I feel like my heart is breaking.

[amflautist]

He is not in a good way emotionally, he rang me a few weeks ago saying he was scared for his mental health, he said he can't take anymore of her manipulation and felt suicidal.  He loves her though despite it all and she is the mother of his daughter. I understand he is caught between a rock and a hard place.  I just can't do this anymore though, it is now effecting my health.  I will always be here for my son but feel like I just want to walk away.....

I agree with walking away ... but walking away from your son's girlfriend ... walking away from her drama ... not walking away from your son.  I believe your son's call about his mental health should be taken as a serious call for help.  Can you offer to pay for a counselor for him?  I honestly know nothing about mental health counselors, nor psychiatrists, etc, but I am sure others here at wwu can advise.  I firmly believe that any discussion of suicide should be taken seriously.  Your son may not have really meant suicide - it may be that he was simply trying to tell you how totally stressed out he was.  In any case, please don't walk away from him.  Perhaps he needs to know it is OK to walk away from his current situation and that it is OK to come home again.

It sounds like both you and your son need to walk away from the source of all this stress.

[elsieshaye]

Dijo, I'd suggest creating a filter for her emails - pretty much all email programs will let you do this.  Either filter them straight into the trash, or into a separate folder that you don't review very often.  Either way, it keeps the deluge out of your inbox and makes it her issue, not yours.  There is no response you can give right now that would be helpful, and for me personally, I find it takes the stress level down tremendously to make hostile communications invisible.

[jdtm]

I know I will be dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. If I do respond she will contort my words, no matter how nice I am or if I don't respond she will start spitting venom at me suggesting "I don't care".

Dijo63 - I found if there is a choice between talking or not talking, it was better for me to be accused of what I did NOT say rather than what I said.  After a while, others do "catch on" and you don't have to backtrack saying "that's not what I said or that's not what I meant".  As Dr. Phil says "you don't know what I think".  So sorry but most of us here (sadly) have been or are in the same situation ....

[Pen]

Welcome, Dijo63. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but as you've already figured out you're not alone. You've heard great advice from wise, supportive women. I agree about the emails, you do not need to read them or even know they exist. It's also best to refrain from responding. I'd advise you to keep your thoughts to yourself- you never know who will pass along something you said to DIL by accident or on purpose. Try not to say anything bad about DIL to your DS. Let him do the venting while you listen and subtly guide him to make the decision for counseling or separation on his own.

Please take care of yourself through it all, you won't be any good to your DS or DGD otherwise. What can you do today that will nuture you and help you regain your center?

[lancaster lady]

dijo

I have had a few of those emails ....delete ...then send the rest to spam !
Do not be tempted to look at them .....they are like a knife twisting ....delete , delete !
It takes two for an argument .
Let your son know you are there for him always , and detach , and renew your energy .
Best wishes ...LL

[Rose799]

I agree with walking away ... but walking away from your son's girlfriend ... walking away from her drama ... not walking away from your son. 

It sounds like both you and your son need to walk away from the source of all this stress.

I agree amflautist, with the addition of your dh's brain surgery on top of all the drama, it's no wonder you & ds have both reached your limit.  If I were in your position, I'd suggest counseling, if all possible.  He needs to vent, as well.   I'd tell ds that I refuse to add to his load by participating in tit for tat with dil; that you are going to ignore her e-mails & let him contend with her while you tend to dh's recovery.  Let him know your door is always open & then give him a little space to regroup.  As a dm, that's easier said than done, but I do feel it'll help take some of the pressure off him.  Best wishes to you & ds, Dijo63~

[Rose799]

By the way, welcome to you both, amflautist & Dijo63~

[herbalescapes]

It's possible that your son's GF suffers from mental illness.  If she comes from a violent and abusive home herself, there may have been mental illness in one or both of her parents or the violence could have lead to problems for her.  Pregnancy and childbirth could have compounded the problem.  She may need your pity more than your anger.  Easier said than done, I know.  Don't give up.  Talk to friends or clergyperson or counselor to find a way to ease the tension in your own life.  Don't try to turn your son away from GF.  Give him support and love without mentioning her lies, etc.  Let him know that you are there for him and GD.  If you can find a subtle, tactful way to suggest GF might need some medical help, do so.  Be very careful, though, you don't want to come off as snotty and self-righteous. 

There are plenty of websites out there about staying in touch with a grandchild who is geographically distant.  Try to adapt them to your situation.  Imagine GD seeks you out in 20 years after hearing trash about you from her mother.  What could you show her that demonstrates you loved her and never forgot about her?  Maybe have trees planted in her honor for her birthday every year.  Make a scrapbook of her dad as a young boy and make one every year about her dad's side of the family that you'd be able to pull out and show her.  Make youtube videos of yourself reading stories "to her."  Send her an "I love you card" every month.  Don't get too gooey (Oh I miss you sooooo much).  Maybe GF will throw them in the trash or they'll be returned unopened.  At least you'll know that you tried. 

