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would like some advice please

Started by isitme?, December 08, 2009, 07:36:18 AM

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2chickiebaby

When they hold the mirror up, who do they see if they don't see themselves? 

Geeze, I'm not one, am I?  I seem to be responsible for everything. 

Aisling

Quote from: isitme? on December 08, 2009, 11:01:28 AMAisling, thanks.. I think I"m going to tell my BF that I no longer feel like a united front and I would like us to try couples therapy. 

...the truth is, it's everything that has happened since day 1...

Sometimes I wonder if we should wait too - but since his mother now refuses to talk to me on the phone to "air her issues" (been there, done that, it means nothing), I dont' think it can.  I"m not about to give in to her tantrum and make a special trip (4 hours away) up to visit her just so she can cry and continue to have tantrums.  Is that unreasonable of me?

When you talk to your BF about therapy, if he wants specific examples, tell him exactly what you said here: that's it's everything that has happened since day 1, and that you've discussed it before, and he already knows what the problem is.

It isn't at all unreasonable of you to refuse to make yourself available to this toxic person.

Quote from: isitme? on December 08, 2009, 12:08:33 PMDoes "keeping the peace" mean accepting that kind of abuse?  Does it mean allowing someone to walk all over you, treat you like sh*t and try to come between your relationship with your partner?

No.  You should respect yourself, because you are an awesome person, and realize that you deserve to be treated better than this.  There is no earthly reason to allow yourself to be abused.

I understand how much you want your BF and FMIL to be happy.  I do.  It's a good and noble intention.  But anyone who needs to destroy you in order to be happy is sick, and you shouldn't feed into that.  If your BF truly loves his mother, he'll understand that he has to stop feeding into her evilness and neediness too.  For an analogy, imagine FMIL's problem was drinking.  You'd know that your BF would be better off if he weren't sitting there pouring her drinks, right?  He needs to cut off her supply of her drugs of choice (these being his attention and your pain) because it's the only thing that's going to save this relationship in the long term.

This doesn't mean he has to cut her off entirely.  But he will have to accept that you get to cut her off, and that he has to maintain very strong boundaries with her.  You two will have to negotiate those boundaries between yourselves.  But it's the only way to save yourself, your BF, and your FMIL from the sucking void of dysfunction and despair she's turning herself into.

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 08, 2009, 11:04:42 AMI think I mentioned that I'm going to a counselor.  I have to go because I have to save myself. What you don't understand is that to lose your child, not through death but through marriage, is like a death but you don't get a funeral, a closure.

These others don't matter. 

The only reason I'm going to counseling is because it's through our church and it's free.  No more money is going to be spent by me to try to figure this out!  I can only change myself.

I'm glad you're in counseling, and I really do hope it helps.  Hopefully it'll help you learn that you should be grateful for any and all love you recieve in this world.  I think you'd be a much happier person if you could.

cest moi

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 08, 2009, 12:31:39 PM
Yes, absolutely they can be re-built.  I'm willing to try till I die to get it done.  I will do anything.  The thing that is coming out in my posts is that close DIL is trying to be #1 with me and my husband.  I wish she wouldn't tell me as much as she has about distant DIL.

I don't care how much DDIL has done to me, CDIL should not be the way she is to her.  Imagine having all pictures, including baby books, without your picture as an Aunt in them?  All the photos on her tables are ones with us and both sons, not his wife.

I'm so &&$(%$(%$% mad now at CDIL I don't know what to do!  I can't cut my nose off to spite my face, though.  She calls me every day and includes me in everything.  I will lose her and I love her!  I wanted to love DDIL too and still can if she'll let me. 

This struck me and I felt like adding my two cents. You can't do anything about the pictures but I think if CDIL is telling you things about DDIL and you're just listening to her to be polite then things might get back to DDIL and make it look like you are supporting the mean things CDIL is doing to her. I think your best bet is to just tell CDIL that you are trying to make a positive change throughout your life and that you only want to hear good things about people unless whatever they are doing is putting you or loved ones in imminent danger.  Make it all about you and your feelings... 'When I hear negative things about people I love it makes ME feel sad and down'. Then do your best and don't talk anything negative about any person with CDIL. Hopefully that way CDIL won't take it as a slam on her but you trying to make your life better/ more pleasant.  And with luck DDIL will be able to see a change in dynamics and eventually you can come to an understanding.

2chickiebaby

That's a wonderful idea and I think you're right.  I do want so much to make DDIL feel like I care about her.  CDIL is not helping but she is very good to me and I don't want to lose her.  Thank you!!

just2baccepted

Isitme- I really think that I would consider counseling before I give up on the relationship.  Its hard to find someone special to spend your life with.  I know I get so tired of dealing with this problem, I just want to scream sometimes.  But my DH is worth the stress so maybe counseling would help you.  Good Luck.

isitme?

Thanks Just2B - after reading all the posts today, I came home from work feeling...well not better, but empowered I think.  I'm going tell BF that I would like us to go to counseling because I don't think we are managing this very well on our own.  He has never let me down before so I am hopeful that he will agree.  Poor guy is working very late today though  :(
I have to remember not to get angry with him - I know he is struggling with this too.  I think I've been able to work out a lot of things by posting with the ladies on this forum so thank you all very much for your advice and support!

2chickiebaby

Isitme, I know what you mean about 'it never being a good time to talk about this kind of thing' so I'll be thinking about you when you talk with him.  Best wishes!