March 28, 2024, 05:04:21 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


What to do

Started by wittsend, July 12, 2011, 06:34:22 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sassy

Luise - lol! masking tape and manners!

o.b.sikhquus

Quote from: luise.volta on July 14, 2011, 08:52:42 AM
I think, for me at least, that a lot of my issues could have been handled with masking tape. At first, it seemed to me that it needed to be used on others...but as I age, I doubt that's where it would have done the most good.

Luise, I learn so much from you!!!  My favorite auntie used to have a policy of never discussing anyone else.  Yes, I want to be more like that.  Tape over my mouth if need be.

P.S.  I would love to pass on a good cup of joe to someone anonymously.  But I have a problem.  I'm too cheap to buy a cup for me.  So you never find me at those food & beverage counters.  Maybe someone can think of something else I could pass on anonymously...

pam1

Quote from: Purple Room on July 13, 2011, 11:11:12 PM
As a MIL who has been called manipulative by DIL I would like to offer a different perspective.

It is very difficult to know the best way to approach a situation when you have been called manipulative. If you try to offer an explanation it can be interpreted as another attempt to manipulate. All you want to do is justify yourself because no one sees themselves as manipulative but that is also impossible. That leaves you in a powerless position so you say nothing.

It can be very difficult to know what someone else sees as manipulative. Sometimes the very best intentions can be misinterpreted.

I have heard it said that we judge ourselves on our intentions and other people on their actions.

I think if judgement calls on other peoples intentions could be left out of it and just the actions and how they make you feel could be discussed you might be able to get somewhere.

Welcome Purple Room :)

Please read the Forum Agreement if you haven't already done so.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post :)

Great perspective!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Sassy

Luise, I could remember to use both of them more often with our little cousins.  I am watching them this weekend so thanks. The less I say when rounding them up, the less they have to yell No! to. 

Wittsend I also wanted to add that big picture, it is my thought that ultimately you might have to have a different kind of relationship with MIL than you orginally wanted and expected. Maybe even thought you had sometimes.  Different with SIL and BIL too.  Not as close and open as the family you're used to.  A little more formal, more reserved, and yes, sometimes having your guard up to think before reacting.  They may not get to know the core of the real you.  It's their loss.  You're a great person to know if they knew you better, but maybe they just want surface.

I don't think the choices have to be limited to open-honest-deep relationship or no relationship, where no one's speaking.  I think there's polite relationship.  You have them with other people already.   You can do cordial.  For work relationships to work at work (say that 10 times fast) you watch what you say to whom, (5 times fast) to get along.   When only 1 person in any relationship wants mainly a surface relationship, it seems that's the most that can happen.  Pushing past limits can cause angst.

I am quoting something someone else said not me.  Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing.  I think that can be especially true when it's based mainly on someone else's problem.  (Unless someones being abused or in danger). 


luise.volta

July 14, 2011, 09:55:06 AM #19 Last Edit: July 14, 2011, 08:58:16 PM by luise.volta
Well, if it's not a cup of coffee...a smile and a kind thought for ourselves and then passed on to the person behind...known or unknown.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Sassy

::passes a cup of joe to o.b.s.::

wittsend

 I do want to thank everyone for the advice on this matter.  Yes, I wish that it was easily resolved but I think that this is an issue that will last quite awhile.  Unfortunately, the last time MIL spoke or emailed myself or husband is when she was coming to visit (has other family around also) 2 days prior before she came.  We had not spoke to her in months then out of the blue she wanted to see us and the kids.  My husband told her that in order to have a relationship w/GK that she does need to have a relationship with us first.  We did decide to sit down and invite her to lunch to discuss some issues but it did not work out for her and she wanted to visit daughter instead.  At least we tried and since then she has not spoken to us or even tried to call or email to discuss how we can solve this problem.  My husband & I are more than willing to listen and resolve this and have her get to know her grandkids but she refuses to speak to us.  I am sure next time she visits she will do the same thing and expect us to drop everything so she can see her grandkids.  But that will not happen once again if she chooses to not call us or email us prior.  It is a shame and very sad at the same time.  But I realized that I can only try so much on my end and every time I send updates on my kids I still get no response from her.  Will she EVER realize that she is only hurting herself and missing out on getting to know grandkids????
  I know I can no longer use all my energy thinking about trying to solve it and husband says when mom is ready she will contact us.  Pretty sad when she just can't come to terms that my husband and I are a team and we do think of our kids first.  We just don't want them to be disappointed by grandma since her moods are up and down especially when things do not go her way.

RedRose

Quote from: wittsend on July 12, 2011, 06:34:22 PM
  It all started when we had our daughter baptised and we did not plan it around when she was available. 

The way I see it...the baptism of a grandchild is an important occasion. You knew your MIL could not make it at that time. Why didn't you change the date? Her being upset about it would naturally be felt by her other children.
I am sure your mother would be upset if she could come at that time also.

Even though it is taking time, she will get over it..she wants to see her grandchildren.

Just my 2 cents.

RedRose

correction...If your mother could NOT come at that time

sorry

Rose799

Hi Wittsend,

I mean no offense, but maybe your mil is hurting just as much, if not more, than you & dh.  When I get hurt, I go off to lick my wounds.  Maybe she's been waiting for acknowledgement from you & ds that she got hurt?   Maybe asking to come & visit you, ds & gc 'was' her attempt at making things better?   Could it be that she felt shunned over the baptism & again when told that she couldn't see the gc till she made amends with you & ds? 

