I feel like my heart is breaking.

[Dijo63]

This is my first post, I desperately need some advice, if not to help my situation (if that's possible) or at the very least to help me come to terms with it.  I am mother of 3 adult children, (2 sons and a daughter) I have 2 grandsons and 1 granddaughter only 9 weeks old. Each child has one each.  My youngest son (25) is a beautiful soul, he is gentle, has a very calm nature, is a great partner to his girlfriend and a buddy wonderful new father to his new little daughter.  He has been with his partner for 2 years. He had moved to another state, after being raised by me only, to spend some time with his father, within 3 months he met his current partner and had moved in with her.  I flew over after 6 months to catch up with him and meet her, she seemed lovely and doted on him.  What more as a mother could I ask for? They decided after a year to return to our home state.  She had been raised in a very violent and abusive home and wanted to have a new start.  I paid for their relocation, flights etc.. They had been here just over 3 months and she fell pregnant.  Things changed dramatically from that moment.  She forbids my son to see his sister and young nephew.  There was no arguement, my daughter simply would not be at her beck and call.  This then extended to my neice, then me.  She vented all of her anger on a popular social page, adding derogitory comments about my family, knowing we all had access to her comments.  We all discussed not reacting to her nastiness and each time it blew over, she even told me that she would not be allowing any of my son's family to have anything to do with the baby.  She would apologise till ......the next time.  It was a long 9 months of pregancy..  She then seemed much better after the baby was born.  She then took ill unexpectedly after 2 weeks and had to have surgey.  I flew to where they lived the same night, (I live 4 hours away).  I looked after my granddaughter, bought her all that she needed, filled her food cupboards, cooked and stored meals for her return.  Upon her return home she once again commenced this attack online to her family and friends describing how horrible we all were and that no one here offered help or support to her.  Again we ignored it even though it hurt us all.  She now has sent my daughter more abuse as and told her that her daughter was too good for this family.  On my visit this last weekend she brought it up and was telling me lies over something that had been said supposedly by my daugher, against my initial annoyance, I did not fly to my daughter's defence and decided to take the higher ground.  She sent me a message after I left to say she no longer will let me see my granddaughter.. I have tried to speak to my son but he believes everything she says, he won't speak to me. 
I simply cannot do this anymore!!  I dearly love my son and my granddaughter but how much is enough.  I feel like I bite my lip all the time with her, she apologises and for my son and granddaughter I let it go.  She speaks to me with no respect when she is having a "moment", she has shouted at me so often, I am simply done.  I can't live like this anymore, I am so hurt by my son that he just allows this to go on and on.  She has disrespected his whole family in some shape or form and yet to keep the peace he says nothing.  I don't want to lose my son and granddaughter but I really believe people treat you how you let them treat you.  I have cried an ocean over this situation and feel emotionally spent.  I have been a good mother but now question if I have not done something right, my son is a good man, yet he stands by and watches and says nothing?  I would be grateful of any advice any member can offer.. I just feel so alone and battered (emotionally).

[Pen]

Welcome, Dij63. I'm glad you found this site as there are many women going through similar difficulties. You are not alone. I'm so sorry you are in pain, and I hope you find some comfort here. There's no preparing for this, is there? It can hit your family like a freight train out of nowhere. When the shock subsides you'll find ways to regain your center. Unfortunately you can't change anyone (oh, for a magic wand!) but you can change how you react to them and their shenanigans. Your life will most definitely be different than what you may have imagined, but it can still be good. In the meantime, think of one thing you can do today that is just for yourself...baby steps. Keep posting and reading!

[luise.volta]

Welcome - Your son can't change her. She is how she is and is probably reflecting the trauma of her upbringing. It is his to deal with and accommodate to. He has to find a way to go on, if that is his choice. You are right, to my way of thinking, to draw a line and refuse to suffer further abuse. Your function in life isn't to be her target and the recipient of her misplaced rage. You raised your son and did a great job. He is now on his own path and has to deal with the consequence of his choices. Sad but true. To my way of thinking, you were a whole person before you became a mother and you can be whole again. Your life is your own and what's next is to let go, heal and move on. Sending love...

