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Acknowledgement of daughter’s pregnancy.

Started by not like the movies, July 10, 2011, 06:57:42 PM

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not like the movies

Acknowledgement of daughter's pregnancy.

My 26yr old daughter is pregnant. She is married with one child. She met a guy on the internet. He moved here about six months from out of state to be with her. She moved in to an apartment with him (still married to her husband no divorce filed). She is five months pregnant. I did not know about the new guy or the situation until maybe two months ago. A week prior to him moving here she cut off all contact with me and her brother. She did no want us to know so blamed the withdrawal on some other crazy things that made no sense. Her husband is the one that told us the real scoop. In a few of her hateful e-mails she told me she was pregnant because of my choices I won't be a part of it. Advance time and new e-mail criticizes me because I have not acknowledged her pregnancy, spoken of it, and have shunned it completely. Latest e-mail yesterday citing this. I want to respond only don't know what to say other than how I feel. Having trouble finding the words. I am feeling protective of me. Had I known she would use my grandson as a pawn I would have evaluated my involvement more seriously. I would not have bonded so strongly. He has been hurt and well as my husband and I. We have had to go through a grieving process due to his absence. My daughter had a lot of health problems when he was younger. He is five yesterday. He was at our home a lot so my daughter could deal with her issues. He had is own room here. One weekend sleep over a month. He was here average three days a week. I would pick him up and keep him until is daddy picked him up after work. I feel betrayed. Many times we had the grandson here I assumed she was resting and taking care of her needs. And she was but she was caring on an internet affair too. I am pretty sure that was time consuming. Not sure how much of the grandson here was her guilt because o possible neglect of her computer time. She told us she was resting. With the new knowledge of the boyfriend I see more clearly. We have been very bonded to grandson. We have been like surrogate parents for a long while now. We did this willing because we thought there was true need. I feel manipulated and deceived. I don't feel excited about a new grandchild given the circumstances. I am not full of joy about the possible bonding of a new grandchild that may be a future pawn. I have seen the hurt and devastation our grandson has experienced. That has been the most painful part. We can and have been able to process this and learn to cope but he is only five. He is confused about it. He asked us to stop being mean to his mommy so he could come back. I struggled to hold back the tears on that one.

I want to say something brief to acknowledge her about the pregnancy but lost what it should be.

BTW....this is the first weekend in a long line of weekends I had not one single obligation. I am still in my pajamas and my car never left the garage. I have been reading here, watching movies, called some friends, BBQ'd with my husband, napped, played music, played my favorite game scrabble. Someone came to the door and we did not even answer it. We felt like kids hiding. We both work during the week. We both have both sets of parents living. The dads are 90 and 91. The moms are 86. We have a busy weekend life visiting and helping where we can. My folks are in assisted living. His folks are still in there own home but struggle with some odds and ends.
I feel so renewed. Just wanted to share and say thanks for being out there.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

luise.volta

I would say something like the fact that I acknowledge that she has made some choices with consequences that are going to have long range effects on those that love her and that you are are.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

Hi NLTM:

If it was my daughter , I would have to have a no holes barred conversation with her .
She has hurt you and all of her family , why pussyfoot around . She also realises that she needs you
more than you need her , that's why she has contacted you .
She has shown her true colours , time for you to show yours .
That wee GS of yours needs to know he's secure , he's too young to play these manipulative games , and for that reason
I would certainly challenge her .
If she wants you in her life , there has to be a few changes , we are not robots without feelings !

justus

First, once the baby gets here, how it was conceived won't matter. So do congratulate her on her pregnancy.

Then tell her you are confused about what she wants from you. First, you were very involved, but now you have been shut out. You don't know what is the right thing to do here, you don't know what she expects or wants out of you. No matter what you do, it seems to be wrong. You miss her and your GS, and you would love to be a part of this new baby's life, but given her recent behavior, you don't trust that is going to happen.

Don't attack her, be gentle, she is pregnant and hormonal, and know that once the dust settles, you will probably be back in her life as you were before. But, don't let her off easy. However, do give her an out. She has painted herself into a corner.

