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Daughter not invited to best friend's wedding

Started by amflautist, July 06, 2011, 07:43:50 am

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amflautist

Our family has been best friends with two children of another family for 25 years.  Their son and daughter call us mum and dad, they show up for every holiday and spend every New Year's eve with us, playing all our favorite board games.  Now the son is getting married.  DH, DS and I have been invited, but not DD.  Why?  Because the new bride considers DD a threat.

DD feels left out, wants to come home to be with us while our DS goes to the wedding.  We have said yes.  What do I say to her to console her?  What wise words can I offer?

Was I wrong to decline the invitation? 

Pooh

I don't think you were wrong.  I think if there has truly been no conflict between your DD and the couple, then I would have to stand by my DD.  It's truly cruel to invite everyone but her if there have been no issues, just because someone is jealous. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Ther is no right or wrong. Do what your heart says and know that whatever you do, some will understand and some won't. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

my own DD doesn't want to go to her DB's wedding because of all the hurt they caused me .
She hates the bride to be , even more so now with all the financial stress my Ds is under .
My DD blames her future SIL for the predicament that her DB is now in .
Before her met his future DW , he had no debt , lots of friends , laughed a lot , had fun going out ,
a different man than you see today . she has always been close to her brother and hates
to see the change in him .
I have said that this is the person he has chosen to marry , you can either accept that and her ,
or not and face an estrangement with your brother .

Amflautist :
the bride's family are going to wonder why you have declined are you going to tell them ?
this coming wedding in my family is causing so much stress ....who said they were happy occasions ?

amflautist

[quote author=lancaster lady link=topic=1855.msg43903#msg43903 date=1309966968
Amflautist :
the bride's family are going to wonder why you have declined are you going to tell them ?
this coming wedding in my family is causing so much stress ....who said they were happy occasions ?
[/quote]

I have thought about this for quite a while, and decided not to tell them why.  It would only hurt someone if I did so.  I think this is the case for a little white lie.  My lie is this: I can't take the time off from work because I am in the middle of a project that needs to be completed in July.  (TRUE, by the way!)  DH could have gone, and intended to go with DD, until we found out that DD wasn't invited.  So we will do a very polite, very sorry, decline.  We will send a nice gift and a very gracious card - inviting the groom and his new wife to join us for all the usual holidays and New Year's eve parties.  I am going to ask my DS (who is going) not to make anyone feel bad by saying anything either.  I don't want our friend, the groom, to feel bad because of the bride's tacky choices.


cd1029

You could ask the groom if a mistake had been made that your daughter was not included.  You are within your rights to do this.

He is the one who has spent so much time at your home, he is the one to ask.  His parents probably don't even know who is invited.

If he says his wife to be is jealous or doens't want the daughter, then you can tell him you are sorry but that you go as a family or stay home as a family.

And that is what you tell the parents if they ask.

You do not need to protect the bride by silence.  You can answer the questions about why you aren't going with confidence.  This is not on you.

amflautist

Thank you for your advice cd.  The groom's sister has already told us the reason DD was not invited.  It is not a mystery, and I am sure the groom's parents also know.  I don't think the groom will be either surprised or hurt that we are not attending.  Our bond is stronger than that. 

Your statement about protecting the bride is interesting.  In my head, I was only concerned with protecting the groom, and our relationship with him. 

luise.volta

Have you told us the reason? Did I miss it?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

amflautist

"Because the new bride considers DD a threat."

The bride doesn't want any of the groom's old female friends to be there.  Groom and our DD were never boyfriend/girlfriend.  They were simply ski buddies, family buddies, new year's eve buddies.  (They were ski racers in the same club.  Neither groom nor our DD ever had a New Year's eve date while they were growing up, nor while they were in college.  Thus the commisery and companionship and board games every holiday and New Year's eve).

There is absolutely no reason for the bride to be jealous of DD. 

If it weren't so politically incorrect, I would tell you candidly what the rest of the groom's family thinks of his choice! 

luise.volta

Far be it for us to ever be politically incorrect. :o

And it's sad that insecurity is the foundation (or lack thereof) of her end of the relationship. Not a good sign. He's in for it! :(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama