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Adult Daughters

Started by hurtingmotherofthebride, July 05, 2011, 09:04:28 pm

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hurtingmotherofthebride

This is my first post so hopefully I am doing it right.

Ever since my daughters became adults we have had many problems. I have done my best to give them everything (maybe I gave them too much). My own mother (86 years old) tells me that she never had problems with me and can not understand why they treat me the way they do. and that I spoiled them.

My oldest daughter is getting married in 8 months and even though we are paying the majority of the wedding costs, we have been told that it is their wedding and we have no input (including the guest list). Her father and my husband has always spoiled them and always takes their side (no matter what)...Daddy's little girls.

My youngest has moved back in after a failed relationship, lost her home and business. She now has a new boyfriend that does not have a good job and expects her to cover 50% and more when they go out. It hurts me to see this guy taking advantage of her and I have tried to voice my opinion on her but that is causing huge fights. She only works part time and we do not charge her a cent.

Hopefully other mothers can give me advice on how to deal with both my girls for I am feeling so upset and alone. I feel that no one cares if I lived or died...

pam1

Welcome Hurtingmotherofthebride :)

If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement under the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Weddings seem to bring out the crazy in people, I hope it passes soon. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

lancaster lady

hi there HMOB......and Welcome ....
All I can say is stand back !
Let them make their own mistakes , the more you point them out , the more alienated you will become .
It's hard to watch but they have to learn , and this is the only way , that way they can't appoint any blame
your way .
Mr son gets married next month , and I echo all your thoughts .
Do not take any abuse or disrespect though that's where I draw the line .
Eight months to go ....good luck .

Pooh

Welcome HMOB.  Weddings and funerals seem to bring out the worst in people, bless your heart.  I think as a Mother and if I was contributing the majority, I would not be trying to "plan" the wedding, but I would be overseeing the budget.  I would be supportive of want she wants as in venue, colors, number of bridesmaids, invitations, etc., as long as it falls within monetary reason.  I do think it's her day and she should be able to have things how they would like it, within reason.  Now when it comes to the guests, I don't think many young people understand what I call "polite" guests.  I do not think parents should invite tons of people that the young couple may not know, as it is their day, but there are certain people that are invited many times because it's polite.

I guess none of that made sense, so let me try it this way.  I invited my boss to my Son's wedding.  My Son didn't really know my boss, but I do really well, and I have attended both of her children's wedding as a guest.  It's probably old school of me, but inviting your boss was always the politically correct thing to do.  I also invited my two best friends, that I have had for 31 years.  Now my DS knows them as they were around his entire life, but my DIL didn't.  She scoffed at me a little for inviting them.  I also invited about 5 family members that DIL really didn't know.  I had attended all their children's special events and DS spent plenty of time with them growing up, but DIL didn't.  I also invited about 8 other coworkers and friends that neither DS nor DIL knew.  These were the same people that I invited to her bridal shower, that came, brought a gift for them, not because they really knew them but because they know me.  I have bought for all their children over the years as well.  I personally would have found it really tacky to invite them to the shower, and when they attended, not invite them to the wedding.  I noticed my FDIL didn't care how many people I invited to her bridal shower, nor did she care if she knew them, but it became a different attitude when it came to the wedding. 

Other than that, it was all guests that DIL did know from our side of the family.  I didn't go overboard but I wanted those people there as they were important to me and my children's lives.  To me, it was no different than all of DIL's family that were invited that DS had never met.  I do understand that over time, DS will probably spend a little time with them, as they are part of her family.  I had those same thoughts as to the people I invited.  These were the people that DIL would more than likely spend some time with, had we ended up having a good relationship. 

I do think a wedding should belong to the couple for the most part, but I also believe that if either or both sides are contributing, they should have some input on what guests they would like to have there, as long as it's reasonable.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Welcome - It seems to me that planning a wedding can sometimes be too complex a production for two families that don't know each and two young people who are just starting out. There is a great deal in it that involves diverse customs and preferences. Personalities that have never learned to work together, come together. The bride is the star but both participants are leaving homes where others were in control to one degree or another. Usually no one has done it before or at least not in the same way. On top of that, with every new generation the whole thing changes. Could anything be more loaded?

It's half an hour plus a meal. It isn't needed to join a couple legally and it doesn't keep couples together. If a little girl starts dreaming of it when she is four, it's probably not even possible to live up to all of that.

Fund what part of it you are required to that you can afford...answer questions minimally and carefully, perform tasks as given, hold back on opinions, keep your reactions to yourself, smile a lot and show up.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

justus

Yeah, what Pooh said about the wedding.

About the other DD, well, you don't want her to go all Romeo and Juliet on you, so it is best to back off, keep your opinions to yourself, and find a reason to like the guy. You might just be insulting or criticizing your future SIL, and this is the complete wrong foot to start out on. She is an adult, step out of her business.

However, if you think she should be contributing to the household, then make that happen. Otherwise, you have nothing to say about how or where she spends her money.

I know how hard it is to have an adult child living with you. DD recently got her Masters and is now looking for a job while living with us. It is a big house, so it isn't crowded, but at the same time, she isn't a kid anymore and needs to start taking some responsibility for keeping the place clean, the dishes washed, etc... We buy the food and cook it, the least she can do is wash the dishes. And, she is around all the time. I wish she had some guy to go out with.

This sort of thing is hard to navigate.

tinyspirit

i was sort of stuck in the same situation several years ago. my daughter expected me to pay for her wedding but i was not allowed to help in any way. i was working 65 hours a week, then getting phone calls from her on what i needed to pay for next. we lived in the same county..... she and the future mother in law picked out the dress, i got a book lay-ed in my door with circled pictures of the cake topper, balloons, invitations ect.... A very nice store owner called me and we had met once without my daughter to get approval on what my kid had picked out. Later the store owner told me that my daughter had came in and picked out some more things that was going to cost a pretty big amount and i told the store owner, with much guilt i might add, "no."  the kicker came when i was called from another store owner wanting my credit card number for payment. my child, her dad, future husband, his dad, mom and so on were picking out tuxes. i told the store owner there was no credit card number to give her and hung up. i was chewed out for making her look bad but she never discussed anything with me..just sprung it on me. needless to say what she wanted from then on out was paid for by herself and her future husband. she was mad, yeah, but i got to cut back on work and get some much needed rest. i felt like i was being used and it felt good for that to stop.

luise.volta

Welcome TS - And good for you! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

Welcome Tinyspirit :)

If you haven't already done so please read the Forum Agreement under the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so, not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Good for you!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

Welcome, Tinyspirit. I agree, good for you! It's not easy to say no to our kids, but it's harder to deal with being taken advantage of in the long run. I have a very difficult time with it, but I'm learning.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb