Author Topic: I am a Victim  (Read 5187 times)

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Offline isitme?

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2009, 10:10:21 AM »
thanks cremebrulee,

I don't know if my FMIL would agree to go to counselling EVER - you're right, she'll never see that the problem is her - it's that it is everyone else.

Her problem is not with me but that she is very unhappy.  I had a short conversation with my BF the other day when he said she hated something... I asked if she liked ANYTHING and he said "no, she hates everything."  That made me very sad for her - esp. when he then said that he has started distancing himself for her and will continue to do so.  I tried to diplomatically suggest that it was unhealthy for his mom to be like this and I didn't want to see her so unhappy and has his family ever though of trying to get her some help?  But at the end of the day, it's NOT my place to suggest his mother needs to see a doctor.  I actually really think she needs a psychiatric evaluation but as an outsider, it's not really for me to say that - but I think it's actually abusive to not get your family members the help they may need if something is really wrong.  This family just prefers to gloss over the problem and now they are being torn apart...  My parents were psychiatrists and my father diagnosed my aunt's (my mom's brother's wife..) with schziophrenia 30 years ago - things are still rough but it got her the medication she needed and now we KNOW what the problem is...

I don't think it would ever be an option for ME and FMIL to go to counselling together.  This woman now refuses to even speak to me on the phone although she tells the rest of the family that she "really wants to talk to me".  My hope is that she is able to get counselling for HERSELF so she can learn to be a happy person and her son will want to involve her in our life more.  Maybe it will take meds?  I don't know...  but I'm not optimistic on this front and can only try to love my BF as much as I can and try to accept his family for who they are.  But it sounds like "victim" is trying to get herself some help and to that I say bravo.  Self-awareness is the first step towards recovery sometimes but I don't think my FMIL is capable of that.  I have tried giving her the benefit of the doubt again and again but now I realize that her family has buried their heads in the sand about her for 40 years and as the newcomer, there's not much I can do.   :-\

Aisling

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2009, 10:42:15 AM »
Victim, how're you doing today?  I hope you're feeling better.  I also hope you called your doctor and got an appointment to see him and/or her soon.  I'm looking forward to the day nobody calls you a victim anymore, and I bet you are too.

Offline isitme?

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #17 on: December 09, 2009, 04:22:25 PM »
Survivor, I was also wondering how you are doing.  I see you've changed your screen name so I'm really hoping that's a positive sign?  Have you made an appointment with your doctor?  I hope you are ok.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2009, 08:34:26 PM by isitme? »

Offline isitme?

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2009, 08:15:54 PM »
Wow survivor.  It sounds like you've taken a HUGE step and I'm really impressed!  I hope you are able to figure out how to be happy again soon and I hope your son and DIL can recognize the change and be closer to you!

I think not thinking of yourself as a victim is one of the best things you can do for yourself - glad you changed the name!

Offline Pen

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2009, 06:42:17 AM »
This site is such a good place for support, and I'm glad you found it. You're not alone, Survivor! Thanks for reminding us to take care with how we view ourselves; I know there are times when I fall into 'victim' mode, too, but now I'll immediately think "I'm a survivor!" instead. I hope you find peace and relief through your counseling sessions. If I can find the right practitioner I'll be there, too :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #20 on: December 10, 2009, 10:07:03 AM »
the pain your feeling, is unbearable at times...and it never goes away, there are simply some days that it's not as bad.  You have a right to feel hurt and angry, frustrated and violated...but to hate is wrong...hate only begats hate.  Understandibly, you hate her behavior and what she has done to your relationship, to your life...but try if you can, to fill up the void by healing yourself void of hate.  That is what I do and how I handle it.

Your child will always be your child, no matter what...but you must always remember....we don't own our children...they were gifted us for a short time...and during that time we did the best we could to raise them, support, love, guidence, teaching them morals and how to be polite.  But...there comes a time, when we must let them go, to live their own lives....with or without us.

