Ready for final disconnect

[sameoldsong]

I am trying desparately to understand my youngest daughter and her way of thinking but really know I can't and never will. I have posted before and have been off for some time b/c situation goes back and forth . There is always tension between us and since this past Xmas worse then ever we speak only when we have to and sometimes only through my husband who is her stepfather. There is some deep seated hatred for me which I still cant figure out - I have really stopped trying and have gone along with not seeing or speaking with her so I can still see my youngest grandaughter. This is the problem at hand now - I tried to call her several times last week as I wanted to take my youngest grandaughter out for the day - she finally returned a call to me after my husband had to call her and asked her to call me. I asked if I could take my gd away for a day trip and that I would cover all expenses(train, food) and asked that she just send spending money as I recently lost my job. She said ok and then today called to tell me no ygd could not go b/c she did want to send spending  money b/c she just returned from vacation - (I know they have plenty of money plus she gets a hefty child support payment). I said ok then I would pay for whatever she wanted to buy and that  my ygd had told me a while ago that if I ever went on this day trip that she wanted to go .Her reply still was no I dont want her to go . I also told my oldest grandaughter (her other daughter ) that she was welcome to come but had to pay her own way as she works and also has plenty of money to spend on anything she wants. I was going on this trip with my oldest daughter and her daughter but my oldest daughter was paying all costs for the both of them . Normally I pick up the tab and am happy to do it but have to belt tighten due to unemployment.
I was so upset at this phone call this morning and cried for the past hour. I ended the conversation with my YD saying to her " then you dont want her to go -ok bye"-not in  a heated way but just ended the conversation . I would love a close relationship with my daughter and her husband but  know that will  never  be - it seems since she remarried it is worse then ever - I am not disillusioning myself with this situation and really feel I need  to disconnect for good .  Even if we ever talk again it will just go back to same old , same old again .
I do go to counseling and have been told that I need to accept the situation - not agree with it but accept it. Acceptance is hard and I say to myself this is the way it is and Icant change it and move on but today it is very hard. I feel most sorry for my YGD who has to miss out b/c of her mothers decision. One time my YD told me "you feel so sorry for her(my ygd) you think she is so deprived. "-I only want to let my ygd experience some different things in her little life is that so wrong I try to focus on what I have and the good things in my life and not what I don't have(relationship with YD) but times like this I find it most difficult.
Any replies would be helpful -thanks to all

[Pen]

So sorry you're going through this, SOS. I hope you can still enjoy spending time with your oldest daughter and GC. It sounds as if it is your youngest daughter's loss; perhaps when she realizes she & her daughter could be enjoying a nice outing too she'll be less likely to refuse your offers in the future. Enjoy what you do have, it's very special. And I do understand how hard it is to accept these situations. Take care.

[luise.volta]

I think that for most of us probably trying to understand "the way of other people's thinking" is a lost cause. We have to accept that it makes sense to them. That's as far as we can go. We can't change it. Only they can, if and when they let going of selective memory and being right at all costs. Our job is to know what we know and not buy into it...and to get that we did our best. Then, self-love and self-respect can heal us without any input from others. Letting go of our expectations and the belief that logic will prevail is the first step. Sending love...

[Mom b Gone]

I so can identify with you and sorry for your pain and hurt. Waiting for phone calls and then finally being told no is just heart breaking.  Hard for me to think they can hurt us so easily without seeming to care. Just no and that's it, and like it or not we have to say ok bye and wonder how in the world they can be so cruel.
As said above at least you have your other daughter and that helps. I don't know how as moms we ever get to the point of accepting being cut out but we have to keep trying. And of course always hope one day it will be better before we die!
Someof the things they do to us by putting us off make it easier down the road to let go.  At least you know you try and in your heart you know your there for her if she ever decides to open the door.

[Pooh]

It is difficult, but you have to keep telling yourself, "I matter....I am worth it....I matter....I am worth it."

[jill]

Hi sameoldsong,
Your story is so much like mine, I understand exactly how you feel.  My odd and I about 99 per cent estranged, no calls, cards etc. but I do see her at gc's birthday parties, but she does not speak to me.  She has my only gd, who I miss terribly.  I have asked her if I can take her out, or can she come over and stay, she used to to do this in the past.  Now the answers are "I'll think about it" or "I'll have to see", but of course the answer is no, there is always some reason why she cannot see me.  They know how to hurt us the most by not letting us see our grandchildren. I have learned to have zero expectations.   
If you have other grandchildren, I would try to spend time with them, I have 2 gs (ydd's children) and try to see them a couple of times a month, they don't live close by.
I had counselling too and was told to accept things and try to think more of myself and concentrate on my own life and do things I enjoy.  It has helped me survive.
Best wishes....................Jill 

[Smilesback@u]

