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What "boundaries" are acceptable to In-laws

Started by just2baccepted, December 04, 2009, 09:10:30 PM

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Aisling

Anna, you're right, they should be grateful that you're providing such a valuable service for free.  (I was in several daycares/after school care for years, and I don't recall having ever gone on a field trip with any of them; I much preferred when my grandparents watched us, because we could go on picnics and to the park and such.)

Maybe it's a problem not so much with what you're asking as how you're asking it.  (An aside: Interpersonal Communications was the most useful class I ever took in college.)  Your DIL might be hearing connotations in your requests that are unmeant, and reacting to them.  Could you provide, as close to verbatim as possible, an example or two of how you ask your son/DIL these questions?  Maybe we can help you find a new way to ask that makes everyone happy.

2chickiebaby

Anna,
This is a hard situation to be in for you.  If you say something to your DIL, to put it plainly, it might bite you in the end.  She might hold that against you for years.  If you don't say something, it will eat at you till you are bitter.

If you say something to your DIL, can you bear up to the consequences?  Can you take it if she tells your son what you said?  She might tell your son verbatim what you said but she might not, unfortunately.

I wonder, can you get them both together and talk to them? This would be so no words could be twisted.  Ask them both for permission to take the kids to the park or something close by.  This way your son can hear what you said.

I know you don't want any trouble and the fear of not seeing those grandkids again is awful.  It would be for me.....the burden of you having to bear all this is awful too for you.  You are worth something......you might be giving off the signal of desperation. 

When you're desperate, you'll just allow someone to use you up.  Don't do that to Anna. :) She deserves better than that.   

Aisling

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 06, 2009, 05:03:21 AM
I wonder, can you get them both together and talk to them?

This is a very good idea.  I would add, also, that this should be done when the children aren't around.  Kids get excited easily, and talking about these fabulous things you want to do with them where they can hear will get them worked up, which could be seen as trying to pressure your son and DIL into agreeing.

cremebrulee

I am a very independent person and couldn't have people in my life constantly...my schedule doesn't allow it, as I'm now a very busy woman...however, there must be boundaries when it comes to your son and his wife.  He has a new life, a new set of rules...and a new DIL cannot wait to start up her own home, be her own boss and please her husband.  Therefore, here are the things I would do....

Here is what I would do if my DIL and I got along
These are things I've learned through experience...

1.  I would never just stop by...my mom and dad used to do that all the time and it drove me up a wall.  I would call them first and set up a time to go over.  I really do not like it when people just stop by without calling first. 

2.  I wouldn't call them all the time...I'd let her or him call me...more so...

3.  I wouldn't say to her, I would do it this way or that way...b/c when you do...she may be insulted thinking that you mean, she is not doing it right. 

4.  If I would ever go to visit them again, which I won't, I would stay in a motel, as I would want my own privacy and would want some quality time touring the area by myself....last time I went to visit them, I took out a loan, to wine and dine them and take them all over the city touring...she didn't want to do anything but sit around and go to these dumps...fast food resurants for dinner.  I was paying, but she didn't care....she never asked me what I wanted to do. 

5.  I would never give her suggestions on how to raise her child...or make her feel like when I asked her to do something with me, she had to or my feelings would get hurt....she cannot live up to my expections, nor I hers

6.  I would never take my son aside and give him money...behind her back...my MIL used to do that and it made me so mad.  Not the part about giving him money, just the fact that she played that game, it used to really irritate me.

7.  I would never ever buy her personal items for they're household...my MIL purchased my china and my stemware and never asked me what I liked.

8.  When my son and DIL were getting married, I never interferred, it was their wedding, they're day....not mine....I told her if she needed help or anything else, to let me know...and I'd be happy to oblige...

9.  This is a biggy...when your son chooses a wife...your life with him as you knew it, will definately change, and you should allow that...he is married now, and they need time together to get used to each other...let them alone and just be there for them when they need you or want to talk to you...not everyone thinks and feels like you do...and visa versa...and it doesn't make your right and her wrong, or visa versa...but you must respect her culture.....which will be different then yours...and if they don't come to your home as much as her parents home, so be it...don't put up a fuss about it...it puts your son in the middle, and if you force him to choose, there is only one choice he's going to make and you have to respect that and let them alone.   

In the same always be a lady...never talk to your son about things you do not like about your DIL...if you do, he will take it as you are berating her...and won't understand, your hurting and telling him how she has hurt you...so leave it go, b/c it is a no win situation, and when it comes to young dysfunctional immature and selfish DIL's, believe me, she will win at all costs...




2chickiebaby

Thank you....I think I understand.  We have raised very good guys and I guess many women are predators who prey on that kind.  Unbelievable.  It makes me regret raising them like that but how could I not?  We are wired to do that....we raised them as we were raised.  Gentlemen at all cost.

