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What to do

Started by wittsend, July 12, 2011, 06:34:22 PM

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wittsend

  I would like to clarify that I did apologize to my MIL for not giving her more of a notice when we were going to have our daughter baptised.  We planned it around her godparents schedule no one else's.  But my MIL told my husband that she does not think I was sincere about my apology and she does not have anything nice to say to me ever.  This was not the first time MIL has pulled this stunt.  She has purposly ignored my bday every year even though my husband reminds her.  Prior to our huge fight she has never called me to find out what are schedules are when she visits if we are able to come up w/some times so everyone can get together.  Basically it is what works for her and not us.  Don't get me wrong I know I have a long road ahead of myself with my MIL but she has also needs to take responsibility for her own actions in the way she has treated not only myself but her son as well.  She was used to him always dropping everything everytime she needed him and once we got married and had children his priorities had changed from her to his family.  She is a very nacarasstic person and will usually play the victim on any scenerio.  I take responsibility for my own actions by calling her out on her behavior but something had to change because I did not want her to be the type of grandma that only does things w/our kids when she is in a good mood.  My husband 100% agrees that something needed to change in the way she treats me.  In which she has never really liked me since we started dating and that was over 10yrs ago.
  Yes, I would like to resolve this family feud but how many times can one person say they are sorry and try to move forward when the other parties involved won't budge????  It takes all sides to come up w/a solution and so far the other side does not wantt to deal with it.???

amflautist

Quote from: Keys Girl on July 14, 2011, 07:15:05 PM
Wittsend, if I read the original post properly, you deliberately scheduled the baptism of a grandchild without determining if one of the grandmothers was available and then sent an email where you accused the grandmother who was excluded of using guilt trips to manipulate her son.

I can't think of any reason that she would want to see you again, and as for her grandchildren, I wouldn't dictate to her that she has to have a relationship with you and your husband first, she doesn't have to have a relationship with anyone on the planet.  As for her "moods", if anyone treated me the way she's been treated, I wouldn't be in any hurry to visit, why put yourself at risk for another piece of "humble pie" and manipulative accusations by someone else's daughter? 

What's done is done and frankly maybe she just doesn't like someone who is 20 years younger but is trying to make her behave according to her terms.

The only people you can break apart and put back together are made of Lego.

I suggest bake a beautiful pecan pie, drive over to her house, (no husband or kids, this is between the two of you) knock on the door and beg her forgiveness for your bold and brazen behaviour.  Ask her to share the pie with you because you made her eat humble pie earlier which she didn't order on any menu.   Ask her if the two of you can start over from that day forward, and in the future, stick to your knitting, let Dr. Phil deal with other people's behaviour in the future, and never send an email to anyone that is judgmental and hostile.

Beautiful post, Keys Girl.  When I get myself in trouble, I hope you are around to help me mend it.  I also hope that I am wise enough at that time to take your advice.

luise.volta

Just some thoughts: Many times when we want to resolve an issue, it involves someone else changing. What are the odds? When we have people in our lives that we didn't pick on purpose, like we did our friends, it can go downhill from there. There can be expectations on both sides and old dynamics that some may want to hang on to that others may want to escape from.

Marriage can force instant relationships. They can be wonderful, I have experienced that, but again, what are the odds? To me the loyalty always lies in the new relationship, the new family unit...and whatever the new "rules" are. When a person feels left behind, all kinds of antics can surface from their trying to reestablish control or the illusion of control. To attain visibility, the antics can accelerate.

We can't do much about the process of someone who is fighting adjustment and wants the status quo when it is history. Taking them on creates war, giving in to them...creates havoc. It does us no good to document how wrong they are and how right we are. Seeking agreement just keeps us stuck. That's often what we're doing in the guise of seeking resolution.

My take is that we need to vent, be heard, accept the unacceptable and distance ourselves from others pathology. What we have right in front of us is tough enough and deserves our full attention.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Sassy

Sometimes one way to help around what seems like an impasse, is to see the other's point of view.  Really try to put ourselves in their shoes.

I can see different points of view.  I love this website, all the insight is amazing.  I really know you want resolution, that's why you're here.  I also think you think you're doing the right thing by your children.  I don't question your motives and intentions.  And I understand you feel extra unjustly accused because MIL and BIL, SIL are questioning your motives and intentions.  As if you were trying to hurt MIL, when you're trying to make it better.