Sounds painful for you right now.  I'd feel rejected too under those circumstances, and it certainly does not make sense to split up the family like that.  Sometimes you just have to believe that the bond will never be broken between you all - you are family.  And you can speak that into any of the conversations with lotsa of heart and love behind it.  It really takes two to have a tug of war you know...so you could try dropping your end of the rope, and not play that game.  It is a hurtful way to interact among family.  I think acceptance really can lead you to peace of mind, knowing that you are still connected, always.  Nothing can break that bond - nothing.  Hope you find peace, and are able to keep loving them.  Maybe finding something to do that makes you feel close to them - postcards that say you love them.  I don't know, something you can get into, if that helps.  I just think it is a bumpy road right now for you and believe that love is stronger and will be enough to get through it.  I like the comments from the other women...esp that we do not have to agree with how others think, just respect it, and let go of the rope.  Sorry you are going through this, and know you are not alone. 

[sameoldsong]

Hi to all -thank you all for the comfort you provide. I feel some sort of gray solace to know that I am not the only way who has to endure the heartache and pain of just wanting to be a small part of your child's life . I say "gray" b/c while I am comforted by all of your support,  I don't want anyone to ever have to go through this heart dropping to your feet feeling all the time .
Well, my DH called YD and begged for YGD to be able to go with me yesterday and the answer remained NO. She said YGD would not even know about the trip and was not necessary for her to go . While I could what if and why all day long I am trying to erase this from my mind. It is not useful to me to keep dwelling on this and there is nothing I can do about it. I did go on trip with OD and othe GD and we had a pleasant time - I made a pact with OD not to speak of it and I did  not.
I have made a decision not to ask YD to see YGD anymore as I can't take the emotional roller coaster anymore and feel that I would be better off to disconnect. My DH feels differently and wants to stay involved with YGD - I told him if he wanted to do that then he will have to call for the arrangements to get her etc., as I will not play my YD's games anymore. 
As far as OGD she has a phone and knows our number I am not going to beg her either for contact. When I do see her she has the same reaction to me as her mother which I know comes from her mother's influence. I just feel I don't want to be with anyone who does not want to be with me ,why bother ?I  can love and care about them to a certain point but must think of my own emotional and physical well being.

Smilesback @u- I read your post and feel that there is a bond between a mother and her children but can only continue if both want it -just as in the tug of war you describe  so it goes with the bond.  I am dropping the rope in the tug.

[Ruth]

I read your post two times, Sameold, as I wanted to share this with you.  I also related very  much to your term about 'gray' feeling.  I honestly think more than two decades of my own life I can only describe as gray, there was no color except gray tones there as my pain over my son's rejection and refusal to have a relationship took a terrible toll on me.  It nearly destroyed my present marriage and did indeed consume the first eight years of our marriage by my inability to deal with this issue and to separate it from any of the rest of the good things in my life.  Every night before I go to sleep I see my DS's face, and I say my prayers for him, but then I have to turn out the light and wake up to a new morning, where there's now color and sound.  No counselor was ever able to help me with this, God knows I tried all I could afford and get to.  I thought I was the only person who had gone through something like this, a monster or a mutant of some kind, and questions, questions questions with no answers.  I'm not there any more, even though it still hurts greatly I found some way to not let me call the shots any more.  I also have a good relationship with other child and g/c.  If I didn't have that in all honesty I don't know how I'd stay sane, but I also keep a pact not to talk about this DS to the DD.  But when its all said and done, we have to not rely on another relationship as essential for us to be complete or ok.  Keep going forward and I promise you that you will find more and more peace as time goes on. 

[not like the movies]

I relate. Sad. Painful. I did have to come to acceptance as well. I can honestly say I feel happier as I focus on my life. I never thought I could detach. It did not feel natural at first. One day I realized I had hit a brick wall and I needed to turn around. I was tired of trying to be somewhere physically and emotionally I was not welcomed..even if it was my own daughter. I began to matter to me. I am a pretty neat lady! At least I think so and that is what counts the most.

[Pooh]

We think so too!

[sameoldsong]

Good morning all -I'm trying to cheer up - mornings are the touhgest - I walk early in the morning but sometimes your brain has trouble turning off the negative thougts. Anyway it is a beautiful day and I am going to keep busy starting now. I am going to matter most to me and the people that do surround me and love me .
Thanks again to all for your support - I hope and pray for all of us that someday things may turn around and not that our children will think we are right or wrong or good or bad but just that they recognize us as a parent and know that we did the best we could for them . Also that they may come to the realization that love is a very moving emotion , especially when given to a parent.

[Rose799]

I've had lots of experience with negative thinking...  How about I take over for a bit, while you do something nice for yourself, SOS?   Enjoy what's left of this beautiful day~