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What do you think are realistic expectations for grandparents t

Started by Smilesback@u, July 02, 2011, 07:52:15 AM

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Pen

I was raised with a strict schedule by a stay-at-home mom & a dad with regular working hours, but was myself a working mom with busy kids/DH. We managed to make time for the GPs when they came to visit. My hope is that in this day and age of instant messages via any number of technical devices that my DS & DIL can coordinate with us even though they may have busy schedules. There are many ways to work it out if one is motivated; IMO it shouldn't always be the GPs (or always the same set of them) who have to give in.

If I rarely saw my DS & his family, and traveled at great expense and effort to visit, I think I'd be a little miffed if I were treated as a distant aquaintance and not a close relative. It would be hard not to be hurt. Much admiration to you, cd1029, for getting beyond that.

And who knows, when I become a GM I may not want to spend so much time with the GKs! They could turn out to be horrid little buggers!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

Well my DS and family are about to move in with me .....so I'll let you know !

Smilesback@u

Quote from: Pen on July 02, 2011, 05:40:41 PM
I was raised with a strict schedule by a stay-at-home mom & a dad with regular working hours, but was myself a working mom with busy kids/DH. We managed to make time for the GPs when they came to visit. My hope is that in this day and age of instant messages via any number of technical devices that my DS & DIL can coordinate with us even though they may have busy schedules. There are many ways to work it out if one is motivated; IMO it shouldn't always be the GPs (or always the same set of them) who have to give in.

If I rarely saw my DS & his family, and traveled at great expense and effort to visit, I think I'd be a little miffed if I were treated as a distant aquaintance and not a close relative. It would be hard not to be hurt. Much admiration to you, cd1029, for getting beyond that.

And who knows, when I become a GM I may not want to spend so much time with the GKs! They could turn out to be horrid little buggers!
Yes, I agree with you on several counts...and you put into words some of the hurt I am going through in trying to establish a working relationship with son and DIL.  I love the GK so it is worth it to keep trying and your ideas are much appreciated. 

Smilesback@u

Quote from: Pooh on July 02, 2011, 11:12:44 AM
Welcome Smiles.  I think expectations is what gets us all in trouble.  I think your solution of staying in a hotel, taking them to dinner and pitching in when you feel like it is a wonderful idea to try.  They may not like it, but I think you are being very reasonable.
You hit it on the head Pooh.  And thanks for the support on the hotel idea, dinner, pitching in - up to my comfort level.  I think I get into a black & white thinking, either I will do it all, or I won't.  Thanks,

Smilesback@u

Quote from: Pen on July 02, 2011, 05:40:41 PM
I was raised with a strict schedule by a stay-at-home mom & a dad with regular working hours, but was myself a working mom with busy kids/DH. We managed to make time for the GPs when they came to visit. My hope is that in this day and age of instant messages via any number of technical devices that my DS & DIL can coordinate with us even though they may have busy schedules. There are many ways to work it out if one is motivated; IMO it shouldn't always be the GPs (or always the same set of them) who have to give in.

If I rarely saw my DS & his family, and traveled at great expense and effort to visit, I think I'd be a little miffed if I were treated as a distant aquaintance and not a close relative. It would be hard not to be hurt. Much admiration to you, cd1029, for getting beyond that.

And who knows, when I become a GM I may not want to spend so much time with the GKs! They could turn out to be horrid little buggers!

yeah, a distant acquaintance and not a close relative...that's exactly how I feel I am being treated -- and I want to try to correct that.  My belief is that my DIL wants me to do all this "work" when I visit in order to get her "nod of approval" that I am a close relative.  I say BAH HUMBUG!  I raised my son and deserve that respect as I have earned it!  I get a little testy sometimes. 

Smilesback@u

Quote from: pam1 on July 02, 2011, 09:35:23 AM
Welcome Smilesback@u :)

If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement under the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I agree with Luise, I think no expectations is the best way to go -- on both sides.  Personally I find your DS/DIL expectations for your visits to be very unreasonable.  I would not be comfortable staying in their home.  Like you, I don't mind helping out but having an expectation of cleaning and cooking would be too much for me.

