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I'm new and have a son/daughter-in-law and grandchild problemo

Started by Cirette, June 25, 2011, 03:57:41 pm

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My son got violently angry with me over a year ago and stopped all communication with me.. He has been married quite a few years and the hostility towards me has increased steadily. His wife has an serious anxiety disorder which distorts her thinking. I am trying to maintain love in my heart for the both of them and of course for my grandchild, whom I haven't seen in more than a year though they live a few short miles from me. My son and I had a very decent relationship prior to his marriage and for the first few years things were smooth with my DIL.

He and his wife are becoming more and more intolerant toward everyone the world. They both are  employed in good jobs and are stressed with being first time parents sharing the childcare.

I continue to send birthday/Christmas cards with checks inside for both him and his wife and presents for the baby. I don't email or try to contact them. I ran into her in the doctor's office and my attempt at humor was negatively deconstructed (heard via a third party).

I know I have to wait this out. It's just that every time there's Father's Day, or a birthday, or the baby's milestones, I get a little down. Should I bother sending money and cards, as usual? Do I have to stay in this town where they also live in the hopes that some day I'll be more a part of their lives or can I move to a more culturally rich city?

Thanks for all your posts--a source of great support.


Welcome Cirette :)

If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

We have members in similar situations, the weekends are sometimes a little slow so hang in there :)  They will be along soon. 

Personally, I would not send any gifts to anyone I do not have a relationship with.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Welcome, Cirette. What a tough position you're in. My heart goes out to you.

I agree with Pam; there's probably no need for gifts since there doesn't seem to be a relationship. Some cut off GPs here have decided to put money in an account for the GC for later if a relationship is reestablished. Some keep scrapbooks and journals so the GC can see how much they were loved, if they're interested when they get older. Or, save that money for yourself and travel during the holidays and other trigger-point times that come along.

Wow, if you're able to move to a culturally rich city you're very lucky. Let your DS know how to contact you and go enjoy yourself! As far we know for sure, this is our one chance at a fabulous life. Please don't let someone else choose how you will spend it!

Sometimes when parents move on with their lives, the adult children come around. Perhaps they feel less pressure or something.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I, too vote for no gifts and a move to a better location. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

Hi Cirette .       Why put your life on hold for two inconsiderate people .I would send them a forwarding address ! If your grandchild is old enough to know  grandma sends cards please continue .He is innocent in all this .Then continue on with your life .....why waste time .


Great advice and I have nothing to add except to welcome you and say I am very sorry they are acting this way.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Hello Cirette and welcome.  I hope violently angry was on the phone, not in person, and not physical.  It's been about a year since he's communicated.  I am sorry for this tough time.   Cards may be enough for you to feel like you acknowledge milestones.   You may feel moved to pick up occasional small gifts for the baby.  If there's a new place you want to live, now is a good time for a lifestyle change you will enjoy.   When tides turn, there's hotels for visits.


Thank you all for your kind words and great advice. I needed to hear that it is all right to finally ignore the my son and daughter in law since they are ignoring me. It hurts to have to send cards to them, thinking that if I don't, somehow I am responsible for their silence!

Thanks so much for this forum of understanding and compassion.


People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift