My 3 Sons - I'm just sad about this!

[smilesrgolden]

I have 3 sons. They are all grown now the youngest being 22. Our family went through a tough divorce 6 years ago after a long marriage. Throughout the last 6 years, the truths surface. Of course he cheated approx. 20 times. But the big dilemma came 3 yrs ago when I found that he molested my sister who is his junior by 9 years. I was pregnant when this happened and it went on for 4 years more - She was 13. The boys and I have vowed to stay a family when it all happened, the oldest went off to the Air Force - anyway - through the years, my struggles have been great. My youngest son has dated a girl for 5 years now. The type of girl whose parents thought it ok to have a boy spend the night since she was 12 . Ok, so not to mention this, she has bi-polar or something - rages and lies all the time. Her parents encouraged the behavior by always sticking up for her behavior - disrespect, and much more. My other son is an alcoholic like his father - he knows it all, and drinks and smokes weed just as much. Been in trouble - DUI's, assault, blah, blah - 2 years ago, my oldest son enlightens me that he is gay. OMGosh - this sickens me. I believe in the Word of God and it's teachings. I don't understand. So, a little background on me - I am a passionate person - kind of the Italian type of Mom - wear my emotions on my sleeves, cry easy, laugh easy, and love and forgive easily. But don't have a problem stating my opinions and ways about issues. I am diligent and persistant. My shortcomings I believe are caring too much - But HOW do I stop caring about my children? It seems - homosexuality is fine, it's acceptable. It's whatever it is. It's not a sin. Drinking and drugs are that big of deal - although it continues to cause problems in his life - The girlfriend - oh, well - I don't know how or what to do and their father - well he's ok with all of it, he just continue drinking? What is happening - Do I need to move away and not contact them? Is that what it takes?

[elsieshaye]

Smiles, I'm sorry about the divorce and the surrounding ugliness.  It sounds like it was very hard on all of you.

The thing about adult children is, they really don't need to hear our opinions all the time.  It doesn't help them.  You have to decide if your priority is staying in touch with them and making them comfortable around you, or if it's expressing your opinions in the hope that if you keep telling them how unhappy you are with their choices that they will somehow choose differently.  I'm sure it's possible to find a middle ground between never speaking to them again/moving away and expressing your caring for your children by telling them everything about them that you don't like or worry about.

[luise.volta]

Welcome. If you read other posts here...you will find that many of us have chosen to rebuild our lives. We were fine before we became parents (and wives) and we can be whole again. We have given all we had to give and of course we all had expectations regarding how that would turn out when our children became adults...and then it didn't turn out like that at all. We work with each other to move past blaming ourselves and we see that our adult children had many other roll models and influnences...plus individual personality traits...and have made their own choices. Some learn from poor choices, some don't seem to, but our work is done and our lives aren't. Sending love...

[Pen]

Smiles, welcome to the site. If you haven't already done so, please take a minute to read the Forum Agreement under the topic Open Me First. Your post is fine, but we want to be sure everyone knows the guidelines.

It sounds as if you've already come to terms somewhat with who your adult children are? This site is a good place for support as we move towards progress in our own lives. Best wishes.

[Pooh]

Welcome smiles.  Sounds like you have your hands full.  Are they contacting you?  I guess I am asking because I am not sure from your post if you want to have a relationship with them?  It sounds like you know what behaviors are acceptable to you and what isn't, what you will deal with and what you will not.  I'm sure the ultimate goal would be for them to get help with the drinking and drugs, but I'm not sure where your relationship is with them now.

[Sassy]

What is your relationship with them like now?  It sounds like they're pretty open with you.  I am not sure about your question about moving away.  Do you want to not have contact with them?

Of course you will always care about your kids.  But since they are grown, you don't have the control over their choices that you did when they were young. That caring without controlling takes an adjustment for any parent.   Having to see them as other adults, your social "equal."  Although it doesn't seem they're be the type of adults you'd pick as friends, if you want to stay friendly with them, treat them as you'd treat friends. Which might mean not lending them money (if you do this).  It also means not judging their lifestyle as adults. Not saying things that will only hurt them, even if you think it's true.

The youngest son gets to pick his own girlfriends. So he picked himself a rager.   Leave their house or ask her to leave yours when she starts a rage in front of you.  Be too busy to listen to him when he complains to you about her rages.  Her rages don't have to be a part of your life, just because they're a part of his.  You can and should maintain some boundaries between your son and his romantic relationships.

I think that you need support most with the alcoholic son.  That's tough and I'm sorry you have to see that.   Al-anon is a support group for the people who love an alcoholic. They will share stories and show you how to love your son without loving his addiction.  There are meetings in every city every week and I think you will like them.   http://www.al-anon.org/

I also think you could use support for accepting your oldest son's homosexuality.  Its so good that he was able to come out to you!  There's a group called pflag that if you call them, they will talk to you about it.  "Parents and friends of lesbians and gays."  So it's comprised mainly parents like you, who have learned to accept the beauty of who their child is.  There's nothing sick about homosexuality, other than the way some parts of society treat them as "lesser" citizens and deprive them rights others enjoy.   http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2 
Read around, and if you can find someone heading a local chapter and call and talk to them over the phone, they can help you by just chatting.

Your oldest son was born that way and he should be proud of who he is, like all the children God created.   You will be able to be proud of him too, in time.  You've got a lot of love in your heart.

[tryingmybest]

Sassy you nailed it lady! People are born Gay, it is not a choice it's who they are, and people were born with the right to be how a loving God created them. Short story, my parents were very strict conservative Catholics. The son of one of their also conservative friends owned his truth and let his family know he was gay. His parents had a hard time with it, but when his widowed mother was diagnosed with dementia it was her son and his life partner who brought Mom into their home and lovingly tended her until her death. She came to call her son's partner her second son. She died surrounded by love, while her straight conservative children were no where to be found.

[luise.volta]

Beautiful!

[Pen]

I agree!

[Star]

Hello and welcome,

Seems as is you have already received some very good advice from these wise lovely ladies, but I just wanted to say am thinking of you and sending love. Being a mother is the hardest job ever and you have done the best you could.