I think expectations are hard not to express so that is something to work on - as I make sense of my new role. My relationship now with my son and DIL is topsy turvy.  I really believe I am learning to let go of my expectations, and boy! it is not easy.  Thanks luise and pam,

Smilesback@u

Quote from: amflautist on July 02, 2011, 12:02:34 PM
Ha!  This one is easy! 

My DIL does not welcome me in her home.  In fact, I am decidedly unwelcome there.  Whereas her parents come all the time, stay in her house, and take her on vacations with them.  My DS on the other hand, has to sneak around to call me or email me when she-who-must-be-obeyed is not present.

I live in eastern Canada, my son lives in Vancouver.  My plan, when the gc come, is as follows.  I will not make dinner for DIL, nor will I clean her house.  I will stay at a hotel and take the kids to the zoo.  I will dress in fairy costumes, or frog costumes, and be the fun grandparent at birthday parties.  I will be the doting grandparent who buys frivolous amusements for the kids, and takes them on fabulous vacations, but does not perform chores for the mommy.

Maybe you want to consider these options.  (Don't be afraid of the frog costume or the bunny ears and bunny footwear - 'cause I don't fear it, and I am a whole decade older than you.  I'm planning on being a whacky, fun-loving grandma!  This is all going to be on my terns, cause I am sick of the one-sided treatment I have been receiving.)
WOW!  I think you have a similar situation and put it really well too.  I guess I have the same challenges --nice to know I am not alone - THANKS!  My son used to only talk to me on speakerphone, or when he was at the park with the girls.  He says he loves his job, but home is stressful.  I know how busy working parents are too.  Amflautist - you are incredibly fun!  I LOVE YOUR ATTITUDE to be the FUN Grammy, and not Cinderella  ;D 

Smilesback@u

Quote from: Pen on July 02, 2011, 02:53:49 PM
Welcome Smilesback@u, glad you're here. I don't have any GC yet, but am saving up everyone's advice for when I do. The only times DH & I have been invited to DIL's/DS's home is to help them move and clean. So, the writing's on the wall as they say...

We can only be taken advantage of if we allow it. I don't know, it's a hard call if there's a chance you could lose all access to DS & GC.

And welcome to you as well, Amflautist! I think my destiny is to be "whacky, fun grandma" too, since DIL's FOO has already claimed top spot. We'll have more fun, for sure.
Yeah, sounds like you can have that feeling too that DIL will be closer to their families.  And I realize that if I don't go along with the program of working and babysitting for them when I visit, well then, there is this tension that I am contributing.  I am afraid that no one will want me around the GK if I don't do what they want.  I know there is a compromise we can strike if I wasn't feeling so stubborn.  So it might be worth it to me to just do what they want for the short time we are together ( :-[    Thanks for understanding Pen. 

Smilesback@u

Quote from: Pooh on July 02, 2011, 11:19:42 AM
That and I think they look at your visit as a "Yay, I can get a break now, Mom is coming."  Which is not all bad and I think most GM's are willing to pitch in and help while they are there, but the DD/DS/DIL or SIL forget that for many GP's, it's also their vacation.  I think it takes both sides thinking about each other to create a good balance.
Right, "give me a break" syndrome.  I work full time and visiting GK is a treat on my vacation - not the only thing I want to do.  I don't remember resenting getting up with the kids all that much, but I was tired.  I also didn't expect my parents to work/babysit when they visited.  I did resent my parents not hanging out, chill, but they also wanted to sightsee and visit friends.  I just don't feel that I am supposed to work to give them a break or make their lives easier.  I thought visiting meant we get happy together -- instead the message seems to be we get stressed together.  UGH!  I don't want to visit under that pressure.  I might have to be the Whacky GM - and that could be a lot of fun dressing up and stuff.     ;)

Smilesback@u

Quote from: cd1029 on July 02, 2011, 04:57:46 PM
One of the things I had to learn as a MIL/GM is that the parents work to different schedules than I do.  When I was raising my children, we had dinner at the same time every night, a cooked breakfast, lunch on the weekends, etc ...