BTW, I bet she is playing at happy families with her DS and her new guy and I bet that is part of the reason you aren't seeing GS. That and she may not want to give up the time she has with him since I bet his Dad gets him half the time. And, I bet she knows that introducing her lover to her family is going to be rocky at first and is putting that off for as long as she can.

Whatever you do, let her know that you love her. I just posted about SD being in love with another guy. DH said he told her that no matter what she does, he is still her father and he will always love her. He said she sounded relieved to hear that from him. Your DD may just need to know exactly that.

Sassy

Your DD is going through something.  I don't know how your relationship with her was before she began the affair,  and left her marriage.  I understand why you have to protect yourself.  I think that is a healthy, normal reaction.  My hope is once her deceit and shame stops burning so hot, she will settle down and come around.  I know you will have to continue to protect your heart when she does, but I do hope you get to see your little grandson regularly again.

Because she  is going through something (started before she was pregnant), and is pregnant, she is running hot and cold.  I imagine she goes through cycles of shame, and possible regret, and then a surge of independence and righteousness for her to persue her own happiness.  However, I think the message she sent you that she would like acknowledgement is probably true.  Maybe DD imagines any love or approval she could extract from your acknowledgement will help lessen her shame cycle.

I wonder if there is a way you could acknowledge the pregnancy, like with a card or a very short note, in the same polite and basically "impersonal" tone you would if it were someone at the office or on your block.  "Congratulations on your pregnancy.  Wishing you health and blessings."  If that would make you feel vulnerable, I could see why you wouldn't do it.  If in your mind, it could be relegated to a mere social gesture (as opposed to a statement about her new relationship), I don't know if sending that would be something you'd one day regret doing.   

I suppose I offer these thoughts with the goal of how to have a somewhat "cordial" relationship with her at some point, without being close and involved with her.  I don't know if that's your actual goal, of course.

Pooh

I think you will have to answer what Scoop noted before I can answer honestly.  What is your goal? 

She is making some bad choices and she needs to deal with the consequences.  You can be supportive from afar without being dragged into the drama.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Scoop

Pooh, now I'm going to have to learn time travel to be able to go back in time and post before you!  I know you meant Sassy, I'm just teasing you.

I like what Justus wrote about welcoming the baby.

----------------
Dear DD,

I love you and miss you.  I love DGS and miss him too.  I would so love to be a part of this new baby's life.

I am confused about what you want from me.  I was very involved, especially with DGS, and now I feel like I've been shut out of your lives.  I don't know the right thing to do in this situation and I don't know what you expect of me.

I'm sorry I didn't congratulate you before now on your new little family member.  You know I only wish for the best for you and your little family.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help out and please keep me updated on you, DGS and the new little one.

Love,
Mom
---------

Is that too gushy for you?  Does it say anything that you don't think is true?  (Even though it leaves out a lot of the 'rest' of the story.)

You'll notice that I took out the part about "given her recent behavior, you don't trust that is going to happen" - because that sounded like a 'dig' to me.  I also changed the "now you have been shut out" to an "I feel" statement.  It's less accusatory and shows YOUR perception of the situation.

Good luck, you're in a hard situation. 

justus

Scoop, you would think I would be sensitive to those sorts of statements that can be taken as a dig, but I seem to blind to them even when they are directed at me. That is why I sometimes have DH look over any email I send to someone who I have any sort of contentious relationship with.

Scoop

Oh Justus, I hope you didn't think that was a criticism of you!  I really liked what you had written, especially the part about after the baby arrives, the circumstance of his/her conception won't matter.  I just tweaked the rest a little bit.

I think that's why putting anything down in writing is a virtual mine field.  NLTM - can you call your DD and say these nice words instead?  That leaves even less room for misinterpretation.


Pooh

Quote from: Scoop on July 11, 2011, 07:41:47 AM
Pooh, now I'm going to have to learn time travel to be able to go back in time and post before you!  I know you meant Sassy, I'm just teasing you.


Lol.  Sorry guys.  Yes, should have been Sassy....I still have Hee Haw hangover.....
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

not like the movies

thanks a ton ladies...I responded today. I used some of the great ideas posted here. Appreciate it.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!