[amflautist]

My youngest son (25) is a beautiful soul, he is gentle, has a very calm nature, is a great partner to his girlfriend and a buddy wonderful new father to his new little daughter.  He has been with his partner for 2 years.

..........  I have tried to speak to my son but he believes everything she says, he won't speak to me.  I simply cannot do this anymore!!  I dearly love my son and my granddaughter but how much is enough.   

...........  I have cried an ocean over this situation and feel emotionally spent.  I have been a good mother but now question if I have not done something right, my son is a good man, yet he stands by and watches and says nothing?  I would be grateful of any advice any member can offer.. I just feel so alone and battered (emotionally).

Dear Dijo63,  So much of what you say hits me in the solar plexus.  My situation is very similar, with the exception that there is no child involved.  I know I was a good -- very good -- mother.  My son, like yours, is also a caring, nurturing soul.   But my DIL will have nothing to do with me.  I too have cried rivers and oceans until I am exhausted.  I have campaigned, tried to woo my DIL with gifts and flowers, etc.  I get nothing from her.  She ignores everything I do. 

I have come to the conclusion that I can do nothing to change her mind, nothing to fix it.  My son used to be at wit's end.  He used to cry when he tried to get us together.  We have come to an unspoken understanding that he will contact us when she is out of town, and we have been lucky that he is able to visit us in our home once or twice a year while passing through on business trips.  I now fully understand that only DIL can change this, and I see that at the present time she doesn't want to.

How do our precious caring sons get themselves into these situations?  And do they (a) just stick it out trying to keep the peace at home, or do they (b) occasionally give it up and leave?  After reading so many stories here, I am quite sure that (a) is a lot more likely.

After nearly a year of crying, I finally learned to hold my head up and quit trying to have a relationship with DIL.  I find that my son is a lot happier now that interactions between his parents and his DW are off the table.  On those occasions when he calls or comes home to visit, without DIL, we do not discuss DIL at all.  Nothing.  Nada.  It is simpler that way. 

You will not lose your son if you can avoid backing him into a corner where he is forced to take sides or to protect his wife.  That's where things stand with us anyway.  I think it possible that things for you could evolve to a place where you will see your DS's happy face and hear his happy voice when you do connect. 

You are not alone.  We are all struggling with unfair circumstances where someone else holds the cards.  I honestly believe that if you can give up your wish to have a relationship with DIL and GD, your son will come home to your heart.  Mine did.

[Rejected]

I don't have a whole lot of advice to offer you except to stop helping them financially. Maybe your DS's GF thinks you may hold it over their heads. I'm not saying you do at all because you sound like a sweet person that's only trying to help. But if your DS's GF was raised this way, having things held over her head(which is usual in abusive homes), then she's going to apply this lesson that she's learned to those that do lots of favors for them. Does that make sense? It's just an idea. I know you are only trying to help, but they chose to bring a family into this world and they need to support themselves, even if it means going without until they can manage their own finances. Now I'm not saying you can't spoil your GC   but stocking their cupboards with food and paying for them to move are big purchases.
I think your DS's GF needs some counseling because she sounds as though she has some childhood issues that need to be resolved, however, your DS or his GF need to recognize this themselves without a word from you. I would back away from the situation and focus on yourself for a while. Let your DS know that you are always there for him if he needs you, but that need to get back to living your own life, and then step back. Do something for yourself each day!

[tryingmybest]

Agree 100%. I would do this. Talk to your son with love, say you can see the family is causing his wife stress, and in order to make life easier for her you think it is best to cut off any effort for contact. Tell him you love him, and your door is always open. This takes any diversion off the table. Your son will see the truth soon enough. Hide her FB posts and don't look at them. He made the decision to marry her and he has to live with the consequences of his choice.

[Pooh]

Welcome Dijo.  Please take a moment, if you haven't already to read our Forum Agreement.  We ask all new members to do this.  Nothing at all wrong with what you wrote.

The ladies have given you excellent advice.  It's so hurtful, but you can only do what feels right for you.  Seems to be a common trend here that the Sons sit idley by.  Hang in there.

[lancaster lady]

hello Dijo and welcome ......