Sadly, I've been going thru this for 12 - 13 years....it's awful...hurtful and life changing, but you must, let it go...and learn somehow to live with it...life is not always fair...unfortunately, and the women he married is causing so many people so much hurt and pain....she is making him choose, and....to boot, he only wants to make her happy, therefore, he goes where she wants to go, and agrees with her to keep peace...men are peace keeps and scientifically, they can't stand much stress.....so, they do what they can to sleep at night...even if it means, siding with someone who is wrong.  I know plenty of men who are unhappy, but fear they're wives getting angry...so, they appease them in every way they can.  Even our sons....I've read a lot of testimonys by MIL's who have gone thru this...and basically, they're sons were really polite, caring nice people growing up.  These women look for this...not only someone to take care of them, but also, someone who will put up with them.  It's very sad...

I don't have any advice for you and if I were there, I'd hug you and we'd probably both burst into tears...but there is nothing you can do, but be quiet and happy for your son....and don't fall into her traps...b/c what she is trying to do, is make you out to be a bad person...in front of your son.  So, keep your cool, and pretend if you can, that she is simply an aquaintance you can walk away from who is dysfunctional and needs help.  Know that in your heart, b/c a sane person would encourage their husband's to spend quality time with they're mothers and fathers....that's what love is and will always be.

Hugs and luv
Creme

just2baccepted

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2009, 01:05:56 PM »
the pain your feeling, is unbearable at times...and it never goes away, there are simply some days that it's not as bad.  You have a right to feel hurt and angry, frustrated and violated...but to hate is wrong...hate only begats hate.  Understandibly, you hate her behavior and what she has done to your relationship, to your life...but try if you can, to fill up the void by healing yourself void of hate.  That is what I do and how I handle it.

Your child will always be your child, no matter what...but you must always remember....we don't own our children...they were gifted us for a short time...and during that time we did the best we could to raise them, support, love, guidence, teaching them morals and how to be polite.  But...there comes a time, when we must let them go, to live their own lives....with or without us.

Sadly, I've been going thru this for 12 - 13 years....it's awful...hurtful and life changing, but you must, let it go...and learn somehow to live with it...life is not always fair...unfortunately, and the women he married is causing so many people so much hurt and pain....she is making him choose, and....to boot, he only wants to make her happy, therefore, he goes where she wants to go, and agrees with her to keep peace...men are peace keeps and scientifically, they can't stand much stress.....so, they do what they can to sleep at night...even if it means, siding with someone who is wrong.  I know plenty of men who are unhappy, but fear they're wives getting angry...so, they appease them in every way they can.  Even our sons....I've read a lot of testimonys by MIL's who have gone thru this...and basically, they're sons were really polite, caring nice people growing up.  These women look for this...not only someone to take care of them, but also, someone who will put up with them.  It's very sad...

I don't have any advice for you and if I were there, I'd hug you and we'd probably both burst into tears...but there is nothing you can do, but be quiet and happy for your son....and don't fall into her traps...b/c what she is trying to do, is make you out to be a bad person...in front of your son.  So, keep your cool, and pretend if you can, that she is simply an aquaintance you can walk away from who is dysfunctional and needs help.  Know that in your heart, b/c a sane person would encourage their husband's to spend quality time with they're mothers and fathers....that's what love is and will always be.

Hugs and luv
Creme

Creme you must be a therapist or something in that field!  If not your still a wise woman!  I'm glad you're hear.  AnnieB was like this too but she left, I miss her.  It's hard to keep a level head when your in so pain.  I know, I want to look at this differently.  I want to forgive my MIL and give her a big hug if only I knew she would just accept me and quit trying to tear me down.  I just want to know why??  Why is she is doing this?  Why can't she just accept me?  Why can't she accept her own daughter?  What makes her think she's so great and we're all beneath her?? 

I'm getting more nerve wracked b/c I will be forced to see this woman on Christmas Eve.  I don't know how to act or what to say.  I don't know anymore what's appropriate.  Apart of me doesn't care.  I ough to show up with no make-up and not shower for a week, don't brush my hair, in sweats, no brushed teeth and maybe even burp or fart really loud at the dinner table!!  I don't think they'd loath me any more than they do now.  Maybe I'll do that.  I better start eating beans and cabbage today!! (I was crying today about this now I'm laughing, great!)