Good luck. 

[Rose799]

Wonderful suggestions, herbalescapes; mind if I borrow a few?  Welcome to WWU...

[Pen]

Herbalescapes, good post. I think children benefit from knowing they are loved & knowing who their people are, even if they find out as adults.

[Nana]

Dijo...obviously your son needs your support.   Things with wife are not good at all and could eventually break.  Just be there for him....dont press him to do any move....let him sorted it out and he will be ok. 

We are here at your corner ...hold on.

Love

[mother of 3 sons]

I know about your heartache.   I was there, and still am there!
I "took" the abuse for 36 years with my son's 3 spouses!
The recent marriage for 20 years --- before speaking to my son about his and his wife's cruelty.  36 years of suffering, and now over two years without
any contact with my son (because he is in complete denial, dependent
upon her, has no job, nowhere to go if he leaves her).   The "key"
element here is the daughter in law's background.  Both your
DIL and mine come from a violent dysfunctional (alcoholic) family.
This is my son's third spouse, and each one of them came from
the same background, and each DIL treated me and son's family
in the same way --- complete rejection and manipulation.  Your
DIL sees you as she probably sees her own mother and/or father.
You are the enemy (you are not, but that is how she sees it). 
The longer it goes on, without effective professional help for
everyone involved, the worse it will get. The only person you can
control is you.  I don't know which is worse, putting up with it,
or experiencing complete rejection from my son.  When I asked
him to understand, he said he didn't care.  That was the clincher.
He doesn't care.  He said it was my problem, and if I wanted to
get along with his wife, I should contact her and work it out.
He defended her, did not acknowledge the cruelty she has done,
did not hear or accept my feelings and hurt.  They are both
alcoholics.    I might add that inbetween my son's three relationships,
we had a good relationship, we were friends and we all were together
in happiness with his brothers and their wives.  I have been divorced
from my son's father for 30 years.  He was abusive, cold, cruel, to
all of us.   Of course, my sons "married" their father, i.e., someone
just like him:  controlling, cruel, critical, mean and selfish --- there
are other words, but you know the drill.    The pain of losing
complete contact with my son for over two years has been horrible.
But my self esteem is rising at last, my health is better, and I don't
experience put downs and hurt from them on a daily basis.
His wife has also disowned her own mother and father and all but
one of her siblings, and also my son's brothers, father and family.
They are completely alone.  No holidays, no birthdays, no friends.
Sound sick?  Yes, that is what it is.  It is like with an alcoholic, until
they have some kind of traumatic "conversion" experience, they
will probably continue with the status quo.  Waiting is hell.  But
being in the tornado will kill you fast.  Get professional help.  Find
a support group.   Your son has learned that you will "take"
your DIL's abuse.  He is in complete denial of reality.  He may not
know what to do (if he has any inkling of leaving her).  All kinds of
things.  If he will accept your love, or listen to you and show you
caring, that would be wonderful.  That is not the case with my son,
but he is a dependent alcoholic (dependent on her).
    So, prayer also helps.   Surrendering the situation to God or
your higher power helps.  And talking with others who are going
through the same thing helps.  We all can help one another in
venting our feelings and sharing things we have found that work.
God bless you my dear.  I care and understand.
A 69 year old mother of 3 sons, hurting but healing, in Montana.
Marg   

[not like the movies]

heartbreaking...mine was broken and then I discovered there is more room in a broken heart for those that appreciate me. I surround myself with those that really care and those that don't drain me. I choose and that equals freedom. Find the life you want to live. If it can not include certain mean people right now so be it. Maybe they will change but only can they do this of their own accord. I am certainly not the same person I was in my twenties.

[Dijo63]

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me.  I received a call from my son a couple of days ago. He has told me he has sought legal advice but is not sure what he will do.  He said he really doesn't think he wants to be with her anymore as he knows she is nasty and despite all I have done for them continues to treat me with disrespect.  I told him it has to be his choice and if he thinks there is any chance they can work things out, he owes it to his little baby to try.  I reassured him I would be here for him regardless and will always support whatever he chose but it has to be his choice.  He asked me not to phone him when he is at home as I she does not want us to have contact.  I am hurt that he said this but I do not want to cause any more stress than he is under.  My eldest son has been talking to him and has told him he will be there too if he needs a chat, advice or a shoulder.  It's hard as I so want to contact him to see how he is I am so worried but I have to let it go... but feel it's best right now to leave him to it and pray he is okay..

[Pooh]

You're doing the right thing D.  Hang in there.  If you respect his wishes, I feel that he will contact you.