This line in your post really stood out to me ... I really believe people treat you how you let them treat you.
My opinion is , either you detach with love ...or you stand up to your abuser .
I feel we reach this stage in our lives, we deserve some respect and why not ?
Our sons tend to stay in the middle , and always but always protect their partner .
I think it's up to us to make a stand against any disrespect from extended family members , if only to
gain back your own self respect .
Again , it's what's right for you ....I couldn't stand being the absent grandmother any longer , so I made a stand.
It worked for me eventually .
I wish you strength to carry out what's right for you .

[tryingmybest]

Dijon I reread your post and something occurred to me, if this has been a complete personality change after the baby could it be post partum depression?

[Dijo63]

Thanks for the shoulder guys....  I feel I am almost crippled with the weight...  I feel quite alone with it all, my husband is a wonderful man but is just recovering from brain surgery so I share little with him so as to not cause any further stress in his recovery.  After the events on the weekend and her messaging me and telling me I am not allowed to see my GD anymore and that I should not contact her again, she has done nothing but barrage me with messages and emails, talking disgustingly about my daughter and family.  I know I will be dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. If I do respond she will contort my words, no matter how nice I am or if I don't respond she will start spitting venom at me suggesting "I don't care".  I feel broken inside... I worry for my son but realise all that has happened is as a result of his choices, "we give them life but can't live it for them". Advice I would give anyone in the same situation.   Easy said.... not so easy, not to worry about them though.  I keep telling myself I have "taken the higher ground" so often with her by not biting at her snakey remarks and that hasn't worked, we keep coming back to the same spot.  She now is saying she is leaving my son over the most recent incident as he would not back up the lies she has told.. He chose just to say "I don't remember", in the hope of staying neutral..  He is not in a good way emotionally, he rang me a few weeks ago saying he was scared for his mental health, he said he can't take anymore of her manipulation and felt suicidal.  He loves her though despite it all and she is the mother of his daughter. I understand he is caught between a rock and a hard place.  I just can't do this anymore though, it is now effecting my health.  I will always be here for my son but feel like I just want to walk away.....

[Dijo63]

Oh sorry, did not answer the question raised, it's not post natal depression, this has been going on before she even fell pregnant.  It seems cyclic, she creates problems, incites arguements and when she gets the desired effects she then is happy for a while, will even apologise... sometimes, then it all happens again. 

[tryingmybest]

I am so sorry. I was hoping may-be if it was hormonal it would get better. It sounds like a devastating situation. {{{hugs}}}.

[RedRose]

I worry for my son but realise all that has happened is as a result of his choices,  He is not in a good way emotionally, he rang me a few weeks ago saying he was scared for his mental health, he said he can't take anymore of her manipulation and felt suicidal.  He loves her though despite it all and she is the mother of his daughter.

He needs to walk away..what good is he to his daughter if he feels this way. He's suicidal? He needs professional help. He has to feel comfortable in his marriage. Love is a two way street.

My son felt the same way and walked away. His wife was constantly shouting at him and there was never a kind word about his family. Obviously she was not happy either.  She cheated on him and became pregnant with a child my son thought was his...my 2nd grandchild?

My son has never regreted his decision to leave. He and his ex-wife now have joint custody of my 1st grandson.

[Pooh]

I agree wit RedRose.  If it has reached a point with him that he's that depressed, he definately needs to seek help for his and his daughter's sake.  I spent many years being miserable for the sake of my kids, because I thought it was the right thing to do.  In the end, if I could go back and do it over, I would have left.  It would have been hard, it would have taken work to shuffle the kids back and forth, but it would have been better.  It's a hard place to be when you think it is better for the children.

[amflautist]

Thanks for the shoulder guys....  I feel I am almost crippled with the weight...  I feel quite alone with it all, my husband is a wonderful man but is just recovering from brain surgery so I share little with him so as to not cause any further stress in his recovery.  After the events on the weekend and her messaging me and telling me I am not allowed to see my GD anymore and that I should not contact her again, she has done nothing but barrage me with messages and emails, talking disgustingly about my daughter and family.

We are here to support you.  Our shoulders are enormous. 

Send your DIL's emails straight to the spam folder.  Do not read them, do not even let yourself know they have arrived.   (P.S.  I can almost guarantee that is what my DIL does with mine!)