March 28, 2024, 12:31:03 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


oh no, could use some advice again..

Started by isitme?, December 13, 2009, 07:51:18 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sassy

How was the couples counseling last night?

QuoteHE is not good because he is going into academics and is not focusing on making tons of money as a doctor and because he is with me.  Or because he needs to lose a few pounds (not really), or he didn't call her, or he "lied" to her about having to go to work and not calling her...what do you call it when someone is constantly berating and belittling you without giving you any opportunity to respond and talking over you when you do try to speak up, no matter how respectfully?

one day we were at FMIL's house and she was just going on and on about what terrible career choices he had made and how he had never done anything worthwhile because he was interested in being an "academic" (like me) which doesn't make any money.... she has NEVER supported him.  To the outside world I think she brags about him, but privately she abuses him like this.  Telling him he has never done anything right.  OMG, he is an MD and also has a JD from Yale!  He once told me that he felt I was the only one who had ever given him any support in his life.

He is always afraid to tell me things he thinks I won't like because he's used to getting back an irrational emotional (and violent he said) response.

they had a horrible conversation last night where all she did was yell at him and all he did was say "okay" from time to time.  Then when he hung up, he said he hated his life and was really depressed.  How can his mom do that to him?

Now I notice my boyfriend will occasionally make negative comments about his mother ââ,¬â€œ about how she has always been this way, how she has never supported him, how she poisons relationships etc. etcââ,¬Â¦ It has never been my intention to do this sort of thing -  I donââ,¬â,,¢t want to control anyone.  I donââ,¬â,,¢t want to destroy any family relationships or poison anyoneââ,¬â,,¢s mind against their parents
I don't think you should have to do this either.  BF gets so depressed after talking to her, including about things that are not related to you, so this is something the counselor should explore.

QuoteI have a harder time trusting him now but I also feel bad seeing this family relationship erode away.

But how can we do that without ruining a relationship between a mother and her son?
You're not ruining their relationship.  You're not the cause of erosion, though its harder for him to maintain denial when he sees the same abuse being dished to you.   This relationship was like this before you.   I think that most of the problems you have are because of BFs own problems with his M.  Not the other way around.

BF knows you're strong, he admires your strength.  He was attracted to you for a reason.  Maybe he thought you could handle her abuse, like you mused.  Or maybe he though you could stand up for yourself, and possibly your strength could also help him stand up for himself when she says the things that make him feel depressed. 

I don't think you can fix BFs relationship with his M.  I do think with time and counselling, it's possible you could help him not be as depressed by what she says to him.

QuoteI did try to say - I respect you - etc. etc.  but she just talked over me or told me "she didn't want to hear it."

felt like BF expected me to form a relationship with her but when he saw it wouldn't happen and that it wasn't really my fault, he changed tack and now just expects me to put up with her abuse the way he does
Right now he is still willing to accept her abusive talk towards him, but as the depression she causes him worsens, he may not. 

What was BF's response when he heard how his mother ignored or talked over what you said (as instucted by him)? Was he pleased that you tried?  Was he disappointed in you, that your (his) words could not calm her?

There are different levels of relationships.  You probably can't be close to MIL. But you don't have to cut her off.  You may be able to handle an occasional phone call where you say what BF suggests (and she talks over it), and an occasional visit, and not take her insults personally.   And not feel like you are responsible for her mood.  Like visits with the family "crazy auntie."   But I think daily phone calls (daily exposure) would affect your ability to be objective and hurt you and your relationship.  Even a 25 minute call is too long, imho. 

I understand it's hard to elicit from BF what he expects of you.  If he expects you to accept regular abuse, or to fix her, that's probably a dealbreaker for a long term future with him.  If he expects you to go through the motions once in a while, and "humor" her (if you will) now and then, as you have been, only you know if that's something you can continue to deal with.

I hope you can determine and articulate what you expect of him, as well.  You may not expect him to address her directly or say "that's not true" when she rails on you to him.  But you may expect he change the subject, or get "a call from work on the other line" and end the call, whenever she does.  If he listens to that regularly, it may well change what he expects of you.

isitme?

Thanks Sassy,
Counseling was good last night.  It was our first time so there was a lot to get out.  I felt comfortable with the counselor and so did BF.  I think he tried to dance around the issue of his mom but she seemed to have it pegged.  We are going separately next week.....

You're right - this is a problem between BF and his mother and I'm hoping counseling will be able to sort it out.  I don't think it would have ever worked to say to him "you need counseling" and certainly there are issues that I need to deal with (the negativity I bring into the relationship....well, it's there for a reason but that doesn't mean I can't work on it).  So hopefully this will help us.  I feel so terrible for him.  I think he's juts been walked over his whole life by her and he thinks it's normal - so he thought it wouldn't be a big deal for me to put up with it either. 

I think BF was pretty shocked at some of the things his mom said - but glad I tried.  He was speechless the time she hung up on me and then a few days after we spoke, when she said I had been disrespectful, I think he was bothered (because he had heard the conversation and knew I wasn't) but at the same time, this is status quo for him.  Let him mom spew her anger and hatred and then shut up and tell her how much you love her.  I can't do this.  I can't kiss someone's feet while they abuse me.  I think this is what currently bothers him the most - that I can't/won't put up with this for much longer.  It makes me very sad and I'm really hoping the counseling helps.  One day at a time i guess...

Sassy

QuoteI can't do this.  I can't kiss someone's feet while they abuse me.  I think this is what currently bothers him the most - that I can't/won't put up with this for much longer.  It makes me very sad and I'm really hoping the counseling helps.
Great news about the counseling.  Especially for the upcoming independant appointments.

Whatever happens, you will know you sincerely tried every angle to both help BF and make this relationship work.


cremebrulee

i am behind you all the way...and agree with Sassy's posst...just know in your heart, that she is missing out on knowing you, it's a big loss for her and be confident always...

Your a great DIL...she should thank God her son found someone like you!

isitme?

Thanks ladies - that means a lot to me coming from both DILs and MILs.   :)