Help....Do I let them know how we feel..????

[amflautist]

I said something. Yup, I knew I shouldn't, but I'm sick and tired of being pushed aside in favor of DIL's fabulous FOO. I totally get that DS & DIL would rather hang out in fabulousness than come to our house, but it still hurts and I'm having a hard time getting over it.    

You said something here that rings bells for me.  Right now, I don't get any chance to complain, because DIL won't have anything to do with DH and me.  But --- when and if the time comes ---  I think I would want to complain about unequal treatment also.  I think I would probably do exactly as you did.

I vacillate between ennui, dislike and nuts-to-you-lady feelings for DIL.  Last week I was discussing the fact that I want to get myself in better mental tune, so that I could accept DIL graciously if she ever agrees to darken my doorstep.  (Fat chance!)  This week, well ... clearly I'm not making any progress on my program.  This week I am in an argumentative mood.  Good thing they are with the FOO, and not here.

[Pen]

Amflautist, sorry you're in a funk this week. Let's say our two steps back are just momentary glitches in our progress, OK? It really doesn't hurt our DILs or DSs when we are bothered by this stuff, which makes me even more upset, lol.

LL, I'm just afraid that one day I'll say just enough of the wrong thing, even without meaning to, and that will be that. DH would be furious if he couldn't see DS again over my mistake. I couldn't bear it.

It seems grossly unfair that I have to choose between sticking up for myself and losing DS, or squelching my thoughts and maintaining what is passing for a relationship right now. I know, I know, life is unfair.

Wish me luck - we'll be seeing them soon, briefly.

[lancaster lady]

sorry Pen it has to be like that ...I know how you feel , and how frustrated and heartbroken it can be at times .Who would have thought that  my family would be moving in with me ?...not in a hundred years ..!
Now my Ds doesn't care what his partner's FOO think .Perhaps your day will come too .
Meanwhile enjoy each moment together , and be the happy grandma .....even though it's through clenched teeth ....lol

[amflautist]

Wish me luck - we'll be seeing them soon, briefly.

Briefly trumps not at all...

And with that thought, I happily wish you Good Luck!

[amflautist]

Who would have thought that  my family would be moving in with me ?...not in a hundred years ..!
Now my Ds doesn't care what his partner's FOO think .Perhaps your day will come too .
Meanwhile enjoy each moment together , and be the happy grandma .....even though it's through clenched teeth ....lol

Moving in with you?  Ouch!  I hope you have a good relationship with your DIL.  Maybe this is the time to buy the camper you discussed earlier today, so you can hide out when needed.  Good Luck to you too!

[Nana]

Pen

Regardless of your son/dil unequal treatment of their parents....you still know that you are very valuable and unique.   Good if your dil's foo have a lot to give them....but that doesnt put you in a second category.  I give a lot to my son/dil and gks because I work and earn my own money....and love to share with them and see that my gks have all they need.   I am just observing and jump up to help them solve any monetary problem they are dealing with.  Dil and ds  are very grateful.....but they dont put us first....or last....we are just the same for them--.  their parents and their children's gps.  It is how it should be.  We all give what we have....nothing more nothing less.   I would love my grandkids remember me when I am gone not for the toys or things I bought them....but for the time and love I gave them. 

Life have many turns....and your son/dil (specially your son ) has a lot of growing to do.  And I say your son....because he is the one your raised and the one should care about your feelings.  They still dont know what the things that matter are. 

You are great Pen... cheer up....theirs is the loss.

Love

[lancaster lady]

Amflautist ......  my future DIL .....is the reason I found this  site ! If you have a spare hour ,you could go and read.my posts from  6 months ago ....lol They are moving in with me because I love my DS and GD and she is part of the package . I hope in my heart this works out and it doesn't blow up in my face . They are also getting married next month ! !     This is a temporary solution to a huge financial problem ........Hmmmm get the straight jacket ready ,I may need one ......lol

[Pooh]

I hope everything went well during your visit Pen!  I know we say that saying nothing is better than causing a possible big ruckus, but there are times that you do have to speak up.  I am a firm believer (because been there, done that) that if you just clamp down and never say anything, it will fester and boil and then then something small will cause you to explode eventually.  It's human nature Pen, nothing about you.  Sometimes, I believe you have to say something, even if you know it will do no good, for yourself.

My Mother always said, "Pick your battles"

[Rose799]

Just prior to finding WWU, I sent dd a "long" letter.   I was shaking in my boots till I heard back from her.  Thankfully, she wasn't upset; in fact, she blew off the majority of it.  The one thing she admitted to was understanding that we want to see the gc more often.  That hasn't happened, in fact, it's worse, but that's partly because I've stepped back.  She knows exactly how we feel though & she knows the ball is in her court.  It took about 2 weeks to write it, and I meant every word.  I have no regrets.  I know I tried.  But we miss them all the same.

Pen, I hope your day went better than expected.  Without communication, I sometimes wonder how anything gets resolved. 

[Pen]

Thanks guys. It was short and sweet, I managed to make only agreeable, pleasant comments when needed. Life goes on, we're slowly being faded out, I've just got to accept it. Really, there's no other option.

The goodies DIL's FOO can provide are too enticing. DS is theirs now. There's no solution, it is the way it is. We will be the fringe family, hardly a photo in a scrapbook... you know, the odd bunch no one really knows about, the page you flip past on your way to the 'real family' stuff.

No one wants to feel as if the bulk of their years add up to nothing. I must come to grips and make some sort of stand, but don't know what yet.

[amflautist]

Life goes on, we're slowly being faded out, I've just got to accept it.

If you don't mind, think I will adopt that philosophy.

The goodies DIL's FOO can provide are too enticing. DS is theirs now. There's no solution, it is the way it is. We will be the fringe family, hardly a photo in a scrapbook... you know, the odd bunch no one really knows about, the page you flip past on your way to the 'real family' stuff.

You say it with such good humuor.  I'm in the same boat, and in need of your humour.  I think I'd like to have a set of notecards with this saying.  Or maybe a fridge magnet, or a rubber mat to set in front of the kitchen sink.

[luise.volta]

It seems to me that there is some kind of right of passage in acceptance. A blossoming of the soul.

[Pen]

And for things to blossom, there must be rain...hence my tears the last couple of days 

I think in my situation it all happened so fast, I wasn't prepared. These past couple of years have been a whirlwind. DH deserves a wife who is all there, not one who is sad and focused on missing DS. DH tends to blame himself when I'm not happy, and I do not want him to feel like a failure over our inability to keep up with the ILs.

It's up to me to deal with it, be brave, smile...and ultimately accept it. Whew. Definitely not there yet.

[luise.volta]

Yes, the rain. So necessary. Sending love...

[amflautist]

After my last posting here, I spent an hour with Charlie Rose and David McCullough
http://www.charlierose.com/view/interview/9000

Pen's wisdom, plus McCullough's perspective.  I am renewed.