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DIL with Bulemia/Control Issues - Any suggestions?

Started by Blind-Sided, June 13, 2011, 09:17:34 PM

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luise.volta

I wonder if she thought the rent paid for the room gave her the house?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Blind-Sided

FooFoo needs to re-read.  Yes, I said the girl was anorexic, but admitted that she was a recovering bulemic.  According to the research I did, bulemics have control issues.  Generally they manifest it with their food.  However, control is at the heart of their issues.  Her coming into my home and taking over the first day she got there. . . . Control.  Yes, she paid rent.  I forgot to mention that when she left a few weeks later, I gave her all of her rent back.  Also, you might like to know that she has told my son he doesn't need his family and that the two of them could start their own family.  The girl has issues, plain and simple.  To some degree I feel sorry for her because her own mother committed suicide when her daughter was 8 after finding out that her husband was having an affair.  After the mother was buried, the step-mother married DIL's father and proceeded to try to erase DIL's mother out of her life by discarding pictures and family history and creating a new family history pedigree chart with her as the mother.  In my opinion, the bulemia is a result of the chaos DIL grew up in.  BTW, I'm generally open-minded, but in this case I believe that while DIL learned to overcome the eating disorder, she never resolved the underlying issues that caused the disorder.  With this new perspective, envision a person with control issues in a relationship with a person who is socially immature and you have a perfect situation for a controlling personality. 

For the record, I work in the law field and I believe you are wrong re custody.  DIL has worked all of 1 week since DS and DIL married and has not contributed financially to the marriage.  DS is an excellent provider and courts do consider the psychological history of individuals when considering custody.  Considering that DIL was in fact hospitalized with ED and has an extensive psychological history, I would say that DS would have an equal chance of custody, depending of course, on the prejudice of the judge.  I can't predict when or even if a divorce would occur.  That would require my son to stand up for himself and thus far DIL intimidates him too much by screaming at him and manipulates him with guilt and tears.  However, should that day occur, I am prepared to stand up for my grandparent rights as well.  Grandparents don't have rights in most states -- except when it is determined that any rights of visitation would be denied if/when the union is dissolved.  Of course that begs the question whether visitation rights should be preserved if visitation isn't occurring at present.  The answer is that all a grandparent has to do is to make regular attempts to contact the grandchildren in any form, whether it be gifts, notes, emails, etc.  I've done my research.

Blind-Sided

Also worth of noting:  DIL has a Bachelor's Degree and is certified to teach.  Yet, she has often stated that she chooses to stay home with her child.  DS is killing himself with exhaustion by working long hours and has already had three clots pass through his heart due to his blood disorder.  You would think that DIL would recognize the stress he is under and try to take it off of him by finding a way to supplement financially.  At one point she did.  She started a daycare.  That lasted all of one year and was highly unprofitable because she kept kicking kids out for things like pushing her little girl.  You would think that someone who is certified to teach would also know how to manage that type of situation.  I can't fault her for having the desire to stay home with her child during her formative years, but sometimes the ideal situation doesn't stand the test against the practicality of a situation.  When that happens, sacrifices have to be made.  It's not easy, but it's thinking like this that gets people through tough times.  I know this first hand.   I divorced when my children were young and my little girl's first steps were witnessed by the daycare provider.  That still hurts to this day.  However, knowing that I was contributing to my family's well-being and putting food on the table meant a lot too and I still got to see my little girl toddle around the next day after she took her first steps.  As for an apology, you might find it interesting to note that I sent her flowers on Mother's Day with an apology and an expressed desire for our relationship to heal.  Result:  She is now fiercely antagonistic towards me.  I believe it's because she never expected an apology and wanted to use the excuse of not getting an apology as a reason to try to keep me out of my son's life. 

Pen

This story is incredibly sad for all involved. I'm glad you have a place to vent, Blind-sided. What can you do tomorrow to give yourself some comfort or pampering? Something shallow perhaps and not connected to these problems, just a little break from worrying about them?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Blind-Sided

Pen ~ Father's Day is coming up.  I am going to buy gifts for both of my sons and my son-in-law to let each of them know how much I love them.  The gift to my son with the troublesome DIL has nothing to do with her, although I'm sure she won't see it that way.  It is just my attempt at remaining connected and letting him know that I love him.

Pen

Staying connected to your sons/SIL is important, and it doubtless gives you pleasure, but what about also doing something solely for yourself?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Blind-Sided

Pruning roses, working on a crochet top for the summer, shopping, playing with the dog.  I do plenty to occupy my mind and refocus.  As noted in this thread, this is an odd and difficult situation with no predictable outcome or resolution.  The only way to keep it from becoming a festering sore is to move on, direct my energies elsewhere and place the situation with my son and DIL further away from my focus.  I believe that when we don't interfere with situations, a natural course for the way they are supposed to work out will.  Guess that's called faith.  I'm prepared for the fact that I may never see or hear from my son again.  His brother and sister are prepared for that as well.  Strangely, I feel that I will have an interaction with my granddaughter when she's older.  Cards, letters, gifts, etc. are being saved for her now.  We can't know what the future holds.  All we can do it hold on and hope for the best even if the best doesn't turn out to be what we want.

Nana

Blind sided..... Faith is in the air......Good.....  Faith can move mountains. 

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Pen

Blind-sided, you're on the right path, good for you. You've got lots to occupy your time. It's hard sometimes to do things that are just for us when we've gotten our pleasure from doing for others for so long. I remember being astonished by my first pedi/foot massage after years of marriage and motherhood - granted I was paying money for it, but someone was sitting there rubbing my feet, pampering me & asking how I was feeling. Incredible!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

surfinbirdy

Hi blindsided-

A couple questions I have:

She is anorexic but recovering bulimic- you keep saying that and I want to make sure you mean it literally.  Baby food doesn't mean she's anorexic.  You mean you know for a fact she's been diagnosed as anorexic?

Also, you seem to know a lot about what goes on behind closed doors in this relationship (ie- referring to your son giving in to her b/c she screams and uses guilt and tears, saying she was mad when you showed up at their house but your son wasn't, etc).  How do you know this information?

Also, what exactly did you say in your apology to DIL?  Was it a general "I'm sorry for whatever I did," or did it include specifics?  Sometimes that can be important to others.

In any event, it sounds like you're dealing with 2 people who have a lot of growing up to do.  I just hope you see your son has just as much to do with it as your DIL.

tryingmybest


tryingmybest

As snarky as that sounded I do agree the son is also to blame.

surfinbirdy

Yes it did sound snarky, and it's also close minded and presumptuous.  I'm trying to be objective here, why put a title to it?

twilight

Ouch. I'll stop reading for now...tell me...are the inflammatory statements common here? Shame.

tryingmybest

No they are not and I was out of line, long day.