2chickiebaby

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2009, 01:10:53 PM »
You made me laugh too, Just2be....we're all afraid here ;D

cremebrulee

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #23 on: December 11, 2009, 05:52:17 AM »
Quote
just2baccepted

Creme you must be a therapist or something in that field!  If not your still a wise woman!  I'm glad you're hear.  AnnieB was like this too but she left, I miss her.  It's hard to keep a level head when your in so pain.  I know, I want to look at this differently.  I want to forgive my MIL and give her a big hug if only I knew she would just accept me and quit trying to tear me down.  I just want to know why??  Why is she is doing this?  Why can't she just accept me?  Why can't she accept her own daughter?  What makes her think she's so great and we're all beneath her?? 


Wull thank you so much, but I'm not wise, or a theropist...Just have had a lot of life experiences, some great, some really frumpy,  coupled with counseling...yes, it is difficult because your emotionally involved and it's hard to see things clearly.  I don't believe your MIL thinks she is better then you...personally, my take is, she is a woman with very little confidence and has very little security in her life.  She probably clung to her son...way to much...depended on him for her happiness...believe it or not...a lot of women deem they're children they're whole and only purpose in life...then when it's time for them to get out there and experience life, they loose their purpose.  Your MIL is jealous of you...of the attention you get from her son...she knows her life will have to adjust and this is forcing her to be more independent...the older someone grows, the less they like change....and you, my dear, are that change which is sending off a signal to her system saying...her life as she knew it will never be the same, therefore, she rejects you.
 
However, there is something else...if she is like my DIL...(and believe me, I don't know how much of her is an act, and/or if she truly owns human compassion, b/c at a very young age, she learned to turn her feelings off, a protective mechanism, so she wouldn't hurt when someone left her)  therefore, your MIL, may be so insecure...and dislike herself so much, that she anticipated way in the beginning that you wouldn't like her...therefore, she rejected you, before you rejected her.  Please note, that people do not do things for one reason, but many.  Also, some people are just down right bullies and love controversy b/c that is all they've known all their lives...they don't know how to be happy, and are jealous when others are happy...I know my DIL is...b/c if I make the mistake of looking at my son, while he's talking to me about a subject, she feels left out?????  so she starts to pout...and looks like someone slapped her across the face...then boom, she gets up and storms out...I feel very sorry for her.

The questions you have asked yourself over and over, may never be answered...but someday, you will become so sick and tired of trying that you won't care any longer...and you shouldn't, b/c I promise you, the harder you try, the more she will reject you...these people look upon our patience and endurance as a weakness and the more we try, the more they hate us. 

Actually, she deep down in her soul of souls wishes she could be you...think about that.

There is no magic wand that will someday make this all go away...but the most important thing you must remember is...never say anything to her out of anger...and...walk away before she pushes you into an argument.  That is the one thing I never did, is allowed her to push me into a confrontation...

Consentrate on what you do have, not what you don't...yes, I so wish, I had a wonderful DIL, and we got along.  It's the holidays, and my son's friends have been contacting me and stopping by.  I received the most beautiful letter from one of my son's male friends this morning...thanking me for being me...I sat there and cried...wishing so much my DIL and son could read that letter....wishing they felt the same way...but they never will again...therefore, you take what you can get, and drop every last expectation you have for that relationship ever working out, and try to get thru each day by keeping busy and being productive, and no matter what she says or does to hurt you...remember, she cannot help herself, and she was not as fortunate as you were and grew up in a family where she was loved...Remember if you can...you can't give what you've never known...she probably wants to, but doesn't know how.  Think about it this way...all the energy she is expelling to make you miserable and constantly rejecting you with...can you imagine what it's doing to her system?  I mean, her whole entire being must be off kilter?  It's so easy to hate, and so much harder to know compassion and love...people without knowing so, reject love b/c they are afraid of rejection...in my DIL's case, I think that is one of her biggest fears...therefore, reject me first. 