The thing that really rattles me is that they are gorgeous men and have equally gorgeous wives...troubled.. but gorgeous.  I would have traded a plain girl any day for these beauty queens.  Sometimes, underneath the beauty, there's a very insecure person. 

cremebrulee

yes, my DIL is a knock out...a trophy wife...
it's a shame, b/c I know so many more people that have marvelous relationships with their DIL's. 
My son's friends have always kept in contact with me...two of them are dating now, and they still call me mom...that is so precious.  And I'm honored that they still come around. 

Not every dysfunctional DIL is a knock out...but a lot of them are...in my DIL's case, she had such a dysfunctional mother...and my DIL learned how to be manipulative to get attention, even if it's negative...she really needs a huge amount of attention....24/7.  It's such a shame...we both are missing so much. 

I'm over the hate, and actually I never hated her, I hated her behavior...

she is not someone I would be friends with on the outside.  She is so insecure, she made a really big stink out of the fact that the first time I saw my GD in a long time, she ran out in the pature, with the goats and horses and I was so smiling inside...I said..."my isn't she the little tomboy".  Well...the next day in the car, she was sulking and now, I'm sure that is why she stood up and walked out of the resturant.  She wouldn't allow me to sit in the back seat with my GD...(she wanted to and I hadn't seen her in so long) and she said..."ohhhhh daughter, you are so beautiful, and your such a girly girl....you put on your make up just right, your outfit is so pretty, you picked out the right colors...your so beautiful...such a girly girl..." and kept repeating this over and over again.... ::)  Man oh man, that was weird.  Then she tells my son, I really hurt her when I said that b/c she trys so hard to make her daughter a little lady?  You don't make your children...and some of the most beautiful women in the world are tomboys....Sheeesh...I came back and told my young friend at work...she got so pissed...she said..."oh, I swear, I cannot stand what your son is allowing your DIL to do to you, she was just looking for something!"  My DIL is a great actress and will get attention anyway she can. 

2chickiebaby

Dear Creme,
You have a way of telling what has happened to us that makes sense for the first time.  I am so grateful for you!!!!  Thank you!!

Pen

Yes, thanks Creme. Regarding the list, I have followed it from day one to the letter, but have still been shunned by DIL. Now she seems to be willing to spend time with us again, so maybe it worked after all, with just a bit of a delayed reaction:) My husband was not amused after her Thanksgiving rudeness, so he's on "wait & see" status (says she has ulterior motives)...however, I'm ever hopeful that things will improve. BTW, she's a glamorpuss too...totally girly-girl. I love fashion and girly stuff, too, but reality set in a few years ago and I must work within my limits :) Also, DH likes outdoor activities and I love doing that stuff with him. I'd rather have a new mountain bike than a diamond ring, which DIL does not understand.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

Quote from: Anna on December 10, 2009, 12:19:09 PM
My dil has a dysfunctional mom too.  Her mother has let her down countless times.  I have always tried to do what I say.  If I say I will babysit, I do, If I say I will buy them supper I do. if I say I will help them decorate, I do etc.  I don't believe in making promises I can't keep.  My dil is also gorgeous.  The rollercoaster ride with her is exhausting.  I never know what is right or wrong to say.  I do not know anyone else like her.  We have to be very careful what we say.  She tends to take EVERYTHING as a critism.  If she would just not be so uptight.  My dil changed as soon as her first child was born.  She isolated herself, her hubby, & her new son.  Didn't want to let anyone close to them.  She still tries to isolate them from us.  Does everthing she can to keep us from having a close relationship with our grandchildren.  Se doesn't like it if we want to do anything fun with our grandchildren.  How dare we, these are her children, why would WE want to do anything fun with them?  She just doesn't understand the dynamics of the grandparent/grandchild relationship.  I think she feels we are trying to steal her children away.  I am not, just wnat to be a Nana.  If she only knew that children have a huge capacity for love.  They can give & receive love with no limits.  There is enough for everyone.  Bottom line for me is I just want to be allowed to have my turn at being a grandmother.

It was the same way with me...I didn't talk much...honestly...if I did, she would definately find something I said as a personal attack against her?  And yanno what happened....I found myself actually being afraid to show my son attention, to hug him, or to even call him honey. 

Now that I don't care about anymore, (what I mean is walking on egg shells trying to please her) he and I talk a lot on the phone now...and I'll take anything I can get right now...but...I can freely call him honey without being afraid that I'm going to hurt her feelings...or make her jealous...it's so much easier.  So, yes, I do know exactly how your family feels...it's awful...your damned if you do, and damned if you don't...and the harder you try, the more your rejected...they find fault with anything...it's so hard, you can't be yourself any longer...can you imagine, for one moment, living with that....sheesh?