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would like some advice please

Started by isitme?, December 08, 2009, 07:36:18 AM

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cremebrulee

When your young, no, let me rephrase this...when I was young, I was intollerent, impatient, selfish, immature, and totally lacked awareness...

yet, my MIL was a pain in the butt...but, I never talked to her badly, or was jealous that my husband spent alone quality time with her...in fact, I encouraged it.  A mother will always be a mother. 

Men will side with their wives no matter what, just to keep peace...men hate confrontation, tears and fighting...it really sends they're whole systems into a tizzy...an imbalance.  Men are fixeres, and they hate going over and over and over things....so, they are going to agree with whomever to keep the peace.

Ladies...I've been on both sides of the coin, and as I said, my MIL was still my husband's mother and there is no way, I'd talk to her the way I've been treated and talked to by my own DIL...and the worst of it is...my son knows the truth...but prefers to stick his head in the sand.

Long story short...if you can't deal with her, then make certain you encourage a relationship between the both of them...if you have complaints about her, talk to your friends about it, not him, b/c all your doing is putting him in the middle and MAKING him choose, no matter how much you say you are not...you are....and in the end, he's going to choose his wife...she is the one he must live with...and men want their wives to be happy.

If you don't...and your immature, jealous and intimidated by the attention your husband shows his own mother, and you cause problems...I swear to you, whatever bad karma you dish out in life, will come back to you. 

MIL's are much older...they are set in their ways and when they say, I would do it this way or that, they are NOT always attacking your personality or who you are, they are mearly suggesting and thrilled to have a DIL...(not in all cases, as I realize there are some very nasty people in this world) but for the most part, a lot of these problems can be worked out and we start off on the wrong foot b/c we are immature, selfish, and cannot wait to start our own household/family.  And when a MIL says, I would do it this way, she doesn't mean your wrong....

In this case with you...I would leave it up to your husband and his mother...what is more important, winning or keeping peace...if you fight this you just make yourself sick and it ends up hurting so many people....stay away from her, but encourage your hubby that she is still his mother and he needs to acknowledge that and spend some time with her.  And think about this, what if you have children?  Will you keep them away from her as well?  None of us are ever going to think alike....all the time...but when someone does us wrong, we look for things...and I'm speaking about my own DIL...every stinkin thing I say, she finds fault with.  A woman her own age told me, "Oh bull!" she is looking for things to pin on you and fakes being hurt, because she is so starved for attention...I know she's right, but it's harder for me to see it clearly, b/c I'm emotionally involved.

My point is, in your heart of hearts, you know what the answers are...just please, do what is best for everyone...whatever you decide....but I promise you this...what ever your prioritize now, later in life, you will look back on and think, "Boy I should have handled that differently". 

Good Luck
Creme

isitme?

I understand your point Creme but to be honest, I don't think I"m the one with the jealousy problem here.  Or the lack of awareness problem...OR the immaturity.   

Yes I am younger than my FMIL but I think she is the one acting like a 2 year old - down to the temper tantrums and sulking.  In fact, the way you describe your DIL sounds exactly like my FMIL!  "every stinkin thing I say, she finds fault with.  A woman her own age told me, "Oh bull!" she is looking for things to pin on you and fakes being hurt, because she is so starved for attention...I know she's right, but it's harder for me to see it clearly, b/c I'm emotionally involved"

Yep, that sounds like her.   :o

2chickiebaby

You girls are just breaking my heart!!! This is not right!  Isitme...  This is truly a battle for wills......
Distant DIL was horrible to me and close DIL was nice.  I'm positive that in some way I made Distant DIL mad by reacting to her mean nature.  Close DIL came in for the kill and the title of Queen.

I should have just been polite and kind to her, even when she threw her tantrums.  As a matter of fact, when I think about it, it makes me even madder at my DH.  After she pulled that stunt, she started playing up to him and the numb nut fell for it.  (sorry)

When someone is mean to you, what is human nature?  To keep away from them....that's what I did after they married and she turned on me.  I'm positive that she made son feel that we didn't love him.  It was self preservation. 


isitme?

December 08, 2009, 12:08:33 PM #18 Last Edit: December 08, 2009, 12:10:30 PM by isitme?
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 08, 2009, 11:57:29 AM
When someone is mean to you, what is human nature?  To keep away from them....that's what I did after they married and she turned on me.  I'm positive that she made son feel that we didn't love him.  It was self preservation. 

I don't know what to do Chickie....  I have told my BF over and over that I know his family loves him very much but that they are not going to change and treat me better and he can't wait for that to happen. I'm not trying to start ANY battles.

Creme and all the others who have advocated for just keeping the peace - I am all for that if it meant that there actually WAS peace.  There isn't though... there's just a lot of backstabbing and sniping and sulking that goes on behind my back instead.  Oh and I forgot the constant insults.  Does "keeping the peace" mean accepting that kind of abuse?  Does it mean allowing someone to walk all over you, treat you like sh*t and try to come between your relationship with your partner?  Let me repeat..I HAVE NEVER TRIED TO COME BETWEEN MY PARTNER AND HIS MOTHER.  She verbally abuses him and I keep quiet about it.  She verbally abuses me and we keep quiet about it.  YESTERDAY I GAVE HIM MY PHONE SO HE COULD CALL HER.  What's the point of getting married to my BF if this is how it's going to be?  I love him but this makes me so miserable, I think I would be happier alone then to allow my self-respect and trust in my partner be eroded away like this.

2chickiebaby

This is so sad!  He is going to be so furious with his Mother if he loses you.
Nobody wins here.  This is a tragedy....

isitme?