Quote
I'm getting more nerve wracked b/c I will be forced to see this woman on Christmas Eve.  I don't know how to act or what to say.  I don't know anymore what's appropriate.  Apart of me doesn't care.  I ough to show up with no make-up and not shower for a week, don't brush my hair, in sweats, no brushed teeth and maybe even burp or fart really loud at the dinner table!!  I don't think they'd loath me any more than they do now.  Maybe I'll do that.  I better start eating beans and cabbage today!! (I was crying today about this now I'm laughing, great!)

Where is it written that you have to go...if it legitimately makes you feel that bad...why don't you and your husband create a new tradition and do what you want to do on Christmas?  I mean parents can be so selfish...not even aware that maybe, just maybe they're children would like to stay home for the day, watch they're kids open they're presents and do they're own thing?

I refuse to ever, ever, go to my DIL's home again...my door is never closed to her, but I will never step one foot in her house again...she talks to me, like I'm some scum on her shoe...and then in front of my son, she is so sweet????  That scares me, big time. 

anyway...if you do decide to go, then you and your husband plan something special together either before or after Christmas...start your own tradition...a girl at work is so excited, b/c they are going on a cruise for Christmas....I used to go away to the Bahamas...it was tremendous, and I didn't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of what I should do for Christmas...I read, no clocks, no TV's, no computers....it was fantabulous... ;D

Offline isitme?

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #24 on: December 11, 2009, 07:20:54 AM »

...personally, my take is, she is a woman with very little confidence and has very little security in her life.  She probably clung to her son...way to much...depended on him for her happiness...believe it or not...a lot of women deem they're children they're whole and only purpose in life...then when it's time for them to get out there and experience life, they loose their purpose.  Your MIL is jealous of you...of the attention you get from her son...she knows her life will have to adjust and this is forcing her to be more independent...the older someone grows, the less they like change....and you, my dear, are that change which is sending off a signal to her system saying...her life as she knew it will never be the same, therefore, she rejects you.
 
Please note, that people do not do things for one reason, but many.  Also, some people are just down right bullies and love controversy b/c that is all they've known all their lives...they don't know how to be happy, and are jealous when others are happy...I feel very sorry for her.

...these people look upon our patience and endurance as a weakness and the more we try, the more they hate us. 

Actually, she deep down in her soul of souls wishes she could be you...think about that.

Consentrate on what you do have, not what you don't...therefore, you take what you can get, and drop every last expectation you have for that relationship ever working out, and try to get thru each day by keeping busy and being productive, and no matter what she says or does to hurt you...remember, she cannot help herself, and she was not as fortunate as you were and grew up in a family where she was loved...Remember if you can...you can't give what you've never known...she probably wants to, but doesn't know how.  Think about it this way...all the energy she is expelling to make you miserable and constantly rejecting you with...can you imagine what it's doing to her system?  I mean, her whole entire being must be off kilter?  It's so easy to hate, and so much harder to know compassion and love...people without knowing so, reject love b/c they are afraid of rejection...in my DIL's case, I think that is one of her biggest fears...therefore, reject me first. 


Again with the killer insight Creme Brulee!  I think this is so helpful for learning how to deal with someone who is unhealthy - whether a DIL or MIL.  I feel kind of sorry for your DILs too - the way I've started to feel sorry for my FMIL.  It must be terrible to live all day hating everyone and feeling insecure and not being able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.  Everyone's right when they say the best thing to do when someone like this flips out is to remain calm and non-confrontational. The people around you might admire you for that - but does't this just feed into the jealousy cycle?  In my experience, the calmer I am in the face of some kind of attack or tantrum or unreasonable behavior, the better it is for me and for whatever relationship exisits.  But the unhealthy person can't stand to see that you are not upset by their behavior.  And this feeds into the cycle of jealousy and dislike.  Is there any way to win?  I'm becoming more and more convinced that people like this can only get better if they seek professional help.  But as an outsider, it's hard to be the one to say that and often you just can't.   :-X
« Last Edit: December 11, 2009, 07:22:31 AM by isitme? »

cremebrulee

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #25 on: December 11, 2009, 07:28:28 AM »
Such good advice.  I am still trying to learn not to let dil make me angry.  The last time SHE flipped out, I somehow managed to stay totally calm.  Wow, what a difference that makes.  I felt great about not letting her goad me into an angry state, & my son looked at me with total awe.  So I know first hand that it is always best to remain calm.

that is, in itself an accomplishment...glad to hear you did good....good for you!!!!!!!  And keep on keepin on....

just2baccepted

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #26 on: December 11, 2009, 07:34:45 AM »
Creme thanks for the unbelievable advice.  Your points did help get me to thinking.  I've been contemplating writing MIL a letter and telling her how hurtful she's been to me and letting her know that I know she's talking about me behind my back.  But thanks again for  your wonderful insights!!

cremebrulee

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #27 on: December 11, 2009, 07:36:47 AM »

...personally, my take is, she is a woman with very little confidence and has very little security in her life.  She probably clung to her son...way to much...depended on him for her happiness...believe it or not...a lot of women deem they're children they're whole and only purpose in life...then when it's time for them to get out there and experience life, they loose their purpose.  Your MIL is jealous of you...of the attention you get from her son...she knows her life will have to adjust and this is forcing her to be more independent...the older someone grows, the less they like change....and you, my dear, are that change which is sending off a signal to her system saying...her life as she knew it will never be the same, therefore, she rejects you.
 
Please note, that people do not do things for one reason, but many.  Also, some people are just down right bullies and love controversy b/c that is all they've known all their lives...they don't know how to be happy, and are jealous when others are happy...I feel very sorry for her.

...these people look upon our patience and endurance as a weakness and the more we try, the more they hate us. 

Actually, she deep down in her soul of souls wishes she could be you...think about that.

Consentrate on what you do have, not what you don't...therefore, you take what you can get, and drop every last expectation you have for that relationship ever working out, and try to get thru each day by keeping busy and being productive, and no matter what she says or does to hurt you...remember, she cannot help herself, and she was not as fortunate as you were and grew up in a family where she was loved...Remember if you can...you can't give what you've never known...she probably wants to, but doesn't know how.  Think about it this way...all the energy she is expelling to make you miserable and constantly rejecting you with...can you imagine what it's doing to her system?  I mean, her whole entire being must be off kilter?  It's so easy to hate, and so much harder to know compassion and love...people without knowing so, reject love b/c they are afraid of rejection...in my DIL's case, I think that is one of her biggest fears...therefore, reject me first. 


Again with the killer insight Creme Brulee!  I think this is so helpful for learning how to deal with someone who is unhealthy - whether a DIL or MIL.  I feel kind of sorry for your DILs too - the way I've started to feel sorry for my FMIL.  It must be terrible to live all day hating everyone and feeling insecure and not being able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.  Everyone's right when they say the best thing to do when someone like this flips out is to remain calm and non-confrontational. The people around you might admire you for that - but does't this just feed into the jealousy cycle?  In my experience, the calmer I am in the face of some kind of attack or tantrum or unreasonable behavior, the better it is for me and for whatever relationship exisits.  But the unhealthy person can't stand to see that you are not upset by their behavior.  And this feeds into the cycle of jealousy and dislike.  Is there any way to win?  I'm becoming more and more convinced that people like this can only get better if they seek professional help.  But as an outsider, it's hard to be the one to say that and often you just can't.   :-X

thanks hun....so much

think about something else...do you know that these women are probably walking around angry most of the time, and they don't even know why?  Can you imagine living like that?  To want to hurt others so badly, b/c you fear the love your husband has for his mother. 

My entire family extended family to boot, they all got along...and yes, there are problems, everyday problems...but yanno what, what a happy time, what a delight!  I guess it's harder to be nice...

Everyone was afraid of my mother's brother's wife...she was a pip, and just like what we're explaining here, but no one was cruel to her...ever...we just realized this is the way she was, she wasn't going to change, and we wouldn't allow her mood to ruin all the picnics and get together's we were having...if she was in a good mood, she was a hoot, but if she was in a bad mood, she thought everyone else had to be...so we all just ignored her...what good would it have done to call her out on it?  Nothing, it would have made the problem bigger. 

That's how I was raised, my mother was such a forgiving person and looked for the good in people, not the bad.