to your GC down the line if they come knocking in a few decades wondering why you abandoned them.

Abandoned them?!? Seriously?  Twice now in a span of a little over a year, we've been shut out of my GS life. My son told me that "I may have given birth to him, but I'm not his mother." and to "have a nice life".

And you know what? I DIDN'T meddle in their business and I DID let them live their lives however they wanted without interfering or giving a ton of advice. That's because my ex-MIL practically ran our lives when I was married to her son. Phone calls 5 to 6 times a day, having to know every little thing that was going on. So I vowed NOT to be that mother/MIL.

Okay, I'm going to stop now and get off these forums. I've already beaten myself up enough over all these years between feeling guilty and heartbroken in how they treat me in return. I don't need to get it here too. As I said, it was actually a pretty good day for me for a change, until I stopped in to see what was posted.

Thank you to everyone else who has been so kind and helpful.  I wish you all the best.

[luise.volta]

This is a "take what you want and leave the rest" Website. You have received a lot of support here and can choose to just ignore anything that doesn't apply. Leaving because you don't like a post is up to you. We can't take you down or hold you up. All we can do is care and share. Sending love...

[pam1]

Stardust, our board motto is "take what you want and leave the rest."  None of us can offer you a magical solution, we can only offer our opinions and experiences.  If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit.

[Rose799]

I've already beaten myself up enough over all these years between feeling guilty and heartbroken in how they treat me in return.

You've been hurt & still are hurting, Stardust.  We all have.  I'm so sorry. 

[Pooh]

Trying to find the right path in our situations is very painful, but a necessary step to healing.  You have to grieve before you can accept that our relationships don't always turn out how we envisioned.  We have to come up with a new vision.

I wish you nothing but the best Stardust and hope your GS makes a full recovery.