If MIL's motives were to see your family more, to attend the baptism, to get more time with you, to not feel used for gifts, and her motives are being called into question as "manipulative" when she knows what her own motives are,  would she react the way she is acting now.   Would it feel like an insult to you, if relatives wrote you a letter telling you that you cannot lie to them anymore?  MIL questions your motives, you question hers.  What if you both wanted the same thing, but each questioning the other wanted it too, was what gets in the way.

Do you think it's possible MIL may have felt that she wasn't wanted to be a part of the child's baptism, except for her gifts? I understand that you were standing up for DD.   But do you see how it could also look like that all that was wanted of MIL, was her gift? Is it possible that MIL wasn't trying to be manipulative by not sending a gift, as much as she was stepping back from the whole event, as she thought it was pretty much wanted for her to do? 

Can you see any other reasons MIL might have passed on the lunch?  There's a difference between inviting someone to lunch, and inviting them to lunch to "discuss issues."  I would accept a lunch invitation.  Seriously, I would have so much anxiety about accepting the second, fearing a showdown, a confrontation, a listing of my perceived faults, I don't know if I would accept it.  I don't think my accepting it or not would be predicated on how much I loved the people, but on how much agita I suffered at the thought of it til i said no.

Asking you two days before coming to down might have been another way not to get too much anxiety.  Not weeks of can they - can't they - we'll let you know - wait and see.  Just plan the trip anyway, go places she's welcomes, and at the last minute see if son and DIL can fit you in to see the grandchildren as a bonus.  Much less anxiety that way.

Big talks, emails, they can get so contentious.  There are other ways for you and DH to handle your issues with her (boundaries, not responding, being formally polite) one at a time, as each comes up.  You can't change her - you can change how you react to her.  That is what you will learn to change.  I still propose that you decide to suspend judgment of MIL's motivations and move "as if" the motives are the same as yours.  To spend time together when in each other's town, especially with the children.  If MIL wants to play hello broom meet rug, and all you will ultimately have with MIL anyway is a surface yet cordial polite relationship with her, and you and DH will change your reaction to her "manipulations", then why not just move on without further confrontation? Your husband can spend time with his whole family, your children get their grandmother, and you get an occational polite cordial guest.


Sassy

I began posting my earlier reply and although I got the pink Warning, I did not go up enough and did not see Witt's latest reply before I posted mine.

I am suggesting this reframing, as a way of handling it, that doesn't require MIL to change.  MIL doesn't want to celebrate birthdays with you, don't celebrate them with her. If DH and MIL want to exchange calls, cards or presents that's between them and ask DH to leave you out of it so it doesn't remind you or rub it in your face.  You and she don't celebrate birthdays anymore.  Its not that close of a relationship.

Maybe there's no way to see it that doesn't hurt.  I understand that too.  The older I get the less birthday cards I get.  And they're nice, but I realize they don't matter.  I'm certainly not "entitled" to it, it's all treat.  I can get along with people, even if they don't send me birthday wishes.  I suggest reframing it, with the idea to help get you the bigger picture that I think you want.   


Pooh

I think this is a prime example of why most of us agree that emails are not good.  When Keys read your OP, she saw it written that you deliberately scheduled the baptism without checking with the GPs.  I read it as you did schedule it without checking with MIL first, yet I didn't see it as a deliberate act of exclusion. 

It is so hard to find times to do things where everyone is available.  I used to do the same thing.  Reschedule and replan to try to fit things in where everyone could come.  I ended up with tons of stress trying to do it and it benifited everyone but my household.  After several years of this, I finally learned to pick a day that worked for our schedule and then invite everyone saying "Hope you can make it."  If they couldn't, well they just couldn't and that was ok.  I would have loved if everyone could make it, but very rarely did that happen because they had lives too.

Now, after your reply, I can see where she would be hurt that it was scheduled when she couldn't come and I also see where you were trying to accomodate the godparents.  You also apologized later to her for not being able to give her more notice.  I really don't know what else you can do about that if she is not willing to accept the apology.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

Oh, I'm right there with you Pooh.  The planning, scheduling and then rescheduling is a nightmare.  Sometimes a new marriage is an adjustment for all parties, sometimes Mom's are so used to being *the* Mom. 

wittsend, IMO I would back away for a little while and let DH handle it.  Reading your updates and going back over your postings, it struck me your DH doesn't seem to be very involved.  I think it's a mistake for the new spouse to be the bad guy (meaning, setting the rules lol.)  In our therapy, DH has been told many times that his family is his responsiblity.  Ok, we have different issues, make no mistake.  However, the therapists belief is that I'm offending MIL by being myself and living how I normally do, she is also upset at the changes our marriage meant in her life.  As an example, she doesn't get every holiday, so it comes across as that she is mad at me.  In reality, it is her son she has problems with. She doesn't understand, takes it personal and attacks or "punishes" me.  They believe DH handling his side of the family issues cuts out the middle man (me) and puts the issues squarely on the shoulders of the responsible parties.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Sassy

Pam that is a great post and I agree a very good way to go. 

OP, by any chance, are you a middle child or ACoA?  I ask because I see some good qualities in you like serving diplomacy, mediating.

luise.volta

This was posted here from Sassy but I wanted to duplicate what she wrote and put it with another thread under Grab Bag, "Jim", and in the process I lost it here. I really made a mess of it, Sassy. Sorry.

She wrote: I also often recall your words, Luise, about people aren't perfect.   Relationships aren't perfect.  Everyone is flawed.  Everyone makes mistakes.   I just saw the most amazing little movie on Sundance "Mary and Max" about friendship lasting despite each friends not being perfect and I thought of you.  The idea of accepting that it's unrealistic to expect a perfect performance from imperfect people.   There will be bumps on the way.  Thank you for guidance on how not to get stuck on the bumps.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

justus

I think it is reasonable to expect a GP to have a relationship with the parents if the GP expects to have be able to see the children. I my case, I didn't push this, but should have. My Ps said and did things with my kids they should not have, like talking badly about me to them, and undermined my parenting. My Ps did not respect me and this was telling in how they were with my children. If I had to do it again, those issues would have been worked out with me before I trusted them with my children.

So, yeah, it is more than reasonable to make sure that this GM respects and honors the parents, because if she doesn't, chances are she won't respect their parenting choices and that is rather important, more important than the GP's relationship with the child.

My children are adults now, and neither of them are talking to their GPs anymore. DS suffered the worst because of what my Ps did and had a relationship with them the longest and is now the angriest with them.

As GPs, it is easy to loose sight of the fact that the most important relationship in a child's life is with his Ps, not us, we are just the icing on the cake. It is one of our most important jobs to support and respect our GC's Parents, because the Ps are of utmost importance to our GCs quality of life. This is even more important than being right.

pam1

I agree, Justus.  IMO, parents do need the discernment and ability to protect who is around their children. 

When I first met my MIL I wondered if her poor treatment of me would be directed at DD.  Then I'd go back and second guess myself, thinking there is no way she can be mean to a child.  I should have stuck with my instincts and I regret it. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Purple Room

If your MIL is a manipulative narcissist(as you describe) it will do you no good to confront her and make demands of her. She wont change because she cant change. The only thing you and DH can do is learn healthy, self respecting ways of dealing with her.

Purple Room

Also I sense your sadness and frustration with the whole situation.

My heart goes out to you.

RedRose

I sense that MIL will always have a problem with this son and DIL. I feel that witsend wants to control her husband and his family and because she hasn't gotten this yet she has labeled her MIL a manipulative narcissist.

MIL would be wise to concentrate on her other children where she feels respected and loved.

I believe MIL knows this.

It is often repeated here that you had a life before children and grandchilren..go enjoy it again.

I think Keys Girl is right and if wittsend wants a relationship with her MIL and her husbands family she should seriously consider doing what Keys Girl posted.

Pen

Wittsend, since you've stated that MIL is a narcissist who has pulled guilt-trip, manipulative stunts all along, you must have had some idea going in that MIL and her family would not take your email well. I'm sorry your apologies and phone calls have not brought the results you say you'd hoped for. I wish there was a "flashy thingy" like in that old movie Men In Black so we could erase people's memories after we've said or done something that riles them up. Since there isn't, Keys Girl's pecan pie is probably the next best thing! Make sure MIL has no allergies to nuts or gluten, or isn't diabetic though...or you'll be on the hot seat again.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb