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Observations

Started by cremebrulee, December 21, 2009, 05:15:58 PM

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isitme?

Quote from: cremebrulee on December 23, 2009, 03:41:57 AM
My DIL is so much like my son's step mom...so insecure, and needing to have center stage at all times...

Creme, did your son spend a lot of time with his step mother when he was growing up?  Maybe that explains why he is able to tolerate his wife's behavior... 

Even if you don't get along with someone's mother, it's NOT that hard to just say "hello" and be polite.  You're right and it sounds like your DIL is deliberately trying to prove to you how much she hates you.  That is absurd behavior and I hope you don't let it bother you.  I feel sorry for your son and grandchild as well.  They are the ones that have to deal with this personality on a day to day basis and it's bound to affect them - especially the child who will learn this type of thing is ok to do.   :(

cremebrulee

yes, he did spend a lot of time with her, when he was 14 or 15 I allowed him to go live with his father...I felt I was doing the right thing at the time...but I was wrong....what I should have done, was allowed him to go spend summer's there, and had him come back and finish school at our home in the winter....but I thought it would be good for him at that age to know his father, have his father's influence...his father is a very good man, passive, and easy going...doesn't like confrontation...

and yes, it did hurt, but, I'm becoming more and more immune to her behavior...do, surely didn't hurt as much as it did a long time ago...I'm to the point that, I say to myself..."what did you expect?"  and then I tell myself, she is never going to come around...I won't allow myself faulse hope...besides...she's hung in there with this act for all these years...she is not going to change now....


and yes, I do worry about my GD...I told my son once, that she is going to grow up like her mother...insecure and controlling...but there is hope, b/c she is now allowing her to stay over at other kids homes...so, she will do what I did when I was little...observe other families and other rules and come out being herself...I hope...and she has her father in her...so perhaps that will help, but him being away, gives her  mother more influence...and when my GD was little, she was dressing her up like a hollywood movie star baby....everything had to be the BEST....so, that is what GD will expect....I believe my DIL only feels good about herself when she puts someting new on...and her lavish taste is killing my son....it's none of my business...and yet, I can't help but wonder, what woman would not work when her child is in school all day, and help her husband out...I would work 2 jobs if It would keep my husband home, instead of working over in afghnaistan....you''d think she'd be embarrassed....yanno?  I don't get it?  She told me once, she would never work in an office again...like it was degrading, and she was degrading me, as I've been an office manager for nearly all my life....but to have such expensive tastes, so that your husband has to work the way he does is really ludicrist...heartless and selfish...and now my son's life is at stake b/c of her....

isitme?

I was thinking about that question because I remember you saying that you liked that article on co-narcissism I posted before...

I've been trying to do some reading on how children who come from narcissistic parents can be helped...and what I've found is that all you can do is provide unconditional love and reassurance that not everyone is narcissistic.  This lead me to some reading on Stockholm syndrome...and again, there's little you can do to convince the abused to leave or turn against the abuser and the only thing you can do is let them know you are always there for them.  That's what I"ve done my whole life with my best friend who also has an extremely narcissistic mother and has suffered terribly because of it (surprise surprise, she is good "friends" with my FMIL and the two of them like to trash me and blame me for putting bad thoughts in their children's heads...they are both adults and can make up their own minds).  My best friend feels like no one loves her for who she really is and has no confidence in her own judgment and very low self-esteem.... it is causing HUGE problems in her life right now..  But rather then get mad at her, all I can do it provide unconditional love and let her know whatever she ends up doing, she will always have my support.  She doens't get this from anyone in her family and I'm beginning to see how my BF has grown up with the same dynamic...

The point I'm trying to make is that it's probably natural to worry about your granddaughter's upbringing with a mother like this.  But all you can do is maybe provide her with unconditional love and support and let her see that there IS a different model of love and family out there.  I agree with your point about her observing other families now that she is allowed to stay over at other kids' homes... 

cremebrulee

Thank you...I really appreciate you concepts and advice....

Invisible

I believe her hate for me is for no other reason than I am the MIL.  I have given her no other reasons. Several years before my son died their marriage was slowly deteriorating. She was leaving my son and the baby, travelling to rock concerts. My son had no tattoos and she was starting with that stuff. He was discussing divorce with me but he did not want to lose his daughter. He was so close to his little girl. Now the worst case scenario has occurred. I think she hated my son and of course that would have to include me. She told me I am a bad influence on my GD. I never see my GD on holidays...any holidays.  It was not permitted. I was allowed to leave gifts at the door or with a neighbor. So, I am accustom to holiday solitude.  The only thing in life we can count on is change.

2chickiebaby

Dear Invisible,
Your story really hurts my heart for you.  This woman is sick...very sick.  I hope and pray that you can find some peace in your heart, even a little bit for YOUR sake.  I just know that some of the ladies on here can help.  So little you can do when you are dealing with the devil.

Invisible

2 chickiebaby,

I know my DIL has problems. My son and I would discuss his situation. The school is very much in tune with this fragile situation. The person I am concerned about is my GD.

2chickiebaby

I know you are, Invisible.  Your Granddaughter is blessed to have you to love her. She might not know for years just how blessed she is.....I know that kind of love firsthand from my own Grandmother. A loving Grandmother can't be replaced.