Needing Advice

[not like the movies]

Long story short...my adult daughter has stopped talking to me for about 6 months. I am not allowed to see my grandson as well. I received a horrible hurtful e-mail at the onset of the alienation telling me what a horrible mother I was. A week ago I received an e-mail entitled "childhood" things. She was requesting all the things I have stored from her childhood. The same horrible childhood she claims to be a product of.  Her words "pick up all my childhood toys and books you have in storage in the shop. Particularly my doll house, tea set, books, etc.....I think I'm having a girl and it would really be nice to have all the things I used to play with when I was little. Also any thing else like childhood photos, drawings, whatever you can find. My few baby outfits you held onto would be great also as those can be reused!"
I have been really torn over this. How can a horrible mother have provided such wonderful treasures? Hold on to, keep and store all these treasured childhood belongings?  The ugly e-mail and the request for childhood belongings just doesn't jive.
I have been vacillating between anger and sadness. Sometimes I want to give it so she can see all the love, and then I think she doesn't respect or appreciate me so how can she appreciate and cherish the "things". Thoughts please.

[luise.volta]

Welcome - I don't know about others but I can feel two ways about something and find both true on some level. I don't experience black and white as often as I do gray.

Adult children often rewrite their history to suit them selves. My eldest son did. I have no idea what's behind that but I suspect it's because they want someone to blame for their humanness, including their short suites, failures, poor choices and disastrous consequences; whatever. No ones childhood is perfect and no ones parents are, either. Life isn't'. It can be quite a shock to the newly responsible.

You know what it means when she wants all those treasures. You can take that to the bank in your heart. Sending love...

[lancaster lady]

Hi ....NLTM

You didn't say what caused the cut off , but it sounds as if she wants you to have nothing of hers full stop .
It's hard to comment without knowing why she stopped talking to you .

[pam1]

Welcome Notlikethemovies

If you haven't already done so please read the Forum Agreement in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post

I agree with Luise, I can see it a couple of different ways.  My thoughts would be to give them to her.  Perhaps something will trigger the good memories she has.  IME, some people are prone to only thinking of the bad which wipes out all the good.  I would give them to her in the spirit and hope that she would remember and see this action as a caring one as well.

[not like the movies]

Thanks for the replies. Yes ever victim needs an oppressor and I have been chosen by my daughter to be hers. About 6 months ago she quit speaking to me. I racked my brain why. Her husband came by with our grandson about 3 months ago. He told us my daughter had a boyfriend and was moving out an in with the new guy. A guy she met on the internet from another state. So she moved out from her and her husband's home into an apartment with the new fellow. They are now having a baby while she is still married to her husband. We knew nothing of this. Looking back I do recall how she was testing someone all the time. One day I asked who she was texting because it seemed obsessive. She replied a friend. I let it go...not my business only brought it up because whenever we were together she was distracted by this non stop texting. It felt very distant and distracting. This explained why she quit talking to us. She did not want us to know what she was up to. I am sure she worried we would not approve. She is 26 but behaving much younger. She let us find out via other people. My son in law is suffering, my grandson is suffering. It is all a messy. And from the sounds of her nasty emails I am all to blame. Which I know I am not. I can see around corners she can not. I am concerned for the corner she has painted herself in. If she wanted to leave her husband and be with the new guy that is her life choice. I just assume she des not want to hear a thing from me about it all. I am just guessing about the why of it all since I don't know and she wont talk. Her husband is still taking orders from her so he wont talk or bring our grandson by anymore because she won't let him. Maybe he is hoping if he does want she wants she will come back.

[luise.volta]

I am so sorry for everyone involved, including your daughter. Sending love...

[justus]

People who are having an affair do really stupid things, like leave their entire life behind for the new person. My DH had an emotional affair and my xH had a couple of affairs, so unfortunately, I am well versed in how wayward spouses behave.

She is in what we call the Fog. With this guy, everything is wonderful, she is in control and will do whatever she must to maintain the fantasy. If she were talking to you, she would have to come face to face with your disappointment, she wouldn't be able to avoid thinking about the consequences of her actions, which would be a real downer, and might lead to questioning what she is doing, which might bring the fantasy crashing down around her ears.

It is like they are living in a parallel universe where everything is rainbows and light, and they will do anything to stay there. She is in for a world of hurt when her world does come crashing down around her ears.

I am not sure what you should do. If it were me, I would call her or in some other way let her know that you know what is happening and that you are disappointed and hurt. Keep in mind that this new man just may be your future SIL, so be careful not to insult him. Do let her have her childhood things as they are her things. It would serve no good purpose to keep them from her.

I have known of relationships like your DD's that did work out, but the statistics are against her. She cheated in her H, what is going to keep her from cheating on this guy?

[luise.volta]

What an interesting post, J. Lots to think about in it. I agree that the things she wants are hers. And I also so a pot of something that the end of the rainbow that doesn't look like gold. Sending love...

[lancaster lady]

It's hard to stand by and watch a disaster happening , especially when it's those you love .
she knows what you will say and doesn't want to hear it , in case you are right .
as usual with our children , we have to watch them make their own mistakes , and just be
there to pick up the pieces .
I would keep the things that mean the most to you ,she's still your daughter , and you have your memories too .

[pam1]

Ahhhh so she struck first knowing that she was going to be on defense, must have figured offense was a much better place to be.  Someone else can be the bad guy.  The problem is no one is going to buy her way of thinking here. 

Perhaps there is also an element that she cut you off first to avoid you cutting her off.  I don't even know if that is something you've considered, cut off.  But I know a lot of families in these cheating situations and a lot of the times when the parents do not approve, they side with the betrayed spouse.  Maybe she is trying to avoid hurt coming her way, however cowardly she is going about it.

[Pen]

Welcome, NLTM, I remember your creative and witty name from a few months back. So sorry to hear this is going on. I don't have anything to add to the comments you've gotten already.

Justus, very interesting post with valuable info, thanks. Pam, good points about defensiveness and cowardice; both posts make sense to me.

[not like the movies]

Thank each and every one of you wise women! i spent the day putting the things she wants together. Emotional day indeed. On a  positive...I received much reinforcing that I was a good mom! The kind in fact I wished I had. Not perfect but pretty darn good. I was reminded of the many wonderful things I did. The love and support I gave my daughter.
The point here about the adult child re-writing their history is very true. My daughter claimed she was failing in school and I did nothing. I read through every progress report from all her school years. There it was in black and white...the truth! She was a very good student. Just as I remembered. I miss my grandson a lot. He is four and was at our home at least three days a week since the time he was born. My heart aches. I think about all the changes he has been through in the past six months and then to not be allowed to come here. We could have offered some great peace and solace as his folks navigated their rough waters. When my son in law brought him here the last time he wanted to go straight to his room to make sure nothing had changed and it was all the same. He has his own room here because we had a monthly sleep over weekend. He counted the days until he could come again. Now the last time he was here he asked us to stop being mean to his mommy so he could come back. I was so hurt that he had to even be told such a story. To use him as a pawn has been horrid. I told him I love his mommy very much and never desire to mean to his mommy. The idea that she has poisoned our once special relationship with him is too painful some days. I could go on and on as these stories I am sure can do. But it's been enough for the day. Take care each one on your journey. I look forward to reading and posting here more. Better days are ahead for us all.

[luise.volta]

It's so hard to get that it's her path and these are her lessons, I know...so many are getting hurt, even her own son. And yet she's an adult and that's what adulthood is all about, figuring things out. Facing, eventually, consequences.

Remember, this...your job is done and you did it well. The ball is in her court. And also remember that you were a whole person before you became a mother and a grandmother and you can be whole again.

[lancaster lady]

What might happen is when she looks through her treasures , she might remember the good old days and forget her selective archives .    .If she has any heart that is .......I know your heart is breaking ,as mine would be too with your grandchild . Never lose hope ,I think she will need you before long .Once this new baby arrives all that bravado might disappear .

[Pooh]

Uggg....I'm so torn on this.  Part of me wants to agree with the others and say give them to her.  The other part of me wants to say hang on to the important things until she is more ready, mentally. in a place to accept them.   I have things that belong to my OS, that until we have a better relationship, I will not give him.  They may be his in the sense that I purchased them for him when he was small, but I am also the one that lovingly stored them for all these years and held onto them for him and his children some day, so still mine in that sense. 

My Mother gave me many heirlooms and childhood things, after I got much older.  She wanted me to be in a place in my life to appreciate them.  If she had given them to me when I was younger, I probably would have put them in a yard sale.  (Some are very valuable).  I'm very glad my Mother waited until I reached that place because now I enjoy them.