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What goes around !

Started by lancaster lady, June 29, 2011, 01:18:48 am

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lancaster lady

Hi guys ......

turn the clock back 7 months and you would find me crying , not sleeping , not eating , and pathetically miserable .
Today ......my son has asked me can he and his future wife and daughter , move in with me and my DH !
As her FOO don't really have space for them !
This is the F/DIL who never visited or invited me to see my GD .Who let me believe for a whole year
I wasn't wanted or needed as a GM.
They have major financial problems exacerbated by their forthcoming wedding , and are unable to pay their
way living as a family .
I would never see my DS homeless , he has a good income but is overwhelmed by the current economic climate .
However my f/DIL  FOO decided it wasn't convenient and said they couldn't take them .

So here we are , I am not gloating , no way .My heart goes out to this young family , not even started married life
and facing hardship .Of course I am going to help any way I can .
My reservations are plenty , and I hope we make the six months or so it takes to ease their burden


So be kind to your MIL , you never know when you will need her ....!

Pooh

Love me some Karma but sheesh LL, you are going to have your hands full.  Amazing how all of a sudden, her FOO has had a change of heart.  I know you will help them any way you can, but please remember to have some boundaries so they are not taking advantage of your good nature.  I just know with your health problems that you don't need the added stress, so I worry about this arrangement.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Scoop

Yeah LL - make sure you negotiate everything before they move in.

Discuss who will pay bills, water, heat, electricity, cable, internet, phone, food ect
Can they use your car?  Who parks where?
Think of a cooking & cleaning schedule.
Use of laundry facilities - if you're a "get it done in one day" person and they're "leave it in the machine until you need it" types, or vice versa, you might have to talk about that.  Or else, they might object to you putting their stuff in with yours "to make a whole load".   Especially with respect to the baby's things, they might want special soap ect for that.

You don't have to make "RULES" for all of this, but they're all things you should consider.

Does DIL work?  Do you?  I sincerely hope that you're not BOTH home all day - that's a recipe for DISASTER.
Will they be allowed to host guests?  Will you be invited to join, or expected to step back?

Also, I'd like to caution you that you will not be a 3rd parent to the little one.  You can prevent her from getting hurt / hurting herself (I think I remember that you have a GDD), but you can't really discipline her.  You should still ask before giving her treats.  You still have to ask before taking her to the park, or whatever.  I think in this case, it would be better for you to start off a step back and be asked to take a step forward, than to start off too forward and be asked to take a step back.

Good luck!

luise.volta

I am crossing my fingers on this one. No matter what is driving them to your door, some if not all of the existing issues will come with them. Plus there will be new ones because they will naturally lose much of their sense of independence. I know you know that and, it will still be harder to do than it is to think about. I know I couldn't handle it but it sounds like you are made of sturdier stuff. Remember who's house it is....and who is financing their recovery. If possible, set boundaries within yourself around what you can tolerate and what you can't...where you leave off and where they begin. It is a "backward" move to them, on some level...a sign of failure, even if not expressed. People often over react to that by being rude and defiant. Even families with no history of conflict at all, crumble under the burden of coexistence unless it is cultural and they have been raised with the concept. Men also fare better than women, if they are employed and away a lot. You are generous and loving. Don't forget that it is probably a very vulnerable position. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

oldladyinhat

LL, I wish you weren't doing this.  First, two women cannot share a kitchen, and it is clear that your F/DIL will own it because she needs to minister to her baby.  I see nothing but heartache for you in this.  I see your F/DIL re-enacting all those mean things she did to you previously.

Can you sit down with your son and ask him to lay out his financial situation?  Can you do this with someone neutral - perhaps a financial adviser at your bank?  Seems to me that until he learns to make financial plans, he isn't going to succeed.  Won't matter where he lives.  He and F/DIL haven't learned to plan and save.  They need this much, much more than they need to live in your house.  I sincerely recommend that you require this sit-down with a financial adviser prior to any move-in, in fact prior to your decision whether to allow the move-in or not.  Even if you  have to pay for the financial adviser for DS, that is what is needed at this point.