I know.  I feel like it's lose-lose the way it is.  the saddest part is that the situation COULD be win-win if FMIL would just let it.  We could stay together, she could stay close to her son and I would try to be close to her.  She has burned a lot of bridges though and I'm not sure it will be possible anymore. 

Chickie, I know both of your DIL's have hurt you a lot.  I"ve read a lot of your posts and it sounds like they have burned their bridges with you too.  My question is - can these bridges be rebuilt?  At what price to our self-respect? 

cremebrulee

well then, let me tell you, if it's like this now, sadly it will only get worse after your married...you two will lock horns and it's going to get ugly...espescially if you get married...she will want front stage at the wedding, and want to make all the decissions.  If I were you, I'd get him and you both into counseling pronto....and if he doesn't want to go...then, tell him, it's over...b/c to keep going like this is devestating....I've been going thru this for going on 13 years now, and honey, it ain't worth it...it's a hurt that sucks the life out of you, it is life changing and you will never look at things the same again....these women are emotional vampires, who suck the life out of whomever they touch.  My DIL isn't married to my son....she OWNS him, he is her property?   :-\  very very sad....

2chickiebaby

Yes, absolutely they can be re-built.  I'm willing to try till I die to get it done.  I will do anything.  The thing that is coming out in my posts is that close DIL is trying to be #1 with me and my husband.  I wish she wouldn't tell me as much as she has about distant DIL.

I don't care how much DDIL has done to me, CDIL should not be the way she is to her.  Imagine having all pictures, including baby books, without your picture as an Aunt in them?  All the photos on her tables are ones with us and both sons, not his wife.

I'm so &&$(%$(%$% mad now at CDIL I don't know what to do!  I can't cut my nose off to spite my face, though.  She calls me every day and includes me in everything.  I will lose her and I love her!  I wanted to love DDIL too and still can if she'll let me. 

I am so thankful for this site.  I have this all down on paper and it's making some sense. But yes, Isit....it could be good.  Not what I dreamed of but good.

Pen

This is all so sad. The DILs and MILs who have serious problems are causing such pain and sorrow and craziness for the rest of us. Is it narcissism? Bi-polar disorder? Just plain meanness?

In dealing with my DIL I often feel like the high school loser or the last chicken in the pecking order. No matter what I do I'll end up with a wedgie or all my feathers pecked out. Feeling that way must affect how I act around her which in turn affects how she treats me and so on and so on.

I agree that nothing will change until we get help for ourselves and set our boundaries for what treatment we will accept and what we won't. Unfortunately for MILs, that may mean we lose our sons as well. I'm not ready for that! So, I keep pulling out the wedgies and gluing the feathers back on.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

I do the same thing....I think you're right about them picking up on our hurt feelings.  I don't think it's a mental disorder, I think it's a battle for who is going to be Queen.  I don't want to be Queen or Duchess or Lady in Waiting or anything.  I just want to be a Mother and Grandmother and not get kicked out of the palace. 

I will do anything....I don't want to lose my son and grandchildren. You never know what is really going on behind closed doors, do you?  I once thought that we were the only ones going through this.  It is common, I think. 

Our problem is that we don't understand the new way of the world. We are caught in the last century, even though we're not that old.  I think people might be surprised how young we really are.

I don't like this new world.  Everyone is so "clippy" and "curt".  I don't do clippy and curt. 





isitme?

Quote from: cremebrulee on December 08, 2009, 12:29:02 PM
well then, let me tell you, if it's like this now, sadly it will only get worse after your married...you two will lock horns and it's going to get ugly...espescially if you get married...she will want front stage at the wedding, and want to make all the decissions.  If I were you, I'd get him and you both into counseling pronto....and if he doesn't want to go...then, tell him, it's over...b/c to keep going like this is devestating....I've been going thru this for going on 13 years now, and honey, it ain't worth it...it's a hurt that sucks the life out of you, it is life changing and you will never look at things the same again....these women are emotional vampires, who suck the life out of whomever they touch.  My DIL isn't married to my son....she OWNS him, he is her property?   :-\  very very sad....

I'm really sad that this has been your experience with your DIL - if only we could swap our unhealthy MILS and DILS for some of the "surrogates" on this webpage!  I know things are just going to get harder after we get married....the initial problem was making BF understand that it would get worse and not BETTER - but I think he's starting to realize it now.  At least I hope so.  But I think it's going to take counseling...and I"m going to bring it up with him very soon... :'(


2chickiebaby

I looked up Emotional Vampires and boy hydie, I think I'll become a recluse. I can't deal with these people.  What has happened to humans?  We have evolved into a creepy society.

isitme?

There's a great book about Emotional Vampires and how to deal with them by Albert Bernstein.  I actually read it before I ever started dating my BF but it helped me learn how to cope with a lot of negative people in my life at the time and it still does.  I highly recommend it!

2chickiebaby

I guess I'll read it.....someone is one, I just don't know who it is. 

isitme?

A good point made in the book is that we ALL have some negative qualities.  The metaphor of the vampire is a good one - most of us can recognize that we have faults.... but hold up a mirror to a vampire and they can't see their own reflection....

There were definitely things I read that I could see applied to ME - and I've done my best to work on those issues.... I am always willing to admit that I am not perfect and am constantly growing, maturing, learning etc. etc.

There were also a lot of signs that people in my life (an ex BF, college friend etc.) who were causing me trouble WERE emotional vampires and the book really helped me recognize that and learn to cut them loose.  Since then the book has always been a good reference for learning how to identify and deal with toxic people... narcissists, passive-agressive types, histrionic types etc. etc.

I really hope you are able to get the book Chickie.....it's a good read and I feel like it has made me a better person AND better able to deal with others.  I hope it can do the same for you!  :)