I'm new but here's the gist of what's happening:

[Ev]

I am 55 years old, divorced, currently single. 3 failed marriages, 2 of which I had 5 children, all now grown. When I was 18 I left home, moved 1000 miles from home, with a man 11 years my senior and spent 4 years being starved, isolated, beaten and abused. It has just been the last year that repressed memories from those years have surfaced and I realize now that during my kids' child rearing years I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I could not control my temper. It was mostly yelling and throwing things, not beating them.

I sought help/therapy throughout those years and did slowly heal and improve but without dealing with the trauma which caused it. It was repressed and I always thought my irrational behavior was from my neglectful childhood so it was not addressed until recently as the memories have surfaced.

In the meantime my children (3 daughters, twin sons) don't want anything to do with me. One daughter refuses to acknowledge I exist. One says she just wants a normal mom and tries to tollerate me, the other is irritated with me all the time. My sons live out of state; one texts now and then and one just doesn't bother.

I wasn't continually exploding. Most of their childhood I showed patience, love, compassion, forgiveness, trust and affection. I did everything I could to love them. They all seem to be bitter and resentful now.

It's very difficult, especially when I see friends whose children adore them and share close friendships.

Thanks for listening.

[pam1]

Hi Ev and welcome

Please read the Forum Agreement in the category "Open Me First" if you haven't already done so.  We ask all new members to read the agreement before posting not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Glad you found us!

[Pooh]

Welcome Ev and I am so sorry.  It seems there are many women here that suffered during a marriage either physically or mentally.  You will here some very good advice.  In the meantime, try to remember to take care of yourself.  Healing yourself is first priority, allowing your children space to seek their own help comes next.  It's hard but it's what has to happen.

We all did our best as Mothers and we have to remind ourselves of that.

[luise.volta]

Welcome Ev...this is the place to start rebuilding what you can...which your own peace of mind. We do our best and then we have to accept what our adult children decide to do regarding relating to us. We can't change their perceptions or their decisions. What we can do is rekindle our own self-respect, which isn't really dependent on them. What pleases you? What makes your heart sing? How can you amp up your self-love and start the deep healing that is available to you, independently? Take a deep breath and wrap your arms around yourself in a big hug and get it's from WWU. Sending love...

[Keys Girl]

Hi Ev, you've got a lot of years to rebuilt your life and your relationships, congratulations on leaving the past behind you and taking some big steps on finding peace and a better life for yourself and hopefully for your children.  Good luck and like the English say "Keep calm and carry on".

[Pen]

Welcome, Ev. This is tough, it's like you're being punished for having been abused. Please take care of yourself; you cannot control how other people feel, but you can take steps to feel whole again. Maybe they will take notice and begin healing themselves. Best wishes.

[BrokenHope]

Welcome, Ev. This is tough, it's like you're being punished for having been abused. Please take care of yourself; you cannot control how other people feel, but you can take steps to feel whole again. Maybe they will take notice and begin healing themselves. Best wishes.

Oh How I agree with your statement PEN. Why is it that the person who was abused contiues to suffer and be punished? Mind boggled for yrs over this..

[justus]

Oh, Ev, I am so sorry you went through that. My first H was abusive and when I left him, I spent a couple years intentionally dealing with repressed memories. It is amazing what you forget in order to pretend everything is fine.

And, there are so many things I regret doing and/or not doing for/to my kids. There are so many things I have had to forgive myself for concerning my kids, along with all the things I tolerated from my xH. But, I don't think they are obligated to forgive me and I think it is selfish of me to expect it of them. My own M would give me a backwards *apology for some stupid thing she did and then say, "God says you HAVE to forgive because I asked it of you." Ummm, no, and since she was bullying me into forgiving her, I knew her apology wasn't sincere. I am not saying you are doing any bullying, just saying you owe them a lot of patience and if you are truly sorry, then you will give them whatever time they need even if it takes forever. They don't owe you forgiveness or even acceptance.

The thing is, you know you have changed and are working on yourself, you see into yourself, but all they have to go off of is your past behavior. It is going to take them a while to see the changes and that the changes are permanent. However, this isn't only about you, it is also about their own ability and willingness to forgive and heal and what their priorities happen to be. They may not able to either forgive or heal and that isn't about you, even though it hurts like it is about you. They have got their own issues and quit a few stem from how they were raised. They may or may not come to their own healing in their own time. Heck, it took you how long? Have patience with them. And, if they have spouses, families and jobs, working on whatever it is you need them to work on won't be at the top of their list. Us Moms of adult children are no where near the top anymore.

As Luise said, concentrate on yourself. Become the kind of person they would want to know, the kind of person who is comfortable in her own skin. Work on forgiving yourself and healing and don't worry about them. They will come around, or they won't, you can't control that, so work on what you can control...yourself.

*A backwards apology goes something like, "I'm sorry I did something to hurt you, but if you had not done this or that, I wouldn't have done whatever it was that hurt you." First, they don't own the specific behavior that hurt you, and they don't apologize for actually hurting you, then they blame their own behavior on you. Essentially, they are not really sorry, and it is all your fault. A real apology own the behavior, doesn't make any excuses, and definitely does not blame the injured party.

[Ev]

Dudes and Dudettes:
YOU ROCK!
I left a great many details out of my initial post due to time constraints and because I have yet to develop myself as a proficient writer.

I just checked this email after many days (as I have 3) and saw these responses. First, THANK YOU. You are so kind for taking the time out of your life to respond to my situation. Second, THANK YOU.

I will tell you that everything you say is significant to me. I value and trust you and am grateful for this venue for self expression and support. You cannot begin to imagine where I happen to find myself except to say that it is complex and stress-inducing, even if my kids were accepting (which they're not).

Many heartfelt thanks and God's blessings on you and yours. I hope to have more opportunities to participate and expound going forward; in the midst of what feels like a gargantuan move after 30 years and 3 failed marriages (all to pack rats...and in the same home). While I know most people want to write a book, somehow I feel the Creator is demanding I write one. It's all just too ridiculous (or ludicrous) to believe!

I look forward to more exchanges but did want to most sincerely appreciate the attention I've already received. THANK YOU.
Ev

[dvg]

Ev, I'm new here too and glad you found this site.  It's very healing just to know that I'm not the only one going through the agonies of a relationship with an adult child.  There is such an expectation in our society that family is the source of the greatest joys, when in reality for so many of us it is the source of the greatest pain.

We have a life, and an identity, apart from our role as mothers, and I know I need to find that if I am going to have any peace.

[Star]

Dear Ev,

I read your post and it struck a cord with me, as I grew up in a dysunctional family with no support or love ever being shown to me even when I was violently assaulted at the age of 10, my mother accused me of lying!! I then married a controlling verbally abusive man who nearly destroyed me, I won't bore you with the details but I could take no more and filed for divorce, not knowing who I was. He has along with his new wife have set about a systematic regime to destroy me with the only weapon that is left available, my children. Despite  being very close for a long time, we are have  been estranged for 5 years and I have been going through a bereavement  but no burial, hence no closure. It impacted on my health in a major way and I started to relive all the traumas from the past as you did. I have now made a pact with myself to start being kind to me for a change, if my children, particularly my daughter conveniently can discard me like a piece of rubbish, then that is her issue. I am sorry they didn't have Mary Poppins for a mother or Father Christmas for a father, but I did the best I could under the circumstances,most of time having to  be the father as well as the mother. I would urge you to do the same , and be kind to yourself  you have  been through too much and you owe yourself some much needed healing and harmony.

Sending you warm hugs.