Star

Hello Lancaster Lady,

I just read your post and my heart goes out to you for all that you have been put through and all that will be. Please bear with me as I am new to this site, but I didn't understand what Foo meant, however, I agree with the other ladies absolutely. Think it would be wise to treat this more or less like a business arrangement, definitely set some boundaries in place, you have been disrespected already, and now with them sharing your sanctuary (your home) I am sure there will be resentments, frustrations about their income all taken out on you. Start out how you wish to proceed, that way there is no misunderstandings, if you were taking in lodgers, there would be rules and regulations,wouldn't there? Get them to read the rules, this is your time to show them that if they are wanting to share your home, then there are rules and things that are important to you. Above all, you owe it to yourself to learn from the past. The danger is when we have been estranged is to be almost desperate (and I am referring to myself here by the way) in regaining contact, almost forgetting our own pain and our own needs. Don't, before you are anything to anyone you are your own person, and your are worthy of love and respect.

Sending your big hug and wishing you well.
x

luise.volta

Star - On the Home page scroll down to Forum Support. There is a post there on abbreviations. Most were inherited from other sites but we have made up a few.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Star

Thank you I will take a look.

Pen

LL, I feel your joy and don't want to dash it, but I too have concerns for you and your health. Please take care to protect yourself. You're so special to us here at WWU!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

Oh wow, LL.  Karma indeed.

I echo all the previous wise women who posted.  Remember to take care of yourself first.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

lancaster lady

Hi everyone !
I guess I'm getting used to the idea slowly .
I keep thinking that they will change their minds and go to my F/DIL's FOO . However after speaking to DS , he said he didn't
really care how they feel as when his partner approached her family , they seemed ok with the idea .When they asked when
they could move in , more discussions were needed .So after more or less promising them a roof , and after my DS terminated his lease , they turned the tables .
This is the only way out for them financially , the stress is making my DS ill .I have known for some time he was unhappy , and
this is the cause . Not his partner whom he adores or his daughter , simply money ! Unable to pay bills month after month is
so horrendous on any partnership .
Now to the house . They can have the top floor of the house for themselves , which is two large rooms .I also have two sitting
rooms on the floor below , so they can have some privacy in the evenings .
As for the kitchen , my F/DIL does not cook ! Not that I'm going to be chief cook , but what are another two portions of everything ? I have two washing machines too . So the house is workable .
I work six days a week , also my son works five , my DH works along side me , so the house will be free all day .
To understand my Ds , he a quiet person , who doesn't like a fuss .He just wants to provide for his family and is unable
to do so .I feel his pain , and his failure and his embarrassment , I am not going to add to this .
I hope to be able to work this out , and six months isn't a long time .
Scoop :
I promise not to be the Mom .....lol
We have been through that set of rules before , and I know that score .MY F/DIL is the boss where my GD
is concerned , and I will adhere to her set of parenting rules .
even though my GD loves me to bits ....lol

So watch this space ladies , I don't pretend this is going to be easy , plus a wedding too .... :o

PS....my Doc said my hormones are off the scale , could be causing the heart stuff ......so menopausal too ...Oh Lordy !!

lancaster lady

Forgot to say .....thank you all for caring .......Love you loads ...... :)

Scoop

I really hated to bring it up, but I really do want this to work for you.

It sounds like you have a good handle on it.

Pooh

You know I am only saying this because I do care about you?  Can I ask something?  Since the wedding seems to be what is causing them such financial strife, have they even tried to scale back to a more manageable level or are they still plowing on with the huge expenses causing them more financial issues?

I believe in helping people, but only if they are helping themselves.  Ok, so they got in deep...who hasn't when we were young and stupid...Lol.  But are they trying to rememdy it, or still racking up bills for this wedding?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady

Well Pooh ,
You know at the start I had very little to do with the wedding , I found the date on FB !
Also my DS only saw the venue six months after it was booked .
As time has gone on I'm aware of him getting more involved and putting his stamp on things , but I am still not
asking a lot of questions .Everything has been done between Mother and daughter .Her FOO are financing most of
the wedding , however DS asked for a contribution about a month ago , so I knew things were bad .
I think things are too far advanced to cut anything , here you have to put deposits on everything at the booking stage .
In fact they asked me last week did I want to ask anyone as people had cancelled !! This was my first invitation
to ask anyone ! I have lots to moan about , but that won't help at this stage .
I try to keep all this lost in the depths , as a reminder of past hurts will spoil things methinks .

I think they know how strong a person I am , but also how dear I hold my family and I don't think they will
take advantage whilst living with me . I hope they can see why I am inviting them here and respect me for that .

So as for cutting back on the wedding I haven't a clue ! I did say to my DS that any monies saved while being
here must go against any debts , and not spent frivolously . I know his birthday money I gave him went on
food , so I think he will do his best to reduce their debt .

I think I need more than a duck race to sort this one !! lol