Today's families have two working parents, schedules that are constantly changing, children who don't want to eat now and so on.

It took me a long time to realize that I am not invited to dinner because they are not having dinner until much later that night, or they stopped for burgers on the way home, something of that sort.

We too stay in a hotel and visit for a few hours at a time, if they invite us to dinner, then we gladly go, but do not get our feelings hurt if they don't.
That's another way to look at it, and less stressful too! A few hours at a time, and dinner on our own.  sounds do-able -  Thanks cd. 

Pen

I resent being the slave no matter who I'm visiting or sharing a vacation with! You know how there's always one or two people (usually women) who end up doing most of the cooking and cleaning at the family reunion? The entitled DILs, MILs, SILs, FILs, and most of the teens are relaxing and enjoying themselves while the drudgey DILs/MILs are working nonstop to make sure everyone has food, drink, clean linens, etc. I can't imagine being so self-involved that I'd just sit and let everyone else do everything for me. I guess if you show up in reality-wear, rather than freshly manicured and tailored to the nines, you'll be given the drudge work, LOL. Note to self: more stilettos and French mani/pedis, less jeans and Ts.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

Exactly Pen!  I was raised to always help out when I'm a guest and really, anymore it's not even conscious, I help with whatever they let me do.  Set the table, clean the table...whatever, I do it.  I couldn't imagine just sitting there expecting to be served.  However, I wouldn't want anyone demanding my help lol.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

I don't go into other women's kitchens and offer to help because I have always felt insecure about my skills in that department and don't want them exposed. What comes from that is judgment about my sitting in the living room...and it is much worse than it would have been about not slicing and dicing correctly. None-the-less, I can't go there.

Just another point of view. All of it is deeply rooted in my experience of my mother's slavery (my concept) and my early-on determination not to follow in her footsteps.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u

Quote from: Pen on July 03, 2011, 09:22:56 AM
I resent being the slave no matter who I'm visiting or sharing a vacation with! You know how there's always one or two people (usually women) who end up doing most of the cooking and cleaning at the family reunion? The entitled DILs, MILs, SILs, FILs, and most of the teens are relaxing and enjoying themselves while the drudgey DILs/MILs are working nonstop to make sure everyone has food, drink, clean linens, etc. I can't imagine being so self-involved that I'd just sit and let everyone else do everything for me. I guess if you show up in reality-wear, rather than freshly manicured and tailored to the nines, you'll be given the drudge work, LOL. Note to self: more stilettos and French mani/pedis, less jeans and Ts.
Haha Pen!  More dress ups - note to self, change image.   ;D

Smilesback@u

Quote from: pam1 on July 03, 2011, 09:46:54 AM
Exactly Pen!  I was raised to always help out when I'm a guest and really, anymore it's not even conscious, I help with whatever they let me do.  Set the table, clean the table...whatever, I do it.  I couldn't imagine just sitting there expecting to be served.  However, I wouldn't want anyone demanding my help lol.
Wellllll, how about ever felt like you are doing more than your share?  Ever want to get out of the house because it is work, work and more work; and, let's say you are, I don't know, going out for lunch with hubby and then be told by DIL that "You can take a little break." WOW - that was a shocker -- and then feel like, you really are acting like someone's slave, who doesn't appreciate you were freely giving.  I get testy and now sorta feel like it will be a cold day in hell before I want to help.  And then find yourself visiting and helping again, like you cannot help it -- so I am basically avoiding visiting until this is straightened out.  The fun is all gone for visiting.  So I am working on me, this is my problem, not standing up for myself, feeling taken advantage of, and trying to find liveable boundaries on what I will and won't do.  Your input is greatly appreciated.  What is normal anyways?  Then I will talk with my son about what they want, and what I am willing to do - basically setting limits.  :P