Keys Girl

Wittsend, if I read the original post properly, you deliberately scheduled the baptism of a grandchild without determining if one of the grandmothers was available and then sent an email where you accused the grandmother who was excluded of using guilt trips to manipulate her son.

I can't think of any reason that she would want to see you again, and as for her grandchildren, I wouldn't dictate to her that she has to have a relationship with you and your husband first, she doesn't have to have a relationship with anyone on the planet.  As for her "moods", if anyone treated me the way she's been treated, I wouldn't be in any hurry to visit, why put yourself at risk for another piece of "humble pie" and manipulative accusations by someone else's daughter? 

What's done is done and frankly maybe she just doesn't like someone who is 20 years younger but is trying to make her behave according to her terms.

The only people you can break apart and put back together are made of Lego.

I suggest bake a beautiful pecan pie, drive over to her house, (no husband or kids, this is between the two of you) knock on the door and beg her forgiveness for your bold and brazen behaviour.  Ask her to share the pie with you because you made her eat humble pie earlier which she didn't order on any menu.   Ask her if the two of you can start over from that day forward, and in the future, stick to your knitting, let Dr. Phil deal with other people's behaviour in the future, and never send an email to anyone that is judgmental and hostile. 

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Purple Room

Just a question I have for wittsend and I hope I word it in a way that does not create offense.

Do you want to resolve this issue for the good of all involved or do you want this issue resolved the way you have decided it should be resolved?

I ask this because you have asked "What to do" and you have received lots of support, great advice and different points of view to consider. IMO  it seems  that no matter what your MIL does you think it is wrong. Is there anything about her that you like? Does she have any good qualities? You married her son, he has good qualities -yes? He must have inherited them from somewhere.

Accusing someone of being manipulative is an overtly aggressive act. So far all the things you have said that she has done are open to interpretation as evidenced by the different opinions you have received.

Just my opinion. :)

RedRose

Quote from: wittsend on July 14, 2011, 12:44:08 PM
I do want to thank everyone for the advice on this matter.  Yes, I wish that it was easily resolved but I think that this is an issue that will last quite awhile.  Unfortunately, the last time MIL spoke or emailed myself or husband is when she was coming to visit (has other family around also) 2 days prior before she came.  We had not spoke to her in months then out of the blue she wanted to see us and the kids.  My husband told her that in order to have a relationship w/GK that she does need to have a relationship with us first.  We did decide to sit down and invite her to lunch to discuss some issues but it did not work out for her and she wanted to visit daughter instead.  At least we tried and since then she has not spoken to us or even tried to call or email to discuss how we can solve this problem.  My husband & I are more than willing to listen and resolve this and have her get to know her grandkids but she refuses to speak to us.  I am sure next time she visits she will do the same thing and expect us to drop everything so she can see her grandkids.  But that will not happen once again if she chooses to not call us or email us prior.  It is a shame and very sad at the same time.  But I realized that I can only try so much on my end and every time I send updates on my kids I still get no response from her.  Will she EVER realize that she is only hurting herself and missing out on getting to know grandkids????
  I know I can no longer use all my energy thinking about trying to solve it and husband says when mom is ready she will contact us.  Pretty sad when she just can't come to terms that my husband and I are a team and we do think of our kids first.  We just don't want them to be disappointed by grandma since her moods are up and down especially when things do not go her way.

You want presents for your children from your MIL..yet you don't want her to visit and get to know your children. I would question if she DID send gifts if her grandchildren would even know they were from her. She is avoiding confrontation with you because she does not want to make matters worse. You and your husband have basically cut her off for not being able to change her plans in order to attend an important occasion in her grandchild's life...then you are upset because of no gifts from her.

She has done nothing wrong and if you want to resolve this you will need to see her side too.

Seems like she can say the same about you if things do not go your way...that you are manipulative.

I just hate it when grandchildren are kept away from grandparents as a punishment.


lancaster lady

In my history , I was told , you must make it up with F/DIL before you can see your GC !
I had done nothing wrong . she took something written meant for my Dd for herself ! Not my problem ,
however ,it started a whole load of problems which I couldn't ignore .
Long story ...however after many discussions , I approached her after months of silence
in order to see my GD .
It depends what you want out of your relationship and how far you are willing to fix it .
I think your MIL doesn't want to discuss it , but to go on as normal .she was willing to come and visit but not
to dissect the problem .
We settled our problems by  email , going over each others dilemmas, but if one won't discuss anything ....
stalemate !

Ruth

I honestly believe that if a child or S/Dil told me that I had to have a relationship with them before I would be permitted to have a relationship with GC I would be beyond furious.   It would be a cold day in *&!* before I would forgive the offender, but I would eventually of course if sincere apology were made.  Children deserve a grandparent and it is very unkind to deprive them of it under any circumstances at all if the GP is a good and kind person.  Please rethink this and offer a sincere apology.  Life is too short for trouble that can be avoided and what joys are forfeited over things that can be avoided.  spoken to you dear one, with humility because I was a hellcat when I was younger and had to learn much in the school of hard knocks.  blessings & peace.